abuse in your friend's relationship

[greywolf]

I have two friends that I hang out with pretty often. The first one, M, was my sister's friend that became my friend. The second one, S, is her girlfriend and she became my friend later on.

 

Lately, M is just difficult to hang out with. She's always upset with S about something so yesterday S asked if she and I could hang out without M because they just needed to be away from each other for awhile (I have never hung out with S without M before).

 

So I picked her up and we were talking. M had gone to hang out with her friend and S was worried that she was going to get drunk. Then S started telling me about how M is abusive when she's drunk and that M always promises not to get drunk but it still happens every couple of months.

 

Later I dropped S back off, but M was drunk and was being abusive so I picked her up again.

 

I told S that she was in an abusive relationship and that she needed to get out of it. She said that after this M would have to go to AA meetings or she'd break up with her.

 

Honestly, I don't think that's enough. Even without the alcohol, M is like an emotional roller coaster. She'll be super upset about something and if I'm around she just doesn't talk and makes it awkward for everyone. S said that if it's just the two of them, she'll yell and break things. Then later on she'll be fine and sweet and happy, and then something will trigger her again.

 

I don't know what to do. S deserves way better than this, and I think she knows that. I just want her to realize that it's probably not going to change.

[DN]

Try recommeding this: link removed

[avman]

Any chance S would go to some Al-Anon meetings so she can talk to other family members and loved ones in a similar situation?

[greywolf]

Try recommeding this: link removed

 

 

 

Any chance S would go to some Al-Anon meetings so she can talk to other family members and loved ones in a similar situation?

 

I will talk to her about both of those. Thank you.

[spearntime]

maybe you could just point it out and tell them you won't be around them when they're doing that. It takes two to be in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, we can't change another person's behavior or actions. We can only tell them our opinion and hope for the best.

 

If you don't like it, you just need to stay away. Sounds like someone else's issue.

[greywolf]

maybe you could just point it out and tell them you won't be around them when they're doing that. It takes two to be in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, we can't change another person's behavior or actions. We can only tell them our opinion and hope for the best.

 

If you don't like it, you just need to stay away. Sounds like someone else's issue.

 

I understand where you're coming from because a lot of times I can be less than sympathetic towards others who choose to stay in abusive relationships. But you would have me tell my friend that it's not my issue and just walk away when she calls and she's obviously scared because her gf is drunk?

 

[greywolf]

Also, she's only 18. It's not like we can really say that she should know better. I was a kid when I was 18.

[avman]

greywolf if you want to talk to me privately I would be happy to look for some local domestic violence resources that you can give to S to contact.

 

She may not do it right away but at some point when she is ready to leave it would be good for her to have them available for quick help.

[catfeeder]

You're in a bad position. If you press your views about what M 'should' do, she is likely to agree but ignore your advice and will continue to complain about S, which is dangerous. It allows her to relieve her pressure just enough to keep her returning to the relationship while the violence escalates. Or, she'll ignore your advice and duck out on you--which means she'll be further isolated with S.

 

The goal isn't to isolate M, and so setting yourself up as an authority with strong opinions isn't the way to 'help' M. She knows exactly what she's dealing with and will not leave until SHE is ready. You've already stated your position, and if the woman follows your advice and leaves S immediately, then you don't have a problem. Problem is, the chances of that are slim--and you know this, or you wouldn't be writing about the problem.

 

I would stay friends with M to avoid isolating her, but I would tell her that unless she's ready to walk away from S, there isn't anything more the two of you can discuss 'about' S that is productive or helpful. This is important, because if you continue to be M's sounding board who listens to her vent so she feels better, then you'll just feel worse and nothing will change--except you've only further embedded M in the relationship.

 

Worse, if you badmouth S to M, she will start to defend S or make excuses for not having left--then she'll believe her own defenses and THAT further embeds her.

 

So make a ground rule: unless and until M is ready to leave S permanently, you can discuss anything else in the universe except S. M will not like this, but you need to break the cycle she creates with everyone in her life--complain then stay.

 

You can also negotiate a code with M to signal you to call the police if necessary. She can phone you and say something strange, like "I think I forgot my umbrella at your place, can you check?" That's your signal to phone the cops first, and then go there to pick up M.

 

Short of that, be careful in them waters. The advice and support you believe 'helps' does not help, it creates conditions that either isolate or embed. Contact your local domestic violence agency for more suggestions, and best of luck.