Would YOU be okay with this?!

[live.laugh.luv]

I am not okay with my husband driving 7 hours with his female supervisor. Call me jealous and insecure but I am not not okay with it. I find it really inappropriate. My husband is in the Military and had to drive somewhere for training for a month.

 

The knee slapper is that this woman had the choice to go with HER FRIENDS or to go herself...but went with my husband. WITH the idea that I DIDN'T like her. If I didn't like her then, I sure as heck don't like her now!

 

They drove 7 hours alone and stopped on the way to go shopping!!! Apparently I came up in conversation. She asked him why I didn't like her. Then he told her that I was jealous and insecure. Sorry, but that is NOT okay.

 

I talked to my husband about this, I waited to do so in person. He wouldn't see eye to eye with me. He said he didn't think it was wrong. I didn't know they stopped to SHOP and then he spilled the beans when I asked him where he got his new clothes!

 

When I went to visit him, we talked about it but then it led to a fight. I went downstairs to get his things outta his car and when I came back in he was deleting his text messages. So, when he went in the shower, I snooped and his supervisor was the last call made on his history.

 

I didn't say anything about it. I don't know what to do...or what to think. I'm not okaaaaay.

[pumpkinmoon]

A lot of people will say that you are insecure or jealous and that if you trust your husband, then it shouldn't matter.

 

In a way, they are right...BUT the problem I have with interactions like this is that spending time one on one with a member of the opposite sex for that amount of time can lead to problems. Sometimes there is an emotional bond which is formed between the two, and even if most of the time this isn't intentional it still happens and can lead to either emotional or physical cheating.

 

In such cases, whether you trust or not is not the issue.

 

Him telling her that you don't like her in the first place is bad enough but to then go on to give the reasons is out of line. What you say about your feelings to him is none of her business at all. This can create a wedge between him and you and give her an opening to weedle her way in by playing the victim.

 

I also worry about those texts he was deleting and phonecalls.....

[live.laugh.luv]

THAT is exactly what I told him. I asked him what he thinks he's letting when he tells her things like this?! He just said, im crazy, that she has kids and that she's "fat" well, im sorry but that doesn't mean anything to me! She could be married with 5 kids and that still doesn't mean crap.

 

7 hours alone in a car is a long time to bond with someone. You get personal, how could you not?!

 

I guess I don't trust him and I know that isn't good.

 

I walk on eggshells and I am constantly anxious. I am constantly wondering.

 

Knowing now too, that he knows how I feel about it and that he just thinks i am crazy, hurts even more. He couldn't even see my point. It was pointless for me to mention to call and the texts...it would've been like talking to a wall...so I kept my mouth shut.

[faithful14]

I think it was totally inappropriate that your husband told this woman you didn't like her. There was no reason to tell her that at all. Besides this car ride, has your husband been acting different? Has he ever given you a reason to not trust him?

[pumpkinmoon]

Sounds like my ex to be honest. If something upset me then I was crazy, jealous, insecure...

 

And you are right, it makes no difference if she is fat or had kids! And saying that is kind of a defence to make you more comfortable that nothing will go on.

 

My ex could never understand why I got upset with certain things. It was also like talking to a brick wall. I would have got more sense out of a lemon,at least you can squeeze something out of one of those! But with me, even if something was completely innocent, and a partner of mine had a problem with it, I would stop it immediately.

 

Do these trips happen regularly? If so, how often?

 

Has he given you any reason not to trust him in the past?

[u4me]

There was a time I would have been OK with it. Not now. My ex is my ex because he left me for a woman he commuted with on a regular basis. No, never again...

[live.laugh.luv]

I just wanna clarify that it was her that asked him why I don't like her. Then HE proceeded to tell her that I am jealous and insecure.

 

Well, he is in the Military and preparing for deployment in July. He was gone a month on the boat and then was home for two weeks and then left again for another month. He won't be home for another week or so.

 

It's exhausting. This is his direct supervisor so there is nothing that I can do about it. He is going to be spending the next year with her, in close quarters on the boat and I have no control. It makes me sick : /

 

I just think as HIS superior, she should've known better. If she felt she just had to ride with him then someone else should've gone along. There is just NO excuse for it in my eyes. She is of higher rank. It's not appropriate.

 

But he wont even begin to see it my way. I told him to put himself in my shoes for a second and of course he says he wouldn't give a poo. But, he would. I just know it.

 

Ya know, he could very well easily not be doing anything wrong but its like he makes it out to seem like he is. He puts a huge flaming banner out there like LOOK AT ME. No wonder I am so crazy!

[Jd1983]

Personally, I wouldn't be ok with this at all.

 

Yes, she may be his supervisor, but there is no need for him to discuss his personal business with her. There was no need for him to tell her that you were jealous and insecure. This is something that should be discussed between the two of you, not anyone else.

 

I would be suspicious with the fact that he chose to delete his messages to her. If everything was so innocent, why would he feel he has to hide it?

[pumpkinmoon]

Ok but why did she ask that in the first place? He must have told her something!

 

That is a very uncomfortable situation.

 

To me you have two options...

 

1) You keep arguing about it, trying to make him see why this upsets you. If you do manage that in the end then great, but if you really don't think that he will see your view, there is no point. And as you have just said, there is nothing you can really do about it anyway. Even if he didn't drive with her, she will be on the boat. Continuing to argue about it will drive a wedge between the two of you making it more likely that somthing could happen, not saying it will, but more likely.

 

2) You turn the situation around. You might call this reverse psychology in a way. You tell him that you have had a think about things and realise that you have been overreacting and realise that now. Make it known that there is no reason for you not to like her and you are fine with the situation. This will be hard work on your part but I think it might be the best way. This way, you will not let her drive that wedge, she will not be able to moan to him about why you don't like her and in turn he will have nothing negative to tell her about you for her to use in her favour. He will also feel more trusted by you which in turn will make him less likely to cheat, again, not saying he will.

 

In the meantime, you just keep your eyes and ears open for anything untoward.

[live.laugh.luv]

Personally, I wouldn't be ok with this at all.

 

Yes, she may be his supervisor, but there is no need for him to discuss his personal business with her. There was no need for him to tell her that you were jealous and insecure. This is something that should be discussed between the two of you, not anyone else.

 

I would be suspicious with the fact that he chose to delete his messages to her. If everything was so innocent, why would he feel he has to hide it?[/QUOTE]

 

Exactly. Gosh, I feel sick.

[petite]

The problem isn't his supervisor it's rather more an issue between you and him. There seems to be a gap in communication and that can often cause problems in relationships. I felt there was more to the story so took a bit of time to go through some of your old posts. It seems like your insecurities cause some trust issues you might be having. Perhaps all his time away makes you worried about what he might be doing when he isn't with you?

 

Going back a few threads you first had an issue with some sexual applications on his iPod, then about not wearing his wedding band all the time; and then about being on a ship with women and talking to them. It seems like you have some trust issues, whether that might be because you're insecure in yourself or your relationship it's hard to tell.

People talk to there colleagues at work, their bosses, the supervisor being the last person he called shouldn't really be an issue at all; you're only thinking about it because you seem to not be comfortable with him being around other women, period.

 

Perhaps you need to have a good talk and maybe even go to counseling to deal with all these issues. It seems to go a lot deeper and further than just this one incident with the supervisor. The only thing I don't like out of this whole scenario is him telling her you didn't like her. That should be between a husband and wife, and he shouldn't discuss it with anyone else, especially not the supervisor.

As far as him calling her "fat", men always say something that will put the other woman down in hopes that their woman will feel better. More often than not it's plain silly and unnecessary.

 

Did he invite her to drive there with him? If he didn't need to go with her for the 7hr drive I can understand your frustrations, but 7hrs is a pretty long time to drive and maybe he needed company. Perhaps she asked to go with him and he didn't want to be rude to reject her, since she is his supervisor?

 

For the sake of your marriage and sanity, speak with him about everything that bothers you and even suggest to see a counselor. There seems to be a lot more going on and the sooner you resolve all these issues the better it will be for both of you, and your marriage. the last thing you want to do is walk on eggshells and be scared of saying how you feel. Everything needs to be out in the open and there needs to be some healthy communication going on.

[live.laugh.luv]

Thank you for that. #2, as hard as it may be, seems like the way to go. I don't really have a choice. Like it or not, he's going to spend more time with this woman then he is me. Hell, in the last two months they have spent more time together. It's hard, so hard but there is nothing that I can do.

 

Trust is hard. Blind faith is hard. Deployments are hard. Being a Military wife is hard. We aren't put in the most "normal" situations.

 

I just wish he'd TRY, just TRY to see things from my point of view. Stop and think for just a second about how I see it and how it makes/made me feel. A ride OK, whatever. Talking about me in an ill and unflattering way NOT okay. Stopping to SHOP...wth is that about?!

 

He's like a white liar. He lies about POINTLESS things.

[pumpkinmoon]

And so did my ex.

 

But yes you have no choice at all. Even if he does see your point, the answer will still be that he still has to spend time with her whether you like it or not. It can't be avoided. What you can avoid though is ill feelings surronding this which will push him away from you.

 

He may even start telling you he hasn't seen that much of her just to save an argument, when indeed he might have seen her a lot. And to take it one step further, she may even be there when he is on the phone telling you these lies. This puts her at an advantage and you at a disadvantage. In this case, she is "in on the lies" and you are unaware of what is really happening. If you make him feel comfortable, there is more chance that he will actually tell you the truth.

[live.laugh.luv]

I've met her once, very briefly. Now, physically, no, she's not a threat. He's not just saying that to make me feel better. She's not a threat; physically. BUT when he came home from being on the boat one month, he blabbed about her to me. Telling me how cool she is and how she is going to be one of the chicks who gets laid on the boat but that she's not a you know what. OK? How am I supposed to take that? Why would he tell me that and expect me not to be like wth? It's like he has no filter for the things he says to me. SO, that sparked me being a little standoffish when I met her. So I am assuming she caught on to that and that is why she asked my husband why I didn't like her

[petite]

Strategies will not work and if anything it will make the whole situation worse. This is a marriage not a high school reunion.

These are some real issues. I've been in good and bad relationships, I've also been cheated on physically and emotionally, it isn't fun; however not every man is the same.

 

How do you know there were text messages from her? Did you see them prior to him deleting them? People who are forced to work closely together in confined spaces, while often they can get close it isn't the case always. People in those situations also have to get on well together. Maybe she is trying to bring her team closer since they will be deployed for such a long time and she wants to know more about them, maybe it is a little unprofessional, but people work in different ways.

 

As I said before, the issue isn't his supervisor, the issue seems to be you and him and lack of healthy communication and trust. People in situations like yours need to rely on trust and communication more so than those who spend every day together.

[live.laugh.luv]

I agree with you. Maybe the issue isn't his supervisor. It's clear that I cannot trust him.

 

I didn't see the texts prior to him deleting them. So, no, I do not know for sure what he was deleting. I just think it's odd that he deleted them in the first place and also odd that he deleted them when I left the room.

[petite]

I agree with you. Maybe the issue isn't his supervisor. It's clear that I cannot trust him.

 

I didn't see the texts prior to him deleting them. So, no, I do not know for sure what he was deleting. I just think it's odd that he deleted them and also odd that he deleted them when I left the room.

 

How do you know he was deleting anything, especially since you say you left the room?

Deal with the issues of trust, communication and his deployment. These seem to be the core problems and this is where it all starts. I am not saying he isn't at fault, in fact I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong, but maybe it's time to start thinking fairly and objectively.

[live.laugh.luv]

Well, I know he deleted them because when I walked in I saw his phone and said "no messages" then phone was in his hand. and I know there were texts on his phone...because we were texting quite a bit while I was on my way to see him. So, I know for a fact he deleted them.

 

 

I wasn't going to look through his phone as I never do but after that, I did. And she was the first call on his log and that just made me mad. He talked to her a few minutes before he came to my room. So, it's just a number of events that have made me feel this way.

 

When he first got to where he was going, he told me it was pointless for me to visit and that I shouldn't. But when I told him I was going to and didn't care what he had to say he told me to get a room off base. So of course, my mind runs WILD. First, he doesn't want me going. Then, he doesnt want me on base. Hm. how does that look?

[petite]

I understand your frustrations, but you didn't put that in the initial post. Fact is you don't know when he deleted his messages. It's hard to say if anything is going on. The only way to resolve the issues you do have is by talking and counseling. However, in order for that the work both people need to be willing. Either way be adults about it. From personal experience, when we don't trust a person, every little thing makes us doubt them and turns into something a lot bigger than it really is.

[live.laugh.luv]

I understand your frustrations, but you didn't put that in the initial post. Fact is you don't know when he deleted his messages. It's hard to say if anything is going on. The only way to resolve the issues you do have is by talking and counseling. However, in order for that the work both people need to be willing. Either way be adults about it. From personal experience, when we don't trust a person, every little thing makes us doubt them and turns into something a lot bigger than it really is.

 

You are certainly right about that, petite. Your mind goes a 100 miles a minute and thinks of crazy things and you believe those crazy things.

 

I know that he could very easily not be doing anything wrong but he just has a funny way of showing that he's not. He gives me every reason to think he's doing wrong then any reason to believe he's not. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

 

I wouldn't go on 7 hour drive with a male co-worker alone. Nor would I stop to go clothes shopping. I am a married woman.

[petite]

You are certainly right about that, petite. Your mind goes a 100 miles a minute and thinks of crazy things and you believe those crazy things.

 

I know that he could very easily not be doing anything wrong but he just has a funny way of showing that he's not. He gives me every reason to think he's doing wrong then any reason to believe he's not. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

 

I wouldn't go on 7 hour drive with a male co-worker alone. Nor would I stop to go clothes shopping. I am a married woman.

 

I understand exactly what you are saying, as I've mentioned before; I have been there. That is exactly why I am telling you to get it all out in the open before any more damage happens.

I know there is nothing worse than going to bed worrying about what the person is doing and who they are doing it with etc, but when it comes to that point it really isn't a healthy relationship. Remember one thing, if you can't trust your partner, who can you trust?

The lack of trust isn't necessarily their fault either. Think about it. If there is one thing men don't like it is being nagged and having a possessive woman by their side.

[live.laugh.luv]

I know, he hates that I am insecure and when I get insecure I can just feel me pushing him away. I hate being hounded, so why do I hound him? Ugh, I totally get it. I see what you are saying. But at the same time he doesn't give me any good reason not to feel insecure. I know only I can control me and my feelings, but his actions play a good part.

 

I hate being that naggy, insecure girl. I really do. It's exhausting. But we are married, like you said this isn't high school, this is a marriage and I feel like I deserve more respect then what he is giving me. I know that he isn't a mind reader and I know that men don't think the way we women do, but I sure wish they did.

 

Oh I wish...I wish...I wish

[prettymommy]

I agree with everything about petite... this is more about you and your insecurities and your relationship with your husband than anything else.

 

I am an attractive, mid 30 something woman working with a bunch of men twice my age. Due to the nature of our work, we often are on the road, traveling, for days at a time. None of the wives of the men I work with have any issue with me or the fact their husbands are spending several days of business travel with me. Likewise, none of my partners have ever had any issues with me traveling with the guys I work with (even when we all knowingly go out for drinks and dinner after work, or sight see in the evenings in whatever city we happen to be in). Occassionally, one of the men I work with will give me a funny little gift, or vice versa. The reason there is no issues on behalf of the spouses/partners regarding any of this is TRUST. My partners have always trusted me to be professional and loyal, and I imagine it is true of my coworkers spouses as well. And this is despite the fact that everyone knows we joke, and laugh, and get slightly inappropriate with stories about our past and home life and such... things that sometimes I dont think my coworkers or supervisors should talk about/discuss with me (situations at home and such- divorce, relationships, kids, etc)..... but its the nature of the beast, it helps to build professional relationships and network, etc.

 

Put yourself in your husband's shoes... he's trying to maintain his career in order to support his family, build relationships and networks, which include his supervisor, regardless of whether its a female or male, AND try to please you too. Its a hard balance at times.

 

I would back off if I were you, unless you want to cause some permenante damage to your relationship with your husband. Stop assuming the worst unless you have some HARD evidence to the contrary.

[Unreasonable]

If she has to option of travelling with someone else, then you should tell your SO that you are uncomfortable about it and that you would prefer she travel with someone else. If he doesn't respect that, then you've got a serious problem.

 

Sometimes though, work requires two people of the opposite sex to have to be in contact with each other. You just can't avoid it, and have to have some level of trust, because he has to make a living. It doesn't matter if it's 7 hours every once in a while, or an hour a day, the possibility that something COULD happen is there. And there is the possibility that nothing will happen.

 

It really is going to boil down to the integrity of your man and the strength of your relationship. If he's the faithful type and she makes the move on him, he'll make other arrangements on his own.

[FarthestEdge]

See, this is the problem. You are expecting HIM to make YOU feel secure.

 

That is your responsibility to yourself.

 

You need to believe that 1) You have worth. He isn't looking for anyone else, because he's lucky and happy to have you. and 2) If he was stupid enough to throw it away, you would recover and find a happy life without him...

 

But you are going to choke this marriage thinking that NO woman should be near him at any time. Go back and read your post about them going shopping....SHOPPING!!!...the way you reacted & wrote about it, you'd think they stopped at a motel...to engage in a very different activity...

 

I've been where you are. You need to reshift your perception. Your husband is going to get tired of being treated like a scumbag, when he's done nothing wrong. OK- he's out of line, telling his co-worker that your jealous and paranoid..but it's not as if he's telling a lie... You are tormenting him with mistrust and anger, yet you expect him to suffer it quietly and protect your image at the same time? He's a person too, who deserves respect as well...How much respect are you showing him?

 

LLL- I'm not trying to be harsh, but you need to stop this. You need to find confidence in who YOU are and what YOU bring to the marriage, as well as your ability to survive without it...

 

Asking your husband to make you feel secure is a crutch. It won't matter what he does. He could eschew all contact with ALL women, and all it would do is feed your insecurities more...Then we'd be hearing that you think he's going to have an affair with a man...Because it isn't about what HE does, it's about YOU. But facing that is harder than it is to put it on him.