Need advice! I want him back

[LizS]

I posted a very long description a couple days ago, but only got one response. I really need advice. Ill make it short.

 

Im 22, my ex is 24. Dated a year and a half. We had a good relationship, no real issues at all. After 8 months or a year, we fell into a routine, he got tired of me making excuses for not taking interest in his hobbies/friends/social events. Truth is, Ive always wanted to hang out with his friends and go to his events and learn his hobbies. But the honest reason I never did is because I was scared that I would look awkward or his friends wouldnt like me. I realize now that its such a stupid reason, but its the truth.

 

We split up June 13th. The week after that, we talked every day. Things were good, we agreed to really work on being friends, because we never really were friends with each other and we always felt it negatively affected our relationship. I was excited about this and so was he. He told me I was beautiful and sexy, and offhanded comments like that a week after we split up.

 

June 22, he texted me that he missed me. June 23, we watched a movie together, totally as friends. Except when I got there, he kept trying to lean on me and cuddle. I went along with it. Movie ended, I got up to leave. He pretty much begged me to stay and said "friends can cuddle!". I said I needed to go home, because I wanted to show him that Im strong. We hugged a long time and he said "this sucks" and pulled on my belt loops.

The next few days, he was colder to me. He acted like that night hadnt happened. I was very confused at how he was acting. We still talked about every day.

 

June 28th, I sent him an email asking him if he had changed his mind about what he wanted to do with "us." Didnt get an answer.

 

We didnt see/talk to each other until July 6th. He said "Im still willing to talk sometime soon. I hope you had a great weekend." We talked about random stuff on chat. I asked him he was seeing anyone else. He said no, that he didnt have anyone lined up/wasnt dating and that he "assumed I was doing the same?" I asked him what the point of keeping me around was. He never answered (we were on chat).

I got fed up with his strange changes/inconsistencies in behavior and sent him an email saying I was going to be out for a few months and that if he wanted me he knew how to reach me. The next day, I told him on chat that he could still come to my performances (Im a dancer) if he wanted to. He said "of course I would. Please let me know." And then he invited me to an event the next week. What??? This was after he told me the day before it was hard for him to be around me at events without being "with" me. And right after I essentially sent him a goodbye email. I said "did you not get my email?" He said "ah crap, nevermind then, dont come. Whatever." And then he said "lunch time, Im out. Good luck sorting me out."

 

Last week, I find out hes in a relationship with another girl that hes known a couple months. Just 5 days earlier, he told me he wasnt looking for anyone and was lying low. And just 3 weeks earlier, he was begging me to stay and saying he missed me. Shes 26, lives at her parents, works at a pizza place, and is not as attractive as me. She does seem good for him, though. She shares his interests.

 

I want him back. Not now, not anytime soon. But I want another go in a few months/a year. My issues are easy fixes and he just needs to work on communication. We are very physically attracted to each other. I feel like we could definitely work out. I feel like I could marry this guy and we could be awesome together. I havent spoken to him since July 6th. Hes been logged off chat for two weeks. Just a couple days ago, he logged back on. He would only be on to talk to me. I know he isnt talking to someone else, because hes idle alot. I feel like hes waiting for me to say something. And I wouldnt be surprised if I got a "hey, how are you?" from him soon.

 

What do I do as far as no contact/limited contact? Ive been told that if I feel the same way in a couple months, to send him something saying the door is open, and say my honest feelings. My ex actually gave me that advice. And I did end up getting that ex back. Right now, I think Ill leave him alone until winter and come back and hang out with him. Hopefully he'll be impressed with me and we'll get along better than before and things may progress from there. This new girl is a roadblock for me, though....

Im not surprised hes dating her, he thrives off physical attention. Its very strange of him to make an official relationship on facebook this soon, though. His status has always been single for the 2 years Ive known him before me, even while he was casually seeing people.

 

Advice for a direction to go?

[DN]

If he's with another girl then he's not available. But if he does become available waiting for months is not a good idea.

[Esteller]

honestly.. do you want to get over him? or you really want him back? if you do have your doors open for him let me tell you one things. things got to be different then your previous relationship with him. you got to set down the law about whats up becuase if you dont he might continue to do what he did the first time and you might get hurt again.... and again. you dont want that.

[lostnscared]

Honestly if he's moved on, I think you need to move on too. It's difficult I know, but when he made it known that he was with this girl, as unattractive and unappealing she may be--that pretty much altered any timeline or plans that you could possibly have for a future with him. How can you give it a go in a year, if he's already taken? You don't know if he'll break up with the woman or not.

 

I understand what your going through, I do, I'm on a break with my guy that I was with for 6.5 years. But you need to stay on NC.

 

Give it at least two months of NC and then I think this wanting to be with him, will slowly fade.

 

I'm on my third/fourth week of NC, and it's getting difficult, but I suspect that within a few months I'll be fine.

 

Good luck.

[LizS]

DN,

what do you mean waiting for months isn't a good idea?

I figured that making any sort of move now would just make me look desperate and that he's still in a honeymoon phase with the new girl. My thinking was that after a few months, he'd see some of her flaws, and definitely welcome me back into his life as a friend. After all, the guy literally begged me to be friends with him. He said "I really do want to be friends, I dont want us to say that we are, and then never speak to each other again after a week."

 

I do think that him and the new girl will probably be together awhile, which is kind of a good thing. I dont want him back now. He needs to figure out what he wants. Everyone in our circle of friends is pretty confused as to what he's doing and they keep saying that he needs to make this mistake and have it blow up in his face so he can learn. None of our friends agree with what he's doing and some have told him this. He seems unsure of what he wants. Im by no means waiting around or expecting him to drop her anytime soon and come running back to me with open arms. I feel pretty good and Im moving on great so far. I may not even want him back in a few months. But I'm willing to say that when/if I come back into his life, Im going to have an edge over this other girl. He wont drop her for me immediately at all, but I feel like theres a definite chance in the future if I take the time away to improve myself.

Im just not sure if I should do absolute NC until then or if I should do some limited contact....and the advice I got about sending him something saying the door is open and telling him how I feel in a couple months seems weird to me when he has a new girlfriend.

I have got an ex back before, two years ago. Almost exact same situation, we were together a year and a half, he broke up with me, it was messy (this breakup was not messy), he casually saw someone else, they eventually didnt work out. Didnt speak to him at all for a year. He acted like he hated me. After a year of no speaking, we started spending time together, and eventually things progressed to getting back together.

[LizS]

Also, if he contacts me would it be wise to ignore him or answer him? Strict no contact is dicey to me, because I feel like he'll think Im angry or bitter about us or the new girl. I dont want to come accross as bitter. I will not hang around as his friend, but I do want to get accross the message that Im doing great. I, on the other hand, will not reach out and contact him for a very long time.

What do you guys think the deal is with the girl? Im curious. GIGS or rebound? Im confused because he did sort of know her before we split. But he had no plans to date anyone after we split. I think something happened at his birthday on the July 9th, to facilitate him getting into a relationship with this girl. A friend at his party told me he was drunk and cuddling with her, so thats the night things happened. I do believe he wasnt lying to me when he said he wasnt wanting to date anyone and didnt have anyone lined up....but then why in the world would he get into a relationship with this girl?! Especially when she recently broke up with her boyfriend. Its all so weird to me. And out of character for my ex to do this.

[lostnscared]

Do you honestly want to wait around months and even years before he comes back? Why would you(as young as you are) want to wait for him to come back to you, when you could be dating and moving forward. Regardless of what happened with your last ex that does not mean that your current ex will do the same thing. He may or may not come back. He may marry this girl, for all we know. Banking on him "coming to his senses" is just not a good idea, because you may find yourself waiting for a while OR he may not come back.

 

When people break up and then the dumper starts dating again--it's best to assume that he has moved on. It's one thing if you both aren't dating and are taking the time apart to assess yourself, but he is NOT. He moved on with another woman, and it is time that you do the same.

 

Move forward. Don't wait.

[DN]

DN,

what do you mean waiting for months isn't a good idea?

I meant once he is available - if you wait for months after that he may find someone else before you contact him.