I can't believe what I did, I am a horrible person.

[GrowingUp]

My boyfriend had a great weekend planned for me for my birthday. He set up a bunch of stuff for us to do. All the time I am just grouchy and mean to him and he tried soooo hard. Last night I got really drunk and started yelling at him about dancing...I wanted to go dancing and he didn't so I cursed him out and acted crazy. Why? I don't know why...then he said something mean to me and I smacked his face....he smacked me back. I ran into the house and cried...then I got angry that he smaked me and I choked him and he choked me until I passed out ...I don't know how long I was out but I fainted when I woke up I was in shock.... He then left ...I haven't seem him since. When I woke up he had left a note on the table that said he was going to his friends house and that he would be back in the morning. Its 3:19 and he still isn't back and I can't find my cell phone so I have been trying to reach him over the payphone but he doesn't answer. He really tries to do the best for me and all I do is complain and be grouchy. I know I did not deserve to be choked to the point of passing out..right now I'm in shock...he never touched me like that before..he never hurt me like that. I am in shock...I am drinking a bottle of wine and I want to slit my wrists and dies but I 'm too scared to die.

[biggerheart]

You need to call friends or someone. You need to not be alone.

 

You are not in a healthy relationship. No matter what you do, and you did wrong really wrong, you should not be attacked. And, you should not attack. You can fix this. It will take time, but you can and should find someone to help you.

[pumpkinmoon]

I was in awe when reading this post.

 

This is not a healthy relationship. It was not ok for him to choke you, not ok for him to hit you and it certainly wasn't ok for you to hit him and all of this over an argument about dancing.

 

I think you both need some space to work out your issues. How long have you been together?

[GrowingUp]

The thing is is that I hit him..I don't know why I did it. He tries to treat me so good everyday and I snap at him all the time...I hurt his feeling everyday all the time. What does it mean? Does it mean I don't really love him or something? He tries to give me the world and I just am mean to him. i can't believe I smacked him...I'm in shock

[GrowingUp]

We have been together for 5 years....

[pumpkinmoon]

I think there are serious issues and you need to look at why you are behaving like this towards him every day.

 

Ok you hit him, that was wrong, but it was not ok for him to hit you back. I'm not saying what you did was right, but he should have just walked away. Has there been violence like this before?

[Speranza]

You need to get out of this toxic relationship and take some time to figure out who you are and what you want in life.

 

An educated guess as to why this happens? You've been let down in the past, maybe a parent died or left, or a boyfriend REALLY hurt you or even a much-loved grandparent suddenly wasn't there any more.

 

So you equate 'LOVE' with 'REJECTION'.

 

Therefore, deep inside you want to push and push and PUSH someone until they reject you - cos THEN you inow they love you... except derr, they've left.

 

I suspect this has happened to you several times now. The physical violence is a worrying escalation. Although I would never excuse someone for what he did, you need to accept that you too played your part here, and that it isn't healthy for you two to be together. I am not, NOT saying that what he did was ok. I am NOT saying you deserved it. But you played your part.

 

You can't get into HIS head and make him better, but you can go and get sorted yourself. Please do this for your own safety. Real, adult love has no need of making other people prove they care by sticking around even when you treat them like dirt.

 

And that's what you're doing. Treating him badly so you can 'prove' that people who love you will always treat you badly. This is a false expectation but also a self-fulfilling prophecy right now. Get help.

[GrowingUp]

He never hit me before...I can't believe he hit me..I'm in shock. There hasn't been any violence before. I dont know what to do anymore. Sometimes I look at him and I get disgusted because of all the things we have been through throughout all the years of being together. I think I love him though. I don't know if I really love him or not. Its so confusing. I just want him to come back home so we can talk but he probably is out enjoying his holiday..how could he enjoy his holiday after last night? I always try to hold back my nagging and mean behavious toward him but I can't. Is it because my past was bad with my dad. Before I didn't think much of my dad being gone and my mom always fighting with her live in boyfriend always fighting orally and physically. Did it rub off on me? Why am I always so angry?

[Speranza]

I don't know if I really love him or not.

Then you probably don't.

 

Before I didn't think much of my dad being gone and my mom always fighting with her live in boyfriend always fighting orally and physically. Did it rub off on me? Why am I always so angry?

 

Because inside you there is an angry kid who felt nobody ever listened to what SHE wanted. She just wanted all those adults to stop fighting and get on with making the world safe. And they didn't. So now she only feels things are 'normal' if she can create the same kinds of situation. If things are too sweet it unnerves her as she waits for the next crisis to hit. Much safer to provoke a fight, then the world is familiar territory.

 

Get help.

[GrowingUp]

So me and my boyfriend need to break up? I am so close to him....I'm so scared. Will I ever find a man that loves me and tries to do as much for me as he does? I doubt it...We need to break up?

[biggerheart]

You need to fix yourself. Knowing the cause is not enough. You will probably not be able to fix the issues leading to your violence alone.

 

A side note, his girlfriend suddenly got violent and he chked her out. He is most likely not enjoying his holiday. If you think he could, then you are kind of saying he is not someone worth being with. Either way you need to work on your issues.

[Speranza]

You need space - really! You might even be okay down the line but your relationship needs a reboot. I doubt you could make all the changes you need and do all the growing you need without some time apart.

 

If he is willing, you could go to couples counselling. He may be as horrified as you though. If you have never been violent before, and suddenly here you are, then it is SERIOUS. It is a sign that you are both at the absolute end of your tether.

[GrowingUp]

what do I do? just wait until he comes back...I'm so confused right now..I don't know what to do. Whenever he comes back what do I say? Does anyone here have aim or chat or something. I really need to talk to someone. I feel like a crazy person. I took a bunch of sleeping pills and I'm drinking wine to drown the pain..its not working. I'm sad that I hurt him...I shouldn't have treated him the way I do.

[Speranza]

btw do you suffer from PMS at all?

[pumpkinmoon]

What disgusts you about all the things you have been through? After 5 years and it's come to this, I think the realtionship has run it's course and I can only see it getting worse from here on. Once that line has been crossed concerning violence, it's hard to go back.

[Speranza]

If you've taken pills and drink, perhaps you could pass the time by checking into ER...?

[biggerheart]

You need to get someone to come over or go o a hospital just in case. How many pills did you take?

[orillia]

Why is no one mentioning the drinking thing here?

 

OP, I had serious problems reading your post...I am still traumatized because my ex got drunk on his birthday, and treated me very cruelly just like you treated your bf.

 

Thank God it did NOT get to the point where anyone got hit, but it COULD HAVE.

 

He was cursing at me, calling me the "C" word, throwing his car keys at me...I had to call a good friend to come over to try to calm him down. And I did NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. that he could be mad about.

 

I finally had to tell him, either STOP DRINKING, or I'm out.

 

Well, he decided alcohol was more important than me and walked. Fine-I don't need this-there is no quicker way to ruin a rel'ship than add too much alcohol to it.

 

You said you got drunk and did this...then you go on to say you were drinking a bottle of wine, I guess to deal with your grief??

 

You need to look at your drinking-you have a problem. You see, you don't need to be the type that drinks alone, or needs a drink first thing in the morning, to be an alcoholic.

 

If you experience negative consequences from your drinking, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. You lost a rel'ship because of your drinking.

 

Some people lose their jobs.

 

All these negative consequences are a warning sign that you should not ignore.

 

Not to mention, it is NEVER ok to hit or choke anyone. You have some anger issues-so did my ex.

 

I tried to convince my ex to go into counseling for his drinking and anger, and he refused. Please don't make the same mistake he did.

[orillia]

OMG I did not see this post before I wrote my reply.

 

PLEASE PM ME! I will give you my AIM--how many pills did you take--please call 9-1-1 and get some help! Alcohol and sleeping pills are a deadly combo...

 

what do I do? just wait until he comes back...I'm so confused right now..I don't know what to do. Whenever he comes back what do I say? Does anyone here have aim or chat or something. I really need to talk to someone. I feel like a crazy person. I took a bunch of sleeping pills and I'm drinking wine to drown the pain..its not working. I'm sad that I hurt him...I shouldn't have treated him the way I do.

[pumpkinmoon]

OMG I did not see this post before I wrote my reply.

 

PLEASE PM ME! I will give you my AIM--how many pills did you take--please call 9-1-1 and get some help! Alcohol and sleeping pills are a deadly combo...

 

I agree. You need to call someone immediately. How many did you take? What pills are they?

[strange_]

i know you're online, so so far you're alright. call a distress number.

 

regarding your bf and stuff, do you always instigate the drama/getting angry without a reason?

[Kinkz]

Did the poster fall asleep

[GrowingUp]

I'm sorry I just went to sit down because i feel very light heade. I always instigate fights and I'm always grouchy. I thought it was my birth control pills but honestly I don't think it is. I just want to blame it on something. i don't know whats wroing with me and him. I do love him, he is my best friend. I can tell him anything and he won't judge yet I am alway s attacking him...why?

[Cheetarah]

GrowingUp, you could have been me 7 years ago, to the T.

 

Don't waste any longer asking yourself the questions, get some help. Sometimes we need a hand and there is no shame in that.

[Kinkz]

Maybe both of you have some sort of a fetish to physically punch/smack/kick each other? Like too much lovey dovey stuff can get annoying sometimes, and all the frustration finally came out and you did what instinct told you - you smacked him. And his instinct told you to smack you back. And even though you both know its wrong, you actually liked it deep down - so he's probably gone to have a think about it.