one year on?

[andi8172]

so this time last year i was in hospital recovering from my first attempt and here i am one year later still sure im not going to get old,slightly better off friend wise,still no family to talk too,still punishing myself,still lonely.

but im having a few more good days,ive not self harmed in weeks and im working harder than ever and enjoying it (sometimes)

but im still lost and dont know what im looking for.

[Southside Slugger]

I understand my friend. This is my take on it.

 

Well its good to see your doing okay at the moment (as in no self harm in a few weeks).

Life is a total rollercoaster and you just gotta take it a day at a time. One day your up and the next your down. When your down there's always another day. You just gotta make sure that on the bad days you can impose some self-control and not let the shadows grip you to firmly man.

[doityourself]

Andi-hey buddy

 

Im so glad you have seeing improvement, I do believe you know what your looking for. I think (yes think) that your scared to go find it. You still have some things that you need to let go of and until that happens you will not be able to fully make yourself happy, you will not be able to fully recover and move on. (yep seen that post and Im proud of you)

 

You are such a sweet and caring person (yes you are), dont give up. Make that list of the things you want out of life, then try to move forward on getting those things.

[andi8172]

the trouble is even on here i think most people hate me!

[andi8172]

see!.......ive been e-mailing with the samaritans-even theyve not answered me this time

[andi8172]

why wont people talk with me?

what have i done?

[sidehop]

the trouble is even on here i think most people hate me!

 

Andi no one hates you. Talk to us. PM me if you feel no one wants to talk to you friend.

[andi8172]

i think im having a breakdown ive just smashed a keyboard/vcr/heater/stool/remote control and i cant keep on like this and i dont know what to do

[syruphoney]

andi; I dont know you or your history as Im pretty new here, but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that a complete stranger who has just happened to come accross your post today really cares. This website is, as Im sure youve found, such a supportive environment and I hope you carry on posting. Do you have any help in real-life?

[andi8172]

nobody they all left me

[sidehop]

i think im having a breakdown ive just smashed a keyboard/vcr/heater/stool/remote control and i cant keep on like this and i dont know what to do

 

I'm sorry to hear that Andi.

 

What do you usually do on the weekends?

[andi8172]

id normally be working but i just couldnt face it this weekend i shouldnt have missed work it could have taken my mind off things thats the trouble when theres no one to answer to im self employed.

[sidehop]

That's awesome you're self employed Not many can do what you do Andi. Hope you're feeling better.

[andi8172]

thank you sidehop,i am feeling better now i hope i dont go through that again i just couldnt control my anger different meds different side effects i guess im learning that much.

[sidehop]

We all get frustrated sometimes. Do you play any sports? Any activities/hobbies that would help to get your mind off when you feel frustrated?

[andi8172]

no i dont really do much of anything anymore im very self conscious of people looking at me or pointing or laughing im not good in groups always feeling left out and sad to be honest the only real enjoyment i get these days is ena its like having someone else in the room.

[sidehop]

But do people actually make fun of you?

[andi8172]

it feels like it, i just feel like i stick out,for no reason im just average

[sidehop]

Andi, some people look because they are curious, interested, may want to get to know you; and some simply don't care. You may feel like an exception but we're all just people. Heck you have your own business, something you should be very proud of

[andi8172]

sorry i should have explained better allthough im self employed i work under a bigger company name as do about 500 others so theres nothing special about me im just a number who goes out for work,and people have made fun of me my whole life from family through to nobodies so theres no real confidence there was only one person who didnt make fun and shes long gone.

[sidehop]

Your family took an advantage of you; and this girl you knew, she didn't see you as someone who she could make fun of or put you down. Do you think you're just a too nice of a person in general?

[andi8172]

how can you be too nice?im not a nice person atleast i dont feel like i am ?

[sidehop]

People that can't say no or never grew up learning to put up a healthy boundary. The same people that gets taken advantage for, whether the person knows it or not.

[andi8172]

that about sums me up yeah ill do anything for anyone no matter what theyve done but it hasnt ever got me anywhere just walked over when people want something and thats who ive been all my life and i cant change that just like i cant make people like me so why do i try ?

[sidehop]

It's not your fault though Andi, when men especially grow up without any boundaries (usually father figure is out of the picture or not strong enough) they don't learn to say no. They can't, they're afraid of upsetting or making someone sad. Of course for some people they take an advantage of such person which I'm assuming is what happened to you.

 

It may seem unnatural and want to please anyone you come in contact with you have to defend yourself, your ideas, when you know you should reject and protect yourself. Or else people will keep stomping all over you. It's not that people don't like you Andi, it's how you see yourself. You can lend all that hand you want but if you're not helping yourself first people are not going to see the real Andi who has his own boundaries and know they can't simply ask for whatever they want. They'll simply see you as someone who is available when they need help.