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She's Gone; Why do I Still Care?

don Lugo

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It was almost eight weeks ago: My four-year girlfriend walked through the door after work and said, "I don't feel the same way about you that I used to. I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Since that moment I just haven't been myself.


We met when I was single and loving it. She was attracted me and made a pass at me. We hit it off and started dating. We were both opinionated and blunt and goofy. We laughed at a lot of the same things and she was taken by my ability to be fun and cool and still be mature and motivated. She couldn't take just dating any more and cried on my couch that she loved me and wished I felt the same. I did, and after a few days of thought I told her so. She was 19 and I was 23.


This really seems to be a case where I did nothing wrong. She has been very depressed about not finding a "perfect job" while I've been settling into a career I love. I've often told her that finding what you love to do isn't easy and I would always love and support her no matter what life throws at her. Often times she would ask, "Why do you love me so much?" She said I deserved someone better, someone who "wasn't a burden on me." Her feeling is that she isn't successful enough for me, I guess. She could always expect to come home to a fresh dinner, a foot rub, and all her favorite programs recorded.


She plans to leave California for Iowa, to live with a girlfriend who moved there years ago. She says she needs to do something different. The last time I saw her after the break-up she came by to watch The Blind Side and it was almost as if she still had those feelings for me. Her eyes were fixed on me, her smile beaming. She hugged me often, squeezed my hand and rubbed my thigh. She cried as she told me she considers me one of her best friends and she hates to think she's hurting me.


I haven't been locking myself away crying about this. I have been talking to girls and dating. Yet I still think about her. There's been no contact in over a month. She's suggested hanging out and having a drink with me before she leaves. My friends think I should decline. I don't even know if she's serious. I've told her how I feel and why I love her. It's tough thinking about letting such a wonderful person go. I keep wanting to think I could have just done something differently. I still want to go have that drink. Any advice and opinions are greatly appreciated.

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Something is missing for me. If she's clinically depressed, that's one thing. Yet I'm wondering if there is just something she's not telling you - like another guy in the picture. Anywho, I don't see the use in seeing her again. She's already friendzoned you. It might just hurt you more.

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Relationships are so much about timing, and sometimes it can be really unfortuante.


she needs to find herself, get away, figure out what she really wants, before she will be ready to commit....seems she has been struggling for some time.


I think you are doing wonderfully so far. You are still living, and it's of course only natural to feel these pangs of grief. in terms of the drink, this is one of those things where everyone...EVERYONE will tell you not to go...but you will make the decision yourself inevitably. It will be stunting both of your recoveries. You might think it will give you clarifty, but more likely it will only make things more confusing


My mom gave me some of the best advice and I always remember...


if it's true love, it will never die.


N/C works best in breaking habits. If i were you I would try not to go for drinks...say that you are not sure it's a good idea right now, but maybe one day. Maybe one day she will be a more similar place to you, and you will find yourselves together again.


good luck

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Very similar situation for me. Funny, I live in Iowa...


Except for I also know she left me for another guy, but yeah one day she came downstairs, an otherwise peachy day, and had tears in her eyes and said "I don't think I love you any more." After that, we tried for a little while and things seemed to get so much better, had great sex, seemed at the pinnacle of our relationship and she said she had no question that she loved me. Then maybe a week later left me for the other guy.


Maybe there's not, but I think there's got to be something more. I was like you - always with the support and the comfort and the back rubs, but I don't think I was really overly sweet - in fact, I know I wasn't. She made a point of that a couple of times, but she always knew when I *was* sweet, it was 100% legitimate, not just for fooling around. I was just there for her in the ways she needed. I guess maybe being a good, dependable guy that will treat you like a queen and ask for so little in return is just "boring," idk.

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First of all - What do YOU want? do you want to get back together with her or do you want to get over her?


Right now, I would love to get back together with her. We were crazy about each other for so long, then she began to say things like, "You deserve someone so much better. You deserve someone on your level. I can't afford things like you. I'm worried you're going to leave me."


I don't think there's anyone else. She's driving to Iowa this week.


Each time I assured her that I loved her as she was, for who she was, and that I'd ridden out similar struggles--some of them during our relationship--and would offer all the support I could.


Admittedly, I feel very hurt about this. Right now I want to believe that ambitious, wonderful girl is still there somewhere. Almost every person I talk with thinks she will have a moment where she realizes how much I love her. What's difficult is I don't know how I'd react when or if that day comes.

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