I Used to Be One of You.

[Lavender25]

I haven't been to this forum in... well I can't even remember how long. But a sudden case of insomnia has me wandering around the world wide web and I decided to see what was going on here.

 

About a year ago, I came to this site several times a day. Sometimes all day. Coming here was the only thing I could think about. It seemed to be the only thing that eased the pain. I NEEDED advice. I NEEDED to know how to get my ex back and FAST. I didn't understand how our perfect life could fall apart without me noticing. I didn't understand why our 7+ year relationship wasn't worth it to him anymore. I had to make it right again.

 

I did NC. I read the magic of making up. I did the dozens of online searches for "how to get my ex back." I went into counseling. I tried everything. And then, unexpectedly, two months after our relationship ended my ex entered into a relationship with a friend that I used to work with. OUCH. That was back in October. From the moment I found out I went COMPLETELY NC (blocked everything, deleted phone numbers, etc.) and I haven't seen or spoken to him since (although, the new gf has tried to contact me/come into my place of employment but THAT is a different story).

 

It was painful. I couldn't believe that I was basically severing a friendship/relationship that I'd had since I was 14. I hoped he'd snap out of it like all of the other times. I hoped that he would listen to his friends when they said that he was making a mistake. I hoped that his new relationship was just a rebound and wouldn't last, but they moved in together after only dating for 6 months and it's been about 9 months now. But at some point, I came to realize that I couldn't think about him and what he was doing and how he was making the "biggest mistake of his life." I had to do what was best for me and that was to get on with MY life and not waste it waiting around for someone that I'd given several undeserved chances to.

 

I don't know when it finally hit me. I don't know if it was something that someone said or anything, but I do remember having this vision: I thought about what it would be like if we got back together. And got married. And had kids. And then I thought about telling our daughter our love story and I realized that it would go something like this, "Honey, your father and I were high school sweethearts but he broke up with me several times and cheated on me once in college with a girl that I used to be friends with and he always put himself before me and never really appreciated what I did for him, etc." That is not what a love story should be like. I deserve one better than that.

 

I've dated around. I was in a short lived relationship with someone that I currently look back on and think "rebound." I went through a destructive phase that included lots of partying, drinking and a one night stand. I pretty much did everything that everyone told me not to do But all of that faded at some point and I dusted myself off and got it together again. I'm still single, although there is a love interest that has appeared recently. The jury is still out on how that will turn out. But even if it doesn't work out I'll be OK with it because being single is OK too.

 

On the one-year anniversary of our break up I thought I would feel that pain again. I thought I would relive the entire thing and wouldn't be able to get up out of bed in the morning. But that isn't what happened. It was just like any other day. I got up, went to work, came home and went to bed and nothing bad happened.

 

I know that all of you are hurting. And you will hurt for a while. I know you're going to hate me when I tell you that it takes time (I despised everyone that told me that). But it really does take time and it really does get better. You might get back together... but you probably won't. Go ahead. Call me a pessimist. But sit back and think for a second: Do you really want to be with someone that looked at you and all of your fabulousness and said that they didn't want you anymore? Because I promise you, you are so much better than that. I finally realized that I was and that this was the best thing that has happened to me, because now I am free to find the person that will look at me and all of my fabulousness and say "I want you and I don't ever want to let you go."

[kelly155]

Thanks for posting. I'm so glad that things are better for you! You are so right, when my break up was fresh everyone said to give it time and I hated hearing that when I was hurting. My ex moved on to the next girl quickly too! It's been 5 months now and I'm doing way better than I thought I would be!

 

Life seriously goes on.....

[sunday2010]

Oh my god thankyou so much for this.2 months out... now long way to go i guess.I have dated but its not getting me anywhere.and of course hes moved on with some girl.What ajoke.he was an evil man.

 

but thanks fo rthe advice,I hope I will be back in a year too saying the same thing to others

[iBroken]

I don't know when it finally hit me. I don't know if it was something that someone said or anything, but I do remember having this vision: I thought about what it would be like if we got back together. And got married. And had kids. And then I thought about telling our daughter our love story and I realized that it would go something like this, "Honey, your father and I were high school sweethearts but he broke up with me several times and cheated on me once in college with a girl that I used to be friends with and he always put himself before me and never really appreciated what I did for him, etc."

 

Wow - repped for this eye opening statement.

 

I used to think our story of how we met and came to be was cute and almost fate likw. But now, it doesn't sound as appealing when I add then she cheated on me, I took her back, she cheated on me again, I took her back, then she broke up with me again, slept with someone 48 hours later, we got back together months later only to have her break up with me again.

 

Thanks for this inspiring post.

[Stay_home]

Part of what helps me deal with the everyday hustle and bussle of life is that I live in the middle. I never get too high or too low about anything. I stay neutral, stay relaxed and try not to ever get too excited. It may not be the best thing on the market, but it works for me. Because I don't like to be disappointed and I don't like a lot of stress, I decided to live this way.

[jenny_mcs]

Oops, mis-read, sorry!

[ElleB]

This is inspirational.... I would love to be at the strong stage where you are now. Time.... it is the healer, this I know, but it seems to be taking forever. It's hard letting go...

I'm glad you're in a good place now x

[scheme00]

Part of what helps me deal with the everyday hustle and bussle of life is that I live in the middle. I never get too high or too low about anything. I stay neutral, stay relaxed and try not to ever get too excited. It may not be the best thing on the market, but it works for me. Because I don't like to be disappointed and I don't like a lot of stress, I decided to live this way.

 

Your EGO is where it should be. Your not codependent. This is where i want to get my friend.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

thank you so much for this post. it's great to hear how well you're doing!

[ramsickle1369]

I am free to find the person that will look at me and all of my fabulousness and say "I want you and I don't ever want to let you go."

 

I want that person, too. Just once in my life for a guy to see me and all my awesomeness and actually DO EVERYTHING to keep me. So far, nothing like that has happened for me. Not even close.

 

I'm glad you had your ah-ha moment. I've had several. But I end up back here time and time again. No one compares. (THANKFULLY!) But there's also no one decent out there. So I told myself this week, no men. No dating sites. I'll just check out for this week--just this week. I really don't care if I find "the one" but this week, I'm intentionally not talking to them. I'm too busy for their CRAP! ;-)

 

Thanks for posting. It's nice to see someone on the other side...

[TSandullo]

Well done Lavender25, tomorrow will be my 6 month mark after BU.

Though I have residual feelings, I have gone a long long way and hope to do so.

Yes, time is what is needed.

 

TS