What do you do when you fear you'll never find anyone?

[locolady]

Tips and advice would be much appreciated. At times I feel overwhelmed by the fear that i'll be alone forever. I know it's a waste of life being sad when I can't control it but I am terrified I'll never find anyone, get married or have children.

 

A lot of my friends are getting engaged or married at the moment and the first round of hen dos and weddings when I'm one of the very few singles left is tough.

 

What do you guys do to reassure yourselves?

 

I'm lonely and it's hard to watch such love and happiness happening to my friends no matter how glad I am for them.

 

I swing at the moment between thinking I should just take off, move abroad for a few years, skip out of this time where everyone else is growing up and moving on (something I'd love to do but I can't by myself - can't have a quiet night in once a week on your own and can't stop going out or you'll never meet anyone!) But I'm scared that if I go abroad, I'll only be doing it to get away and give myself an excuse for not having a boyfriend and it will be worse when I come back, older and still alone.

 

Should I just wait it out and continue to build my life here even when others are moving in together, getting married etc and my once close-knit friendship group is falling apart?

 

Or, should I make a big change and do the things they can't/won't because they're choosing the path of marriage etc now? I do want to work abroad and travel some more but I'd like to do it with someone ideally. Is it stupid to wait for that someone who might never arrive? Yet equally, if I met someone and fell in love, I'd be happy here so should stick around and put on a brave face?

[Sparkly Eyes]

You can still meet that man if you travel abroad. You might stay here and try to settle down but still find yourself older and single! Get out and enjoy life while you can.

 

Also, I wouldn't get too worked up over what your friends have. One of my friends is in her mid thirties and never married and like you, most of her friends are married with kids. Just last year, 5 of them got divorced and now again are single and looking.

[marshmlofluff]

I swing at the moment between thinking I should just take off, move abroad for a few years, skip out of this time where everyone else is growing up and moving on (something I'd love to do but I can't by myself - can't have a quiet night in once a week on your own and can't stop going out or you'll never meet anyone!) But I'm scared that if I go abroad, I'll only be doing it to get away and give myself an excuse for not having a boyfriend and it will be worse when I come back, older and still alone.

 

At 26 you are still quite young, and I'd say you shouldn't feel too worried. But if you feel that going abroad might prevent you from meeting someone, maybe your wanderlust might be satisfied by a summer or one or two years abroad instead of several? Or travel? Organized group tours or maybe cruises can be a great way to meet people. Maybe you can find a happy medium somewhere between going off and doing your own thing for a few years, and staying home in the hope that love finds you. Shorter term things are also good ways to test the waters and see whether you might actually like living abroad, without making a huge investment.

 

Everybody gives advice that is biased by his or her own life. So let me explain my own background: From 21-30 I focused on my career. I did a PhD/postdoc/became a professor, largely at the expense of my personal life. At the end of it, I found myself 30 and single in an extremely, extremely rural area. Being a professor was...okay, but in retrospect I question whether it was really worth the personal sacrifices I had made to get there. In the end, I may well have to resign the job and move anyway in order to make sure that the rest of my life works out.

 

I don't regret pursuing my career dreams; I just regret doing so 100% at the expense of the rest of my life. The dream of meeting someone and having a family is as important to me, and actually much much more. I am glad I realized my error in time (hopefully) to correct it. (Yes, I have often had the same fears you do.)

 

So for whatever my advice is worth, I would say that whatever you do--whether you go abroad and try to meet people, stay home, or do something in between, keep *all* of your ultimate life goals in mind, and don't totally neglect any long-term ones for the short-term ones. As a feminist, it galls me to say this, but the biological clock is immutable, and it does not stop for one's career goals or travel plans. So don't fight that or be afraid of it, just recognize that it will matter in say five years. I wonder if part of what held me back was actually a fear of relationships--you describe going abroad as a way of avoiding having to face being single--that makes me wonder if maybe I did the same with my career. I should have just jumped in...the problem is that while you are avoiding the thing you are afraid of, years tend to creep up on you.

 

As I said, you are still very young; in my (academic/professional) circles few women marry until 30. So not to worry at all.

 

*hugs*

[nutbrownhare]

I can understand why you'd feel your single status very keenly, especially when all your friends seem to be getting married.

 

However, whenever I start thinking that I'm past it, that my chances are all gone, all that ... I remind myself of a family celebration I went to with my then partner, about 20 years ago. His grandfather was late, because he'd had to make a great detour to pick up his new girlfriend. Grandad was 87, his girlfriend was 85.

 

If having a family is a priority for you, then obviously you haven't got quite that luxury of time. However, you do have the best part of 20 years ... there's no need to rush! Or, come to that, no need to despair!

[gixxerdude]

My dad traveled abroad to England on a whim in the early 80's..he met my mother there (guildford in surrey..?? i think) when he stopped on the side of the road to help her in a broken down car, they came back to the states, got married and had my brother and I.. all because of some random decision my dad made to go travel abroad for no reason..

 

I guess the point is you can find love anywhere..down the street or thousands of miles away in another country.

 

you can wait there and hope to find it, or travel abroad and hope to find it. I guess there really is no right answer. I wouldn't leave tho just because your friends are changing aspects of their lives and getting married. Some people get married at 18..or 40....no use trying to force something to happen just because your friends are doing this or that.

[randomgirl59]

I know a lot of people who are getting engaged yet I cant even find a boyfriend

 

Basically I try to focus on my art and other life goals. While I do hope that I find someone, I very much realize what the reality of these situations are. Being fulfilled in life, having lots of hobbies and interests, as well as friends helps to alleviate the pain of not having someone. If you have the means to travel, take advantage of that! I wish I could. In order to meet someone, I'd throw yourself out there as much as possible, but dont focus too much on it or you may appear desperate. The key is to have other stuff going on in your life that keeps you occupied and happy, regardless if you're looking or not

[ellandroader]

I know how this felt before and my attitude was to just make myself the best person I could be and enrich my life as much as possible. I couldn't even get a girl to look at me, let alone date and it remained that way up until a couple of years ago. But I went out, aimed to achieve my goals and ended up going abroad to do so (living here in the US now). Going abroad isn't the simple answer to everything but meeting new people and sampling new aspects of life is key to refining your own characteristics and broadening your horizons. It is here that I met my current girlfriend, who apparently liked me ever since she first saw me months before and there was me thinking I was repulsive to women and that I would never find anyone!

 

There is somebody out there. I guess the key is to become happy with yourself and what you are doing, focusing on everything else.

[Stay_home]

Like many great things that happen to us in life, great things take time to develop. Nothing worth having ever came easy and it never will. There are times that I do feel hopeless and that I will never meet the right one for me. Because it seems like no matter what I do it's never good enough. Although, I haven't given up just yet, there is the sad part of reality that I could end up being alone. I don't like the way that sounds, but if I had to live by myself for the rest of my days I may not like it but I'd make the best out of it. Nobody wants to be alone, but I also know that not everybody is going to find 'that one.' That could take a lifetime and none of us are guaranteed or promised anything. That's from a realist point of view, because it's true. I know good wholesome men and women out there that just never married or never found someone that could engage them. That's not always a reflection upon you; people tend to think that if you don't have anybody there's some kind of defiency within you that's scaring folk away. Well we all fall short, we all have defiencies and weaknesses. But not having anybody in your life doesn't make you weak, loveless or inadequate.

 

I see a lot of relationships. No, actually, I see a lot of people trying to convince themselves of something. Their relationship or their marriage is depicted as something like out of a movie. Behind closed doors at home, it's nothing like what you saw earlier in the day. That's not real, you shouldn't follow that. No relationship is better than a bad one, remember that. You're talking to a guy who's been on both sides of the fence, so I know what's it like.

 

I tend to meet a fair share of women every now and then, can't say I meet the most dynamic, but I do meet women. Thing is, I stick to my guns and I don't change em for nobody, right. If they're not right in the head, they go, I cut em off. I'm not going to waste my time taking care of someone elses problem, I do enough of that four or five days a week. Now, that lifestyle has somewhat served me well and somewhat crippled my social life as well but I accept that. I like to live a certain kind of lifestyle that just doesn't coincide with a lot of effin' crap. So I don't have a lot of friends or people that I'm very tight with. On the outside, women see that as perhaps a bomb but I'm far from that. I think I'm a really solid guy, talented, handsome, somewhat shy sometimes, but not all the time and I'd make a fine gentleman of a husband someday. If not and it doesn't ever happen, then I'd still be the gentleman. It took me a while to accept

 

I say that to say: As long as you know that you're doing good for yourself and that you have the right attitude and mindset you're going to always have an opportunity. Don't wait for that special guy to show up, because he may not ever come. Then you've spent so many years morphing and shaping your life around something that may never come to you. It's a harsh reality and I know that's probably the exact opposite of what you'd like to hear on this thread, but I'm only being real with you. If you are going to get into something with someone, at least make it worth you while. Don't be like some of these other kats and just get involved just for the status. Bad tires go bald faster. So get yourself some good ones so that you can roll a lot longer.

[Aaliyah]

Honey everybody has seasons and periods for different things. Maybe now is not the time for you to be in a relationship for whatever reason. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of things that you can work on for the time being. If you're feeling lonely, don't be afraid to go out and make some friends, take on a new hobby & live life. The right man will come in time