I really need some advice on my relationship

[perkyperky]

I have a very bad relationship with my boyfriend. We fight a lot and I cry every day. It sounds odd, but we do also get along. This current fight was about me asking to go on a date one night a week (we have never done this and I thought it might help our relationship) were met with:

 

"If I had known that there would be this much conflict in what we wanted to do with our free time I never would have got into this relationship"

 

"If I had known how much you would complain to me I never would have got in this relationship"

 

He then mentioned that he does make effort and had bought tickets to a concert a year ago. I did not go because we had been having a massive argument and I had been crying for hours and I looked very bad. Of that concert he just told me 'they are my favorite band" and "I had a brilliant time at that concert and it didn’t matter to me one bit that you weren’t there". – reiterated several times. I know that a lot of bad things can be said in an argument and I am not innocent and I say bad things too. But something about these comments really upset me. I asked him one hour later if he stood by these and he said yes. Please, does anyone else have a perspective on these comments? I am not asking people to take sides.

[DN]

Both of you need better communication skills in resolving conflicts than by fighting. You can look up online strategies to do this or you could seek couple's counseling.

[bearskittie]

DN is right try to communicate better with each other this will cause less arguments.

[perkyperky]

Both of you need better communication skills in resolving conflicts than by fighting. You can look up online strategies to do this or you could seek couple's counseling.

Many thanks for the reply. Of course - you are right.

[agent1607307371]

Is this

but we do also get along.

 

really worth more than

I have a very bad relationship with my boyfriend. We fight a lot and I cry every day

 

I don't think I could get along with someone enough to make up for me crying every day.

[perkyperky]

Is this

 

really worth more than

 

I don't think I could get along with someone enough to make up for me crying every day.

I suppose that is what I am trying to work out. I don't think I have the strength to leave.

[agent1607307371]

I don't think I have the strength to leave.

 

But you have it to fight and cry every day?

 

Relationships take work. Communicating can only happen when both people are on side and want to fix things. Do you have many things (hobbies, interests ect) in common? Or is the thing that unites you just that you are dating?

[perkyperky]

But you have it to fight and cry every day?

 

Relationships take work. Communicating can only happen when both people are on side and want to fix things. Do you have many things (hobbies, interests ect) in common? Or is the thing that unites you just that you are dating?

I think the thing that unites us is we have many hobbies in common. We both like outdoors activities. My issues comes from the lack of more romantic hanging out - like going out to dinner. We share a house and he has moved from overseas to be with me. It is complicated to end it. The fighting and crying is exhausting. In a way I have become used to it, but my work is suffering too. I spend a lot of my time being very pre-occupied.

[DN]

Is the reason not to leave him one of logistical difficulties or because you love him and want to make things better?

[perkyperky]

Is the reason not to leave him one of logistical difficulties or because you love him and want to make things better?

I don't know. When we argue and he laughs out loud when I burst into tears at one of his particularly unkind comments. I hate him. I think he is cruel and unforgivable. I feel desperate and wish he would fall off the face of the earth. But, I still don't want to split up! I was recently away with a group of people on a work trip for a week and had such a lovely time. During that time I thought life would be better if I split up with him.

 

I would like to make things better. I really would. But, classically, for a bad relationship I think the problem lies with him. I keep waiting and waiting for him to change.

[bearskittie]

then if he laughs at you when you are upset why are you still with him i think you need to split up other wise he is just going to keep putting you down and upsetting you.

[perkyperky]

then if he laughs at you when you are upset why are you still with him i think you need to split up other wise he is just going to keep putting you down and upsetting you.

Maybe I think I can't do better. Maybe I would miss him if he weren't here. Maybe I don't want to be alone.

[DN]

I don't know. When we argue and he laughs out loud when I burst into tears at one of his particularly unkind comments. I hate him. I think he is cruel and unforgivable. I feel desperate and wish he would fall off the face of the earth. But, I still don't want to split up! I was recently away with a group of people on a work trip for a week and had such a lovely time. During that time I thought life would be better if I split up with him.

 

I would like to make things better. I really would. But, classically, for a bad relationship I think the problem lies with him. I keep waiting and waiting for him to change.

Well, he won't if you keep waiting.

 

But you still haven't said you love him and that is a very telling omission.

[perkyperky]

Well, he won't if you keep waiting.

 

But you still haven't said you love him and that is a very telling omission.

I don't know if I love him. I have at one point, but he has been so hurtful to me it is hard to say.

[bearskittie]

then dont stay if you dont love him and dont just stay because you have been together awhile.

[savignon]

I don't know. When we argue and he laughs out loud when I burst into tears at one of his particularly unkind comments. I hate him. I think he is cruel and unforgivable. I feel desperate and wish he would fall off the face of the earth. But, I still don't want to split up! I was recently away with a group of people on a work trip for a week and had such a lovely time. During that time I thought life would be better if I split up with him.

 

I would like to make things better. I really would. But, classically, for a bad relationship I think the problem lies with him. I keep waiting and waiting for him to change.

 

My jaw dropped when I read what you have to say about him....cruel and unforgiveable? That's how you describe your boyfriend? The problem does not "lie with him"...waiting for him to change and spending all your free time crying and getting distracted from life is something *you* have to work on. The fact that you follow "I wish he would fall off the face of the earth" with "I don't want to split up!" suggests a problem that is yours and not his. While he has many of his own issues, you are not exempt from responsibility in this unhealthy relationship.

[agent1607307371]

I keep waiting and waiting for him to change.

 

Get ready for a long and miserable life then.

 

 

You have just as much agency in this as him, and if you would rather make yourself miserable in the long term by staying with someone you call "cruel" than make yourself temporarily uncomfortable by leaving...

[perkyperky]

My jaw dropped when I read what you have to say about him....cruel and unforgiveable? That's how you describe your boyfriend? The problem does not "lie with him"...waiting for him to change and spending all your free time crying and getting distracted from life is something *you* have to work on. The fact that you follow "I wish he would fall off the face of the earth" with "I don't want to split up!" suggests a problem that is yours and not his. While he has many of his own issues, you are not exempt from responsibility in this unhealthy relationship.

Thanks for your reply. You're right. There are always 2 people that are making a relationship either good or bad. But yes, he is incredibly cruel sometimes and it makes me cry and my work suffer. I don't really know how that is my problem. Ultimately, my problem may lie with staying with a man who can be so unkind. I would interested in why you think it might be my problem. I am willing to accept that it might!

[savignon]

Thanks for your reply. You're right. There are always 2 people that are making a relationship either good or bad. But yes, he is incredibly cruel sometimes and it makes me cry and my work suffer. I don't really know how that is my problem. Ultimately, my problem may lie with staying with a man who can be so unkind. I would interested in why you think it might be my problem. I am willing to accept that it might!

 

That's exactly right. Imagine you spent a lifetime with him and were speaking at his funeral..."He was always cruel. His words were unforgiveable. I spent most our time together crying while he laughed at me and missed out on the joys of my day to day life as I was so distracted by my pain. I hated him. But I just didn't want to be alone". You look equally as foolish for staying with him as he does for treating you that way in my opinion.

 

It's your life, my friend, but really......

[perkyperky]

That's exactly right. Imagine you spent a lifetime with him and were speaking at his funeral..."He was always cruel. His words were unforgiveable. I spent most our time together crying while he laughed at me and missed out on the joys of my day to day life as I was so distracted by my pain. I hated him. But I just didn't want to be alone". You look equally as foolish for staying with him as he does for treating you that way in my opinion.

 

It's your life, my friend, but really......

He is not always cruel and I don't hate him. It is sometimes. No-one is perfect, but how much do I put up with? What is normal? All couples argue.

[lostnscared]

I personally would not be in a relationship where we always fought and where I found myself upset everyday. I know a couple in that type of relationship and over the years things just got worse, they had kids, got married and now their anger, frustration and miscommunication has a created a very unhealthy marriage and unhealthy atmosphere for their children. She stopped crying a while ago, now she curses him out. Her sadness turned to bitterness and hatred..

Of course you'll argue when you're in a relationship, and of course you'll say things in the heat of the moment. However for the most part, you should be able to communication, resolve issues, and you both should be sympathetic and understanding of one another. In my relationship with my ex, we barely fought, but when we did it always "big"--and often resulted in us having to give each other space, and whatnot. But even when angry words were said, we often apologized, spoke about how we felt after we cooled off, and if I EVER cried (didn't cry very much--things hardly got that extreme), he would comfort me, and hold me. Not laugh at me. We never had hatred for each other...

The fact that you have the extreme dislike for him, makes me think you should probably not be with him...

[Applewhite]

I was the 'fruit' of such a marriage which was filled with hate and contempt and anger. Mostly fueled by my father towards my mother and then the rest of us. It was not fun. Sadly now looking at things from a distance, I pitty my mother for staying with him. I didn't realize how bad things were while in it. Just as you wonder if this amount of 'disagreement' is 'normal'. It is hard to evaluate it objectively when you are in it.

[perkyperky]

Thank you for your comments. He NEVER comforts me when I cry. I can be crying and he will be watching television, or will go for a run. I cry myself to sleep often. He simply turns his back on me.

 

I really don't know how to deal with this relationship. I don't always like it, but I can't leave it. But, I only have one life and so one chance. I sometimes sit and wonder what a 70 year old me would say to myself right now.

 

I am unhappy and so is he. I don't know how to end it. I bet I can't. I will be another sad tale of someone who stayed in a relationship that they couldn't bring themselves to leave. Don't worry though - there are no kids involved. He doesn't want any and he won't work so we would never have the finances to have kids anyway.

[lostnscared]

He doesn't work?

 

Honestly--he sounds like a loser. He berates you, is inconsiderate of your feelings, doesn't work, and doesn't seem to "care" overall about communication.

I don't know what's keeping you in this relationship but it's very sad. Things are not going to get better--because like many people in your situation, over time things simply get worse NOT better. My friend, my VERY best friend, was like you three years ago. Now three kids later, at 24, she is miserable, full of hatred and bitterness, and though most of the time she doesn't like him, she cannot and does not want to leave him. Meanwhile her kids will grow up in an unhappy home, she'll continue to feel limited and angry in this relationship, and he'll get to continue being a jack**** with no real consequences.

If you don't want to be "that girl", then you need to muster up whatever dignity, and strength you have as an intelligent WOMEN and leave. Leave, don't look back. And keep going.

This man has nothing to offer you but tears, no job, and frustration. You can get much better even just being on your own.

If you *really* feel you can't leave(and you want to leave) then maybe seeking a therapist and getting support will help you make that move.

[_Asti_]

I think the whole 'no one is perfect' line DOES NOT apply to this situation. When I hear that, I think ok he leaves socks on the floor, and sometimes forgets to put the milk back in the fridge...piddly little things...because sure..no one is perfect.

 

What he's doing to is, is absurd. He's abusing you to a certain extent, and treating you poorly. That doesn't come from him not being perfect.

 

The words you used to describe him are shocking, and makes me question why one would EVER want to remain with someone who treats them that way.

 

If you can't leave, get some professional help to realize how unhealthy and wrong this relationship is, and to build up proper self esteem and self respect to leave this man behind.