Sudden break-up, she still loves me?

[PianoGuy0]

Hey, everyone. I posted here about two and a half years ago while I was struggling getting over a breakup to get the nerve to make a move on a girl I liked. Thanks to all the wonderful advice, I was able to take a leap, we started dating, and for two and a half years we've been very happy together. We're both 25. Now, everything may have come to a sudden halt, and my head is spinning.

 

Our relationship has always been very healthy; except for distance. Her career takes her to Europe, but for mine, I need to stay where I am. Times are tough, so I can't afford to travel. The distance has been fine before, but last year things started going south. She was away for nearly four months since June, and during that time, we decided to get engaged in the Spring. She had doubts a month or so later and we broke it off (that was extremely painful).

 

When she got home, she promised she wouldn't be so far away again and strain our relationship so much. One year later (last June), she leaves for six months, breaking that promise. All the way up until the day she left, she'd gotten more relaxed about telling our friends that we plan on getting married at some point. At the same time, she's shown less and less commitment.

 

Last week, she tells me over Skype that she wants to stay for another six, possibly a year. I freak out (I think that's justifiable), and the rest of our conversation was awkward silence. We leave saying we love each other. After a few days, I cool down, and we start emailing each other again, and I support her travel plans because her career is her dream. Then she says she still loves me, but she's not ready for a serious relationship, and that she still wants to be my friend. All of the sudden I'm thinking... did we just break-up? We've sent a few more emails back and forth over the last week, and she says the same thing.

 

I really don't know what to make of this... did her priorities change over a week, or has this been slowly happening over time? She was sending me heartfelt love letters up until a week ago. Is this the same girl I fell in love with? In the blink of an eye, everything is upside-down. We've been living together when she's in town (her career takes her all over for about two months at a time), and half of her stuff is in my apartment. On my desk is a piggy bank we've been feeding to save up for our future. We've never fought until this, and I'd like to work it out, but I'm not getting a response.

 

Does any of this make sense to anyone? I don't know what to think and in the meantime, I can't sleep without sobbing. I really feel like she's making a mistake. I may have to start boxing up her belongings soon. How could she abandon our lives and our plans together so suddenly? How should I react to this?

[damnifyoudo]

Wow thats harsh mate. It seems to me, and i don't know this for a fact obviously, but she has gone overseas and might have met someone over there ? The fact that she is willing to just leave everything usually means that she has. I dont want to put ideas in your head.

 

If it was only the distance and she wanted to be in the relationship with you, she would of tried to work it out, maybe by seeing if you wanted to move over there with her ? I dont know mate. I wasnt sudden she would of been thinking about this for awhile now, prob since the time you guys broke off your engagement.

 

Its harsh what has happened, and its going to hurt like hell as you already know.

 

This is how you SHOULD react. Get all her things together all of it.. put it all in a box give it to a friend of hers, do not contact her what so ever.

 

Let her have time to think about w t f she is doing. and i MEAN that. The more time she has to think about it with out you sending emails and calling her the better. Go NC asap. Let her come back to you if she will.

 

What ever you do, as hard as it is.. don't go into PANIC mode... try and remain as calm as you possibly can.

[vertigoxo]

Jesus Christ, OP. That is really horrible and I'm so sorry what happened.

 

I have to echo what damnifyoudo said and leave her be. The more you bug the dumper, the more assured they feel that this was the right choice. Best thing to do is go NC immediately. Grieve for as much as you want, for as long as you want, but don't let it drag on after a few months... You'll have to pick yourself up after that and try to move on with your life, as hard as it is.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I also have a suspicion that she may have met someone in Europe, hence the sudden desire to stay there longer. One thing I would NOT do is be her friend. You need to be strong enough to cut the ties with her. I suspect she is not being honest with you about her true motivations.

[damnifyoudo]

I also have a suspicion that she may have met someone in Europe, hence the sudden desire to stay there longer. One thing I would NOT do is be her friend. You need to be strong enough to cut the ties with her. I suspect she is not being honest with you about her true motivations.

 

I agree with this. That what is seems like to me.

[PianoGuy0]

She actually has been trying to get me over there, and was hoping I'd visit in November, but I'm having so much trouble finding work over here that there's absolutely no way I can afford that. I'm a musician, and although things are going well, it's going to be a while before I can spend money freely.

 

It really doesn't seem like her character to be with someone else over there; especially since she just relocated from one part of Germany to another. I suspect it's more that she's fallen in love with the travel itself... Either way, I don't think I know the whole story.

 

I've been good about taking time to talk to her (two day minimum), but I'll cut it out altogether and see what happens. It's hard not to panic, but I'll keep focused on work and hang out with friends.

[PianoGuy0]

Alright... I just finished boxing up all her things, which made me feel a little better. She sent me a short email that says: "time to talk? Can I call you later today?" What should I do? Should I let her think about this for a while longer?

[damnifyoudo]

good move packing her things.

 

If she wants to talk.. that up to you, when was the last time you spoke ? and what was said ?

[PianoGuy0]

The last time we spoke was last Sunday via email, and she reaffirmed that she will always love me, but she's not yet prepared to give commitment to a relationship.

 

I didn't respond to her email, but she did call me an hour ago, and I answered. She didn't have much say, but between awkward pauses, she wanted to know how me and my family were doing. I kept my cool and eventually let her know that her things are packed up because it's too painful to look at right now. I told her that I know if she's gone ahead with this decision that there's nothing I can say to change that, so I'm dealing with it -- but that, as her friend, she could really regret that decision. I told her that none of this felt right, but if that's really how it is, I have no choice but to walk. Although she's still my friend, as someone who gave his entire heart to her, it's too painful to hear her voice, so we'll have to go our separate ways, at least for now.

 

She was very, very quiet. When she's emotional like this, she gets extremely shy. I didn't want to force anything, but I gave her plenty of chances to say something, but she never said anything except to ask about chit-chatty things and say she was sorry.

 

So I think this is all I can do. I'd like to hope she'll realize staying together is worth it, but I'm not counting on it. Now I just have to wait and deal with this loss. I still really don't understand this... maybe when she's back for a bit in three or four months things will be different.

 

Thanks for the support.

[PianoGuy0]

OKAY. We talked, and our relationship is no longer in shambles... but here's what's going on.

 

There isn't another guy. When she realized that she would be in Europe indefinitely (from a year up to three or five), she's been struggling with lots of different feelings; she would feel guilty forcing me to move, but she needs to be over there for herself. And, she can't handle not having me physically with her for such a long period of time (the last 3 1/2 months was torture!).

 

We still really love each other, but she's terrified of the commitment because our lives are so uncertain. But, as it stands right now, she still wants to end up with me.

 

But, even though we're still a couple, no room to get comfortable yet -- these are some hugely serious problems that, if left as they are, will tear us apart. I'm seriously considering moving to be with her, because I'd regret it forever if I didn't. (Honestly, things might work out better for me anyway over there.) Moving this thread to the long-distance relationship board here!