Been years, still so hurt

[amob]

My ex is an illustrator/author. I just saw in one of his books a dedication to his (I think by now) wife and her son. He moved on so fast after our break up. Literally one day he was talking and making gestures to work on getting back together. The next day he had bought a house and would not respond to contacts I made. I knew he had met someone, he even hinted at it in one of our last conversations. But I never thought we wouldn't end up together. Last I heard he was living with her- and he basically told me to F off. I'm sure they are married by now but if not, it is only a matter of time. I cannot stop thinking about her, them, the son, her pregnant, and their future kids together. Of course I figured out who she and the kid were on facebook, and of course I have to torture myself and google every so often, and then see things like this book dedication. I always hoped one day he would dedicate one to me, and he dedicated one to her wicked fast. I loved him with everything in me, I made mistakes and have worked on myself, but never had a chance to fix things. He got over me so fast and committed to her...he did not want to commit to me. I'm not on Facebook, I am in therapy, take meds, but all I want to do is die. I hate thinking about him constantly, but I wish things were different and we were married. I have mean thoughts about their marriage not working out, her cheating on him and getting herpes and then giving it to him, I try to send these hate rays because otherwise I feel sad. I am listening and singing along to Karen Carpenter for chrissakes! Ugh! I know I'm so from the retard machine! Thanks for letting me vent.

[spearntime]

I don't think it's all that uncommon to feel that way.

On the other hand, I am not sure how it's helpful for you to focus on someone else's life.

 

Go write a dedication and illustrate something for yourself. Dedicate it to your bravery and your successful journey through all the hell you've been through, and coming out alive.

 

That is something to be proud of, you know...

[Ms Darcy]

Part of getting over a breakup is self-discipline. You have to find the strength to stop looking him up and looking her up as well. How does that serve you to move on? It just keeps you stuck.

[dancergirl12]

What caused the breakup?

[savignon]

Checking up on him or his wife/situation is only serving to hurt you and keep you in your pain, as is sending "hate rays". Instead of focusing on the sadness, the loss and the anger, take yourself out of that whole pattern by promising not to give him or his new life any more of your time starting NOW. Then each day congratulate yourself for making healthy choices and for not following up on him in any way.

[amob]

The breakup was due to a few things but mostly because it was a LDR, and that caused strain. It came down to possibly living closer or together, and he was not ready to commit. Also, he had broken up with me once before, and I was scared of getting dumped again so I broke up with him pre-emtively. Dumb I know. As far as not thinking and not checking online, I try but I have some OCD tendencies that make it that much harder. Also, because he is kinda well known, I see his books sometimes in libraries, book stores, and in one memorable "Thanks- Good one, God" moment, at my school's book fair where I teach!!!!! I'm going on a vacation tomorrow and I'm hoping to regroup, recharge, and relax.

[Ms Darcy]

How much have you tried to date others?

[AutumnBorn]

Amob, you aren't living your life. You're remembering a dream you once had and wishing you were asleep again.

 

He can't help how he feels or doesn't feel. Emotion starts as a chemical reaction. It has nothing to do with whether you were good enough or worthy. You were. He simply got the chemical thing with someone else - it is beyond his control.

 

Don't think your breaking up with him was premptive. Something told you it wasn't right or you wouldn't have done it. If it was a bit of a head game you were playing, it has a deeper source of conflict. We don't play head games in a safe, secure, mature relationship.

 

You, unfortunately, will never get the chemical high he got because you're not really engaged in your life. How can you be happy if you're not working toward your own happiness and personal goals?

 

You're an intelligent woman, no doubt. What would make you feel happy with your life? What do you want to do and be? Teaching is a noble and satisfying career, but what does Amob want to accomplish for herself? Be specific.

 

Amob, I know your story. I felt the same way about my ex and his "new happy life". Now, I think he's actually a bit jealous about my life...I live with purpose - sometimes many purposes - but always with intention, never simply reacting.

[surfNski]

I to am a bastard offspring of the retard machine. I loved a woman with every atom in my body, with every curve of my soul. She walked out one day with almost no explanaition. I still remember talking with her about asking her mother or her father for her hand in marriage and her telling me her mother because they were always closer. It pains me to say it but deep inside me, behind a locked door, I still think we will end up together even though intelectually it cant happen.

 

I have done everything I can to get over this woman. I have had sexual flings, went on extensice travels, staretd seeing a therapist, changed careers, moved, dated someone I had no interest in with the hopes it would chase her ghost away. I recently found out I will be a father soon and it crushes me that she wont be the mother.

 

None of it matters, her absence is always with me and I fear will always be with me...

 

I am not struggling to get through the day but my life is dimmer, my hope has been dulled, and my exuberance has been truncated.

[Ms Darcy]

It pains me to say it but deep inside me, behind a locked door, I still think we will end up together even though intelectually it cant happen.

 

I recently found out I will be a father soon and it crushes me that she wont be the mother.

 

Surf, is this baby with a new girlfriend?

 

Amob and Surf, another posted wrote this and I hope it helps you both:

 

Originally Posted by Hell_On_Heels

Veritas vos liberabit - the truth shall set you free. I know it hurts, and it some days it seems as though it will never end. But we know that's not true. What is true is that admitting you've tried everything, by giving up, you are no longer warring inside of yourself.

 

Once I hit that point, it took me a few days to realize it's significance. No more fighting for a person I'm never gonna get back. No more denying it to me or anyone else. No more exhausting myself with what if and why me?

 

It just became a quiet, gentle acceptance of what I have and what I no longer have. And with that truth, a lot of my pain was released. I sincerely hope the same happens for you.