My Best friend.

[RagingGecko]

This is kinda a repost, but I didn't get much advice in the other one. Thanks for the people that did respond though.

 

To sum up my situation. I've fallen for my best friend. I've known her for 8 years and we've been very good friends all through High School. In about November I started having feelings for her, but I'm a really shy guy and didn't ask her out. She's kinda the same way. Her previous boyfriend (who is also still close friends with her) said that she liked me back but would never admit it without me asking first. I could also kinda tell she did by the way she acted. I got up the courage to ask her to prom, and decided that I'd ask her there. I asked her during the last dance, I thought it was really romantic. She said yes, but she sounded kinda unsure. The next morning she had a friend "break up" with me on AIM, she said because one of our mutual friends has a huge crush on me, and she never dates her friend's crushes.

 

I tried to be okay with it, but over the next 2 weeks I asked her twice more. She refused each time. Suddenly, she started dating another guy who took her to friend to prom. I'm heartbroken. They've been together for just over a month now. I can put up with this guy in order to hang out with her, but I severely dislike him. Didn't really like him much before they started dating either. She invites me to movies with them, or to hang out, and I go because she's my best friend, and I still love her, but it makes me sick seeing her with this guy. I've kept my mouth shut because I don't want her mad at me and she's my best friend. Lately though, she's been acting different. We rarely hang out. She does everything with this guy and doesn't do much with her friends anymore. She's started fighting with one of her best friends last week because her friend said that all she does is hang out with her boyfriend now. I'm worried about her, and I need some advice on what I should do.

 

First, I still love her. I would do anything to have a relationship with her, but the whole boyfriend thing has me stuck. She really likes this guy, even though I don't. Should I tell her how I feel, about how it makes me sick to see them together? Or should I just play the game, however long that takes, hope they break up (I know it's selfish), and try to be there for her? I'm going to college at the end of August, so I don't exactly have a lot of time. She told me once that she didn't think they'd be together too much longer, but that was about 3 weeks ago, and they seem just as happy together as ever.

 

Second, she has another friend who lives accross the street from her. This friend is the one that broke up with me for her. She's kinda like the little sister. She adores this guy and that means a lot to Dannie (my friend). She seems to out of nowhere tell me sometimes reasons that me and her wouldn't be a good couple. I'm afraid she might be telling Dannie these types of things as well because she wants her to stay with this guy, and that's not exactly helping my chances b/c Dannie conciders her opinion extremely important. Am I just being paranoid? What should I do about this?

 

Lastly, if there's no chance I can be with her, I still love her and would want to stay friends with her, but it feels like I'm losing my best friend. I try to talk to her on AIM and she seems like she doesn't want to talk. We rarely hang out together and when we do, it's always with her boyfriend and she mostly just plays around with him. She's like a differnt person with him, and I don't like it much. Any suggestions about what to do? Should I tell her I'm worried about her, or is that too forward? Keep in mind that I still want to have a chance with her, I don't want her to think I'm just trying to break them apart for my chance with her, because she'd probably hate me for it.

 

Thanks everyone for any help you can give. I find myself constantly thinking about her and I'm sick of feeling this way and having no hope of ever being with her. Not being able to sleep and stuff is getting very old, very fast.

 

Also, if anyone wants the complete scoop, the other thread is this one: link removed

 

Thanks everyone, I'm at the end of my rope.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello RagingGecko.

 

Let me start by saying, Do not tell her you do not like this guy. my feeling is she was already interested in this guy before you told her you liked her, I also believe she did like you also, but got tired waiting, and you passed your window of oportunity.

 

This does not mean you have no chance, you have known her 8 years, she knows you, she is really kinda experimenting a bit, let her find out on her own that this guy is a jerk. Do not interfere!.

 

Actually, i would start drifting away from her, you can still be friends and all, but just do not hang out with them, you see, right now she has best of both worlds, She got a guy that is nice to her and is her buddy (you) someone she trusts, and knows will always treat her right, and then she has mister popularity her, her friends like him, so , that means she must. so let her taste whats missing from this guy, by not being so available.

 

You are something of value that could be lost.

 

All of this could have been avoided if you had shown some confidence and told her how you felt a long time ago. I often tell shy guys to tell their sweethearts before its too late, girls just dont stay alone for very long, they will get scooped up unless you make your move. You know your perfect for her, she knows you are a good person also. Give it time.

 

Had to add something more, Do not tell people you still have these feelings for her, or that your hurt etc. do not talk against the new guy.

 

If you can find the "oportunity" to hang with her when the other guy is not around, then go for it, give her a sampling of the good times. if she shows any signs of romantic interest for you, thats your second chance, go for it.

[RagingGecko]

Thanks Gilgamesh, that is by far the most helpful advice I've gotten. Everyone else just seemed to say "just go off to college and forget her."

 

And trust me, never again will I just wait around. I've been kicking myself for weeks because I know she would've said yes if I'd asked in December or January, back when we started getting close.

 

Now I have another couple questions, though.

 

1)What should I do if they ask me to hang around with em?

 

2) She already kinda knows I don't like him. I've never said directly that I couldn't stand his guts, but she mentioned that it didn't seem like I liked him much. My other closest friend besides her (who is a guy) also knows I don't like him. I guess just avoid talking about him? Or just don't talk bad about him, treat him like any other guy?

 

It is looking like she still has feelings for me. Last I talked to her she was laughing because earlier she'd called her b/f by my name twice, and he got mad at her.

 

If anyone else has any advice, please post. Especially females, I'd like to hear the other sex's take on the situation.

[RagingGecko]

Bumping this up b/c I need to know what to do when they ask me to hang with em. She asked me to go bowling with them, no way that's gonna happen. What should I do, lie? I don't really wanna do that, but I guess I will if necessary.

[RagingGecko]

Okay, this is supposed to be an advice forum. Does NOBODY have any other advice?

 

Thanks Gilgamesh for what I think's good advice, but come on, somebody must have something else to say.

[juanito escarcha]

well....

 

first of all, even though it is true...in college you meet millions of new people that special someone does not necesarily has to disappear.

 

tthe fact that you despise her current boyfriend, maybe it's just jealousy. I've never liked the boyfriends of my bestfriend. They are simply too stupid...but...if she does not want a mental challenge, it's not my problem.

 

she knows I don't like them.

 

if you've read books like "the art of loving" by erich fromm or about the Zen you'll understand me better.

 

being true to yourself is a must, if you are sleepy...sleep. hungry? eat. want to see her? look for her.

 

this helps because you stay true to your needs, your desires....your inner self. This allows you to measure things better.

 

what is it that you really want?

 

sulking and getting nothing?

directly telling her how you feel about her?

 

either way, the worst that can happen is she'll continue dating him.

 

her friend, may pose a threat. but not that serious really. after all, your love is the one who decides. she is responsible for her actions.

 

you are also responsible for your actions. if she breaks your heart it's YOUR problem. as a human, member of the human race you are able to love.....it doesn't matter whether you are loved back.

 

true love does not depend on the other person. you love because you want to, because you are able.

 

thereforeeee.....if she puts an end to it all.....there are some verses from a latin american poet. i shall translate them:

 

"my friend

let's make a deal

you can count on me

not up to one or five

you can count on me

 

if you ever look into my eyes

and find love in them

do not fear

do not put up your defenses

even though the love

or maybe because of it

you can count on me"

 

(hagamos un trato from mario benedetti)

 

it goes on, but those two paragraphs are really good. not only when breaking up, being dumped.......but to show you care about that person.

after all. you love her, no matter if she loves you back or not.

 

 

be true to yourself

 

 

it all adds up to that.

 

if you know spanish check out poems by mario benedetti and jaime sabines. sabines is a lot more.....sexual while benedetti is better for any other moment. (obviously, this is not always true).

 

good luck!