I'm freaking out. Someone please help me.

[SpottiOtti]

Everyone on here gives great advice / perspective, and I really need it right now.

 

So my relationship is now four months old. We've said "I love you". This guy seems really into me - he wants to hang all the time, he listens to what I say, he's affectionate. And I really love things about his personality - he's funny, he's loyal, he doesn't give up easily, and pretty laid-back towards me. Doesn't check up on me or freak when I want to hang with my guy friends or go out without him, like my ex did.

 

The problem - the more emotionally invested I become, the more vulnerable I feel, and I cannot freaking handle it. I can't handle knowing that this could change, or that he may change his mind about me, or that something could happen and things won't work out. I've started overanalyzing everything. If he gives a girl a hug, I think "What if he cheats on me with her?" If he sounds weird on the phone, I think "His feelings are changing!" I know these things are unreasonable, because I've known him for a long time, and a lot of people I know also know him, and I have never heard a negative opinion of him. My friends all approve, which is important because I have learned to trust their opinions. And we just had a really good day together on Sunday. I cannot stop thinking "What if he gets to know all of me and runs away?"

 

It makes me want to push him away, to put a wall up and keep one foot out the door. This is always what I have done in the past, and it has ended up ruining the relationship in one way or another every time. I really don't want to do it again. I want things to work out. What can I do to stop this whirlwind of negativity in my head and just enjoy the relationship? Please help. Thanks for reading.

[-Sanguine-]

You have to let that wall of yours down and let him in. You need to let yourself be vulnerable. If not, he's not getting all of you and vice versa. If you want it to work, you might get hurt. Maybe coming to that realization is what you need to do first. I'm not saying you WILL get hurt (because you definitely make him sound like a wonderful guy), but maybe you need to go into it knowing there is a CHANCE you might. And you've recovered from every other time right? So you know you can survive it.

 

BUT, if you don't let yourself be vulnerable, you'll never know what could have been and if this is the guy who you were supposed to spend your life with and all that. I think if you want things to work out you just need to let go and give in to your vulnerability. I know it's hard, but if you do it with the right mindset I think you can.

 

Hope that helps, and that things work out for you

[findingmeandyou]

I admit that I feel compelled to print out your post and stick it to my fridge lol, because I'm basically in the exact same boat as you.

 

I met this wonderful girl who is basically everything I ever dreamed of, and the idea of losing that freaks the heck out of me. I've been freaking out inside alot about the same things you are.

 

I think that I also run the risk of pushing her away for the same reasons you mention. I am trying to figure this one out. I know that I need to let myself feel vulnerable - not get scared, angry, or any other irrational emotion. I just need to give all of myself and try to relax. It will either work or don't. I realize what would be horrible is if it didn't work because I overanalyzed everything and pushed her away.

 

Hang in there.

[SpottiOtti]

Thanks, D! That is encouraging. I do know that I've been through a lot and that no matter what happens I'll get through it. And you're definitely right about it not working if I don't let myself be vulnerable. Sigh. It's just so hard to let someone in all the way. How could he NOT run when he sees how messed up I am? Does everyone feel this way?

 

finding, I also am afraid of pushing him away by overanalyzing and all that. I understand how you feel.

[ycmanvs]

Being vulnerable is part of being in a relationship. If you trust him and you know that he is loyal and a good person in general, then you should try to take the risk of opening up and becoming vulnerable.

There is always the chance that things may not work out, but there is a good chance that things will work out if you do not sabotage the relationship.

[-Sanguine-]

Thanks, D! That is encouraging. I do know that I've been through a lot and that no matter what happens I'll get through it. And you're definitely right about it not working if I don't let myself be vulnerable. Sigh. It's just so hard to let someone in all the way. How could he NOT run when he sees how messed up I am? Does everyone feel this way?

 

finding, I also am afraid of pushing him away by overanalyzing and all that. I understand how you feel.

 

Everyone has their flaws. Everyone is their own version of "messed up". Maybe there are things that he is afraid of you seeing in him, as well. Actually I can guarantee that there are. But I'm sure if he's the wonderful guy you say he is, he will accept whatever it is you feel to be "messed up". Everyone is their own worst critic, right?

 

I'm willing to bet that you would do the same for him.. accept his flaws and mess ups. So don't worry too much. I've felt that way too!

[SpottiOtti]

Good point about his flaws, too. So any suggestions on how to stop myself from thinking these things about him pulling away or straying?

[findingmeandyou]

I don't know if you will find this to be helpful, but I figure I will throw some of the things I have been doing out there.

 

You need to seriously force yourself to stop thinking. Period. When you are around him, shut that off and focus on just being happy and having a good time.

 

I've also done some reading about behavior modification, and what I've learned is the key to that is to just release the feelings - write about them, talk to people. Think about the core feeling behind what you express. For example, if you get mad at your boyfriend about him staying out late with friends, realize while anger is on the surface, the core emotion is sadness and fear about what he might be doing. If for some reason, you really feel concerned, don't get angry at him, but tell him you feel scared. Set a goal about how you want to improve yourself. Think about what your days and life could be like if you let those feelings of doubt go.

 

Develop a full, rich life and keep yourself busy. For example, if you are not spending time with your boyfriend, make yourself go out and do other stuff. You can't be together all the time. This is real life, even when people get married. There's work, kids, errands, family, whatever. When you are out, focus on having a good time and don't worry about what he's doing. (I've been cheated on a few times, so this can be hard for me.)

 

Take your time to be alone and decompress. It could mean just sitting outside in the evening and unwinding by yourself. No phone calls, computer, anything. Just relax.

 

This is basically a short summary of how I've been working to improve myself. I hope you might get something out of it.

[SpottiOtti]

Thanks, finding! It does help. I am a big advocate of having your own life, so that part is covered. I do need to work on "turning off" the thoughts though. I think the core emotion of this fear of vulnerability is the fear of rejection. It's like, if he's going to find out he doesn't want me and dump me, I may as well beat him to it by numbing myself emotionally. Which is ridiculous because all of his thoughts and actions say he's not going anywhere! Ugh. I'm so screwed up from past relationships sometimes I think i should just stay away altogether.

 

Have you talked with your girl about your fear of vulnerability at all? You know us girls just LOVE it when our guys open up about emotions . . .

[findingmeandyou]

Thanks, finding! It does help. I am a big advocate of having your own life, so that part is covered. I do need to work on "turning off" the thoughts though. I think the core emotion of this fear of vulnerability is the fear of rejection. It's like, if he's going to find out he doesn't want me and dump me, I may as well beat him to it by numbing myself emotionally. Which is ridiculous because all of his thoughts and actions say he's not going anywhere! Ugh. I'm so screwed up from past relationships sometimes I think i should just stay away altogether.

 

Have you talked with your girl about your fear of vulnerability at all? You know us girls just LOVE it when our guys open up about emotions . . .

 

A little bit...I've told her basically that I am realizing that our relationship is solid and real, and that it scares me sometimes. She told me the same one time.

 

Lately, she's been spending a little bit more time with friends and a guy friend, which has been causing me to freak out a little. I know I'm a little messed up from past relationships too. My inclination is to feel worried and sometimes shut down, but I am holding on pretty well.

 

I've been thinking about telling her a bit more about my past relationships and how I feel vulnerable when she's hanging out with other guys, but I don't want to come off as weak or insecure. I feel that what I need to do is keep my mouth shut. She's never done anything to make me not trust her. Most of the time, I am invited out, so I have no reason to feel like she's hiding anything. She's very open about everything with me. I don't want to get angry over nothing and break that bond that we have.

 

I think she's just as scared as I am, but is just trying to live a full life - maybe better than me. I think what she really needs is my consistent support. She needs to know that no matter where she goes, who she is with, there's a guy that loves and trusts her unconditionally. He's not going to give her a hard time and add to the vulnerability. I realize anger is painful. A boyfriend can get mad about silly things like a girl staying late. He thinks he's showing her his love, but she feels not respected, trusted, or loved. She needs someone to nurture and love her as we both grow together. Our challenge is going to be working through that as individuals and as a couple, and I've never met anyone worth overcoming this challenge for. She is it.

[SpottiOtti]

Aww, you sound very happy and I bet things are going to work out well for you.

 

I don't know if you should keep your mouth shut or not. I think if my BF was feeling insecure about me spending time with one of my friends, I would want to know. Because I know that when you don't talk about issues, they build up and cause problems later on. If you can do it in a non-accusatory way that is geared toward solving the problem, and you feel that she would respond non-defensively and try to also solve the problem, I think you should talk to her about it.

 

I have told my BF my feelings about other things, but I'm hesitant to bring this one up because i'm scared he's going to be like, "Oh, now it's this? Jeez, does it ever stop?" I think I'm going to just focus on stamping down the negativity and fears, and not bring it up. What do you think?

[findingmeandyou]

Here's my thought:

 

Have you identified the root cause of the way you are feeling?

 

For example, in my case, it has to do with my past relationships plus my girlfriend being a little bit more independent.

 

Is there some stimulus in your relationship right now that's causing this, or is it just that you are reacting to your past solely? I would figure that out first.

 

I think you should tell him if he is doing something right now that's bothering you. If it is solely the past, I would suggest finding other ways to deal with it. I feel this way, because I would be worried about being seen as not able to deal with the emotions.

[SpottiOtti]

Hmm.. That makes sense for you. Don't want to bring the past into the present. In my case, I think it is also my past. My last boyfriend was extremely possessive and controlling, and as a result I am on red alert for smothering behavior. Thing is, my current BF is not smothering at all. He does things that normal guys would do that are into you. Sometimes I gut react because of my past with "Get away from me!" (Not that I say that, but that's how I feel.) Then I push him away and get cold. I've explained this to him. He reacts like any reasonable person would (actually, he's been more than reasonable - very understanding and I'm so lucky), and backs off. Then I worry that I pushed him away too far and that he won't come back. So when he gives me the space that I ask for, I get it into my head that he's lost interest because I'm so "messed up" (my insecurities talking there). That's when the negative thoughts come in. This will never work, it's doomed to fail, he's going to find someone else who doesn't have my baggage, etc. So I analyse every little thing until we hang out and things are normal again. Last night we hung out and things were great, so now I feel positive. The cycles are getting longer in between, and I'm trying to work on this so they stop altogether. I guess after what I went through with the last one (if you want a juicy read, check out my post in "Healing after breakup" in the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread!), this relationship was bound to be a little rocky at first.

 

Anyway, I hope your situation works out! Thanks for your advice!