Cant trust my boyfriend!!

[Tyra]

I was hoping somebody on here can help me with my relationship dilemma!

I've been in a relationship for about a year now. I've never met anybdoy like my boyfriend. We dated for a month before he even tried to be intimate with me, he was the perfect gentleman

However, after about three months, his ex who he was with for four years sent him a picture of him and her old dog and told him she'd 'come accross the picture and thought it was funny' he hid it from me and when I saw it he came clean and said 'I just didnt want to upset you. She means nothing to me etc but we are still friends' From this moment on I've been really insecure. She occasionally texts him saying 'hi, how are you?' etc.. all of the texts seem perfectly innocent. Sometimes she'll comment on his status but it never seems untoward. Likewise, my ex has emailed me occasinoally asking me how I am and to me, theres nothing in it. I email back friendly stuff and so does he. However, im so insecure about the fact shes in contact with him becasue I feel like she wants him back and I cant compete with the three years they spent together. We broke up about month ago, largely down to my insecurites and how 'cold and distant' I had become. He couldnt believe that Id even think he'd go behind my back and we just argued and argued To get over it, I jetted off on holiday with my girlfriends and while i was away he begged me to get back together, told me he loved me, breaking up was the biggest mistake we ever made etc. As soon as I landed he was at the airport suggesting we give it another go. I said yes and since then weve been so so happy but I cant shake this insecurity of his ex. I hate her! I dont know how often theyre in touch as I think he keeps it quiet to avoid an argument. Am I being silly? I really need advice!!!! thanks!!!!

[Xylitol]

Look Tyra what matters is now and not the past, look at how old your bf is, and how old you are, at that age you can't expect a person not to have any baggage from the past, you had your ex, both of you probably had sex with them, and had problems with drama this and drama that etc etc. Its not the point.

 

The point is that you need to learn what to let go, and what to keep.

 

Ok imagine im your bf, i would cheat behind your back and tell you lies. Now you can go psycho over the fact that im cheating on you. Or you can let it go by telling yourself: There's things in life that i can control, and there's things that i cannot control, its pointless for me to care about things that are not in my control because i cannot change them. If your bf cheats, then the rightfull thing that you do is to excersise the control that you have, and break up with him.

 

But every person deserves at least one chance in life, i always apply the 'innocent until proven guilty' , but you seriously need to learn to control yourself, otherwhise you'll become a victim of the paranoid.

 

Its always good to be a little sceptical, but not to the point where it starts controlling your life like you have shown with your insecure behaviour. Insecurity doesn't exist, you just always have to go for gold in your life even if you aren't sure of it,because that way you can effectively cut off insecurity from your life. You either know something, or you do not know something, there's nothing in between. That way you create strict borders that disable doubt. And when you are in doubt, don't do it. Its as simple as that.

 

You must understand that loving someone doesn't make you a 'owner' of that person, a bf is not a prisoner, you can love someone but you cannot hold them captive, you only have 50% control, the rest is based on trust, trust is given with time, the longer your bf appears trustworthy, the more trust he has earned. Never 100% tho, 99% max because you never know what may happen.

 

So you just go with your bf and live happily ever after and throw your insecurities out of the window.

[summerpeach]

XY: great post and lots of food for thought with me there.

[ks240030]

Hi Tyra,

 

I have an idea of what you are going through. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and when I first started dating him, he told me he was once engaged when he was in his late 20's (we are early 30's)

 

I became obsessive and wanted to find out everything about this girl and like your boyfriend, he said that he loves me and she is in the past. The one good thing in my situation was that she lives in another country.

 

Based on your post, it really seems your boyfriend is sincere and he really wants to be with you. Trust is an ESSENTIAL part of a relationship. You need to trust him that he is with you because he WANTS YOU.

 

My advice to you is show him that you are better than his ex-girlfriend. There is a reason she is his ex. There must be a really good reason why they broke up after 4 years of relationship. You can ask him his reasoning of how that relationship did not work out.

 

Be the girlfriend he fell in love with. He went to pick you up and asked you to re-consider. That means he wants YOU.

 

Good luck!

[Unreasonable]

The fact that they are just saying stuff like "How are you?" would mean to me that nothing is going on. There is no point in being like this unless it becomes more than that. You don't need to worry about her so much as your boyfriend. Did she dump him? Does he speak fondly and reminisce about her? If he dumped her then there's a reason he did. If he's a good boyfriend she doesn't matter, if she gets too forward he'll back away.

 

Sounds like you dumped him with no substantial reason. Glad you're back together but yes you need more than the fact that you hate her to take it out on him.

[Tyra]

Thankyou for the responses,

 

It feels like I get better responses from people ive never met on these forums so thankyou again.

 

The only point I'll add is that she dumped him and from what ive heard from mutual friends is that he was devastated. However, this was three years ago nearly and since then he dated another girl and spent a whole year single before meeting me.

 

This is why I dont understand why this girl wont let go!!

[Unreasonable]

Thankyou for the responses,

 

It feels like I get better responses from people ive never met on these forums so thankyou again.

 

The only point I'll add is that she dumped him and from what ive heard from mutual friends is that he was devastated. However, this was three years ago nearly and since then he dated another girl and spent a whole year single before meeting me.

 

This is why I dont understand why this girl wont let go!!

Well, the most important thing is what HE thinks about her. I actually have gone through a similar situation, in reverse kind of. My wife dumped a guy she'd been dating for 3 years for me, but he was overseas and it was over the phone so she always felt guilty about it and never really experienced full closure.

 

This guy was crushed and I think that actually helped him get over her. They reconnected on facebook years later and I found out she still felt a very strong bond with this guy and could not stop thinking about him. A bond that I could not support and allow to grow, so I told her I wanted her to stop talking to him.

 

It really has to do with your guys feelings, not hers. If you think he still has a love connection with her, initiating contact all the time, then yeah, you have a right to be concerned. If he truly is over her and loves you though, he'll cut her off if she crosses the line. Really, by now you have probably talked to him to death about this and know how he feels about her.

[Tyra]

Yeah Ive spoken to him. He gets really really angry if I say anything about it. He's like 'If you think Id ever do that to you, you dont know me' and then tells me to email her and tell her to back off if it upsets me so much but I dont want to be that girl, all obsessive and untrusting. I think if I did that it proves our relationship really has no basis.

[Unreasonable]

He's probably not the cheating type. If he said you could actually e-mail her and tell her to back off then that probably means he has no feelings for her that way. And no, I wouldn't do that. Not unless you find something more than friendly. Just remember that the trust issue is not between you and her, you aren't dating her. It's between you and him.

[Tyra]

So do you think I should just turn a blind eye and trust everything that happens is innocent? Im trying to take on the advice that if he wanted her he would be with her. I think shes made it quite clear she'd take him back in a heartbeat

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You yourself say that you have had contact with an ex. So if you can have contact with your ex from time to time and it means nothing to you then why is it inconceivable to you that your boyfriend can't feel the same lack of romantic emotion when he is in contact with his ex. You can't have two sets of rules, one for yourself and one for your boyfriend. Why does your ex contact you...one could argue that he contacts you because he wants you back....using the same argument you are using about your bf's ex wanting him back. Nobody knows what really goes on in someone's mind. Yes, there has most definitely been cheating in some cases where ex's keep in touch even though they are with another partner. I am not much in favour of ex's keeping in touch when there is a new partner...however, I don't believe in double standards where it is okay for one person but suspicious behaviour if the other person does it.

[Unreasonable]

So do you think I should just turn a blind eye and trust everything that happens is innocent? Im trying to take on the advice that if he wanted her he would be with her. I think shes made it quite clear she'd take him back in a heartbeat Did she say that? Or are you just assuming that since she hasn't completely broken off communication with him? Does the ex you still talk with want to get back with you? If so, then why are you talking to him?

 

Imo, you should assume things are on the up and up until you are given reason to believe otherwise. But turning a blind eye to suspicious behavior? No, I would not do that. But I'm not really seeing evidence of suspicious behavior on his part here. Do you have any?

[Tyra]

I really like your comment because it really kind of confirms in my head how neurotic I can be about the situation. You're so right. It is double standards and it is insecurity. But the question is, ho do I get over it without jeapordising what ive got?

[Tyra]

My only evidence is that she sent him a pic of the two of them when they were together... why would you do that two years after a relationship breaks down if you're not trying to remind them of the good times etC?? I think its a game and thats what annoys me.

[Unreasonable]

If your ex sent you a picture of something you did together (assuming it wasn't romantic/sexual), would it be clear to you that he would take you back in a heartbeat? More importantly, would you act on it?

 

I mean, did it come with a note saying "Aw, look how good we look together! That was so special to me. I really miss those times." THAT is pretty clear. But a picture? Not so much.

[luv2bfit]

Ugh.. All I have to say is I feel for you... I know it's difficult been there before and I'm going through it right now.

Except I was living with my boyfriend and together for 8 months and only then found out he was even talking to a specific ex. He never mentioned they speaking ever, I had no idea and he hid it from me

Take it as comfort that at least you know of the communication, he's been honest enough to let you know, therefore to me that does show on some level he's not intending to do anything wrong. People don't openly disclose things to people if they intend to do something bad with it.