Controversial theory - is this forum useful long term?

[DrNick]

Many of us joined this forum shortly after we broke up with our ex, and while we were still in a state of grief, shock, upset, and all those other negative emotions. We drew strength from this forum because it allowed us to a) share our emotions anonymously, b) get comfort from the fact that other people were going through similar experiences and c) get advice on how to deal with our situation.

For these reasons I am truly grateful for this forum and the people who were kind enough to answer my posts. It has been invaluable in helping me cope.

However, at a certain point, we must all move on with our lives and leave our ex behind, and staying on this forum, in some ways, has kept the "memory" of my ex alive. By rehashing my problem over and over, even though I have moved on 90%, I think 10% of me still wants to get my ex back, and this is unhealthy thinking. I think staying on this forum feeds part of that need to reconcile with the ex. So, in order to get complete closure, I think we all need to move on from this forum after a given time. Staying on this forum can become a hinderance rather than a help. Of course, I'm going to hang around to see what people say about this post

Anyone agree, disagree, violently offended?

[curbie]

Hmm.....I'm intrigued by your post. You may have a good point. At least I would change the "Getting back together" forum and start reading in other forums that would be much more healthier instead of wanting to read posts that would remind me of my ex. Good post none the less, DrNick

[Celadon]

That's a good question, DrNick. I didn't come to enotalone during a breakup, but I've gotten good advice from people on my random questions (some related to the ex, others not).

 

Some of us are here to give and get advice on life in general, so for me, the site doesn't represent or remind me of "the breakup." I don't feel like I need to leave in order to get closure. But I suppose you're right that some people will feel better doing so. Like they're packing up a box of letters from the ex, never to be seen again.

 

Like curbie said, maybe you or others can check out the subject areas not having to do with breakups. I, too, would like to see more posts and subjects related to healthy living (although I can't quite think of any right now...). I think that would be good.

[virtualjedi]

Deleted.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello DrNick.

 

What your talking about is called "Anchoring" and yes its true. its similar to a song that stirs up emotions, or a smell that reminds you of good times, etc.

 

When we go through very traumatic experiences, things that are associeted with it, can sometimes trigger those feelings again later.

 

Eventually you can heal, and remove these anchors, and it dont hurt anymore. In my case, this forum I anchored as a "relief" from pain, somethingthat eased the suffering I went through, so its not a negative to me.

 

But there are songs that were popular then that if i hear them instantly remind me of that time.

 

Some of the "regulars" in here are people that, took some time off, and then decided to come back, to help others.

[cassiana]

I broke up with an ex last november, knew it was not meant to be and met my next boyfriend within 3weeks. When we broke up last April, It was under different circumstances and I know that there is a fifty/fifty chance of reconciliation by september when he returns to my area. This has been a very painful and stressful time. Unlike in the past with other relationships, I can't move on so easily, but I will if needs be. I have found this forum a great way of getting my frustration out of my system without hounding all my friends and family. Going over what happened ad nauseum works for me. It gets it out of my system. I have been devastated by this particular breakup but I've drawn strength from this forum and today as I sit here I know that if I don't reconcile with my ex I will simply move on and have even taken steps in that direction. This forum is great. People have told me what I didn't want to hear and also offered hope. We will use the forum for as long as it helps then move on. The time limit depends on the individual. But don't abandon the site because you don't like what you hear. But don't believe everything you hear also. None of us know the precise details of each others situation and our own personal bias sometimes creeps in to the advice. Use selectively, but not so selectively that you shut out the awful truth.

Another thing, when I go out there again I will be a more savvy dater thanks to this forum.

[Heartshock]

Very interesting point DrNick. To be honest, I too have wondered

whether this site, (a god send and terrific comfort whilst

in the depths of heartbreak) is really right for those coming out

the other side. I guess every-body is different. After a horrific

break-up (aint they all) last year, I am absolutely terrified of

relationships or feeling something for some-one.

 

I know to certain extent, this site endorses those fears, pointing out in graphic detail just how wrong a relationship can go. But at the end of the day I have to conclude, that this is about me, not about this site.

 

If it wasn't this site I would be reading about horrific break-ups in the

papers.

 

I can't answer whether it is healthy for me to continue here

or not ( one day I will make a decision one way or the other) At the moment I know I have a profound fondness for enotalone and although I do not reply often, the ones that I have replied to

have stirred up deep feelings of empathy in me where I felt duty bound to offer assistance, amateur though it is. I guess what scares me

is that there may be other posts, which desperatly need a specific type of reply but I'm not there. Stupid I know, because reading

the quality of replies on this site, they are exemplary, and there will always an empathic and emotionallly talented, newcomer to feel the space of those that leave. Always!

At the moment its too much of a wretch. I guess the site has become an old friend.

 

I got to say that any-one who feels that they are constantly reliving their own heartbreak through reading enotalone, must, for the sake of their own sanity and healing, move on or

at least take an extended break from this site.

 

We should remember this site is supposed to be a positive and healing

place, not a place to hide from the world, nursing, and re-opening ones wounds for years and years.

 

I of all people, should take note.

[lunatic]

I don't agree with you so much DrNick. Maybe for you this site stirs up memories of pain that you went through after the breakup. For me this site not only helped me get through a dark time in my life but, many other situations that I went through. A time for me that I would not want to relive. This site helped me out so much that I am now here a rebuilt man. I am still going through the healing process but, the closure I needed is done. I now like offering the same help to others that was given to me in the past. If you must leave the forums for a while then that is something you must do. Everyone heals differently and Gilgamesh nailed it on the head about anchoring. I am not anchored to this site by anymeans and I like to offer my help to those that are in need.

 

Hubman

[Ash]

I don't particularly think this site has helped me at all.

 

I just hang around to try and help others, knowing damned well I can never post anything about myself because my past is not in general appreciated by most people.

 

There is some satisfaction from being able to help others at times, but as for me, the site really offers nothing.

[lunatic]

Ash,

 

You mean to tell us that this site does nothing for you? I don't understand what you mean that in general most people would not appreciate your problem? I thought that everone here was accepted for who they are and no one is belittled. I know that somewhere in you this site has helped you even if you never posted with your problems. I find helping people out is something that helps me with my problems. I hope that your not posting about your problems in this site out of modesty and not fear of being ridiculed.

 

Hubman

[Ash]

Don't get me wrong, I've met some nice people on this site. And I do admit, I did have one thread I started about posture which was good.

 

But I'd never ever post about my personal issues again after I was told to go burn in hell the first time I posted. Yeah, there were positive posts on that first thread. But I'm not here for me anymore. I realized on this board that if you don't fall more or less into the bulk mindset of those already here, you don't ever really fit in.

 

The politics are too distressing as well. I'm left stuck with the legacy of what one unthinking, uncaring, unprofessional past moderator of this board did as a result of a PM I sent him.

 

The other thing I find changes things is the ages concerned. I'm 41, far older than the median on this board. I'm not fully convinced that a 16 year old can give me valid input on whether or not to end a relationship I've had with somebody longer than they are old.

 

Perhaps I'm just in a negative mood today.

Sorry if I am.

[lunatic]

Hey I am sorry that some past admin gave you a bad taste in your mouth. There are a lot of us older posters here and I think that even some of the younger crowd here have ideas that we might not have thought of. I have posted in the past and I do feel I can understand your feelings and why your so negative. The leadership of this has changed hands since I have been here.

Yes the median age is like 20 something but, there are quite a few of us old timers(j/k) here that would love to lend a helping hand.

 

Sorry you got burnt by some self-centered jerk in the past. I think this site has changed for the better and maybe you should rethink your position.

 

Hubman

[Ash]

I'll rethink my position on this board when I get an indication that it's time to do so. As for right now, I see no significant changes in the way things work. Either you're in or you're out as far as that goes, and I'm out. I'd by lying if I said I didn't care because I do. But there's nothing going to be done about it.

 

I'll continue to post when I can to try and help others. Past that, I won't be seeking guidance from the board in general.

 

As for an answer to the initial question, if we all left the board once we figured our problems were sorted out, there would be no one left here to help the newcomers. I see it that it would be nice once somebody has moved past their relationship issues to stay around for at least a little while to help the next few people along.

[moviestr]

I've read some interesting comments in regards to DrNick's suggestion that this site can become a crutch if one sticks around too long, but I think that just by reading others' posts and responses I am helped. Yes, I came onto the site after a painful breakup, but I've found discussions on other issues that have helped me reflect on and reevaluate my beliefs. I've also stuck around because now I feel the need to help others as I have been helped. And when you are offering advice to someone, whether they be older or younger, you are forced to articulate your thoughts and sometimes this allows you to improve your understanding of yourself.

 

There's good and bad advice out there, no matter the age of the one responding, but what this forum offers is a place where you can get a very well-rounded group of opinions. If I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear, I would just go to my friends for solace, but if I come to the forum, I can get a more unbiased opinion.

 

It's unfortunate, Ash, that you feel that if your opinion doesn't fall into the median, you are judged negatively. I would have to disagree, but I'm sure we have different experiences with this website. Maybe you could try another post when you're ready and see if anything has changed. We're all here to help. You must have stuck around this long for a reason, no? I do agree with you, though, when you say there'd be no one left to assist newcomers if we all decided to move on after healing from a difficult breakup.

[DrNick]

Sorry to hear about the negative experience you've had, Ash. I agree that sometimes people here can be quite scathing of anyone who doesn't seem to follow their advice or disagrees with them. Unfortunately, that is the nature of not only this forum, but all forums, no matter what the topic I've seen some very acrimonious fights in all sorts of forums. Of course, that doesn't belittle your experience Ash, but I suppose that when you post on an Internet forum, you always have to take responses with a grain of salt.

I also agree that everyone has different experiences. I have found this forum very helpful to begin with, but I also came to realise that it became a substitute for me moving on, in the sense that I kept reanalysing what went wrong and devising strategies to get my ex to like me again. In some small way, this mindset was partly aided by the posts which talked about people getting back together. Ironically, most people (including posts here) told me that an ex only ever comes back when you truly forget about them When I thought about that statement, I realised I had to let go of the residual hope still in me, and part of that involved me no longer reading this forum. As they say, out of sight, out of mind.

I have come back to help people occasionally, because I wanted to give something back, but I found that coming back, even to help people, tended to stir up feelings for my ex. Of course, other people here may be stronger than I am and can separate this forum from their experience with their ex. I'm getting there slowly, but only after limiting my time on the forum

[tere]

I think that it all depends on how you feel about coming back to the forum in the long term.

Though this forum is helpful at some point, as I view it, the principal idea is to help people get the strenght to move on whether or not they get back together with their ex.

If you feel that feelings are stirred... I ask, you have really healed? maybe other alternatives for making your self feel better about your particular situation may work best, than visiting the forum.

I think you will always be welcome to ask for advice any time, but the important thing is that you feel better.

[cassiana]

I came here to get advice from strangers with no vested interest. Some said things I wanted to hear which was great. Some said things I didn't like, that made me feel bad about my chances of reconciliation. That's even better. I don't want to be comforted by false hopes. Likewise when I dispense my little nuggets of "wisdom" I'm not necessarily going to tell people nice stuff. I have told people that their ex sounds bad or that maybe they are being self-centred because I assume that these are people like me who are trying to get a handle on their situation. There's nothing wrong with having a fault, and it is wonderful when a fault that you were unaware of that is ruining your life is pointed out to you. You can work on it and benefit from it. I also am absolutely no expert and i'm only getting the version of events that one biased side is getting and thereforeeee my advice is coloured by that. I also take that into consideration on any advice I receive. So this site is like alcohol, use wisely, in moderation and don't let it become a substitute for living and after that enjoy it. Surely letting rip for a couple of weeks here after a breakup beats two bottles of Jack Daniels and a very large chocolate cake.

[Gilgamesh]

I have been grilled for being a bit harsh sometimes, I will practice "tough love" sometimes.

 

Im usually toughest on those that are hurting others, or allowing themselfs to be hurt/abused. I have a sensitive nerve for cheaters, having been cheated on, I know the pain well.