Did he breakup with me out of insecurity, and is this relationship salvageable?

[lostinmargins]

I'm sorry for the length, but I'd really appreciate some feedback.

 

I was dating a guy for about two and a half months. He broke up with me a little over a week ago. We met online. I'm 23 and he's 31. The age difference was never an issue for either of us. We instantly connected and the relationship moved very quickly, both physically and emotionally, from the getgo. As far as his relationship history, he was with someone for seven years until they broke up about three years ago. She’s married now, but they’re still good friends. He also dated a girl in college for about two years who consistently cheated on him and it was a dysfunctional relationship.

 

The one problem I had with him is that he was extremely insecure in the relationship. He'd make comments like, "what are you doing with an old man like me" or make passive aggressive jealous remarks about me having other boyfriends. Granted, I didn't exactly do my part in reassuring him because I tended to go out with guys he didn't know until late at night and I'm a big flirt. About three weeks before the breakup, I informed him that I was attending a weekend long party at a beach house. The party was coming up in a couple of weeks. He wasn't happy about it because I guess I kind of made it sound like a crazy frat party. He never directly asked me not to go, but he definitely made it clear that he was uncomfortable with it.

 

The next weekend, I was using his computer and stumbled accross the fact that he had logged back onto the dating site we'd met on. This really irked me because we had both promised to disable our accounts, meaning the account is deactivated until you log back in again. I also discovered he had made a profile and messaged women on a dating site for people with an adult breastfeeding fetish. None of the messages were about meeting up, more about the fetish. I felt like he just needed an outlet to get off and discuss the fetish since it's uncommon. I also assumed he had this fetish partly because his mom physically abused him as a child. I confronted him about everything that night. He wasn't angry at me for snooping and he had a good excuse for the dating site. He ended up opening up to me at length about his fetish and how he doesn't understand it or know why he likes it, and that he's told almost no one about it. I was supportive, understanding, and nonjudgmental. He was incredibly embarrassed, but thanked me for prying and asking him about it. He told me he’s only focused on his career, his writing, and me right now and that if he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t waste my time. He also said he really likes me and wants to see where the relationship can go. We talked all night and I felt like our relationship was stronger for it.

 

Two weeks later, it was the day I was leaving for the beach weekend. That morning, I was at his place and I woke up early in the morning because I thought I heard someone at the window. He made a remark like, “oh, is it your peeping tom boyfriend? That’s ok, you don’t have to tell me about all your other boyfriends.” When we said goodbye, he was acting weird and standoffish. He didn't return my calls all weekend and when I got back, he asked to come over and see me. He came by and was acting really weird and wouldn't really let me be affectionate with him. The first thing he asked was how my weekend was, then he proceeded to ask me questions about the weekend, all while watching me very intensely. He ended up telling me that before I left, I had told him I'd miss him, and that he thought about this statement all weekend long, so much so that it sort of consumed him. He told me that he didn't miss me over the weekend, that he didn't ache for me and that this was a sign to him that we shouldn't be together. He also said his feelings for me had stayed the same since we first started dating and he's not sure if the relationship has a future. He said he doesn't want to lead me on if his heart's not in it. He then stayed for a while and said I could call him if I had anything I wanted to ask him.

 

That's pretty much the whole story. There's been no contact on either end since. I can't honestly believe he didn't miss me over the weekend. A month into dating, I had gone away on vacation for two weeks and while I was gone, we communicated on a regular basis, and he even wrote me a really heartfelt, romantic email that basically proved he was aching for me. This is all so confusing. He made the effort to meet my close friends and my brother, and I really thought we were on the same page. I flat out asked if this was because of the age difference, and he promised it wasn't, that I'm incredibly mature for my age and that was never an issue. A weeks ago, he told me that he almost never tells his parents when he's dating someone, because they start grilling him about getting married, but that he'd told them about me. I don't get it. I'd really appreciate some feedback. Thanks.

[hrtlsngl7]

After reading your novel for some reason,...I say RUN AWAY!!!!!! AS QUICK AS YOU CAN!!!! He's thoroughly * * * * ed up and your not even ready for a steady relationship if you're going to parties w/o your bf. RUUUNNNN!!!!

 

P.S. enjoy your youth.

[1guygirl]

hmmmmm sounds like hes been brooding, and maybe his fears are playing on his mind and so he puts up the wall ...ive done it, guilty of it, insecurity is an awful thing because it makes you create situations in your head before they even happen, and then you think arrrgh i cant do this

 

give him some space as hard as it is

 

oh and as for the adult breastfeeding...i dont see it as a fetish, me and my bf have done it and it was something very loving and bonding between us aswell as being rather hot

[faithful14]

To me it does sound like his insecurity got in the way. He was probably so jealous when you went away to the party, that he let all the anger and resentment consume him. He's 31 years old, he should know better than to act like a child over this.

[brazilgirl21]

Yeah, I didn't really get the "run" from the story either. Just that the guy has insecurity/commitment issues.

 

I am also 23 and have been dating a 31 year old on/off for the past year. It really seems like the age difference doesn't matter, but for them, it really does. They see any relationship as "marriage" potential while for us it's just another relationship that may or may not work.

 

I dunno, I just have been finding it hard to deal with guys in their late 20's, early 30's. I guess it's a hard age for guys because they are still so young but at the same time, it's time to settle.

 

I think deep down they kind of resent our youth.

[lostinmargins]

I've been thinking about emailing him, because I didn't really say anything that night when he broke up with me. Is there anything I should definitely say or steer away from saying?

 

I really want to try to salvage this relationship, because as insecure as he is, we had an amazing connection that I've never experienced with anyone before.

[IWishToHug]

I believe he broke up with you because he truly felt that whatever he expected to be there wasn't there. I also believe that this is greatly due to his high level of insecurity. He is at the age where it's "all or nothing."

 

We're brought up to believe that we have to do particular things at particular "stages" in life in order to be successful and thus "be happy." That's a load of crap, and I would be happy to elaborate, but that's not the point of this post Anyhow, he is at the "stage" where one must settle down with somebody soon or else they will be alone forever. People in this situation can handle this in two ways: settle for anything they can get or make sure what they get is "perfect." I believe he is taking the latter route.

 

People have these preconceived ideas of what an "ideal mate" and "ideal relationship" is supposed to be. In reality, there is no such thing as a preconceived idea of this. Nobody can preconceive who their perfect match is, let alone their interaction (relationship). People are far too unique for that. We don't know who we will click well with until we come accross them. We don't know what we truly want until we it. You can't guess. He's guessing.

 

He will find flaws wherever he can possibly find them (in many cases he'll simply create flaws where there aren't any). He will use his "relationship rubric" and check off all the far-fetched as well as impersonal characteristics "needed" for a lasting relationship. These rubrics, these preconceptions, are degrading to all people and all relationships. I won't go into this any further, although it is still important. Getting to the point, this relationship didn't fulfill the requirements on his little rubric. This is greatly due to his insecurity, as well as how we're all programmed to think.

 

Now the final question: Is this relationship salvageable?

 

If he doesn't change his mindset, then it is not. If he continues to be jealous the way he is and obsessed with the "perfect relationship," then it is not. That's all up to him, though. There is nothing you can say. He's very stubborn about this, because he "knows what he wants." He hasn't a clue but he feels he knows, so he's going to be narrow-minded about it. All you can really do is say what you feel you need to say and ask the questions you feel you need to ask. Beyond that, it's all up to him.

[brazilgirl21]

OMG. I'm sorry to completely interrupt someone else's thread but this explains the guy I've been dating on/off for 1 year SO well. He is ALSO 31 and I am 23 like the OP and I believe he can't commit to me because he has this "all or nothing" mentality. He likes me a lot but at the same time I believe he's not sure that I'm the "perfect" person for him to settle.

 

However, I really think these guys won't find the "perfect" mate and the harder they try they just become more picky. I understand them. 31, it's all or nothing.

 

BUT, what can we do to make them realize that there can be some grey area? Maybe the "all" can grow with time and they need to give people chances????

 

I'm just SO in love with this guy and I really believe I'm a good match for him but he keeps pushing/pulling.

[IWishToHug]

There's not really much you can do personally. This is something he'd have to eventually figure out for himself, as well as any other person. Plus.. if he doesn't change his mindset, then a relationship with him is worthless for you. It'll hurt you in the end. If he keeps pushing you away, then you're better off away. Things always have a way of working out for the better. And this isn't some magical fairy dust process. They work out because we live based on our feelings. So as long as we're honest with ourselves, then things will always work out for the best. If he's pushing you away, then a relationship with him, at least at this time, is not for the best. I hope this helps. If you want my detailed answer, then I would have to explain a lot more to you. I don't feel like doing that on here, since it completely disregards what this entire forum is about.

[brazilgirl21]

I've been in this forum for a while and I have a big thread with over 1700 replies about this relationship with this guy. It has been 1 year on/off. However, I never heard anyone nailing his mindset so well as you did here without even reading my gigantic thread.

 

 

 

This is our third break-up and each time, he opens up more, and more... this last time he basically COMPLETELY opened up, introduced me to all of his friends, everything seemed perfect, and then after A PERFECT date he simply pulled away AGAIN.

 

And he said he loves me but he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now and we wouldn't workout RIGHT NOW, but then he says that all he wants now is to meet a girl, start a family. I mean, contradictorial much?

 

Is it ok if I private message you with more information? Are you a girl or a guy?

[IWishToHug]

You can private message me, sure. I'm male. I just never set up my profile.

[lostinmargins]

I've been thinking about emailing him, because I didn't really say anything that night when he broke up with me. Is there anything I should definitely say or steer away from saying?

 

I really want to try to salvage this relationship, because as insecure as he is, we had an amazing connection that I've never experienced with anyone before.

[FrenchFries]

 

The one problem I had with him is that he was extremely insecure in the relationship. He'd make comments like, "what are you doing with an old man like me" or make passive aggressive jealous remarks about me having other boyfriends. Granted, I didn't exactly do my part in reassuring him because I tended to go out with guys he didn't know until late at night and I'm a big flirt. About three weeks before the breakup, I informed him that I was attending a weekend long party at a beach house. The party was coming up in a couple of weeks. He wasn't happy about it because I guess I kind of made it sound like a crazy frat party. He never directly asked me not to go, but he definitely made it clear that he was uncomfortable with it.

 

 

How is any of this going to change if you two were to get back together? You are still in flirty party stage and apparently he is not. If he's insecure and you're a big flirt who hangs out with guys he doesn't know into all hours of the night and goes away for weekend long parties without him, I just don't see that working out. Sounds like the two of you aren't compatible and he needs to work on that insecurity thing. Maybe you aren't as ready to be in a relationship with this particular guy as you think. He probably just started shutting down on you. I'm not saying that's right, but that's what I'm guessing happened.

[lostinmargins]

I know I made it sound like I'm a crazy party girl in my post, but I'm really not. The weekend long party is the only such party I've ever been to, and it's really not my thing. The only reason I went is because my two best girlfriends were going and they wanted it to be a mini vacation of sorts since we haven't been able to hang out much lately, and I told my exboyfriend that. I even asked if I could bring him, but the guy whose house it was had a limit on the number of people who could come. I have a lot of guy friends, and yes, I did go out with them sometimes, and he couldn't always be there.

 

The thing I don't get, which I really hope someone can clear up for me, is if he broke up with me over his insecurities like I think he did, then why did he seem so genuine about not having missed me over the weekend and his feelings not progressing for me over the course of our relationship(at least that's what I interpreted "my feelings haven't changed for you" to mean)? While he was breaking up with me, he complimented me a ton and told me things like he could confide in me about anything, I'm such a great listener, he feels so comfortable with me, he loves being with me, etc. I'm so confused.

[FrenchFries]

As someone who use to have a big wall up, I can tell you that it is very easy in those early months to disconnect. He may like you, but it did not get a chance to take root. People who have walls take time to really get into a relationship. They also have to want to let those walls down. He liked you, but had not gotten to a point where he felt safe and gained trust in you, so it was easy for him to talk himself out of it. The fear of pain and rejection is a very strong force.

[brazilgirl21]

The thing I don't get, which I really hope someone can clear up for me, is if he broke up with me over his insecurities like I think he did, then why did he seem so genuine about not having missed me over the weekend and his feelings not progressing for me over the course of our relationship(at least that's what I interpreted "my feelings haven't changed for you" to mean)? While he was breaking up with me, he complimented me a ton and told me things like he could confide in me about anything, I'm such a great listener, he feels so comfortable with me, he loves being with me, etc. I'm so confused.

 

OMG, were we dating the same guy?? I am also 23 and my ex is also 31 and he said the exact same things to me!!!

 

He said I am very special, that I'm amazing, that I know him better than anyone else, that he feels SO comfortable around me, loves to hangout with me... BUT...

 

But what???

 

What is the deal with these men? I mean, they think we are amazing, we have great chemistry, they like us. What more do they want????

[lostinmargins]

As someone who use to have a big wall up, I can tell you that it is very easy in those early months to disconnect. He may like you, but it did not get a chance to take root. People who have walls take time to really get into a relationship. They also have to want to let those walls down. He liked you, but had not gotten to a point where he felt safe and gained trust in you, so it was easy for him to talk himself out of it. The fear of pain and rejection is a very strong force.

 

As far as him having walls up, I guess I'm confused about that because he opened up to me from the very beginning and confided in me, told me things about his childhood, his fears, experiences he's had, that were extremely personal. Wouldn't he need to trust me in order to tell me those things?

 

Plus, with the fetish, even though he probably only talked about it because I caught him on that site, he didn't have to tell me as much as he did. He really made himself vulnerable.

 

Also, a few weeks into the relationship, we were talking about his friends and how he'd been telling them about me. He said that his friends know he's a "tough shell to crack" and that it's a huge deal if he lets someone in, so they knew he was serious about me.

[brazilgirl21]

As far as him having walls up, I guess I'm confused about that because he opened up to me from the very beginning and confided in me, told me things about his childhood, his fears, experiences he's had, that were extremely personal. Wouldn't he need to trust me in order to tell me those things?

 

Plus, with the fetish, even though he probably only talked about it because I caught him on that site, he didn't have to tell me as much as he did. He really made himself vulnerable.

 

Also, a few weeks into the relationship, we were talking about his friends and how he'd been telling them about me. He said that his friends know he's a "tough shell to crack" and that it's a huge deal if he lets someone in, so they knew he was serious about me.

 

I think your relationship is DEFINETLY salvageble, because I feel like I've been in your shoes. You need to give him a bit of space and then reconnect slowly, without pressure.

 

That's what I did and we always end up getting back together.

 

The question you have to ask yourself is: Do you want to have to put so much effort into a relationship? Do you want to be with someone that might actually slowly open up to you but, that might also decide to cut you off? Do you want to be with someone who will make you insecure and uncertain?

 

In my case, I always chose to go back and try again because I really love my ex BUT it has been a very tough journey and I am in my 3rd break-up with him.

 

I don't know, I don't regret going back because we had some great moments, but when a guy have commitment issues, maybe it's better to walk away now before you get even more hurt?

[lostinmargins]

I hope I didn't screw things up, because I emailed him last night. This is what I said:

 

hey,

 

when you came over last week, i couldn't formulate any substantial thoughts, much less respond in any capacity. now, i've had some time to think and i'd like to tell you a few things. i know you said i can call you if i have anything to talk to you about, but to be honest, i can't be sure you want me to, so i've opted for the written word.

 

when you told me you didn't miss me, i felt naive and deluded, that i'd imagined you felt the same for me as i did for you. i was confused, there had to be another reason, because i felt we had something special, trite as that sounds, a wonderful connection that truth be told, i'd never experienced with someone i'd been romantically involved with.

 

i suppose in light of what i've just written, it would be extraneous to tell you i miss you dearly, but i do. i miss talking to you about life and the world and smoking cigarettes while listening to jazz singers croon in the background. i miss not being able to find your ticklish spots. i miss your calming nature and how comfortable you made me feel. i miss so much more, but i guess it's inappropriate to go on about that now.

 

please write back, if you're moved to.

[brazilgirl21]

I think that was a very sweet e-mail and I don't think you have screwed anything. But, I think he probably will need more time apart to process this.

 

Did he reply?

[1guygirl]

aww bless...a nice email...i hope it makes him think twice

 

if he is insecure and what he said was just a 'front' then maybe that email will open him up again

 

keep us posted