girlfriend HATES sex and different positions

[zccr3279]

First off, I just want to thank the members and forum for providing great information on these types of subjects. I've already explored several threads on this subject, which helped me out alot, but figured I'd give my own situation and hopefully get some opinions on how I should deal with my specific problem.

 

To put it bluntly, my girlfriend absolutely hates sex and when we have sex, she refuses to do *any* position other than her on top. If I ask her more than once or twice (about changing positions), the game's over and she stops sex immediately. When I ask her why she hates sex (or changing positions) so much, she never gives me an answer besides "I just do"...which i know can't be an answer...

 

Here's a list of general facts about her and I:

 

- She is 22, I'm almost 26

- We have been dating for 1 year and 8 months, but had known each other fairly well 2 years prior to dating

- I had 1 "serious" prior relationship for 4 years

- She's had several relationships but they never lasted longer than 6 or 7 months

- She's still in college

- I graduated, got a job, and now live 70 minutes away

- I visit her only on the weekends, usually 80%+ each month

 

Facts about our sex life:

 

- We started physical (hand) activity about 3 months into our relationship

- She previously had never seen or touched a guy

- She HAD been fingered by her previous boyfriend several times

- At first she didn't like being touched and said she didn't like it with her previous boyfriend either

- She told me a story that she was repeatedly inappropriately touched by a classmate (boy) in 1st grade

- She now doesn't seem to mind being touched all too much

 

- Around 5 months, we tried oral sex

- At first she didn't like oral sex at all

- She had previously (obviously) never given/received oral sex

- She now doesn't mind oral sex (more hesistant to give/receive than touching but once we start, she loves receiving and doesn't mind giving either)

- Overall, we typically have oral sex 2/3 of the nights I'm visiting her

 

- We tried anal sex a few times over this past winter but she didn't like it at all

- Despite me going slow, we stopped anal sex because it hurt her too much, which I understand completely

 

- We started having sex 5 months ago

- We were previously both virgins prior to having sex w/each other

- At first it was missionary, but she didn't get any enjoyment out of it

- We switched to girl on top but really didn't make a difference

- Now it's strictly girl on top, nothing else

- Whenever I ask her to have sex, she always gives my an ugly look

- If she agrees to, I'll usually hear comments (while in the act) of "just hurry up already"

- On average, we had sex 1-2 weekends a month, typically once per weekend...about 10-12 times total

 

- Also, I had noticed that the one time we had sex twice in a weekend, she was REALLY swollen and was in alot of pain. Do you think she's allergic to the condom?

 

So, a week ago we had an argument involving this topic. I wanted to try a new position and she allowed me (but then got very mad at me for carrying through). I basically pointed out that sex for us has gotten to the point of complete and total frustration (for me). I'm sure it's frustrating her, though probably in a different way. It's literally as though I'd be better off not doing it at all with her, because I feel completely depressed afterward. She kinda hinted once that sometimes she feels guilty about it...but really has only mentioned that once...at the very beginning (in February). The worst part is, we really do get along and she also hinted (prior to our argument) that the chance of her marring me (if I proposed) is about 95% yes. Despite how much I love her, I'm not going to do something like that given the current circumstances...nor do I feel the timing is right either...

 

After the argument and me telling her that sex between us is completely frustrating, she switched to now questioning our entire relationship. She came to the conclusion (after about 5 days) that we need to stop having sex until a milestone in our relationship (engagement) and in return, we'll do oral sex more often. Once (if) engaged, we'll have sex. Again, another hint at engagement?

 

Just curious if anyone has ever gone through this. I don't need sex for our relationship to survive now, but I know in the end that **if** we get married, it would drive me to the point of total insanity (more of the begging part than actual not getting any). Plus, the thing that gets me about this situation is her attitude against trying different positions. I just don't understand it. And given her current hatred for sex, I'm not sure she'll ever agree to 2-3 times per week (isn't that the average?). And I know she'd never agree to my wish (about 5 times per week).

 

I hate to end what we have because of something like this...but what choice do I have? Is she "normal" or am I? Thoughts?

[ayekasong]

No, it is not "normal" to hate sex, but there are people who do not find sex as enjoyable as others. For some, it is quite painful.

 

She could be allergic to the condom. If she has a latex allergy, this could be the cause of the swelling and pain. I do not have an allergy to latex, but I have experienced pain when we used condoms that contained spermicide. It may be a good idea to try changing the type of condom you are using.

 

Another thing is that some women do have conditions that make sex painful. One condition I know of is Vaginismus (not sure of the spelling) and it is a condition that some of our own members experience. A trip to the doctor may help determine if she does have a condition making it painful, but unfortunately I think I was reading that some doctors brush off this type of problem.

[zccr3279]

Would that condition only flare up after sex (and then die off in a couple days)? I'm not gigantic, but fairly wide and no joke, that weekend having sex twice, it took us about 5 minutes to get inside of her and it was squeeze to say the least.

 

In the past, we talked about my hate for condoms and I asked about alternative methods. She told me that she cannot take most contraceptives (pill, etc) because she has a condition with something in her blood. so, maybe she's allergic and wants the commitment so we can ditch the condom?

 

I'll be honest when I say that I do absolutely hate condoms...but there's still alot of uncertainty in what the future may be like and whether or not she'd enjoy sex more...

[DN]

If you fall for "engaged/marry me and you will get sex" then you will be sorely disappointed. This situation will only get worse. Your best bet is to accept that she doesn't like sex and move on to someone who does.

[ayekasong]

Really, the only way to know for sure if she has that condition is to get checked by a doctor. I don't know much about it, only that it makes sex painful.

 

And yes, DN is very right in that you will not get more sex when you get engaged/married. On a good week, my husband and I have sex twice. We are usually too tired/busy for it (and we're both ok with this).

[arcadefire]

I think it's rather selfish of her to not compromise with any other positions, and then to indirectly force you into marrying her. If sex is indeed painful for her, then she should speak to her gynecologist. As for the marrying issue, that's not going to resolve the frustration and resentment that would build if this continues.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Has your girlfriend ever been raped or sexually abused?

[WockaWocka]

^^ I agree with DN -- the fact that she uses denial of sex as a weapon (to pressure you to propose) portends poorly for the relationship. After all, if her strategy is successful, imagine the ways in which she will withhold sex to get her way you after you're married.

 

You might ask about sexual abuse, as CarnelianButterfly suggests.

 

A few other ideas to try before calling it quits:

* use non-latex condoms (one FDA-approved brand is "Skyn")

* use water-based lube

* you say you "ask" for sex; try to seduce her nonverbally instead ;-)

* give her some oral/manual attention

* she may prefer being on top because she can't orgasm without clitoral stimulation (some women have this problem). You might also try a ring (like "screaming o") that would allow you to experiment with other positions whilst still giving her this stimulation.

 

If the above doesn't work and she's not willing to go see a doctor about this then she's probably not a keeper. (sorry to say) You deserve to find someone who loves sex just as much as you do.

[corrin]

Run, very fast.

[Cognitive_Canine]

She will never change. Do not, at all, think that an engagement will change anything. Once you are married, it will most likely get worse. She is using sex as a weapon to get what she wants.

[doityourself]

Run, very fast.

 

oh I agree, how scary to think if shes this way about this, what makes you think she wont be this way with other things in life.

[april15]

Making people do things by withholding something they enjoy is not healthy IMO. I think I have to agree with several people's opinions, Run Forest Run.

[brueges]

You're not compatible. What does she even do for you? There are better women out there for you. Probably time to move on.

[zccr3279]

I'm a very analytical person when it comes to making decisions, and I would never marry just for sex...ever...

 

To my knowledge she's never been abused or raped or anything...aside from being "inappropriately touched" by that 1st grade boy many years ago. I'd guess that she just hates and I am very sure she'd never change enough to make a difference.

 

I just want thank the forum for some opinions...they were pretty much spot to what I was thinking.

[Foxfire21]

Wow, reading this thread made me realize how crocked my thoughts of sex and were when I first Joined here. And I just realized what others were trying to tell me to.

 

This woman is being Selfish, and the fact that she's hold off sex to get married doesn't sound like love at all...it all sounds forced.

 

Just Leave her and Find someone else who has the same views as you.

[KG]

Lovemaking is one of the things that holds a relationship together. To withold it means something is wrong.

[Minx2012]

To me, it sounds like she was psychologically scarred by something in the past to hate sex. It's not really a " normal " thing. Yes, there are people who become less interested in it as time goes on with their boyfriend....or people don't have high sex drives...but to actually DETEST sex and have underlying comments like " Hurry up already " is not normal. She sounds almost hateful when she is doing it...and the riding on top sounds like some sort of " control " issue, as in " Yes, I want to do this my way and get it over and done with ". If you guys are seeing a counsellor for it, then I guess you are in the right path, but this might just be the end of the relationship if you two cannot get it together in that dept. I hate to say it, but sex is very important in a relationship....anyone who says that it isn't, is not having as much sex in their own relationships.

[ur02111222]

Sounds like it could be a whole slew of things.

 

1. Your two aren't sexually compatible.

2. She isn't very sexual. Do you know if she masturbates?

3. She has some underlying physical issue that makes sex uncomfortable. You said it took 5 minutes for you to penetrate her. That sounds extremely painful. I know I would not want to have sex if it were that difficult to be penetrated. Was she too dry? Did you try using lube? Is she just really really tight? Has she seen a gynecologist

4. She's allergic to latex. This is an easy fix. Get non-latex condoms. And the blood disorder she has may be Factor 5. If it is Factor 5, she could still use the "mini-pill" which is a progestin-based birth control.

5. There's an underlying non-physical issue, in which case, I doubt anything will change.

 

 

If your sex life doesn't improve, do not think of marrying this girl. She shouldn't hold that over your head.