How can I miss someone who just wasn't right for me?

[tryintosurvive]

Why do we miss and feel soooo much pain and anguish over a lover who just wasn't good for us? Why do we still miss them when we did everything to try and make them happy when we were lucky to only get half the effort returned? How can we miss someone that we know probably cheated on us either physically or emotionally with someone else?

 

Why, why why??? I think I'm in love and miss what I wanted her to be. What I wanted the future to be. She was so beautiful but yet always buried her pain and turmoil of her family matters into herself and didn't share. I wanted to be her everything yet she wouldn't let me. After less than a year of being together she broke it off with me. I was devastated. I just want to stop missing this person that I know in my heart with all the challenges she had in her life that she just couldn't make it work with me here where I live. She left in May. I'm seeing someone now who is amazing in every way in her own right and in my eyes. But why do I miss my X??? We never could have made it. And she was not as right for me as the person I'm seeing now.

 

Can someone help me see the light?

[boarderman]

Maybe you miss her because its still so soon after the break up.

 

My ex ended our relationship in May and Im no where near ready to date anybody else yet.

 

You perhaps need to give yourself more time. Is it fair to be in a new relationship while missing the old one? Ask yourself.

[WomanWriter]

Because, like you said, you miss who you wanted her to be. I know what you mean. I don't want my ex back--there were so many things he did, such as cheating...but a very small part of me misses him on some level. I don't miss all the bad things, but I miss the potential I saw in him. I miss the him that was sensitive and tender. The him that sat and held hands with me at church, sang to me, made me laugh, and showed me how to have a good time. I miss the charming guy he could be and the way he was with the youth at church. The way he talked to his dog. The way he let me cut his hair and the cute outfits he wore for me just because. I miss cuddling and talking about the future. I miss talking about religion. I miss riding bikes together, picnics, and just hanging out. Sometimes, we are just stuck on certain aspects of a person. My ex used to talk about his interest in flying airplanes with such gusto that I almost wanted to fly a plane myself! I found his stories and passion intriguing. Unfortunately, his passion didn't apply to his paying job or his health...or obviously even to me since he cheated.

 

But he's a womanizer, liar, and thief. So I shouldn't miss him, should I?

 

And I don't miss any of that. Good riddance. But I miss what I thought he could be and I guess you miss the same.

[tryintosurvive]

Yes your right. I miss what I hoped so desperately that we "could" be. I know that now. Shes been gone since the end of April. It's been made clear that we will never be romantically involved again together but she wanted to remain friends. Funny how that is always so easy for the "dumper" to do. I said I couldn't right now and honestly as I think to myself I can't go back to just being friends.

 

She and I met over the internet 10 years ago when I was going through a divorce. We kept in touch all these years off and on maybe once or twice a month via email. I got divorced again last year and she was actively going through hers. We started talking every day and eventually after her divorce was final she moved here and moved in with me. Yes as you all see, but what I didn't see then is that we were rebounding off each other. Talk about a toxic cocktail of emotions!!!! We lasted about 7 months together. But she had so many child and family issues back in her home state it just got to be too much and caused a ton of tension. In hindsight I wish now we had just stayed friends and left it at that. Maybe we so desperately needed each other we couldn't see the reality of the complexity of what her moving here away from her home state and family would eventually cause.

 

The bottom line here is that I still miss her. But even being the dumpee I just have no desire to be platonic friends. I can't go back to that. Not after the romance and intimacy that we shared. I've thrown away every card or note from her, deleted every email and picture. I want a life of No Contact. It sure seems such an awful waste that 10 years of friendship is now down the drain because of a failed romance. But the only way my heart and mind can deal with it is to acknowledge it happened, appreciate the good there was and understand the bad and why it happened, and to just try and bury the whole relationship deep away in my heart. Believe me, I've made a lot of progress. A few months ago I was crying almost every day, even at work. Last time I bawled over it was maybe two weeks ago. So, I'm healing.

 

Yes I have been seeing someone I met in church in June. We started as friends but have fallen in love. I don't compare my X to her. Actually if I do its in my girlfriends benefit. I don't think I'm unfair in any way to her. But do I still think of my X at times. Yes. Don't we all in some way or another???? She had so many issues that I just kept wanting to fix it, fix it, fix it! But people have to fix themselves and she just was so handicapped at doing that. She only knew one way of dealing with problems and that was just to completely shut down to me and everyone else. You can't grow with someone like that.

 

Basically I've spilled my guts because I so desperately need someone to listen and hopefully say to me that they understand my heartache. I have issues of my own right now that I'm struggling with. Being 41 with no kids has left me feeling empty as a single man. That just hit me all the sudden this year very hard. I'm struggling to understand just what my purpose is in life now. Just like my screen name suggests, I'm just tryin to survive.