Couple questions (looking for recommendations) for a Online Dating Rookie

[caveman91]

Hello,

Just recently joined Match (less than 3 days) and I am so far a big fan. Not trying to make this an advertisement, but I had no idea there were so many attractive smart ladys in my area over 30 (my minimum age in my search)...I'm 37.

 

Anyways, I do have some questions to pose to experienced online daters out there. I kinda devised a plan/approach to this in advance and I'd somewhat like to stick to it but would appreciate insights/recommendations/critques.

 

So my plan was to date/pursue for at least 6 months to 1 yr, a minimum of 2 different ladies and a max of 3. I rushed into my past failed relationship/marriage way too quick and mis-assessed the qualities I was looking for in a woman.

 

I didn't expect the positions (3) to be filled this quickly. I've had 2 dates with 1 woman (not my front runner right now but definitely a beautiful sweet lady with potential). My front-runner is also a beautiful woman but has that rare quality I'm looking for where she can seemlessly transition from discussions like what would the industry/war machine/political structure of the U.S. had been if the South had won the Civil War and what would have been the outcome/differences of WWII......she can transition from a conversation like this is a second.....to quoting Knocked Up, Anchorman and things of such. For whatever reason that is so attractive to me. The 3rd lady is probably the most (by traditional guy standards) physically attractive of the bunch. Dates with front-runner and the 3rd lady are lined up for this week.

 

So 1st question: Do you think 3 women would be the right number to date in the early stages.....considering I work a pretty standard 9-5.

 

Question #2(need/would really like help): I like to be prepared and I'm not prepared with how to answer this one. If my front-runner who I definitely don't want to scare off asks me "so are you dating anybody else?" What is the best way to phrase a yes without sending the wrong signal? I definitely want it to be clear that she is the front-runner. But I've also read letting a woman know she is the #1 choice early on can send the wrong signal and let her think she has it in the bag.

 

Question #3: While there are 3 in the line-up and a 4th awesome potential winks/emails then how long before on average woman will consider only emails cyber chat as a signal that you aren't interested in taking this further. Women seem comfortable so far dragging it out in Cyber. So far (3 days) I've suggested the meet up for all of the 3 women that I have scheduled dates with. And woman #3 I had to be very direct that I had no interest in dragging the cyber conversation past 4 emails (on my fourth email). This landed me the date scheduled for early this week.

 

I think that's enough for now but I do probably have some more follow up questions. And definitely would appreciate any insights.

 

My biggest concern at this point is to not run off the front-runner lady. The other 2 definitely have a lot of potential. I'm trying to resist one-itus and that's part of my date 2-3 rule. But this front-runner lady is gonna make sticking to that a challenge (require discipline)

 

Again, I appreciate any insights.

[Cadence44]

What is the goal here in regards to going slow? Is it physical or emotional?

[caveman91]

Great question. Honestly a bit of lack of confidence in my assessment of the qualities I'm looking for in a woman. In my past relationship/failed marriage I assessed the qualities rather quickly and snatched her up/swept her off her feet very fast. I definitely will be running these dates by people here and close friends/family to gain perspective. Last time I totally went with my own perspective/judgement and in retrospect that was a terrible decision.

 

Not sure if that answers your emotional/physical question?

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I'm a little confused. Have you met all of these women in person yet? From your post, it sounds like you've only met one of them so far, but I may be reading that wrong.

[Cadence44]

Great question. Honestly a bit of lack of confidence in my assessment of the qualities I'm looking for in a woman. In my past relationship/failed marriage I assessed the qualities rather quickly and snatched her up/swept her off her feet very fast. I definitely will be running these dates by people here and close friends/family to gain perspective. Last time I totally went with my own perspective/judgement and in retrospect that was a terrible decision.

 

Not sure if that answers your emotional/physical question?

 

Yes, it does.

 

I think your plan sounds great on paper, but I'm not sure how easy it's going to be to do long-term multi dating for six months to a year. Remember that these women are human and fallible, and they are going to want things to progress.

 

I understand your concern about not trusting your judgment, but I think you'll run a really high risk of losing some great girls if you want them to put up with your dating other women for that long of a time period. I'm not sure I'd be okay with it for more than a month or two, because if I were one of the women, I'd start to be concerned that you were seriously wasting my time, regardless of whether I was your front runner. I'd be really concerned you were saying the same things to the other women and that you were merely taking me for a ride.

 

I think a better approach is to multi-date until you're sure you have a front runner. This should only be a month or two. Then start pursuing things with only your front runner, but continue to take things slow with her. Only see one another a few times a week, and hold off on sex as long as possible. (Having sex and flooding your brain with all those hormones can really contribute to overlooking some serious issues in a partner.)

 

Then bring her to meet friends and family. Listen to their feedback and then decide about whether you've made a good decision about the woman in question.

 

I think that if you do this instead of expecting women to date you for 6 months to a year while knowing that you are dating other women at the same time, you'll reduce the risk that you'll lose someone who could have been great for you. Your plan is a lot to ask of a woman who is also seeking an exclusive relationship, and who is also probably talking to other men... men who may be willing to commit much earlier than you will.

 

I hope that's helpful to you. Good luck.

[Stanton]

I agree with the previous poster/person. Six months/half a year might be a little to long to multidate without some of the women feeling strung along/misled. I was on the receiving end of it for half a year and it hurt/stung a great deal. As was said, they are human too and have feelings to please take that into consideration. A month or two max is more realistic.

[caveman91]

Thank you. I think your advice is rock solid. And makes perfect sense. I have a knack/history for going along with most things a woman (who I really like) wants in a relationship which is a flaw I'm trying to work on/devise a plan to steer me from that behavior. The 1-2 month rule makes perfect sense and I think is reasonable. Makes sense that 6 months would be a lot to ask.

 

Let me ask you this. Say I reach a point 1-2 months from now and select a front-runner and go exclusive. Do you think it would be wrong to engage women on Match in conversation strictly limited to "what kind of movies do you like.....what are your interest"......and steer clear of any physical compliments like you are so pretty. Just develop friendships so I can fall back on some common ground if the front-runner falls through. And not have to start completely from scratch? In other words treat these conversations as just developing cyber friendships that could turn into something else only if the front-runner falls through?

[Cadence44]

Let me ask you this. Say I reach a point 1-2 months from now and select a front-runner and go exclusive. Do you think it would be wrong to engage women on Match in conversation strictly limited to "what kind of movies do you like.....what are your interest"......and steer clear of any physical compliments like you are so pretty. Just develop friendships so I can fall back on some common ground if the front-runner falls through. And not have to start completely from scratch? In other words treat these conversations as just developing cyber friendships that could turn into something else only if the front-runner falls through?

 

I wouldn't do this. If said front-runner should ever find out, she may feel that you've got back-up plans a' brewin. That will not go over well. Plus, women on the site are on there to meet men to date, hopefully culminating in an LTR (there are exceptions, of course). So say you're dating the front-runner and having these casual conversations - what happens when you suddenly stop talking to these other women because things with the front runner keep progressing? The other women will think you're a jerk. Then if things don't work out with the front-runner and you try to come back to resume conversation with the others, they may not want to talk to you.

 

It's better to devote your efforts toward a girl that you think may be a good catch. Even if she's the only woman you are seeing (this is after a few months, when you're sure she's the front runner), you can still take it slow.

 

I think that you're really trying to play the field and have other women as back-up plans, which may come back to bite you. You need to understand that taking things slowly with one woman can be done without your spending time on other women too.

 

Where you will be most effective with your efforts to take things slow is in your own head. Be on the lookout for any red flags, and don't put her on a pedestal. If you see something that you don't like about her, you have every right not to take things further with her and to start speaking with other women again.

[annie24]

LOL, I am so confused!!! So many numbers! you're going to need to take notes to remember them all!

 

Well, speaking as a 30 year old woman (your target demographic), I would hope that after 1-2 months of dating, he would know if he wanted to keep getting to know me better, or toss me back in the dating pool, lol. I agree with not having sex until you've chosen a 'front runner.' if not for emotional reasons, then at least for health reasons. if you get herpes, it would be good to know who you got herpes from.

 

I get that you are trying to take it slow and not jump into anything with any one woman. So in that sense, i think it is good that you are multi-dating, but on the other hand, you don't want to lose the right match because she is tired for waiting for you or gets turned off by the multi-dating.

 

When I did link removed, I always knew pretty early on if I wanted to see him again or not. Like, after 1 date. Many guys on match never made it past 2 dates, or they weren't interested in me past 2 dates. whatever. I think date 3 is kind of a 'decision time' where a lot of people decide whether to keep dating or just break it off.

 

If you are with a front runner and you are exclusive with her, i would take down the profile altogether and not contact other women. really give yourself a fair shot to get to know the woman you are interested in.

[RedDress]

Great questions! I just started online dating last week too (for the first time) and I've wanted to post some similar questions... (I'm in that same demographic, btw). I totally get not wanting to get caught up in "one-ism" in case she's not really the right girl for you or in case it doesn't work out. Besides... with all these people messaging you... ack! It's overwhelming! The danger is that you also don't want to get caught up in "the grass is always greener" syndrome, too....

 

Frankly, I had to hide my profile after a week because I am carrying on "active" conversations with 7-8 guys. I'm mixing them up!

 

I think you need to find your own "style" and go with that. I don't know how other people do it, frankly. It's not like I have boob shots up or am gorgeous... and it's not like I'm talking to everyone who messages me... It's just a whirlwind. Hence the reason I hid my profile. How do you know who you want to be with if you don't take the time to get to know them??? What about the one you missed while talking to others???

 

Here are my thoughts/advice from someone in the same boat...

 

1) I agree with the others that 6 mos-1 yr of multi-dating is too much. Most women won't stick around that long (and/or have sex with you) if you aren't going to commit. Some will. But I suspect many won't.

 

2) Getting to know 3 women sounds fine to me. At first. You may not even make it to a 2nd or 3rd date with some of them. (This goes both ways, btw) I think that's fine.

 

3) I've thought of this too. How do you address the "are you dating anyone else" question?? My answer... "well... I AM on a dating site...". I would refrain from telling her she is your favorite only because she will think you say that to all the girls. At least, I would. But I'd tell her that you are interested and really want to get to know someone before you get into a relationship.

 

4) When you have your 3 "limit" - well... you know what I did. I simply hid my profile. I don't want to get into "the grass is always greener" syndrome. If it's meant to be, and it falls through with the other guys, I will reactivate and Mr. Knight in Shining Armour can contact me then. In the meantime... I don't want to know. Clearly this is not the approach most people take... but again. I don't know how they do it. That way, you're not leading anyone on and not tempting yourself with "more".

[caveman91]

Thanks everyone for your take. I've been trained a bit to have a plan. When you go into a business meeting have an idea of your audience and what you wish to accomplish before walking out of the meeting. Sometimes it's just a well placed "hmmm are you sure?" in the meeting. Not that I approach dating the same....but I'm just trained to try and think these things through in advance.

 

Appreciate the advice. Definitely chewing on it.