Is this obsessive behavior??

[bebeblondie]

I'm not sure where to post this, so I figured this forum is the most appropriate.

 

I've been living in my current apartment complex for over two years. There is a man and his wife who live directly below me, they seem to be in their 60's. The man seems a bit off however he is very nice and when I first moved in we sometimes would engage in a short conversation (i.e. usually something quick about the weather, I am in general not a talkative person) in passing. About a year ago I noticed a lot of the neighbors seem to try to avoid conversations with him, so I did the same especially since I noticed that he is a bit off, and I have seen him walking alone on the street talking to himself. Anyway this past January I was in the elevator with him and he started telling me how beautiful I was and how attractive he found me, I thanked him and he went on to say that he hoped his comment didn't make me feel uncomfortable. I said no it didn't and that I appreciated the compliment (even though in my head I did feel it was inappropriate given that he's married and that I'm young enough to be his daughter). Since then I have seen him a handful of times and I've exchanged nothing more than a hi and bye with him.

 

Yesterday I was leaving the building as he was coming in and he asked if I could do him a favor, I said sure. He said he had written me a letter and that he would like to slip it under my door (I figured since he lived directly below me maybe it was a complaint or something) he then went on to say it was a nice letter and asked me for my apartment # (which I thought he knew since I was under the impression that he was aware that I live directly above him) and my name.

 

Low and behold I get up this morning and there is a letter slipped under my door, it was 3 pages long, and about how he was under the impression that I am avoiding him, and I treat him like an ogre or a bad person. Then he went on to say that his appreciation for me has "crystalized" over the past couple of months yet he apologized for that day in the elevator where he told me he found me attractive since he thinks that made me uncomfortable. These are the basic points of the letter although he rambled on for 3 pages.

 

Just for the record I treat him the same way I treat all my other neighbors and I don't think I have been treating him any different since January. I have told my friends and family about this letter some say he just an old distrubed man, others say he seems a bit obsessed with me to go out of his way to write a 3 page letter to me especially when he claims to be happily married. Obviously if I had a boyfriend or husband I would have them talk to this man, but I don't I am currently single and living alone and I'm pretty sure this man knows it. My father has offered to confront this man and tell him to stay away from me. However, I decided to write him back and ask him to stay away from me and to not engage me in any conversations when he sees me in passing, what do you guys think?

[defcon]

It seems the old man has lost his sense of reality. I think you should write a 3 page letter to his wife explaining everything that you've just posted and deliver it under their door.

[tadams]

I wouldn't write his wife just yet. This man seems very disturbed, and I think if she knew, it would bring out more disturbing behavior from this man. I think your first step should be writing him a letter than you have no ill intentions, but you would feel more comfortable if he would leave you alone... Don't be too proud to have your dad speak with him... But going to the wife is the last option I'd consider...

[digger11]

whaaaaat.....

 

ok maybe he is a bit off but even you ADMIT that you treated him differently. I am sure he is a harmless old man. Why can't you simply take it as a compliment? By ostracizing him I thinkyou are making the situation worse. Treat him like you would any other neighbor.

 

Imagine if you were ugly and no one ever told you were beautiful?

 

I had a guy who came into the bar that I worked every night (casual bar) and yeah he was a bit weird sometimes and an alcoholic but I talked with him every night just like I would every other person. One night he was more hammered than usual and told me "_____ You are so beautiful! such a beautiful, beautiful, young woman. Any man would be lucky to have you" It was in passing so I laughed a little at the out of left field comment but hey, it was a compliment and it was very genuine. He also for some reason felt the need to explain himself and say "you know, I don't mean that in a sexual way, I am not trying to have sex with you (got me laughing more) You are just a wonderful person and I want you to know"

 

Why turn this into stalker behavior rather than enjoying someone who appreciates your beauty?

[digger11]

Oh and don't write a letter, if you need to say something to him just say "____, i know you don't have ill intentions, but it does make me uncomfortable when you make comments like that. Lets talk about other things ok?"

[Interceptive]

"Just for the record I treat him the same way I treat all my other neighbors and I don't think I have been treating him any different since January. "

 

...I'm pretty sure she DIDN'T admit that she treated him differently.

 

Honestly, it depends on what you feel in your gut. We're just people reading your story through a screen...we don't feel a shiver if he gets on the elevator with you, and we don't get that eerie feeling you might when he puts his eyes on you. Try to examine how serious you think this may be.

 

My biggest concern for you is, if he really is THAT far off his rocker and reality has left his side years ago, sending a letter or even acknowledging his presence may simply be playing in to his 'alternate world,' if you will. In other words, it's like a child...if a three year old asks you to play house with them, and you play along for a few minutes then stop and expect him to abruptly leave you alone, where does that get him thinking? You've already played his game, you've already fed in to what he believes is real, and its hard to go back after that. I know I'm probably not making much sense here, but it's simple psychology, really. Some demented people will accept ANY acknowledgement as permission to continue what they are doing.

 

Just be careful. He could just be some old man being weird, or he could be someone you don't want to mess with. Only you know. I would suggest pretending like you never even got the letter for a while and see what happens. If he confronts you or does something else, then I would ask him to stop and tell him he is making you uncomfortable [but in a very, nice subtle way]. Go from there.

 

(I had a landlord like this...lived right below me too ](*,) )

[digger11]

" About a year ago I noticed a lot of the neighbors seem to try to avoid conversations with him, so I did the same especially since I noticed that he is a bit off, and I have seen him walking alone on the street talking to himself. "

[bebeblondie]

" About a year ago I noticed a lot of the neighbors seem to try to avoid conversations with him, so I did the same especially since I noticed that he is a bit off, and I have seen him walking alone on the street talking to himself. "

 

Yes but prior to this we still never really engaged in any sort of conversations...it was always a quick "hello" in passing that never changed. I just decided that I would avoid any conversations with him if he ever tried to initiate one, and the only time he did was when he told me he found me attractive.

 

So him saying that I avoid him and treat him as some sort of "ogre" is a figment of his imagination, because a sane person would not think this way.

[HeartGoesOn]

Yes but prior to this we still never really engaged in any sort of conversations...it was always a quick "hello" in passing that never changed. I just decided that I would avoid any conversations with him if he ever tried to initiate one, and the only time he did was when he told me he found me attractive.

 

So him saying that I avoid him and treat him as some sort of "ogre" is a figment of his imagination, because a sane person would not think this way.

 

I agree, and with that said, I would avoid him at all costs. You know nothing about him, and it would certainly raise a red flag with me if an older married man told me that I was attractive, especially if I only knew him in "passing."

[anggrace]

I can understand why this would make you uncomfortable. Sure, attention is flattering, but a three page letter is a bit over the top.

 

If I were in your position, I would carry on like you never got the letter. Id just be afraid that a letter asking him to leave you alone might upset him. He's obviously very sensitive and I just wouldn't want to provoke another reaction. If you see him, smile and say hi. Like you did before. But nothing more than that.

 

If he continues to confront you about these feelings he's having, either good or bad, Id then ask him to leave you alone and let him know it makes you uncomfortable.

 

If that doesn't work, Id let your dad speak with him. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

 

Be sure to save that letter.

[citymouse]

whaaaaat.....

 

ok maybe he is a bit off but even you ADMIT that you treated him differently. I am sure he is a harmless old man.

 

Where did you get that from?

 

And why are you sure he's harmless?

 

OP, I find his behavior extremely odd and disturbing and creepy. Classic signs of early stalker behavior. I wouldn't contact his wife in order not to escalate the situation -- at this point anyway. Write back or have your dad speak with him, but send some sort of unmistakeable signal that you want NO further contact with him. Document it. You might need proof of it later on. Hopefully he will back off.

[citymouse]

Be sure to save that letter.

 

 

Definitely. And save a copy of whatever you write back to him (or say to him).

[bebeblondie]

Where did you get that from?

 

And why are you sure he's harmless?

 

OP, I find his behavior extremely odd and disturbing and creepy. Classic signs of early stalker behavior. I wouldn't contact his wife in order not to escalate the situation -- at this point anyway. Write back or have your dad speak with him, but send some sort of unmistakeable signal that you want NO further contact with him. Document it. You might need proof of it later on. Hopefully he will back off.

 

Thanks, that's exactly what I did. I wrote him a letter telling him to stay away from me and to not engage me in any sort of conversation when he sees me in passing or I will ignore him. I also told him that if he does not respect my wishes I will have to take this to the next level.

 

I kept both the letter he wrote me and a copy of the one I wrote him.