Why does the disappearing act hurt so much?

[DivineWine]

Why does the disappearing act hurt so much!?

 

Back in 2006, I found this site after a 3.5 year relationship ended. This relationship had a beginning, middle and an end that we both knew needed to happen. We said our good-byes, stayed away from each other and after going through all the pain of losing someone who had been a big part of my life for so long, I came out on the other side much stronger than I ever thought I could be. Healing after something like that isn't easy, but it is much easier than what has happened to me in the last month.

 

The story: I started dating someone I met online around the Holidays last year. By February, we were exclusive. The problem? He's in the military and a few weeks after we got together, he found out he was being re-located accross the country (and that he might be deployed by next year). Talk about a blow. But we were in a new relationship and didn't want to abandon it. We were so happy and comfortable with each other that people mis-took us for being married already. He talked about how he didn't want to leave me and how he had been married for several years and never really knew what love felt like until meeting me. He talked of a future with me. At the same time he had no choice but to prepare for the change.

 

So we continued our relationship, started spending as much time together as we could and were nearly inseparable. As luck would have it for him, he was being moved back to his hometown where he would be near his children again so he bought a house and planned to stay even after his military commitment was over because of the terms of the custody arrangements.

 

But I'm no dummy. I was worried that he had started dating too soon after the ink was dry on his divorce. I was worried that he had met is ex (at 21) and married (by 23) far too young and hadn't learned those lessons we all do if we spend our 20's dating instead of married and starting a family. He was divorced by 29 and turned 30 while were were dating. He said he loved me pretty early on and he once remarked that he didn't think he would do so well living alone (I don't think he ever had). All red flags.

 

After dating for 5 months, we decided to continue our relationship long distance even though it was still new, and that after a more suitable period of time, I would make arrangements to move to be with him so long as we had been able to maintain a LDR based on talking regularly and monthly visits. He knew that I agreed with him that we didn't want some protracted LDR without end. He knew I would move for the right guy.

 

Well something must have happened to change things. He arrived in his hometown on April 27, spent about 2 weeks calling and texting, but by May 18 we talked for the last time--although little did I know I would not hear from him again. After a week of not hearing from him, I was frustrated and a bit worried. After 10 days, I was worried outright.

 

And then I was at my computer with the TV on when a commercial for the same site we had used to meet came on. I got all sentimental and wanted to re-read the messages we had sent back and forth within the site, so I logged on for the first time since the year before.

 

I was so SHOCKED! He had updated his profile with details of his new life. New city and state, new job within the military, new house he was excited about turning into a home. I helped him choose that house, shop for furniture and decor and he had initially been excited about sending me photos of it put together!

 

I guess he got lonely and decided to try his luck online again. And yet I was still his Facebook girlfriend. I had to spend Memorial Day weekend in agony. I knew I had to break up with him, but I was trying to think of any excuse to forgive him. (Not that he was asking.) By the end of the next week, I viewed his profile one more time and he had made further tweaks, so I left a voicemail that I knew he'd ignore asking him to call me and then sent a break-up email 24 hours later on the eve of what was supposed to be my first visit to see him and 18 days since the last time I had last heard his voice.

 

I didn't rip him for going online to look for my replacement while ignoring me and leaving me in limbo as his FB girlfriend. There was no point. He knew he was lying and sneaking around and I wanted to maintain my dignity and not write an angry email. I just said that I didn't want to break things off, but that he left me no choice because being in limbo was too painful and that I had to look out for myself. I told him that I really had loved him, that I wished him well, told him to stay safe if he gets deployed and that I would miss him. I clicked SEND and then un-relationshipped him on FB. A week later, I un-friended him as well for my own good.

 

Since then, nothing. He never responded to my email. There was no reaction to my disconnecting from him on FB. Nothing. All I know is that he has since updated his online dating profile yet again. I'm left with so many questions. Why did he do this? Why couldn't he have been honest or at least offered me some semblance of closure after I did the hard thing and made our break-up official? Did he think he could just ignore me while exploring his options and then reel me back in? Is he still editing his profile because he's not finding anyone? (That would be very satisfying.) Why couldn't he wait? Why couldn't he even make it a month?

 

Why is the disappearing act so tough to deal with?

[pumpkinmoon]

I think it's so hard because there are a lot of questions left unanswered. I am sorry about this but I think it's good that you found out now rather than later. Imagine if you had uprooted your life to be with him? At least you know what he is really like. I'd take that commercial as a sign.

 

This is the problem I have with meeting people online and I don't think I would ever be able to trust what is said to me from the other end of a computer.

 

I think the majority of people on dating sites are just out for what they can get. Of course there will be the decent few on there, but not many.

 

Again I am sorry this has happened to you.

[mentee]

The feeling of abandonment is my least favorite feeling or probably the most painful. That is probably what you feel. If you've had issues with abandonment before, I'd guess his disappearance would be even more painful. I've been there before. I've had someone I thought I really loved unexpectedly break up with me, and although he did not drop off the face of the planet like yours, he refused to answer any questions or return any calls.

 

The pain I felt was from abandonment and the feeling of loss, mainly the loss of a hope for a future. But you will get over it when you realize where the source of the pain is from and that you are much, much better off. I realized it pretty quickly. My guy eventually came back to reconcile but I never cared to respond. You'll get there. Kudos to you for writing such a dignified email!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I was worried that he had met is ex (at 21) and married (by 23) far too young and hadn't learned those lessons we all do if we spend our 20's dating instead of married and starting a family. He was divorced by 29 and turned 30 while were were dating.

 

Dating around wouldn't have allowed this man to learn any lessons..he just would have broken more hearts. People like that don't learn....it is their ex partners who learn that there are wolves in sheep's clothing in the dating market. I have a sneaking suspicion he has been on the dating service the whole time you were together...and quite possibly even while he was married. I suspect that he may have been a fake and phony husband as well and may have done something similar to his ex wife. He just didn't do this with you...this is his character....a sneaky coward.

[DivineWine]

That's exactly it mentee.

 

He just bailed. I was prepared to stick it out he changed his mind with no word.

 

I wish he would have realized that doing what he did would only compound the hurt. Abandonment is not only disrespectful and inconsiderate, it makes you feel worthless. Like you weren't even worth a 5 minute conversation and a clean break. It has left me wondering if his feelings were ever real.

 

If he could have just told me somehow that he wasn't cut out for a LDR, that would have hurt, but I would have respected his feelings about it and appreciated the honesty. I had reason to suspect going in that this guy was one of those who can't be alone, but I still didn't anticipate this.

 

What's frustrating is that while I know he's bad news because he's either flawed or needs to rack up some more experience at dating do's and don'ts, I also know I'd still be vulnerable to him if he had trouble finding someone new and got back in touch before I was completely over him. Unless he attempted to lie by leaving out the online dating part. Then I WOULD rip him like I didn't in my email!

 

I course, my family and friends would stage an intervention so at least there's that to stop me from letting him back in.

[okiedokiestomp]

Abandonment strikes a chord in all of us b/c it comes from a place when we were too young to have any control over it as children, this is where the fear originates...understanding that though certainly doesn't make it any eaisier. For me, the hardest thing to overcome were the questions of "wow, I spent all this time with this person and this is how little they value me, our relationship and friendship....what does this say about ME???" It took me a long time to realize that I was looking at it wrongly, b/c it says way more about the other person than it does us...the other problem I think is that we tend to interject our own perceived actions onto the other person (how we would act if we were in their shoes) and this I think prevents us from taking their actions at face value...when a person tells you who they are...LISTEN...their actions never betray them even when their words do. You will eventually rise above this but I know for myself it was the hardest part of the most recent breakup I had--I don't think or act in that way so it was hardest for me to come to terms with how disrespectful such actions are and they cast doubt on everything that came before as well in our relationship which I think is even more sad.

[DivineWine]

it says way more about the other person than it does us...the other problem I think is that we tend to interject our own perceived actions onto the other person (how we would act if we were in their shoes)

 

You hit the nail on the head! I would NEVER have done all this to him.

 

I would never have let my emotions lead me to say too much about how I felt and talk of a future if I wasn't certain I meant it. I never would have bailed after so little time apart and I certainly wouldn't have ended things like a coward with no word, just leaving him to figure it out. I just don't have it in me to be like that, so thinking about how he could do that only induces a headache because it's so incomprehensible.

 

It's also so tough because there are things I noticed before but am only confronting in hindsight. He doubted he would be okay living alone. He was fresh off a divorce and quickly said he loved me. His dating history contained almost no gaps after high school and he met his ex by 21. Even the fact that we fell into such a comfortable routine stands out now as a red flag. All he knows is being someone's other half, someone's companion.

 

Or maybe he's a big liar with no remorse, but from the time we spent together I don't think it's that cut and dry. Still, explanation or no, there's no excuse for being a selfish coward and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

[Lori123]

I had a similar situation happen, and I wonder sometimes if I'll ever get over it. It was someone I had known for a long time, though not well. Anyway, it got serious very quickly. After a few months, we were planning a future together. Then all of a sudden, the tone of his emails changed. The emotion was gone, and he was back to talking to me like an acquaintance. When I tried to ask about it, he got angry. The situation dragged on for a couple of months, with me trying every approach from being direct, to pulling away, to playing by his rules -- being casual and unemotional. I got nothing from him but more perplexing communications. It finally ended when he asked me to do him a favor, I did it, and then instead of saying thank you, he yelled at me for having done it incorrectly. I told him he was a * * * * , and I was done. I haven't talked to him since.

 

But before things went downhill, he told me how he had been in love with me since the moment he first saw me . . . how he'd always known I was "the one" and "his soulmate." I just have no idea why everything suddenly changed; why he suddenly became so cold to me, and wouldn't explain why. Why can't they at least tell you what has changed, so that you don't drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out?!?

 

I hate knowing that I'm going to carry this hurt with me for the rest of my life. How can I forget about it? I have a wonderful man now, who loves me, and whom I love more than I can express. Yet this other situation STILL pops up from time to time, and it always hurts. Why?

[mentee]

He may not understand his own actions or emotions himself. So it's a waste of time trying to figure it out yourself. Closure comes from within, not from anything he could ever explain to you.

[okiedokiestomp]

"When I tried to ask about it, he got angry. The situation dragged on for a couple of months, with me trying every approach from being direct, to pulling away, to playing by his rules -- being casual and unemotional. I got nothing from him but more perplexing communications."

 

Yeah I can relate very much to this...they make you feel crazy for asking for clarification on what is going on. Like it is YOUR fault and you caused him to behave this way and treat you with such disrespect. I think this comes from deep rooted low self esteem on their part that they cannot own up to their own emotions and actions and so they turn it around on us as a self-defence mechanism. It's almost child-like if you think about it. They do not have the ability to own their emotions and tell you straight up "I've just lost interest" or "this isn't going anywhere" or whatever so they expect you to decipher their not so cryptic actions why you want to give them the benefit of the doubt of being a decent person that you've invested time, emotion and energy in and so we tend to hold on to hope more out of disbelief I think more than anything that this person we know so well couldn't possbily be treating me with such disrespect and callousness.

[Skeptic76]

Wow...just wow. A-W-E-S-O-M-E post. Thanks.

[Lori123]

...they make you feel crazy for asking for clarification on what is going on. Like it is YOUR fault and you caused him to behave this way and treat you with such disrespect. I think this comes from deep rooted low self esteem on their part that they cannot own up to their own emotions and actions and so they turn it around on us as a self-defence mechanism. It's almost child-like if you think about it. They do not have the ability to own their emotions and tell you straight up "I've just lost interest" or "this isn't going anywhere" or whatever so they expect you to decipher their not so cryptic actions why you want to give them the benefit of the doubt of being a decent person that you've invested time, emotion and energy in and so we tend to hold on to hope more out of disbelief I think more than anything that this person we know so well couldn't possbily be treating me with such disrespect and callousness.[/QUOTE]

 

That's exactly it. You're left in disbelief. The person you knew is completely gone, replaced by this mean-spirited, childish being you've never met.

[okiedokiestomp]

"That's exactly it. You're left in disbelief. The person you knew is completely gone, replaced by this mean-spirited, childish being you've never met. "

 

but sadly, that's just it...who we last see by such actions is EXACTLY who they are...while who we thought we knew previously is only who they wanted us to see. It's a part of them, sure...but the other half we face now gives the clearer picture of this person's true character.

 

That is why I think we grapple with the confusing feelings that abandonment brings up, b/c we feel foolish and duped for believing their original presentation of themselves and that we invested in an incomplete picture unknowingly. IMO, it was just a matter of time b/c an act is an act and given enough time, a person will always show their true colors good or bad.

 

A person with strong character and morals will never treat another person with such disrespect and callousness, will always be up front about their emotions and actions.

[Lori123]

but sadly, that's just it...who we last see by such actions is EXACTLY who they are...while who we thought we knew previously is only who they wanted us to see. It's a part of them, sure...but the other half we face now gives the clearer picture of this person's true character.

 

That is why I think we grapple with the confusing feelings that abandonment brings up, b/c we feel foolish and duped for believing their original presentation of themselves and that we invested in an incomplete picture unknowingly. IMO, it was just a matter of time b/c an act is an act and given enough time, a person will always show their true colors good or bad.

 

A person with strong character and morals will never treat another person with such disrespect and callousness, will always be up front about their emotions and actions.

 

Thank you for your reply. I know this, but it helps to hear it from an unbiased party.