Please Help me/ Need advice

[Surfinman]

My girlfriend and I just recently broke up, it has only been about a week. We had been dating for 4 years. We were best friends before our relationship started and that is what made our love so strong. She was telling me that she loved me and wanted to be with me forever right up until we broke up. So here is how her revelation came about: Some guy tried to kiss her and she said she let him. But it didnt mean anything and that she is sorry that it happened. She said it made her question if something better was out there and if this was the happiest that she could be. I dont know it is so hard to believe. She told me that she meant everything that she told me in our relationship, but she just wants to see what else is out there. This whole scenario happened in about two days. I did the whole begging, pleading, gift giving and letter writing with no results. She said that she really hopes that we can get back together someday from the bottom of her heart. She also said our relationship was good and that I was the perfect boyfriend(probably not). And that she just doesnt want any doubts in the future. I dont know what to do. She says she wants to get to be better friends with her girlfriends and figure out who she is. I want her back so bad. I know that she is the one. I just dont know the best way to do this. We still talk on the phone and email each other alot. Should I have any hope? I would appreciate any advice. I just want her back

[Mun]

Hi there,

As long as she is emailing you there is still some hope. Unfortunately you can't change her mind, she has already decided this. The only thing you can do now is to let her go. Let her find out if there really is something better out there. I know this is hard but you have to respect her wishes.

 

Chances are she will not find the same thing she had with you, but how will she know and learn to appreciate what you gave if she has nothing to compare it with?

Sometimes we take for granted what we have because we have been so "safe" it's until we get out there and see that not everyone is as loving that we learn to value what we had. You need to let her find this out for herself.

 

Best of luck to you. Keep strong.

[Surfinman]

Thanks. Do think I should keep talking to her or try the no contact rule that some people use?

[Mun]

Well she broke up with you so, you are officially single. Treat her as a casual friend and go on with your life. Date other girls, behave as though you are single. Let her contact you since she is the one that broke it off and see what happens.

 

She may not have realized that someone can snatch you up too .

[J Sorel]

Look,

THe main thing is that yuo guys were very close and that is something any new guy will have to contend with. But, that doesnt mean she should feel as though you are sittign around waiting for her to come back. Its good that you guys still have contact.. but a) seriously, u dont have to do the whole 'no tact thing' but u have to show that your life goes on and goes on well without her. this transleates into, let her do ALL the contacting.. Dont ever seek her out, by calling or whatever.. Dont be so accessible. If she calls, you can return her call but not regularly,,, same with email.. Keep all contact short, and make her feel the difference between what she had when u were together, and now that u're not, without (and this is tricky) looking like yuor bitter or mad.. Just that yuor happy without her.. and do try and be happy.. The less your accessible, without looking like your doing it on purpose.. the better.. I personally do no contact for people who take me for granted.. Its never failed me. ... ever.. with people who break up with u for different reasons, like ocnflicts and what not, its better tokeep in touch to work things out... but when people take u for granted... u need to make them feel your worth..

but u do whats best for u and good luck

[Surfinman]

Thanks. I think that is exactly what she is doing taking me for granted. The no contact thing is so hard, but I am going to try it. I guess I just have to learn some patience because I just want this to be all over right now.

[J Sorel]

I know you want it to be over soon.. But if there's a chance it will come the sooner u start sticking up for yourself.. And seriosuly, u'd be amazed at the people who find themselves in yuor situation.. Its funny but I think its the peopel who are really type-A personalities.. often phsyically fit, goodlooking, educated what-not, who can achieve in all other domains of their lives, who have the hardest time with no contact.. it takes humility almost to say " ok, my wonderful nature isnt going to win her back on its own, when Im in her face she wont just swoon'.. but actually to wiat it out.. but the sooner u start.. (and also dont announce that yuor going to strat 'no contact'.. that makes u look like you're hurt' just dissappear off the face of the earth for a few weeks.. its cruel to leave the other person guessing what happened.. but comeon, how fun is what she did to u?) Also wehn they contact u , which they will.. wait for the second or third attempt before contacting them back.. and then be ALL Smiles.. You were just busy.. Living.. U dont really ahve to explainANYTHING to them and i dont suggest u reveal that u were purposely doing no contact because thats like being in war and admitting to the other army "oh.. we didnt do anything all day cause we were waiting for you to go to sleep and ambush u".not that u're going to ambush her or anything.. but thepoint is its a strategy.. as horrid as it is to have to return to game plans with the person u care about.. when a person is too dumb to see your worth.. sometimes u have to do what it takes to be like: 'remember now'..

Im doing the same thing as u.. under different ciircumstances.. so if u need help hanging in there. . just let me know.. Dont worry.. Ive been there before and it usually doesnt end disastrously so dont worry about it going all wrong. Poeple dont forget about uo when u suddenly dissappear.. But they can easily not even see yuo when yuo're right there.

OK?

[Surfinman]

Well, I think I already messed up. But from now on Ive promised myself to stick to it. She called me and of course the conversation went to us. Needless to say she clarified things a little. She still said that she needs to see what else is out there but for me not to think that just because she doesnt find anyone soon she is coming back to me.I asked her realistically do I have a shot and she said yes. She also said she needs to know our relationship wasnt just comfort but it was real love. I guess this is true and only time will tell. I think I need to do what you said and also take some time and work on myself.

[J Sorel]

Follow this: I give her two months max beofre she comes back;

Send her an email.. Write exactly this:

"Hey you,

Listen, I dont want u to think this email was written out o fbitterness or hurt.. although umay not believe it, but Im way beyond that now.. Thing is.. Something just clicked in my had during our last phone ocnversation when you were saying all this stuff about needing to find what esle is out there.. I dont know, but something inside of me just turned off, where you're concerned. I hope you wont be insulted by this, or think im being mean unneccarily, but I thought I should let you know that, on second thought, i just dont see you the same way anymore. Sorry, but soemthing just turned off. Well, take care and i really do hope all the best for you. Dont think Im a bastard or anything, I wish you well."

And then disspapear.. dont take calls nothing

[Surfinman]

Ok, What do you think writing that will do though?

[J Sorel]

a) It turns the tables around.. suddenly, yuor not so sure of her character anymore... She has as much to prove about her self worth as yuove been trying to prove to you.. Its deadly to let someone think taht yuo will accept them unconditionally when they are like "oh well, im not so sure about yuor value".. what rubbish.. scrap that situation out of yuor head.. no one falls in love with someone who doesnt value your self worth.. and questions anyone who doesnt want to be with them..

b) It doesnt gie her reasons for why yuor suddently"turned off" but if she has hal a brain she'll begin to think that its cause you've seen right though her (and you should be able to really.. she's grown confident becasue of the love uve given her and now thinks she's good enough for saomething else.. )also rubbish.. a situation which will be stopped by basically writing taht t letter.. for she will be like "uh oh.. he thinks i have an awful character and thinks HE can do better.. and she will have reason for believeing this becasue she knows, deep down, that she's being full of herself, becasue she has you at your feet.

c) dissappearing means you mean it.. not answering yuor calls will make her feel like she screwed up and revealed a not so great side of herself that turned you off, and she didnt even realise she was making that mistake.. she'll likely panic.. its not easy to leave someone youve been close t oo unless your certain they adore you.. (that doesnt apply for people who fight. but it seems that wasnt the case between ua ndthat she just took u for granted).

d) It gives you control.. you can "dump" too, a relationship doesnt just end when the definitions say yuo are no longer a couple.. a relationship is really the relation people have with each other and it existed beforeyuo two were an official couple and it exists now that yuor not.. so you can show some control too.. and you should not look like u want to be with someone who doesnt see yuor value.. cause then u devalue yuorself, and then, how can they ever value you.. but yuo look rational if yuo're like "hey .. u dont look that wonderful to me anymore after how yuove been acting.. sorry" that is how a fully confident person would act.. but sometimes its hard to see that when yuor blinded by hurt..

e) stick to the disappearing act for a while.. it helps to travel if u can.. go to the country or to another city. if u cant.. dont stay home, and dont go where you'll see her..

f) really stick to it.., if u do this an dbreak she'll know you have no balls at all.. she wants someone she can admire.. and that means someone who will stand up to her.. thats what yuo have to be.

g)trust me... im a girl . DONT break yuor resolve, she'll respect u less

h) THsi filps the tables and balances out the score.. Next time u talk (in a while )youll be on even ground.

i) do this soon.. like now.. if you do it in a while it will look like a tactic as opposed to a real decision uve taken about her character.

j) this was done to me.. i flipped out and ran after my ex., and i consider myself a very proud person.

[cbfan]

This "letter" is crazy enough to work. My first reaction was, NO WAY she's going to see right through this. But if you back it up--after long enough time (it took 7 months for another guy that did something similar)--she may just start to thing, ****, he's really not coming back. She'll be so scared she'll beg for you back.

 

But I think that such a stragety would work no matter what. Even if you begged and pleaded for a long time and then just disappeared without writing the letter. It would'nt have the same effect, but again, AFTER ENOUGH TIME she might just start to get scared.

 

In a way, "revenge" is a dish best served cold. An even bigger man would say to himself, "not only do I not like her after what she's done, but I'm NOT EVEN GOING TO TELL HER." You run the risk of her not seeing it that way, but what you risk in ambiguity you gain in power. Again, AFTER ENOUGH TIME, she'll have to get over the "He's playing a game" idea and move on to the, "Oh my, he really isn't playing a game.

 

IF and only IF she really thinks you'll break down she will have an incredible rude awakening!

 

It's a master plan really. She's thinking about you at this moment. You're actions are setting her up for shock 6-12 months later. I know it's a hard plan to go with, but it's probably what a truly strong man would do.

 

good luck my friend

[Surfinman]

This is some great advice. I dont think I am going to write the letter though, because its not really how I feel. I think she would just think I am getting mad at her. I do want her to think what you all have said though. But I want her to figure that out on her own. I guess with enough time without contact from me she will relize that she doesnt need to see what else is out there and what we had wasnt just comfortable but it was love. She is worth it, but I wasnt planning on 6-12 months. But if thats what it takes then I have to do it. So are you saying it may take 6-12 months of no contact from me? Let her initiate all the contact? Thanks.

[street]

i went through this exact situation last year, been together 4 years her then givin it im not sure im happy etc, we were madly in love but it didn't stop her leaving!! it took 7 months of being apart until she cam back..

 

in that time she went out with someone else for 5 months! but she was still talking to me until i told her to leave me alone, even then she couldn't go longer than 2 weeks...eventully she came back when i was going out with someone else!

 

we got back for 5 months but have just split again and im doing the no contact thing, my advice to you is to avoid contact with her..it gives them time to think and really see what it is like without u in there life!! i think u have a good chance of working this out but in the mean time live ur life who knows u may meet someone...pm if u want some coaching as it feels like im an expert in this now!!

[J Sorel]

Oh Im glad you all dont think the letter wa sutterly crazy.. I do understand if u're uncomfortable writing it.. I myself opted to not even tell him what I thought but just let him figure it out.. Can I ask you guys a ? this has always worked forme in the past which is why I offered the idea.. but what about in my case.. My guy and I were together for 2 2/3 years, I moved to another country to be with him for two of those years, and in January he asked me to move in with him and i was unsure cause he gets claustrophobic and i didnt wasnt sure he could handle it in th elong run, ot yet, i wanted to takeit slow for his sake.. and then he aske dme again in April, and was all like "oh you have to your my family, my best friend"..I said ok, and then he went on vacation with his family (so i wasnt too worried) to the Caribbean for 6 days... and on the second to last day met a girl, who was pretty but not amazingly pretty, and 4 years younger than us (like a baby really) kissed her in a cluc and decided he wante dthe single life and all.. I left the country, and havent spoken to him since.. it WAS such A FLIP SECOND DECISION on his part>. I CANT HELP BUT THINK IT WILL HIT HIM IN THE FACE.. I was such an awesome, cool, girlfriend, (sorry but when i see how other girlfriends are: either too naggy or too clingy, too weak or too bitchy.. i tried hard to be just righthim) been 8 weeks. 2 weeks ago he sent me an email saying he was sorry if he hurt me, that i was still a main character in his life etc and he'd be glad for news fromme.. i interpreted it as a lets be firiend email which i think is lethal.. to any chance of reconciliation if the othe rperson just has taken u for granted.. they'll never come back if they have u in their life as a friend... BUT my ? is: FROM WHAT I HEAR, HE'S GOING OUT ALL THE TIME PARTYING , ISNT GOING OUT WITH ANYONE, BUT SEEMS TO BE LOOKING FORWARD, AND IF HE REGRETS, ISNT SHOWING IT TO ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME.. SO IT LOOKS LIKE HE ISNT MISERABLE.. ITS BEEN TWO MONTHS WITHOUT CONTACT.. WILL HE STILL GET IN TOUCH WITH ME? WIlL IT STILL WORK OR IS IT POSSIBLE for him to really just be so fabulously happy never hearing form me again that he never bothers to contact me again and regret?

[Surfinman]

Do you all really think that someone wont come back to you if you become their friend? I was thinking that that was one of the steps to get back with them.

[J Sorel]

If u had split cause of fighting or differences in religion or cultrue or other thing sthat some poepl split about.. I would say, stay as a friend..

Here she took u for granted.. she is confidant to g out and seethe world cause she knows ure there waiting.. Really.. Its death to your chances in this situation.. Later.. AFTER she pursues u to get in ocntact with u.. u canconsider edging back in as afriend knowig that she has and is till the one trying to draw u back into her life.. but not NOW... ITS giving her more reason to not want to be with u.. PLease.. a guy who is friends with an ex who is like" I want to see what else is out there" STAND UP FOR YOUR WORTH BOY>> if u dont.. SHE SURE AS HELL WONT EITHER.

I mean this kindly, i know the hell u'regoing thru.. and i just want u to succeed.. Youre a nice guy.. bu i want u to finish FIRST, not last.

[Surfinman]

Ok...its been a little while but here is what is going on. She continues to call and talk, but now she tells me that she misses me. What is that all about? What should I say back to her? Also the other day I told her that I am not going to be here forever. That at some point I am going to be gone a she will not have my heart. I told her that when that day comes it will be the biggest mistake of her life. I dont know if that was the right thing to tell her but oh well...I did. I also bumped into her mom the other day. She said that this is something that she is going through, and that it may take a while for her to come around. She also said that they thought that I was the one for her and that no one else could make her as happy as me. Seeing as she has little dating experience. Do you all think that this is a normal thing for someone to go through?

[J Sorel]

Oh thats good news!

Ok listen, give her time to come around.. answer if she calls, but dont always be there when she calls. Dont play too hard to get, but I think u shoudl continue to appear removed and distant, ... not too much, but enough so she realises that she COULD erally lost u.. My ex came back crying and I let him know Id take him back right away, and it turned out that he just wanted confirmation that I was still there for him.. and then he took off again..So dont give her the certainty that u will just be there for her whenever she comes around.. I think ure doing alright my dear.

[Surfinman]

ok. This girl is driving me insane. Nothing new has happened. She continues to tell me that she misses and has even said that she still loves me, but cant be with me right now. She also acts (I do too) like everything is fine between us. All very frustrating. I am staying busy and not being so available, but I feel like I am stuck here. I dont know what to do to help her listen to her heart and not her head. I need to do something to help her act on these feelings? Any ideas?

[allenwchoi]

hey i was just doing some research, and somehow i ended up in this website... first i read the messages because i was curious... but i after i read them, i could really relate the situation to myself.. so here's how i look at it... the girl says she loves you.. she probably does... but she is not "in" love with you because she is still looking for something else... my girlfriend did the same thing to me and then she came back to me after a week... now for me, i couldn't take her back even though i was still in love with her.... because i didn't want same thing to happen all over again... and i told her that if she wants me back, words aren't good enough ... i need some proof to make me realize that she has changed and she will not make the same mistkae again... so before you get back with your girlfriend, u gotta make sure, the thing like this does not happen again....

so anyways.. u want her to listen to her heart? i dunno if this is the greatest way to do this but maybe u should get a "fake" girlfriend... and do not tell her that you have a gf now.. just let her find out for herself through her friends or somethin'... maybe that will trigger those feelings that she has for you in her heart... k i know that's not the honest and the best way.. but it might work... if she says something negatively about it.. just say you are trying to move on...(whether it's true or not).. if it seems like she's fine with the fact that you got a gf... then maybe it is time for you to move on... i mean.. i used to believe that there's always someone and the only one out there for all of us... but now, i don't wanna believe that anymore...

[Surfinman]

Well she wants to see me tomorrow. So....we are going out to lunch. Im kind of nervous. Not sure how to act around her. Any suggestions?

[allenwchoi]

going out to lunch with her huh... i think you should show her that you've changed alot since the last time you guys saw each other.. wear new clothes, and jewerly or wutever. maybe a new hat if you wear one..

just act as if you are just hanging around with one of your boys.... try to avoid talking about the things would make her feel awkward.. like.. u know.. dont ask her how she feels about you or anything like that... just ask her how she's been doing, ask her what she's been up to... u know..

and maybe make a little joke like, "so seeing anyone these days?" about laugh and smile while ur saying it...

if she brings up things about you guys... i'd say you act like you're now fine with it... and say maybe u know.. "it was ur decision, and i gotta respect that..." and i say make the date just the lunch.. cuz then she'll call you later because that wasn't enough time to catch up..