I feel so guilty...can't forgive myself...he also cheated...who is wrong?

[egygirl]

I am devastated. My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up about 2 weeks ago. I was completely and deeply in love with him. But maybe the love was more from my side that it was from his.

 

The thing is...from the beginning, I lied to him about being a virgin. It is important in his culture. I was ashamed of what I did, and I've been hiding it from everyone...I haven't been able to forgive myself. So, somehow, he found out the truth, from snooping around in my email (or he was playing mind games) I don't know. Before that, a few months ago....he cheated on me with a prostitute. I was devastated and couldn't eat or sleep for a week. But I forgave him and took him back. He always talked about after that, wanted to "sleep" with my friends...and made me feel he hated me. But then he would come back and be sweet to me again...and we'd go on trips, and everything would be fine. He was very off an on. Sometimes sooo nice and sweet to me...others time, completely mean and rude with me.

 

Still, i forgave him, and went on. Once he found out the truth (I confessed) he was sooo angry, since June 9th, I haven't heard anything from him. I wrote 2 apology emails...first he replied, the 2nd he didn't...and i spilled out my heart and apologized profusely and told him the reason why I did it...to have his respect, and not to use me for sex. He wanted details...he said I was keeping secrets. He has been too, but I never pressured him to say anything...as the past is the past. Even he hasn't told me everything he has done on his trips he's taken in the last 6 months. I find out from his online profiles. I made a mistake in my past years before him. But my love was true for him, and I would have done anything for him. And I did. But he never said sorry to me for cheating, or for all the times he talked about my friends. When I asked about the special gift he promised me...he said. "you don't need it." He would then ask if he could give one of my friends a gift, and what would they like? Now he is saying...all the time, money, everything he invested...he was foolish, because I didn't deserve it.

 

I am the one feeling soooo guilty, for messing things up. I feel guilty for lying, it was very wrong...it wasn't my intentions to hurt him...I wanted him to accept me, as I couldn't accept or forgive myself for mistakes I made in the past. Now, I can't move on...he for sure has..He probably hates me, and is thinking because of my lying, he was justified for all the things he did. Or he thinks he is completely innocent. I don't know ....but what do you think?

[Scarlet 1]

hi egygirl

 

you did make a mistake to not tell him the truth from the beginning but i also understand the reasons why you didn't tell him.

 

i do think that he is very insensitive. there are things that you are alloud to say to some one because they hurt you and then there are things that you can never say to some one even thought they hurt you.

 

saying that he wasted things on you cause you didn't deserve it says that he didn't deserve you!!

 

cheating on you with some one else is also one of those things that shouldn't be done. i think you should leave this guy alone. he doesn't deserve your tears. using your friends to make you jealous or what ever he is trying to do is very childish!!

 

please leave this guy alone he seems very inconsistant and only out to hurt you!!

 

good luck!

[Malgosia]

hey! i have been in similiar boat. Where the guy judge you, while he can get away with murder. You know something, he probably believes that man can do watever they like, while women stay quiet and don't dare do anything. i dated a guy similiar to this for three years, if he can't accept you for you then he is not the one for you. do you want to be making up to him forever only because something you did before you met him. i don't think you have to. my ex he was in military so when he got deployed of course he cheated, if your ex don't feel bad for cheating on you with a prostitute then something is wrong here. my ex also did it with prostitues,if he ever calls you a name you can think to yourself at least you don't have chance of having aids, stds from what he does. Love yourself, you can't change the past, you lied, but if he trully loved you hed accept you for you. mistakes or not. it's not like you lied about a huge list of things. since he isnt a virgin for you, he doesn't deserve it either. keep your head held high ur strong.

[Malgosia]

i also wanted to add that my ex also talked about friends, and he would say the coldest things . Scarlet 1 is completely right. he doesn't deserve you. i know there are two types of man, one. the one that judges you for lil things, or the one that loves you regardless. don't make yourself feel like nothing, only because you lied about one thing. the one that judges you is usually not the right guy. i have to tell you because my ex sounds just like your ex. they think they are so important, and wanna judge you over any lil thing. the fact he said he wasted money on you, reminds me of my ex. i saw him like 1 a year so watever he spend on me couldnt ;possibly be a fortune. if he is like that goes to show you how much he loves you. i know its hard but u will get through this. good lucky! and keep us updated.

[1guygirl]

so its ok for him not to be a virgin for you and to cheat on you, talk sexually about your friends, but now youre worthless cos youre not a virgin??? what a misogynist Ahole, sorry but he is

 

oh boy have you been dealt a blessing in disguise...sometimes the universe gives us opportunities to get out of bad situations for us, and this is one of those times

 

being with a man with these kinds of cultures and values about women, would lead to a very unhappy life in the bigger picture....would you want your sister or friend being with such a guy? i bet no.

[egygirl]

You all are right. I remember, we were planning a trip to Italy. He told me, I can't speak to guys but he is allowed to talk to other women and dance with them. I, in my mind, didn't think he was actually serious. I asked him why he thought this way, he said, because he is a man. When I met him, he wasn't like this at all...he was very sensitive and considerate.

 

Instead of going to Italy, we went somewhere else...but he was very kind to me, and spent all his time with me. Like I said, he was soooo sweet one moment, and sooooo mean the next. But I accepted him no matter what. I guess you can say, I lost my self-esteem and self confidence after being with him. I lost myself. He was connected to my happiness and my sadness...as sad as it is. When I first met him, I was strong, had my own life...and didn't take crap from him. But after a while...that all changed.

 

It happens...even when you think it can never happen...it does...