unsure what to do, how to move past this...

[sho123]

I am currently in a relationship, we aren't married but we present ourselves as such.Have been together 7 years. We have a 4 year old child born out of this relationship (this go around). Right now, I'm unsure how to face him, look him in the eye. I'm just incredibly sad, not angry at all, just sad.

 

Here is a little background and I'm sharing this here because I'm really embarrassed to do so with anyone in real life, plus this is personal and just not the type thing I am wanting to involve others in. On top of that, I don't need any type of an opinion poll or "oh poor you, he's a jerk" from people in my life. With that said, I was hoping some perspective from someone who would have no reason to be one sided with me, would be better able to help me sort through this. I'm going to try and be nonemotional when telling this info, just factual as it truly was although it's embarrassing because I don't want to pretend anything was something it wasn't....here goes....

 

Long ago, my partner and I dated kind of. In high school, we dated one summer in which time he ended up getting back together with his exgirlfriend....he was just out of highschool, I was going into my junior year. I was somewhat of a misguided soul back in that day....had lots of great friends, was well liked, etc but I didn't have the best home life. I was deeply affected by this break up as I really liked this guy, he was my first, what I thought of as "real love" at that time. The years that followed, went like this....and here is the embarrassing part, he'd call me every few months after his night out or knock on my window, etc....at which time we'd "get together" but that wouldbe that. he still had his girlfriend, I never heard from him sober or during normal daylight hours or for anything other then this. At that time, I always hoped or tried to believe he cared for me even though deep down, his behavior said otherwise. I was smart enough to grasp that obviously just longed for something. Anyway, fast forward to my getting out of highschool and now, we're at same town going to college....same thing still going on as it was throughout my highschool years. Within my first year, I became pregnant....it was his. When I told him, he made it clear he wanted no part when he said "how do i know it's mine" followed with a "I'll pay for half". When I told him I would be having the baby, he said he had nothing to offer me. I pulled it together and over the next 9 months, he would call once in a blue moon....of course, only drunk for the same thing as always. Of course, I'd go. But he'd not acknowledge my being pregnant, not want to talk about that. He'd always tell me he loved me, I wanted to believe it but again, no phone call the next day....by this time, he didn't have the girlfriend anymore but was seeing random girls, never admitting that to me but I knew and certainly, he didn't owe me anything. If I'd call him during normal hours, he would always make excuses to get off the phone within the second he heard my voice saying he'd call me back but never would, etc. So I was young at this point, obviously very gullable and not independent in anyway. My mom told me if i kept the baby I couldn't come home....I didn't know about resources, etc and being the type who obviously felt I didn't have a voice of my own, was afraid to not please someone, etc....I agreed it was the best thing. Although inside, I NEVER wanted to do that. So mind you, although I did see him five or six times while pregnant, it was only in the light that I have described. He never went to doc appt or asked a single question...if i tried to talk about it when we would be together, he'd change the subject. I did make countless attempt to call him during pregnancy but it always ended in "he'd call me back". After the baby was born, I was desperate to contact him....as if he was the key to my not having to go through with this. Of course, for 48 straight hours, he never answered or returned a call and yes, he knew that itme was near.

[sho123]

When I left the hospital, I was a shell of a person....in more pain I ever thought possible. I thought it was enough to kill a room for of people. It was in these moments that I hated him....and more, I hated the part of me that ever gave myself to someone so freely. Had I not, I wouldn't be having this experience. I told myself I would never speak to him again, see him, etc. I also knew I would NEVER allow myself to treat "me" like that again either. I realized I was the reason he had no respect for me. It took months to even get out of bed....friends would come visit and just cry at the sight of me, for me, with me. It was, indeed, the most painful experience of my life.

 

I kept that promise to myself, I never saw him again, never took a phone call from him....I also never again allowed myself to treat myself with such disrespect. I married years later, moved away....had no idea what happened to him, wouldn't ever dare mention his name. As the years went on, I grew to forgive myself, I realized the girl I was with him, how it was I enabled myself to do that, thinking he'd love me if I did, hoping he would....I grew to view "that girl" with compassion, not hate or dislike. It also enabled me to forgive him without him even making an apology. I realized he too is a person, was very young and I had no right to assume this situation was "nothing" to him. Maybe like me, he didn't have a voice or know what to do....all those sorts of things.

 

13 years later, I was seperated....I went back to hometown for reunion weekend and guess who I bumped into? yep. we had a nice chat...he was as he used to me, funny and charming, had done well for himself. He too was seperated. we began communicating and yes, we talked some about the past. I told him I found some peace in that....the regret of that decision remains a painful place but that I didn't blame him.I realized we didn't know each other, were both young and I couldn't assume that easy for him...that I take responsibility for myself, etc. He shared a little....how hard that was for him. how he thought about it over and over throughout the years. He didn't go into much detail but I didn't push, I didn't need any sort of apology from him, I found for myself what I needed.

 

So, this relationship began...........well throughout it quite a few times, more than I'd like to mention, he has when angry brought things up in a not so nice way....such as "I knew I shouldn't have ever trusted you, you haven't changed a bit"....to things much more hurtful, telling me everyone thought I was such a * * * * * , that I slept around and he couldn't be with a girl like me. Of course, I didn't go back at him with angry hurtful words and I knew what he was saying was uncalled for. he was always sorry the next day but his apologys were sort of lacking substance. Eitherway, I kept trying to focus on today....he'd just tell me heknows it's immature but he knows I had slept with other people and it drives him crazy, he knows I didn't owe him anything back then, blah blah blah. Not everytime but a lot of the time, this stuff would come up when he'd done something wrong. The times it would come up when he hadn't weren't pleasent for me either. He'd tell me things people used to say about me....it would humiliate me. I'd tell him to no avail. I felt as if he was taking his issues, the ones that had nothing to do with me, and pushing them onto me. I didn't think people said half the things he said they did, woudn't matter anyway....I never understood how he thought this information would benefit me or him....when i'd tell him this he said I didn't care about his feelings or must not think it's a big deal "how I was."

 

 

sorry this has gotten so long, here is where it comes full circle. Last week, I was trying to share with him that the side of him that doesn't seem to take responsibility for things, the part that would rather blame another then look in the mirror was starting to cause some real trust issues for me. I was kind in how I spoke, I was just trying to put it on the table....something I found myself starting to struggle with. We've had some issues here and there, worked with a counselor....things were smoothing out but honestly, I feel that's because I did a lot of self review....realized MY part in things. he said he had but I didn't see that in his behavior. But he seemed happy, I suppose because I had worked on somethings. Well, during this conversation all these things came up....the stuff that he's brought up throughout our relationship regarding the past. from him, not me....I've never brought that up in a rude, blaming way. As a matter of fact, I've not extended anything to him in regards to that subject except my acceptance and compassion. I realized I had no right to assume it not a painful place for him regardless of his actions years ago....heck, look at mine. He's never asked me about it for ME, just told me about HIM. During it this time, after he told me some random humiliating thing that someone once said which really bothers him, I finally realized that after all these years, after my acceptance of him....he really believes the crap he's saying. i told him I had to hang up and we could talk tomorrow without anymore words. Of course, my voice gave away to how I had broken into tears (I was visiting my mom, not at home thankgod).

[sho123]

It's as if it all came flooding up....the comments throughout the years, the blame he pushes on me and I broke....the box opened, the painful one of mine that he's never asked about. He is so arrogant, self absorbed to think saying these things to me are OK. I'm sick and tired of him holding me to his one sided, completely one way view of things that leaves him victim. I'm so sick of him caring about himself first, not realizing that I have feelings too. And I'm sick and tired of him expecting me to understand. He has no right to discuss me as if I was this gross, known as the town tramp....of course it's always with a "but I've moved past it and I forgive you, don't judge you. I know my thoughts are immature." eeewwwwwww. moved past it? forgive me? don't judge me? immature? try unkind, rude, self serving, belittling, untrue lies you tell yourself in order to avoid taking your own personal responsibility, how about that? now do I say that to him? NO....wanna know why? because I wouldn't want to hurt someone over a subject so incredibly personal.

 

he began texting me right away with the apology...."I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. It's immature. I love you more than anything. I was just sharing my insecurities, I thought I could tell you anything....don't let this come between us" and all the stuff. I coudln't respond....

 

Here we are a week later and I can't face him. He keeps asking if I'm coming home and I told him I have to work through some things. Of course he gets angry and starts with the, "you were just looking for a reason to leave....you always are. you planned this" garbage. then back to how sorry he was he'll never bring it up again.

 

I have tried to explain to him it isn't what he said it's that he thinks it to begin with. I asked him where his protection of me is....where is his compassion, did he ever think in all these years that maybe I had feelings in regards to this subject? did he ever consider how hard it was to hear the stuff he said even when I'd cry and say "please don't tell me this stuff, it changes me"......I told him I don't see an ounce of him looking back at that situation and realizing that his thoughts of me were wrong, like I had. I even spoke from my heart and told him that LONG ago, I waited for his phone calls....as sick as it sounded, I loved it when he called because for that moment, he loved me which is what I wanted. I explained the months that followed the birth, what I came to grips with and how in the world, after knowing me now in the present, he isn't humbled by what I am telling him, isn't able to see HE has no right to think of me that way back then. to no avail that feels sincre to me.

 

he wants me home....said he's sorry for being selfish. But it's more a "i shoudn't have talked to you about that" kind of way. not in anyway that shows he gets it. everything he says is about him....not me. It's like that with a lot of things and I've grown accoustomed with that with him....but this, with this subject, I just can't. his view of me in that way i find humiliating. not because it's true....just because from the person who thinks he "loves me more than anything" could not see past his nose.

 

I'm not sure anyone can help me sort this out. I'm unsure what I am looking for....from his point of view I have these grand reactions that leaving doesn't solve anything (yes, I have left for a "gather my thoughts" period 2 times throughout our relationship, he says I'm a runner. truth is, it's hard to have a mind ofyour own with him....he is quite the boundary pusher). To me, I see how if i'm not wanting to "end it" maybe not being home is a poor choice however, I'm unsure how to swallow this one. I must not have many lines but I feel he finally found it. Until I hear something that resembles a mature, loving, true acknowledgement, I don't know how to be with him. I just don't. I said that and it's "I did, you just don't want to hear it because nothing I do is good enough for you." he keeps telling me I am the one making an issue of the past by taking it this far, etc. of course, he does this....pushes me then back steps as if I just want to argue. he'll tell me "i didn't say that" or "if i did that, i'm really sorry". his apologies suck with whatever the subject....this time, I DESERVE a real one. If he doesn't have it in him, then i just don't see anyway to continue. It's not the type of subject for me, in my heart I can just let slide because of his inability to have accountability...at least in a way that shows real substance. Not this time, he pushed way too far, way too painful a place. may have took far too long but this is how I feel.

 

is this a mess or what? am I over reacting?

[dancing_magpie]

Yes this is a mess. You have been through so much because of this man but managed to get through it and move on... but then you ended up back with him and it doesn't sound like he has changed very much.

 

He sounds completely self-absorbed with no thought for your feelings or emotions. I do not believe that he will ever be capable of giving you what you need and what you deserve, which is a proper relationship. He is manipulating you or trying to do so as he did when you were younger but you are a bit older and wiser now.

 

I honestly don't understand why you are with this man - why you got together with him after all that time and then why you have stayed with him after he has shown his true colours. You deserve better.

[ItsAToughLife]

I agree its a total mess.. Everytime you have an argument, its ending in the same fashion as the previous one.. This is not going anywhere but leading to the road of more misery.. You still have a chance to move on and may be find someone better to hold on to.. Why do you want to livee like this when there is a hope for happiness??