Help Getting Ex of 4 Years Back

[DeepestBlue]

Hi, I found this thread after reading ClarkM's experiences and the "reverse psychology and the 'Rebound' relationship" threads back from 2007.

 

A bit of background on my situation:

 

I met my ex-boyfriend when he was 17 and I was 20. He was in his last year of high school and I was almost done university.

 

The first day we met it was a group setting where we were watching a movie and I found him very attractive. We'd been having cake for someone's birthday, and somehow it had gotten on the floor, so when I laid down to watch the movie I ended up having it on my shirt, and he wiped it off for me. I don't know if he was really interested in me back then, but he seemed to be talking to this other guy in a blue shirt and they went off together after the movie.

 

I was actually in a relationship at the time (about 2 months in), and the 2nd time I met him, my boyfriend of the time came and hung out with me, so I guess if he was interested, he didn't try to make a move.

 

I began having a rough time with my boyfriend of the time- he was very immature and young and we fought constantly.

 

At another meetup, we were all at the beach. This was I think the fourth or fifth time we really met each other- and we ended up putting sand down each other's pants and chasing each other round. This girl broke my friend's camera- which I was pretty upset about, as my friend had been loaning it to me- and he came up to me and asked me if everything was okay, etc.

 

I actually really wanted him to be there with me- but my boyfriend of the time showed up and... he was really bad at comforting people, so he failed miserably and I felt sad.

 

The next time I met him, my boyfriend wasn't there- and we talked for a while. I walked him to the subway and told him that things were not going well with my boyfriend and I wanted to break up with him for a few weeks at that point- and just kept giving him more chances, etc. I also invited him to hang out with me (I didn't intend for it to be anything more than platonic- I thought we were just friends).

 

He ended up coming over to my house one day when my boyfriend had been hanging out with me and was just leaving. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he was like "I don't care". And I suggested a bunch of stuff, and he was pretty indecisive, so I was like "Okay, you know, if you can't make up your mind, I will go fold laundry in my room cause I have to do that."

 

So we went up there and he sprawled out on my bed and started talking to me about stuff. He asked me how many relationships I'd had, and how long they were, and personal stuff. Then we somehow talked about kissing and he said "You can kiss someone and it can not mean anything." and I was like "No you can't." and he leaned over and kissed me. And that basically started our relationship.

 

Suffice to say, I was already on the verge of breaking up with my boyfriend of the time- and I was really grasping onto straws at that point trying to give him more chances when I was really unhappy with him.

 

We laid low for a while and didn't tell anyone we had started dating- but the relationship went on successfully for almost 4 years. We almost never fight about anything- at all. He spent a lot of time with me- constantly wanting to meet me, etc. He always commented on how attracted he was to me, etc.

 

Just after year 3 he was relocating for school pretty much accross the country. I was really sad because I thought there was no way I would be able to go, and I would be left behind. Surprisingly, I got into a school in a neighbouring city, and so we basically both moved at the same time.

 

During the school year we were both extremely busy and under a lot of pressure, but I came to visit him and stay with him for the weekend every 2nd or 3rd weekend at the very least.

 

He invited me to come for the summer and stay with him at his place- so I did. I was worried it might be too soon to live together- and I suspect I was right.

 

Neither of us had jobs or school, and we were together 24 hours a day. He started picking fights with me over the stupidest little things like where I put the forks or which dish rack I put stuff on, etc.

 

Then he slowly stopped having sex with me.

 

Then he made new friends- over a period of the last 3-4 weeks he became "best friends" with them and spends 24/7 with them instead.

 

Then he had a huge blow-out with me and told me he was breaking up with me.

 

At first he said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted.

 

Then he told me he doesn't want to have sex with me and he's not interested in dating me- or anyone right now, and that he needed time and space to think.

 

He started a new job and works there nearly every day- sometimes double shifts. When he's not working he would go hang out with his new friends- often sleeping at their couch nearly every night.

 

For 2-3 weeks I didn't see or hear from him at all hardly.

 

I was really upset and crying for a long time. I told him I wanted to leave, and he walked in on me one night when I was packing my suitcases to go- he started unpacking my stuff and putting it away, and started sobbing and telling me I can't leave etc.

 

Since then I've tried to pack my stuff and leave about 2-3 other times. He claims he can't trust me anymore because "I left him" or "Tried to leave him"- even though he's the one who broke up with me.

 

During this period of time, he also claimed he wants to be friends with me- but it's clear he's not attempting to be.

 

He also wouldn't talk to me at all about the breakup- and he still hasn't told most of his friends or his family that he broke up with me. When he found out I was telling people that we broke up- he got really upset about this- and said I should have come to him first to tell him that I was going to tell people.

 

I acted a bit crazy, I'm sure- and desperate. I kept telling him how hurt I was and how miserable I felt that he kept ditching me for other people and leaving me alone- and he would respond with things like "I care about you a lot." but it sounded really fake and distant.

 

It's hard for me, because I don't know anyone else in the city- and I essentially moved here to be with him. I thought about going back to the city my school is in- but there's really nothing there for me (it's a small town), and school doesn't start till September.

 

I thought about going accross the country to get back home- but not sure if it's worth it for just a month.

 

At first I was really upset and sad, and was crying all the time. It's been almost a month now, and I just tried to leave again on tuesday last week- I told him I was leaving and he could accompany me to the bus station if he wanted to.

 

We ended up crying and he wouldn't let me leave again. I told him I wanted to try to be his friend, but he wasn't giving me a chance. He told me he's not ready yet to do that, etc. He broke down crying and said he was sorry for doing this to me, and sorry for hurting me- it was the first time I really saw him behave truthfully in front of me- instead of his really fake sounding text messages like "I care about you a lot". He broke down and told me he missed me a lot, that he facebook stalks me every day, etc.

 

Since then things have been better, I suppose. We hung out on tuesday night (the night I was meant to leave), and went to a Chinese restaurant and then came home and watched a movie and passed out in bed together.

 

On wednesday he went to see one of his "best friends" who he said is going through a rough time and he needs to be there for- I didn't feel jealous about it, because I understood that he wasn't actually ditching me or avoiding me. He had work that night- I had my own plans and was busy. He stayed at his friend's that night.

 

July 22nd (thursday) is our 4 year anniversary. I didn't mention it. He asked me casually by way of text or phone call that day to hang out with him during the day and afternoon/evening before he had work. I was like "Sure."

 

We went to the local cafe and he did some paperwork stuff for like 45 min, and then we went back to the apartment and his flatmate was there, so he asked her if she wanted to come, and she said yes.

 

We went down to the harbourfront and there happened to be live music playing, so we sat down and watched that briefly. Afterward we went for dinner, which his flatmate declined to come to. He had said he wanted to go to a fancier restaurant because he'd made a bit of money in work that he could spend (but I was pretty sure he wanted to spend money because it was our anniversary).

 

Things were very laidback and relaxed. We both had a good time. I finally brought up that it was our anniversary in an indirect way- and then once he pointed out that it was our anniversary that day I said "I think it's better if we forget about this date, and not try to celebrate it in the future, because we're not together anymore." and he said he understood and agreed.

 

I also mentioned that when September comes I am thinking of cutting off contact with him for a while because I said we both need some time away from each other to get through this and school will do that to us anyway. He said I am holding him "emotional hostage" (he says that every time I try to leave).

 

Before he went to work yesterday he mentioned getting a haircut today and I was like "yeah I could do that" (we used to go and get haircuts together all the time when we were dating) and then he's like "And we can go to the vietnamese place and get subs there too" and I was like "Sure."

 

It turned out he didn't get off work early enough to go- and he's not sure if he's doing a double (going back tonight in a few hours). He called me to tell me he was sorry he got off work too late to go and I was like "it's fine" and then we hung up. He came to the apartment unexpected a bit later and told me he wasn't sure if he would work the double or not- and if I was free later he would hang out with me.

 

He hasn't started dating anyone yet, but he's also given no indication that he would be interested in getting back together with me.

 

After reading all these posts on here from other threads, I get the feeling I need to go NC or LC as soon as possible- but it's hard to do that and still stay in the same city, which means I'd have to go back home accross the country or to the city my school is in.

 

I've made new friends since he broke up with me- since I have so much time alone. They are mostly very supportive and ask me to hang out with them frequently, which is nice.

 

I started trying to do other/new activities. I've been eating healthy, and trying to work out more.

 

How do I get my ex back? Do I need to leave town and do NC?

Is staying making things worse- or turning me into his "friend", so he won't see me as relationship material again- or allowing him to "keep tabs on me"?

 

If he gets a rebound, will I bet the "emotional comfort"? Many of the threads/advice here seem to suggest something like this.

 

I just want to know what the best advice is to get him back- I mean, for a full-fledged relationship. Is trying to be friends with him right now a terrible move? I am trying to move on and do things that are good for myself in my life, and by being around me sometimes, he can see that- I think. But it seems like the suggestion is that if I do NC with him, he will go nuts missing me and then try to date me again... Is that really going to happen in this case?

 

So. What's my next move? Should I leave town and do NC for a while? Should I stay and try to be his friend?

 

What is strategically the best idea for getting him back?

[Ms Darcy]

I'm glad you got all of that out. But ... if you want people to read it, I would suggest posting a shorter version.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You should not be thinking in terms of getting him back..you should be thinking in terms of moving on with your life. Don't make decisions based on him, make them based on what you want to do with your life and your future. Assume he will no longer be a part of your life. The sooner you can accept that the better off you will be. He may choose to come back at some later date and he may not. However, if he chooses to come back, the more you can become independent and not base your future happiness on him being in your life, the better you will be able to decide whether or not he is even worth having in your life again.

[DeepestBlue]

I know that I need to try and move on with my life, and I've been trying to- but I also feel like things are kind of dead in the water until September, when school starts again.

 

Once school starts I'll be locked into a schedule where I'm busy like crazy and NC/LC will be easy. I know I need some time to get over things if I want to actually move on (given I know he might not ever come back to me), and that might require not being around him for a while. We did have a 4 year relationship, and who knows how long it will take me to move on. At the same time, being in school I'll be so busy I probably won't have time to process my emotions regarding our relationship- and he'll likely be in a similar place. Things seem to be in fast-forward now because for a while neither of us were in school or had jobs.

 

I do feel like it would be better to have space and time from each other now- living with him probably is not the best idea, so I may move back home in a week or two.

 

With my school- I am locked into another 2 years there, and then pretty much a job for the rest of my life, so my career isn't something I'm worried about.

 

The thing is, he does want to be "a part of my life", but only as a friend. However, I think we are emotionally too attached to each other, and it will probably not go well. I will probably be jealous and insecure when he spends time with other people, and he treats me sometimes like more than a friend when we hang out.

[WockaWocka]

So. What's my next move? Should I leave town and do NC for a while? Should I stay and try to be his friend?

 

What is strategically the best idea for getting him back?

 

I understand how natural it feels to want to focus on getting him back, but you need to try to let go for now. Give him space, maybe go NC, and work on grieving the demise of the relationship (for now). It sounds like you haven't had a chance to do that because you've been hanging out as friends hoping he'll want you back again. As painful as it is, I would leave town and either see if you can get some work at your university for the rest of the summer or go home. As paradoxical as it may seem, you don't have a chance of getting him back until you let go and give yourselves some breathing room.

 

.

[DeepestBlue]

That's fair. Tomorrow we're supposed to go get haircuts. When we grab food or whatever I'll tell him, "I haven't had an opportunity to get over things- it's not really fair for you to expect me to be friends at this point. I really appreciate everything we had together, and I'm sorry if I insulted or demeaned you- I need some time alone to work on myself so that I don't do that to the next person I get into a relationship with."

 

That way I am cordial and fair as well as honest- and I show that I recognize what the problem was and am looking to fix it.

 

And then I'm planning to take the bulk of my stuff back to school and then go visit back home for the rest of the month before school begins.

 

Sound like a plan?

[WockaWocka]

I think that is an excellent plan. The only minor change I would suggest is instead of saying "it's not fair of you to expect me to be friends.." I would simply say "it's not possible for us to be friends right now" or something. Just to remove blame, because it sounds like he wants space too but feels guilty for having invited you for the summer. And if he presses you about things then just try to keep the tone positive and noncombative, ie that you're happy for time together and now just need some time alone, etc.

 

Good luck!

[DeepestBlue]

Thanks for the advice.

 

We went for haircuts and then afterward went to the viet place for subs. Everything went as planned.

 

I told him that I had really enjoyed the time we had spent together in the relationship- that I didn't regret dating him, but that I did regret taking him for granted- and apologized for the times I had kept him waiting, and for treating him poorly toward the end of the relationship- I told him that I needed some space and time to be alone and to work on myself so that when the time comes, I won't make the same mistakes again in another relationship. I also mentioned that we both needed time apart.

 

I told him I plan to go away for the next month- and that it's not possible for us to be friends right now, although I appreciated that he had put in the effort to do so.

 

I smiled and tried to be very cordial and friendly.

 

He started to get tears in his eyes and told me that though he didn't like the idea of me leaving and not being in contact with him, he understands why I'm doing it, and was fairly supportive. He tried to put emphasis on saying that he wanted to be friends with me as soon as I was ready- but I told him I couldn't make any promises and I didn't know when I would be ready to be friends with him, and that there was no guarantee that I would be.

 

He told me that when I get into another relationship, I will probably be ready to see him again as a friend. I simply said "I don't know when I'll be ready." and tried to keep it at that.

 

He mentioned that it was probably better that we both got our feelings of being upset and hurt and angry out this last month so that now when I'm leaving it's on good terms and we're being civil with each other, rather than my leaving looking like an act made out of anger.

 

He asked me not to delete him from facebook so that he can keep track of what's going on with me. I said I wasn't sure what I would do, but that I'll be busy and probably won't post anything on it anyway.

 

He asked if I would keep in touch and I told him he can send me e-mails or messages when he feels like he's ready, but that I will only read and/or reply to him when the time comes that I am ready.

 

All in all, I think it went well. We were both civil etc.

 

He says he wants to do something in the next few days before I leave, although he's busy with work. Either way, I'm pretty indifferent as to whether or not we do something. I got accross what I needed to, and I'm going to leave one way or another, whether we see each other one more time before I go or not.

 

He'll probably take me to the bus depot when I leave anyway. That will probably help it sink in to both of us that we're going to be apart now, which I think will help me get over things faster.

 

My plan is to do NC until I feel comfortable with LC. The thing is, I'm really not sure if I will ever see him as "just a friend", even though I know he's an amazing person- so I don't think it's fair to either of us for me to try to be his friend knowing that I will always want what we had before.

 

The way he talks about things- like he said that even if it's 5 years from now that I am ready, he will be waiting to be friends with me- makes me think that he will probably never get back together with me, which makes me sad. I guess it's a sign that it's time to move on with my life.

 

I've had plenty of other people hitting on me, but rather than entertain rebounds which will probably make me feel terrible, I took myself out to a play tonight that I wanted to see. I'm really working on spending time "with myself", rather than spending time "alone". I feel a lot better lately about things.

 

I haven't cried since the tuesday that I tried to leave, and I went back to eating (I hadn't really eaten anything solid in about 2-3 weeks since the breakup other than the one or two times he forced me to go to a restaurant with him and eat).

 

I've been going to clubs to dance and have fun, and been hanging out with my new friends when I get time.

 

Read some advice on here about working out and I need to get in better shape anyway, so I plan to do that as well- it's something I've wanted to do for a while but just haven't had the initiative, or other things always came up.

 

Any thoughts/pointers, guys? Did I do everything okay?

I kind of know my next course of action is packing my stuff, leaving, and doing NC for a while.

 

Actually, the NC will be hard for both of us from the looks of it. Not just because I love him and want to be with him (romantically), but because we both really care about each other and love to spend time together. But right now is just a bad time, obviously.

[whyme568]

Just wondering, have you ever told him you wanted to continue the relationship?

[DeepestBlue]

Told him many times during the month after he broke up with me- though for most of it he refused to talk about the break up and it was like pulling teeth to even get him in the same room as me for 5 seconds- he did everything he could to avoid me most of the time.

 

I told him I was willing to work through things and try to fix/mend our problems. I asked him why he didn't try- why he just gave up, and he replied "I'm tired." I replied saying that relationships have ups and downs but that you can't just coast- that you have to put effort in sometimes. All he could say was that he was "tired", and he claimed he has been trying, even though I told him I was willing to try ANYTHING to make it work, and if that didn't happen, I would try again. And then again. And then again. Until it did work. He was in tears but told me that he was sorry and that he just can't do it.

 

The first time he blew up at me he told me he "didn't know what he wanted" and "needed time to think". After that things became a bit hostile between us- he almost became a bit violent at one point. We had a big argument and he basically went for a walk. When he came back he told me he was breaking up with me.

 

Since then he says he's no longer interested in having sex with me, and that though I am very attractive- he's not interested in dating me or being with me romantically/sexually. He also said he doesn't like the person he is turning into around me (ie: the arguing/bickering, etc.), and that I make him go crazy.

 

He's also given me other reasons such as: he feels like he's throwing his 20's away (implying that I am holding him back from something, some experiences- maybe having sex with other people, who knows). He claims he's going to be an old man and have only had sex with me and regret it (although this is kind of b.s. in my opinion because he slept around a lot until he met me, at which point we were both faithful to each other for 4 years).

 

So, yeah. I've definitely told him many times I want to be with him- even to start trying to date him from scratch, or even casually go on dates- but he's rejected all of these options.

 

At one point I did sit him down and say "Look, if you won't date me for my sake or your sake, you should at least try to go on a date with me out of respect for the relationship- we were together for 4 years, and you're throwing that all away. You should at least give us a fighting chance.", and actually, we did go on one date- we went to a movie and it was really good. It was the one time we did something and we didn't fight or talk about our breakup, etc. But when I brought it up to him later, he says although he enjoyed it, he considered it to be more like us hanging out as friends than a date.

 

It seems the ONLY thing he wants from me is to be friends with me (although it's really more than that- we have a very very close personal connection, we know more about each other than anyone else, we have a very deep trust, we have all the intimacy and in-jokes of any other long term relationship). Obviously, trying to be friends at this point is a bad move. We're both so attached to each other, that we can't handle it like a normal friendship- in a normal friendship if someone says "Sorry I have to cancel on you" you don't get upset, you just take it in stride- and if they do it a lot you just give up on them and find someone else. Because we have a past relationship, if he cancels on me, I know I will feel miserable and possibly jealous. Our closeness will slowly eat away at any friendship we try to create at this point, because we're just too close. Besides, there's also the fact that I will always want there to be something more- and I won't be happy settling for friendship.

 

Today when we were on the escalator in the mall he put his hands on my head and ran them through my hair. He also hugs me every time we see each other, very tight hugs. In other words, he's still just as attached to me as I am to him- yet he doesn't want to let himself be in a relationship with me again for whatever reasons.

 

I told him point blank I can't give him what he wants, and he can't give me what I want, so I have to move on now- but I have been cordial and friendly/polite about it.

[DeepestBlue]

Ok. I'm going NC in a few days. I'm packing my stuff to move out tonight and tomorrow, and then I'm gone.

 

I wrote a letter with the intent of leaving it in my ex's school book- I know it's something he won't see until he starts school again at the very earliest- so he won't see it for at least a month maybe a few.

 

The letter says:

 

"In a few days I will go back home for the rest of the summer. I'm sorry things didn't work out between us. It may be that when you find this, I am still not in contact with you. In fact, that is quite likely. I guess I am writing you this before I go to let you know how much I care about you, and that I am sorry we cannot talk or see each other.

 

I am going to take this time to move on. I have a lot of things in my life to take care of- and so do you. I wish I could be there for you, to support you, to see you grow- I feel like there are so many things we could do together that I am missing out on. Unfortunately, I cannot be there for you right now. You made the decision to break up with me, and now I need to let you go- I need to be there for myself, and only I am capable of that.

 

I am not sure when, if ever, I will be able to talk to you again- I have many changes in my life I need to make before I even think about that. Please know I still care about you."

 

Do you think it's a good idea to leave this in his book, or a bad idea? If he finds it in a month, will it undo the NC I've been working on, or will it help to comfort him during this time? Or am I wrong for still thinking about a way to try and do something for him, when really I owe him nothing at this point?

[DeepestBlue]

Okay. You know what. Nevermind.

 

I'm not even going to leave the letter. I thought about what my advice would be to someone else who was in my situation, and I think it just comes accross as desperate and needy- even though my intent was to write it to communicate that I'm moving on and to help comfort my ex. Even if the message is that I'm moving on, the act of leaving it is desperate and frankly, I think, manipulative.

 

Being honest with myself, I think it's best to just leave on good terms, as I think I have done, and to let him stew for a bit. Maybe he'll realize he was wrong, maybe he won't. I think coming to these forums and mulling things over has made me realize he might or might offer to try things again some time in the future, but I can't rely on that ever happening- and even if it did, who knows how many years off into the future that will be.

 

I can't think about comforting him right now, and I can't think about being there for him, or leaving him little notes behind.

 

I know I have made a big impact in his life, in many ways. I know he still has all the stuff I gave him- the necklace I gave him on our first anniversary, the pocket-sized photo album I made for him when he was moving away and I knew he would need something small he could travel with... The puppy stuffed animals I gave him on valentines one year... He has a lot of reminders of me. Plus the fact that I will be gone from his life- that void will probably kill him. And that'll give him time to stew, and figure out whether he really made the right decision or not, and whether he regrets it and wants to give things another chance.

 

And if he doesn't? Hey. What can I do. Nothing except move on.

 

Regardless of whether it's him or someone else I end up with in the future, I need to get over this relationship first before I can start a new one. I need time to heal and move on and get over this. And then, once some time has passed by, I can decide whether I even want him back in my life, and to what extent.

 

He knows how I feel and what I want, and I think he knows I won't settle for less at this point, even though he may be hopeful that I will be his friend one day. I am very stubborn, so I'm pretty sure this won't happen. I also think even if it's way off in the future, and we try to be friends, that if I see him with someone else, I will still feel hurt and insecure. The only way to avoid this is to avoid him unless he's willing to attempt reconciliation.

 

It's not worth it to feel this kind of pain anymore, even if it eventually becomes a dull ache. I just need to let go and move on.

 

Yesterday made me realize this more than ever. He was at work in the morning, and then called me to tell me he was going to come home and hang out with me. I told him I had no expectations that he would really follow through, but if he wanted to he could come and that I'd be packing.

 

He came back early and had to go to the doctor because he had an eye infection. I offered to go with him, but he said no. He came back a bit later, and I was pretty exhausted. He sat down with his laptop and messed around and then went to the bathroom while I laid down.

 

When he came back he asked me if i was going to take a nap, and I said I was thinking about it. He failed to mention wanting to hang out with me or watch something (which he'd outright said earlier over the phone that we would do).

 

He even suggested that he had other stuff to go do, so he went off and did it and I passed out.

 

I wake up around midnight to him shaking me and telling me that it was too late now to hang out and that he was going to his friend's to sleep on the couch. He used the eye infection as an excuse as to why he can't sleep in the same room with me, and also basically said that we shouldn't be in the same bed because of our situation.

 

I told him I didn't care what the reasons were, and if he wanted to go he should just go, and I was indifferent. He told me he'd stay if I really wanted him to, but I told him to just do whatever he wanted- because I'm trying to let go.

 

So he left.

 

And the thing is... even though at this point, it shouldn't hurt me that he promised to hang out with me and then failed to do it, it really did hurt me. I had gone onto my external hard drive and taken the shows off it and put them on my computer, getting ready to watch them-... and of course, he failed yet again to live up to his promises. I'm so tired of getting ditched by him and feeling like crap because he leaves me alone. I feel stupid and hurt for trusting him and believing him.

 

It's hard, but I'm doing my best to continue to act indifferent. After he left I almost cried, but I kept telling myself it wasn't worth it. I haven't cried since the last tuesday when I tried to leave.

 

It's so hard to act like I don't care and am indifferent right now. I leave tomorrow.

 

I can only say that this experience has really banged it in even firmer and made it that much more clear how volatile our relationship is right now, and what a terrible idea it is for me to try to remain in his life as his friend when I get so emotional over little things like this.

 

So although it hurt me that he did this, it just confirmed my decision that I need to leave and do NC. I feel terrible, but I guess it was at least good that I learned something from the experience.

 

He still wants to hang out with me today or tomorrow I think. I feel like I keep waiting for him to call, but I know I shouldn't expect him to live up to his word. He doesn't owe me anything and I don't owe him anything anymore.

 

Yesterday he asked me if I'm going to throw out or destroy the stuff he gave me. I told him that really wasn't any of his business what I did with it. He said something like "Yeah. I guess I need to let go. Since I don't own any of it."

 

I didn't bother to tell him there's no way I will ever destroy the stuff. I might put it away in a drawer for a while, so that I don't have to look at it, but there's just no way I could or would ever want to destroy it or give it away. If nothing else, when I feel like I have healed enough, it will remind me of the happy times we had together.

 

I feel like there are hints that he regrets what he's done- like him being sad over the possibility of me destroying the stuff he gave me. So even though he says he's not attracted or interested in me anymore, that there's a decent possibility he will come crawling back. However, that's not really my worry right now, and I'll handle that if and when it comes to it.

[DeepestBlue]

I did it.

 

I packed all of my stuff up. I took everything. I even took the presents he gave me during our relationship. I even took the halloween costume I wore in October with him that we hand-made together. I completely vacated his life.

 

I told him a few days ago I had been thinking about baking pumpkin spice cookies with the leftover pumpkin from halloween- I'd even gone out and bought the nutmeg.

 

Today I finished packing around 1 or 2 pm. We didn't have internet because his flatmate who had been handling the modem just moved out the day before, so I had to figure out a recipe off the top of my head, but I managed.

 

I baked pumpkin spice cookies and made a batch of hand-made raspberry iced tea.

 

I showed him the cookies and he burst into tears.

 

He'd asked me to give him my address in case I left anything behind or he needs to mail me something. So I gave him the address as part of a letter that I left for him.

 

The letter instructed him of my address and home phone number should there be an emergency, and that I expected him to maintain the No Contact. I made it clear that I can easily contact him any time I wish and if I change my mind and want to be his friend, that I will do so. It also makes clear that he can write me e-mails with updates about his life- but that I may or may not read them, and that he can call me only if he is interested in actually trying for reconciliation, otherwise I asked him to respect my No Contact.

 

In the letter, I also thanked him for the relationship and the really great memories. I wished him happiness in his life.

 

As we were leaving, his flatmate was there and I had such a hard time saying goodbye. I had been pretty strong until about then, but as I was going out the door I burst into tears. She hugged me and I apologized for her having to see the end of our relationship- when things were falling apart. I could barely get the words out.

 

My ex told me I set a mark in his life, that anyone new coming into his life will have to live up to.

 

We took a cab to the bus station and he bought me some take-out food.

 

Buying the bus ticket at the bus depot was the hardest purchase I've ever had to make in my entire life. I was trying so hard to keep from crying.

 

He told me it wasn't good-bye and that he'd see me later, but I told him I might never want to be friends with him- it wasn't possible to say when or if I ever would.

 

He called me on my cell while the bus was leaving- he was crying. He told me he'd miss me and tried to have me promise to take care of myself. He followed the bus as we took off, and was waving to me.

 

It was a 5 and a half hour trip, and it killed me not to be able to text him or call him during it.

 

I got back okay. I'm going to hang out with my friend here tomorrow and possibly the day after, and then I have stuff to do- mailing some stuff, getting some transcripts, etc. mundane things to keep me busy.

 

Day 1 of NC here I come.

[Lastchallenge]

This is so sad I can't believe how foolish this guy is

[WockaWocka]

I did it.

 

I packed all of my stuff up. I took everything. I even took the presents he gave me during our relationship. I even took the halloween costume I wore in October with him that we hand-made together. I completely vacated his life.

It was a 5 and a half hour trip, and it killed me not to be able to text him or call him during it.

 

DeepestBlue, I'm glad you decided what was best for you and made a break on dignified terms. It was a really difficult process to leave and it sounds like you should be proud of how you handled it.

 

I got back okay. I'm going to hang out with my friend here tomorrow and possibly the day after, and then I have stuff to do- mailing some stuff, getting some transcripts, etc. mundane things to keep me busy.

 

Day 1 of NC here I come.

 

Great to hear you have a few projects to keep you busy--I find it so much easier not to think of my ex when I'm busy. Hanging out with friends is good too. You have a tough row to hoe these next few weeks but I'm sure you will do NC beautifully. And once school picks up it will be a lot easier to focus on other things.

 

Best wishes, and feel free to vent along the NC road. ;-)

[DeepestBlue]

Day 1 NC

 

Thanks Wocka. I really appreciate all the support and advice you've given me so far. It's really helped me to refocus and take control of things in my life.

 

So today was my first day back where I go to school. My housemate said hi to me, which was nice, last night. I haven't even begun unpacking yet, which will probably take some time.

 

I had to be up early to register for courses, so I spent some time doing that which was a good distraction.

 

My friend is only in town for a few days, so we decided to make the best of it. We went to the local Art Gallery which was free today! So that worked out well. It's a smaller town, so there wasn't that much of interest. There was a cool painting of a stuffed monkey and some tiger lillies that I liked, as well as some modernist Christmas cards that I am in love with. Otherwise there was a lot of mish-mash no name artists and a lot of bad abstract art and sculpture.

 

After that we went to the comic book store, which my friend had been promising to take me to, but we'd never gotten around to going. By chance, there was a figurine I'd wanted for a long time, but it's not cheap online (at least $15 or more) and is no longer in print- it was just sitting up there at the top of a bookshelf. I asked for the price, and the guy sold it to me for $3 so I was pretty happy about that, as I was expecting it to be a lot more.

 

After that we went for pizza- a mistake, I know, because I've been really working on eating healthy. I'm trying to keep my diet strictly to fruit, vegetables, and protein (fish/chicken/eggs). I figured binging once couldn't kill me. Once again, as luck would have it, they had $5 large pizza specials on wednesdays, so we took advantage of that.

 

Afterward we returned to my friend's place along with another friend and just hung out and watched TV shows and movies. My friend made really strong martinis (again, trying to avoid alcohol, because I'm not intentionally trying to 'drink my sorrows away', and I know it's not the healthiest thing, but I figure once in a blue moon won't kill me).

 

One of the shows we were watching had a plot line where the girlfriend breaks up with her boyfriend- and then they both try to be friends but it's clearly uncomfortable. A few episodes later they both start going on dates/sleeping with other people. It was really hard for me to watch.

 

Then we started watching Spartacus- which was even harder for me, because a few months before we broke up, my ex had been watching it. There was one scene in the first episode where the protagonist tells his wife he loves her, and she's like "You risked your life to come back for me." and he's like "Without you, there is no life." It was really hard to keep from it getting to me.

 

Worst of all, at the end of the night, I really wanted to text my ex and just tell him all the things I'd been up to all day- it feels like a bad dream, that my ex isn't with me anymore. It feels weird... and more than that, it feels wrong- like we've been in each other's lives for over 4 years now- we contact each other every day. The emptiness I know my ex must be feeling from the NC is hitting me too- hitting me hard.

 

I think I'm holding up pretty well. I haven't cried or done anything crazy or tried to contact my ex yet. But I do feel like I'm unsure of how long I can hold up.

 

When I was at my friend's place I was reading a fitness book, which was good. I have intentions to start working out regularly- hoping it will help me feel better and get into better shape.

 

At the same time, I made it so clear to my ex on what terms he can contact me. I know if he wants to get back together, he can call me. He knows if I want to talk, otherwise, I can contact him.

 

The not-having-him-around hurts. I feel like I lost both my boyfriend and my best friend.

[DeepestBlue]

Day 2 NC

 

Today I got up and my housemate and her boyfriend were making pancakes and offered some, so I had that.

 

Then I showered and unpacked my stuff. Afterward I went grocery shopping. It was a nice sunny day and a beautiful walk there.

 

I got a lot of good stuff at the grocery store. Almost everything I bought was: veggies (celery, broccoli, green onions, carrots), fruit (oranges, apples, mango, cantaloupe), or protein (eggs, chicken) and calcium (milk). I'm going to try to cut all the other unhealthy stuff out of my life completely now- I've been doing pretty well at improving my diet the last few years as it is.

 

Carrying home all the groceries was a good work out too. Got home and put everything away and am eating lunch- tuna with celery and green onions and a half a cantaloupe with water and green tea.

 

I tried to buy the bus ticket to go back home online- I can get a great deal so it'll only be $200 with tax included. The only thing is, it didn't work online, so I need to go in in person, which is fine. It just gives me yet another chore to do, which should keep my mind off things.

 

So I'm going to go downtown and pay for the ticket- I arrived here on tuesday night, and I'm going to leave on Wednesday. My friend who is in town here will be going away this weekend, but he'll be back on Wednesday so maybe we can grab dinner before I catch my bus. It's going to be a long, cross-country bus-ride... 3 days and 7 hours.

 

When I get back from getting my ticket, I'm going to do a bit of working out. Just something small to start out with, some crunches, jumping jacks, push-ups, etc.

 

As for tonight, I've got plans to take some hotdogs over to my friend's house, and he's going to have a bonfire. It's going to be a great time- something that will make a nice memory. I always love bonfires.

 

For me, this is a good time- I'm glad I got out when I did, before things went further south. And I know if I'd stayed there, cooped up inside all the time, I wouldn't have had the same experiences I will here.

 

My housemates also seemed happy to see me, which is good. It's nice to see them again too- I missed them.

 

I'm just keeping busy and trying to get through all the chores I have to do. Having order in my life is really helpful for me now more than ever. I don't know if keeping busy helps me to get over him- or whether it's just pushing the problem away... But I also know that sitting around crying all day isn't going to help me any. He knows he can contact me when he's ready (I left very clear instructions), and it won't do me any good to break NC- it would be a sign of weakness more than anything. I am strong. I am stubborn. I can do this. I'm not willing to settle for less than him asking to try again at a relationship, otherwise he can deal with a life without me in it for now.

[DeepestBlue]

Day 3 NC

 

Today I got up, had an orange, and then headed over to my friend's to grab a hoodie I forgot there.

 

I checked out the local bookstore which had plenty of used books and got about 6 for the bus trip (it is a 3 day trip after all). I picked up House of Usher, Invisible Man, Bel-Ami, an Arthur Miller play I'd never read, a Hitchcock and an Agatha Christie. I figure it'll make for decent reading on the trip.

 

I tried to drop by the office to get transcripts, but of course, they were closed way earlier than they should've been, and apparently won't be reopening til tuesday- guess I'm glad I booked for wednesday.

 

I did some sprinting/jogging and then went over to my friend's before he leaves town.

 

I spent the evening working on a drawing of a train that I started.

 

I keep feeling like this is some kind of horrible nightmare, and I will just wake up and my ex will be texting me. But no such luck.

 

He hasn't sent me a single e-mail, a facebook message, a text message, nothing...

 

I know I made it pretty clear I didn't want him contacting me unnecessarily- but I guess it just stings that he didn't even contact me to say that he's worried about me, or hopes I'm okay. I know he's trying to respect my wishes to remain No Contact... but I guess.... well it's really hard. We talked every day for over 4 years.. and now just going a few days without that contact is brutal.

 

I feel like he's the only person who really knows me and understands me- like we were best friends as well as partners.

 

Without that one person there for me, I feel alone and miserable. And the worst part is that I know none of my friends will be able to offer me comfort that can even come close- even my closest friends don't really hold a candle to how close my ex and I were.

 

All I can do is sit here and think about how he made such a huge mistake- one that I know he's going to regret so badly. But there's nothing I can do. He's made his decision not to have me in his life anymore- he broke up with me. My engaging in NC was the only way to save any attempt we will ever have at a future together, and to save myself by healing.

 

Before I left, as the bus was pulling away, he told me over the phone he was sorry for hurting me-... but was he, really? He ditched and avoided me for a month- spent time with other people whom he hardly knew over me, and planned full vacations with them... And to add insult to injury, treated me like I was crap for a month, made me hate myself...

 

Now he has what he always wanted. He got his drawers back- my clothing is gone. He got his room back, I'm not sleeping there anymore so it doesn't have to be awkward for him to see me. I'm not in his life anymore, so he doesn't have to worry about upset text messages or e-mails. It's all over.

 

I feel like I'm about to cry.

[Peacewater]

Well DeepestBlue, onward and upward. You are doing all the right things by keeping busy and keeping NC. From what I have read you seem like a great person! What's your facebook... lol

[WockaWocka]

Day 3 NC

 

Before I left, as the bus was pulling away, he told me over the phone he was sorry for hurting me-... but was he, really? He ditched and avoided me for a month- spent time with other people whom he hardly knew over me, and planned full vacations with them... And to add insult to injury, treated me like I was crap for a month, made me hate myself...

 

Now he has what he always wanted. He got his drawers back- my clothing is gone. He got his room back, I'm not sleeping there anymore so it doesn't have to be awkward for him to see me. I'm not in his life anymore, so he doesn't have to worry about upset text messages or e-mails. It's all over.

 

I feel like I'm about to cry.

 

Deepest Blue, I'm glad to see your progress on NC to date. A lesser person would have crumbled and contacted the ex, but you are holding strong!

 

As to your ex's treatment of you during the past month, I imagine that (unless he managed to hide his personality from you for 4 years and underneath he's an uncaring ogre) he has a lot of mixed feelings. He probably truly _was_ sorry for the way he was treating you, even though at the same time the guilt wasn't enough to make him want to change it. And yes, he may be happy to have his space back, but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss you or still think about you from time to time. Just that when he does think of you it's more fleeting/less emotional than it is for you. (This is an educated guess based on what I know about many similar situations, e.g. having been in the position of dumper from a long-term relationship. It broke my heart to break his, but I had to do it.) Your recovery will be difficult--you were with him for 4 years, and have a lot of shared life and memories--but I know you are strong enough to rise above it and persevere in the long-run.

 

Good luck!

[DeepestBlue]

A lesser person would have crumbled and contacted the ex, but you are holding strong!

 

As to your ex's treatment of you during the past month, I imagine that he has a lot of mixed feelings. He probably truly _was_ sorry for the way he was treating you, even though at the same time the guilt wasn't enough to make him want to change it.

 

There were a few times when I felt the emptiness and loss of not having that person in my life who I trust with everything, who I speak with every day, who I can confide in...

 

But that feeling has never once been compelling enough to override the sheer pain and hurt I have experienced over the last month... and I realize that he did nothing to stop it. In fact, because he probably felt guilty about inviting me to stay combined with his desire to keep me in his life, he basically forced me into the most horrible situation possible. He ditched me and treated me terribly, yet wouldn't let me leave.

 

The only saving grace I've had through this whole nightmare is NC. It hurt to leave him, but it would've hurt a hell of a lot more to stay.

 

When I think about the level of hurt and neglect I went through- I can't see myself ever going through this again. Right now if my ex did ask me to try again, I would say no.

 

I don't even feel like talking to my ex- at all. I feel like I don't want to see his number in my phone, don't want to see his facebook page, don't want to get anything from him or send him anything. I'm done, done, done.

 

I'm pretty sure this is just me being immature at this point- or maybe I'm really starting the process of recovery, regardless, I feel like crap even thinking about things. I don't know that I would undo them if I could, but I wish I could've gotten out sooner.

 

If my ex really cared so much, he wouldn't have caused me this much pain. He did whatever he thought was best for him- running as far away from me as possible, yet forcing me to stay in the apartment, knowing full well I had no friends or moral support in the city. Ultimately, he was selfish, at my expense. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't really do much to fix things, especially waiting until the day I leave to do so.

 

It was hard as hell for me to trust someone again after all the tumultuous stuff I've gone through in life, and I feel like he took that and twisted and scrapped at it and tore at it with his teeth. And now I don't know if I'm even capable of trusting him again, or letting him back in my life- if that's even what he actually wanted. It's been 5 days NC now, and he hasn't made any attempt.

 

Worse yet, it seems like my ex is going through some kind of a phase. We were together for nearly 4 years, and I offered a regularity and stability in his life. He rejected that for the "college lifestyle" that he'd been supposedly missing out on. His new job is literally a dive, his new 'friends' are people he's known less than a few months who can't possibly really understand him, and his new lifestyle is unhealthy. He overworks, he looks terrible, and he is constantly getting illnesses and not taking care of himself or getting necessary sleep. I'm pretty sure soon enough he will get over this phase and move on with his life- but by then it will be too late, as I'm already gone.

 

Day 4 of NC I mostly just reconnected with some online friends and worked on my drawing and did some laundry and other chores at home. I made a red thai coconut curry with chicken.

 

Day 5 of NC I walked about 2 hours to the liquor store to get my friend back home some obscure liquor that I plan to bring back with me on my trip on Wednesday, I also worked on my drawing a bit more and made food. I feel exhausted from the walk, but it was great exercise. When I got home I did a chicken with cashew stir fry.

 

Tomorrow I'll probably do a little grocery shopping and pick something up for the trip, and then try to finish off my drawing. I also have to fold and hang the rest of my laundry when I get some time. Oh, and I should probably start packing soon while I'm at it. I'll be packing light anyway, so it won't take too long.

 

It's really starting to sink in that I'm truly with myself now. There isn't anyone else for me to depend or rely on, there isn't anyone else to comfort me or take care of me. If I get sick, I will have to aid myself. If I need to cry, it will be by myself. Maybe this will make me a little bit stronger and self-reliant during this time.

 

Also, the flip-side is that I have an unusually large amount of free time now. Being in a relationship drains a lot of the time I have to do things. I'm going to especially focus on doing stuff over the past few years that my ex hated- things that I feel like I've missed out on in life, which I can now comfortably go back to enjoying by myself.

 

I guess that's my only comfort now. I have all my free time back, to figure out what to do with. I can go to plays, draw, watch shows and movies my ex would hate...

 

I'm trying to avoid facebook. I haven't posted anything since I left and began NC. There's nothing for my ex to stalk except memories.

[DeepestBlue]

Day 6 NC

 

Today I went to the grocery store to pick some stuff up, a lot of it is stuff that can be stored that I'll be coming back for in a month when school starts up again, so I'll have less shopping to do then. Some of it is for the present time, and some of it is for my trip in a few days, to take with me.

 

I did some cooking today, and worked on my drawing a bit, but that was about it. I've got to start packing soon- although I'll be packing light, so I'm not really too worried.

 

Today I felt very empty. It's almost a week now since I left- in a few days I'll be leaving to go back home. The ticket is bought and there's no turning back. My ex hasn't contacted me yet, so he's either respecting my wishes or simply not interested in contacting me. More than anything, it's weird not being able to talk to him or text him or see him. It's really really weird. Even when we were unhappy and fighting the last month, even when he did everything he could to avoid me, we still communicated. This is really going to take some getting adjusted to.

 

Even weirder is when my ex and school came into my life, pretty much all my friends got brushed aside except for a select few. So now that I'm doing NC with my ex, I really don't have anyone else to talk to or communicate with other than the same 2-3 people- which is fine, but when they're not around I guess I just feel very alone. And since nobody is here except my housemates, I spend day after day by myself, which is weird.

 

My mood toward my ex tonight is mostly anger. I'm angry at him for not communicating what his issues were with the relationship sooner. I'm angry at him for not even attempting to mend or fix things. I'm angry at him for giving up. I'm angry at him for being a coward and running away from his problems instead of facing them. I'm angry for letting him push me around- I should've just left like I wanted to. I'm angry at the whole stupid situation.

 

It's weird not having him as my boyfriend. It's really weird. I'm not sure what my life is or who I am anymore. One of the characteristics I always attributed to myself was as the person who is dating him. Now that characteristic is gone, and I feel like I'm sitting here with a dead and broken bird in my lap- not really sure what to do with it, struggling to understand why someone could do something like this.

 

I haven't told my parents I'm coming back. I'm not sure what to tell them.

[DeepestBlue]

Day 7 NC

 

Today marks 1 week of NC with my ex. Today, one week ago, was the day I walked out of my ex's life the way he walked out of mine.

 

I went to the bus depot, climbed on the bus, and I was no more as far as he is concerned- all my things vacated from his apartment, no more phone calls, no more text messages, no more facebook updates, I blocked and deleted him from MSN.... the whole works.

 

He hasn't sent me an e-mail, text or phonecall yet. If he's not going to make an effort, I don't know why I would.

 

I feel sick just thinking about the whole thing. I feel like I've wasted 4 years, learning nothing except not to trust people with your feelings, because they'll tear you apart if they get the chance.

 

Somehow I feel like I can get over this, but it's either him or me, and he made the decision early on that it was him over the relationship- so with that in mind, if I have to pick I'm going to pick myself.

 

There's no sense in whining or moaning, no sense in calling him or hanging off him. There's no sense in being clingy or annoying.

 

Tomorrow I'm going cross-country for 3 days. By saturday I'll be back home for the rest of August.

 

I'm only remembering how few of my friends are left- many of them were phased out as I spent more and more time with my ex. Maybe that was wrong- maybe we spent too much time together, and it killed my bonding with other people... Seems we spent too much time together, because he no longer wants to be in my life.

 

There's not much left to say anymore. Anger, depression, sadness, misery, emptiness, loneliness, I've felt all of these things over this little roller coaster ride... And was it worth it letting him make me feel this way? No. Did it help me at all? No.

 

When I think about how $hitty I feel right now, all I can think about is how much more miserable I was when I was still there, and it makes me absolutely not want to contact him in any way whatsoever. All I can think about, is how he made up excuses for months, freaked out about having no money even though I paid for everything... All I can think about is how he flipped out at me over nothing, and tried to throttle me at one point... All I can think about is the nights when I came home and didn't even want to be near him, I was so disgusted, so I slept on the couch.

 

And somehow, though it's weird to not have him here- I know he's not the same person anymore. What I'm missing is the person he used to be, the person he once was. The person he is now is a stranger who I cannot understand, who doesn't let me in, and who is a monster. A person who has his own new friends who I absolutely cannot stand, and who does things without thinking about any of the consequences.

 

He's not someone I want in my life.

 

And I'm glad I got out and going far... far away. Even if it's only for August.

[DeepestBlue]

Day 13 NC

 

Alright. So I just got in on Saturday from my cross-country trip! And let me say, it was exactly what I needed.

 

Other than the first day or so, I didn't think about my ex even once!

 

I met this guy who was from where I live back home and he had left a motorbike in storage on the other side of the country after going accross the country with his girlfriend when it was snowing in October, so he was going to this small town to pick it up so he could drive it back accross the country. Turned out he lives about 10 blocks away from me back home.

 

After he got off, I met this really eccentric guy who was talking to lots of other people. He was sitting next to this Brazilian-Portuguese girl and kind of hitting on her, but she was going along with it, even though she had a fiance.

 

We went through a ton of towns, including some really beautiful small towns. There was one right by the water that was very cute, it had little cottages and flower beds, and benches right by the shore.

 

We ended up making our own playing cards on post-it notes because nobody had playing cards, and we played late into the night.

 

We went to this little Western-style town that was adorable and had lots of little saloons and murals.

 

We went up into the mountains and were in the clouds! We got off in a few cities that were way up in the sky! It was an amazing experience.

 

All in all, I basically forgot about my ex. Didn't think about him at all. Was way too busy eating bison burgers and playing jukeboxes in diners, figuring out how to sneak booze past security so it wouldn't break! All kinds of stuff.

 

I met so many new people and had such amazing experiences. Took so many photos and visited so many new places I had never seen in my life! This was the kind of thing that changes your life, that you remember forever.

 

Best of all, every memory I have from the trip was amazing/great! I don't have one bad memory. I didn't fight with anybody, I didn't have to deal with any b.s. My conversations with people were great, and my experiences amazing! I learned so much and saw so much.

 

When I got back home I hadn't told my parents I was coming. Got in off local transit and walked to my door. They were really surprised and happy to see me.

 

The first thing out of their mouth though was that they hadn't been able to contact me, so they called my ex (they don't know we were broken up), and he told them he didn't know where I am and that I had broken off contact with him. I quickly explained that he had been being a jerk and was avoiding me, and that I was miserable there, and so I left. They didn't really mention it after that.

 

I've had some friends contacting me since I got back. A mutual friend of my ex and I contacted me, and I told him when I change my cell # that I will let him know so he can give it to my ex.

 

Other than that, I haven't really thought about things a ton. Mostly I spent yesterday uploading photos of my trip to an alternate account on facebook which doesn't have my ex on it. I'd rather he not see or know what's going on in my life anymore. I feel like he simply doesn't deserve to have access to me anymore. If he wants it, he can call me and ask to try again at the relationship.

 

Anyway.

 

The trip was good for me. Got my head into a different space and was fun and exciting, and now I'm back home and can see all my old friends.

 

Also, it's been nearly 2 weeks of NC now. Going on that trip really helped me to achieve it. 4 days of the trip plus an additional day of recovery yesterday and today brings me up to an extra 6 days. One more day and I'll be at two weeks of NC!

[DeepestBlue]

Day 17 NC

 

So, 2 weeks have officially passed since I began NC. I've changed my diet, started trying to exercise more, moved back home for the month, and now 3 days ago I met a new guy who is very interested in me.

 

He's charming, attractive, independent, mature, and very nice. Obviously, he's very very different from my ex- they have almost nothing in common, so it's not like I'm trying to replicate the previous relationship at all. I was upfront and told him I was coming out of a 4 year relationship. I also told him I am only here for 1 month before I go back accross the country. I'm definitely not leading him on, so far as I can see, since I was pretty straight-forward about it.

 

Despite telling him all this, he still seems interested in me. He's also made it clear he's not looking for a hookup, but genuinely interested in a relationship.

 

I haven't even kissed him yet, because I know coming out of a 4 year relationship, finding someone 1 month and 2 weeks later, they're going to be a rebound who will get hurt. I've obviously not really healed over my feelings from my ex, and it would be unfair to start a new relationship.

 

Nonetheless, I think getting to know new people and seeing the potential for relationships with other people is extremely helpful. I don't think it's necessary for me to be in a relationship right now- or ever. I think I can be happy with myself and only myself. However, I think envisioning a potential future with someone else is helpful in getting over my ex.

 

3 days ago I went to the club to visit my friend who was working there, and this guy offered to meet me, so we had a good time and then went to the beach after and just talked under the stars for a bit. The next day we went for lunch- actually we were supposed to originally meet for lunch, but he'd been texting me asking me what I was doing, and then offered to come to the club to meet me the night before. Anyway, we went for lunch as planned, and then went out to a club again and danced for a bit. Yesterday I had some errands to run, and then we went for dinner- it wasn't even planned, but we were both free.

 

It's been hard coming back to the place where my ex and I met. Often I walk past restaurants we went to regularly, or even a bench where we sat once, or a park we used to go to time to time... and it's really hard. I often have to look away or I know I'll start to get emotional.

 

I've been trying to avoid the facebook my ex is on, but I logged in today and saw he'd "like'd" something and it put it in my feed, and I felt my gut sink a bit. I should probably opt to not see him in my feed anymore, maybe that'd help. I don't know.

 

I'm obviously not really ready for a serious commitment- and I would hate to hurt someone, especially someone so nice and great as this new guy, so I'm sort of glad we have a 1 month expiry on things. We can have some fun going to the beach or for food, or just hanging out wherever for this month, and then when I go back to school I'll just be studying 24/7 anyway, so it's not like I'd have time for a relationship. Since this guy knows that these are basically the parameters, I think it's pretty fair. If he does feel hurt or miss me after I leave- I can at least say that I warned him well in advance. It would be more unfair of me to refuse to spend time with him now, and for us to both have fun.

 

He's in a similar situation, actually, having also just broken up- except that his previous relationship sounds a lot more turbulent and violent than mine was, and it ended on a bad note, with his ex still harassing him via text message, attempted phone calls, and trying to hang around the same places. Having read a lot of threads on here, I think I am becoming a bit more expert on dealing with these kinds of things- and I have helped to encourage him to stay as NC as possible when he gets harassed by his ex.

 

I think we are bonding over both being recently broken up, and since we are both in the same place, emotionally, lending each other some support has been nice, plus we genuinely seem to click.

 

Anyway. I do know I can't rush into anything or take things too seriously- so I am spending time with other people, meeting lots of old friends, keeping busy going to events, and potentially maybe meeting other new guys.

 

The last little while, other than when I run into somewhere my ex and I used to go, I've been doing pretty well.

 

I've still been 100% NC with my ex. The closest I will come in the near future to breaking NC will be when I change cell #s to a new local number and give it to a mutual friend of our's, in order to fulfill a promise I made that I would inform my ex via that mutual friend of my new number in case of an emergency. However, I don't think that exactly qualifies.

 

My ex still hasn't attempted to contact me. Since I was so clear on my expectations from him, I guess he is respecting me by doing so and/or figuring his own stuff out. Plus I know he is busy working etc.

 

It is a bit stupid though, since he was so insistent on having my e-mail and mailing addresses, claiming he'd send me tons of stuff and e-mail me regular updates on his life... pretty much begging me as I left, but now he still has sent nothing. Not that I expected anything. At this point I definitely don't expect anything, since I've not heard a single word from him.

 

I can say with confidence that I've been pretty happy lately, and I bet my ex misses me a lot, and probably is already regretting his decision. Living well really is the best revenge- and the best thing you can do for yourself and for the healing process.

 

Will be really busy this weekend, so I may not post much till monday or tuesday. If I'm on here less, it's probably because I'm just living life and trying to enjoy myself, rather than moping about and thinking about my ex.