What did I do wrong?!

[eleanorrigby1]

confused, hurt and really angry at the moment!!

 

I have a life long friend who lives about a 40 min drive away, she has a two month old baby and a three year old toddler. I have a 17 month old toddler, we are both up early and I find the mornings boring and lonely somedays but in the afternoon me and my daughter go to bed together for a nap (while I am pregnant.. I need my afternoon nap! otherwise I keel over!)

 

I invited my friend over (she drives and I don't) I said did she fancy coming over one morning and we could take the kids to the park, have some lunch and then I said (honestly as we're old friends) I could kick her out at 2pm (even though I normally nap at 1pm) so I could get some sleep. She replied saying if it was too much for me she would come over another day.. I explained that I napped every day so it was always the same.

 

I said 'we're both up at the crack of dawn with our littleuns, I figure if you can get here for 9.30 to 10am, we've got plenty of time to have a catch up, have some lunch before you need to leave? let me know' so she replied saying she isn't superwoman, incase i hadn't noticed she had a baby and a toddler and i needed to stop thinking about me, myself and I for once!!

 

So I replid to say that even if she got here for 11am (she said she is up at 6am?!) that would still give us a couple of hours together.. I explained that if I don't lie with my toddler, she won't nap and if she doesn't nap she screams all afternoon, that if i put her to nap too late, she isnt up in time for her tea and if she sleeps too late she doesn't go to bed! (phew!) I said that while I was pregnant I was taking advantage of being able to get an afternoon nap as I don't sleep so good at night (uncomfortable, baby kicking, weeing every hour! etc...)

 

She replied to say that she didn't want to come because 'frankly i am a selfish (insert insult) the most selfish person she has ever met, that she doesnt have a lot of sleep with her babies and that she is up at the crack of dawn and i am lucky i get a nap because she never did while she was pregnant and that all i can think of is myself?!!

 

I said 'oh sod you then.. i thought of all people i could just be honest with my best friend, i wasnt asking for an award on who has the least sleep or who deals with pregnancy the best, i was just explaining how me and my daughter have an afternoon nap, how that is interpretted as selfish i do not know'

 

She basically replied to tell me to bog off and i said that i couldnt be bothered talking to her, she replied basically ending our friendship?!

 

What did I do wrong?!

[hexaemeron]

Sounds like the wear and tear of new infant mommyhood is turning her into a crazywoman. This isn't your fault. She's overwhelmed with her responsibilities and is dumping on you. Just give her a day or two and she'll probably apologize.

[shuttlefish]

Sleep deprived, cranky, stressed, conflicted. This will all blow over.

[Honey Pumpkin]

She's tired, and maybe your request came accross as a bit all about you - she should drive to see you, spend time, then when you're tired at a time of your choosing, she's to drive back home again. It *might* have seemed a bit like you're being a little demanding, saying when she can drive over and see you.

 

I wouldn't end a friendship over something like this, I would talk it out in a few days.

[FarthestEdge]

She replied saying if it was too much for me she would come over another day.. I explained that I napped every day so it was always the same.

 

I said 'we're both up at the crack of dawn with our littleuns, I figure if you can get here for 9.30 to 10am, we've got plenty of time to have a catch up, have some lunch before you need to leave? let me know' so she replied saying she isn't superwoman, incase i hadn't noticed she had a baby and a toddler and i needed to stop thinking about me, myself and I for once!!

 

So I replid to say that even if she got here for 11am (she said she is up at 6am?!) that would still give us a couple of hours together..

What did I do wrong?!

 

Well, I agree she overreacted, but since you asked...

 

You told her what would work for YOU without asking her what would work for HER. Your plans centred around what works for you, when she is the one doing the driving, and the one with a newborn AND anothe child to manage.

 

She tried to tell you that wouldn't work for her by offering to come another time, and you pushed the issue by assuming she could get there by 11:00.

 

I don't think you meant it to come out that way, and I do think she overreacted, but I can also see where, in her sleep-deprived, newborn-centric world, she percieved your suggestions as completely ignoring her needs in the equation.

 

Give her a few days, and think about it from her POV- it may blow over, and if it does, perhaps you could instead go to visit HER- then you can arrive and leave at a time that works for your schedule, instead of imposing it on her and having to 'kick her out'

 

I see both sides, and you did ask. No offense intended.

[eleanorrigby1]

She's tired, and maybe your request came accross as a bit all about you - she should drive to see you, spend time, then when you're tired at a time of your choosing, she's to drive back home again. It *might* have seemed a bit like you're being a little demanding, saying when she can drive over and see you.

 

I wouldn't end a friendship over something like this, I would talk it out in a few days.

 

mnn interesting, never thought of that. I did keep saying to get 'let me know what you think?' I suppose I was just being honest with her, because last time we made plans she said she would be with me for 10am and I sat in waiting all morning, my toddler was bored and tantruming and i kept looking out of the window and finally at 11.30 she rang to say she was 'going to set off soon' I had to say 'leave it! Im going to bed after lunch!'

 

I suppose I was just pre-empting any 'turning up at lunchtime' from her by explaining that if she couldn't get here til late there would be no point.

 

considering she is up at 6am I thought it wouldnt be any trouble to get here for 10am? I never expect her to visit and in the 17 months my child has been alive she has only ever driven over about four times. (we've been friends for over 20 years)

 

(I have visited her at weekends and we have had time together without our children - evenings, birthdays, weddings, etc)

[eleanorrigby1]

Well, I agree she overreacted, but since you asked...

 

 

 

Give her a few days, and think about it from her POV- it may blow over, and if it does, perhaps you could instead go to visit HER- then you can arrive and leave at a time that works for your schedule, instead of imposing it on her and having to 'kick her out'

 

.

 

thats just it.. i dont drive and to get to her house i would have to get a train and then a bus and then walk for ten minutes after getting off the bu, i worked out door to door it would take me about 2 hours! thats four hours travelling there and back. In a car, there is a motorway connecting us and it takes less than 40 mins to shoot over here.

[pl3asehelp]

Driving somewhere 40 min each way with a newborn and a 3 year old is almost impossible. With their naps, eating, etc. A person might be able to time this right and get lucky but you could still only stay at your destination for a couple minutes. Really, this sounds like an impossibility.

[tadams]

My thoughts exactly... compromise!

[3boys]

Driving somewhere 40 min each way with a newborn and a 3 year old is almost impossible. With their naps, eating, etc. A person might be able to time this right and get lucky but you could still only stay at your destination for a couple minutes. Really, this sounds like an impossibility.

 

No offense, but seriously? A 40 minute drive really isn't that difficult...when my boys were little (they're almost exactly 3 years apart), we lived in the sticks and I would take them out by myself all of the time, as newborns, they usually slept in the car....and I have 3! Personally, I think she was just tired and cranky and overreacted.