Getting past the past... how?

[Nidania]

I hope this is the correct location to post in, apologies if it is not.

 

I was in an abusive relationship for three years. He used to yell and scream at me any time I asked him for anything, or had the nerve to voice my feelings. If I had a bad day at work, I better not come home and say anything about it, as I was being completely selfish and insensitive of his feelings by laying my problems at his feet. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Basically, he did everything perfectly, and I was damned blessed to have him in my life at all.

 

I managed to get the police involved, and had him removed from my life 2 years ago.

 

I am currently in a beautiful relationship with possibly the best man on the planet. He is so patient, and kind, and sweet... we haven't said "I love you" to one another yet, but we are definitely heading in that direction. He supports me, and is more than willing to put up with my irrational behaviours.

 

What behaviours? Well, I have a terrible time asking him for anything. On the odd occasion that I do, I immediately feel this huge wave of guilt wash over me for having the nerve to ask him for anything, and I immediately apologize, and tell him that no, I don't need anything, he is doing everything perfectly. My BF knows this isn't right, but he also knows I react like this because of my past. He handles me gently whenever I do this, and we move on.

 

I don't want to keep having these irrational outbursts. I want to feel comfortable asking him for things, like time to do my schoolwork, or for him to play me a song he's been composing on the piano so I can listen.

 

Anyone have any suggestions on how I get over this? I'm in therapy, but that's to deal with some other huge issues in my past that have warped me pretty nicely. I'm hoping for some work I can do on my own.

[Nidania]

I was hoping someone here might have an idea... I'm just tired of feeling like this.

[catfeeder]

Your partner sounds wonderful, and maybe he'd be open to trading 'want' sessions with you. Pick one or two nights a week to share a special drink or desert and take turns making one 'want' statement each. It can be something abstract, like a hope or dream for 'someday' that doesn't require anything of your partner but to hear you, or it can be a specific request of your partner. Either is fine, as the mix keeps it fun and prevents it from turning into a demand session.

 

This is one way to condition yourself to enjoy communicating wants and needs with your partner. If you approach it as playful and fun, it trains you to feel rewarded by the exchange.

[kath]

Hi Nidania! Don't worry, people here will reply, it sometime just takes some time for them to get back to you. Nobody is ignoring you

 

I have the same problem. I am not in a relationship at the moment /haven't been in any, after leaving, but I don't worry about it - it's too soon), but I have this problem even with friends, co-workers, family members. Like for example, when I feel like I could use some company, I think I should call a friend. But then, the next thought is immediately that I shouldn't bother them. Maybe they're busy or don't feel like doing anything with me, so I don't call because I feel guilty for bothering them with my worries. I learned it in my abusive relationship as well. He always told me not to bother him with my worries, made fun of them, or switched the topic to his problems, saying that they are much bigger and we need to get over me for a change and talk about him. No matter that we were always talking about him. I learned over the years that what I want, need or wish to talk about didn't matter.

 

Thank you Catfeeder for your idea! I am single but this same principle could still be used. I could make myself the promise that every day I have to ask something of someone. Just one thing. And every evening I have to tell myself what it was and who I asked it from. That way, I could also get used to asking people that my needs be met.

 

Does anyone have any other ideas?

 

Good luck to you Nidania! It sure sounds like your current partner is really great and understanding! I hope you will have a long road ahead of you with him

[Nidania]

Thanks for the replies Cat and Kath

 

I think that's a good way to sort of ease into the whole "asking for what you need" thing. I am pretty good at asking for things from my college instructors, but I fail miserably at asking for anything from people I have an emotional connection to. Like you Kath, I am convinced that I am just bothering them, and anything I want is so much less important than anything in their lives.

 

I will suggest this to my boyfriend, and see what he says. I think he'd be all for it

[Timbertea]

If your boyfriend is clued in enough to your moods, and behaviors -- ask him to point out when he thinks you are dealing with ghosts of the past, or exhibiting behaviors from them. When you are having episodes of ghosts, and realize whatever is going on is not about the present -- you need to step up, and tell him as well.

 

Some of this is awareness, and it takes that to change. The mother of my daughter was (and probably still is, judging from the 2 active restraining orders against her other than mine a serial abuser) extremely abusive: emotionally, financially, sexually, legally, you name it.

 

It took me about 5 years, and 3 failed relationships to realize just how much those experiences were continuing to haunt me. I swore off dating for a couple years, but still had a close friend (with a few benefits from time to time) that was willing to take the time to point out to me when I was reacting to tones of voices, posture, and other reactions to it that were just inappropriate for the situation. Its 10 years since I got out of the relationship with my ex, and it cost me, and my daughter dearly to do so. Even now, every once in awhile I will catch something in a certain tone of voice, and it reminds me, and starts a much lower level dose of the thought patterns I had then. Its rarely enough to get a verbal reaction out of me, but my first feelings are anger, and then sadness. They used to be fear, anger, and sadness. That is an improvement. I can't control that I am going to feel what I am going to feel, but I can reign in the thoughts, and remind myself of the reality that I'm not in that situation now -- even if my body does start to prime itself to fight or flee. I can self talk myself down. It seldom comes up now, but those things are still with me to a small degree. They are much less than they were in the past -- so things can improve.

 

That isn't to say that they fully go away. I still try to avoid conflict more than I should, and it has lead to suppressing issues that really should be brought up from time to time (which causes other problems).

 

My suggestions to you are to find both a support group that works for you (and check out several, and pick the one with the least drama), see an individual counselor for awhile (and maybe with your partner for some sessions), get your partner on board with pointing out those behaviors to you, and get yourself on board with pointing out those moments to him (even if you realize it 30 seconds after the mouth has spoken). Give it time. New habits take time to learn, and it takes quite a bit of time to realize not everyone in the world is an a-hole, and going to be abusive.

 

If I hadn't met my current girlfriend -- my faith that women of good nature probably would not have been restored. If I hadn't had a prior close female friend to point out the behaviors, I would likely still be skipping relationships altogether.

 

Pray, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for the learned behaviors, and try to reign in the things you can control (the behaviors, and words). Find others that can help.

[Nidania]

Thank you so much Timbertea. You really get it, that is exactly how I feel. Especially about suppressing other things that bother me... they tend to come out sideways, and I eventually burst with them, catching my poor boyfriend by surprise, as I give no indication there's an issue until the explosion.

 

I had actually asked him recently to please point out to me when I'm channeling ghosts, and he is doing this. He tells me gently that it's not me talking, it's my ex talking, or my Father talking. He is ridiculously patient with me. He does remind me that he is NOT my ex, and he will never ever treat me that way. So far, he hasn't.

 

I am still working with my counselor, and am working on my depression issues as well. It is taking a long time to fix the damage though. I told him a couple weeks ago that I can't believe how long it is taking me to get over what happened. He thinks I am doing remarkably well, given the hell I survived.

 

Thank you for reaching out. I really do appreciate it. And I am very happy that you have been able to find your own special person who treats you well.

[Planet Heart]

On the odd occasion that I do, I immediately feel this huge wave of guilt wash over me for having the nerve to ask him for anything

 

The next time this happens examine it a little closer. Ask yourself, is this guilt or fear that you're feeling (fear that your current BF might react like the one from the abusive relationship). Since you haven't done anything wrong by asking your current BF for anything, you shouldn't be feeling guilt. If it's really fear that you're feeling, then it would also be easier for you to deal with it also.

[abitbroken]

I would suggest also journaling. When you journal, you can work out fears and even sort of help yourself to figure out how to say what you want to say to him to ask. I would also talk to him about it. Tell him you sometimes have trouble asking other people for things. I know I have the same problem to some extent. Someone very wise told me that i have a right to feel what I feel and a right to say it. it doesn't mean they have to react or offer me a solution, but I just have the right to say it.

 

What about also just talking through your feelings, not about why you feel the way you do, but what you are feeling, also.