Overcoming Resentment

[8142]

My GF is very resentful and angry for things that happened in the relationship. She's been very loving, and sweet on some occasions and then on others she's a raging bit*h. She says that she has a teeny-tiny amount of hope for us getting back together but that it might be a year down the road before that happens... she doesn't know.

 

I've been working on myself since we broke up, trying to be happy in life and change the things that caused the mistakes and the demise of our relationship. I have told her about some of my discoveries becasue she asked but then she says that she really can't buy into any of that and that i have said i would change before.

 

What else can i do to try and get past this resentment and anger she has?

 

I have tried honestly and genuine apologies coupled with action and she just doesn't buy it.

[hockeyboy]

You say your gf, but sounds like she's an ex gf? I assume she ended it?

 

What things are you apologizing for?

[8142]

Yeah you'r right she is an ex.

 

I am apologizing for having restricted her from doing things that she wanted to do. By "resticting" i mean that we somtimes had spat over all the outside the home activities she had. We just had a baby and she went back to work full time very soon and volunteered for three different organization plus a mom and baby group and also made time for excercising and socializing.

 

She has always been very busy and yet the way I communicated my needs was actually passive-agreesive, controlling, withholding of love, and generally emotionally abusive. I didn;t know how crappy this was of me until the break up and when she told me how she didn;t even like who she was anymore.

[FootofGod]

I suggest you learn to be a better man for yourself. Be the man you want to be with, because honestly, you don't have much choice, do you?

 

Rather or not she appreciates your growth is her problem, and I know we'd all rather have it that they do, but actually the best way to get them to appreciate it is to not do it for them - do it for you, do it for whoever will eventually have you, rather that be her or not. Look in your self, appreciate the things about you that are awesome, like your humor, intelligence, etc. where applicable and if you find something that doesn't sit right with you don't put yourself down, just start doing things to roll the ball in the opposite direction. You'll realize how little effort it takes to do it when you are the one who wants it for yourself.

 

If you can find the strength to be better for yourself, trust me, that speaks miles farther than "I'm getting better for you." It should be "I'm getting better because I want to be the best man I can be," and people can pick up on that kind of confidence, sometimes even from a distance. On that note, it's win-win, because the more you do this, the more you realize it's true, the more satisfying it is, and the more you really start to love yourself and move on!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah you'r right she is an ex.

 

I am apologizing for having restricted her from doing things that she wanted to do. By "resticting" i mean that we somtimes had spat over all the outside the home activities she had. We just had a baby and she went back to work full time very soon and volunteered for three different organization plus a mom and baby group and also made time for excercising and socializing.

 

She has always been very busy and yet the way I communicated my needs was actually passive-agreesive, controlling, withholding of love, and generally emotionally abusive. I didn;t know how crappy this was of me until the break up and when she told me how she didn;t even like who she was anymore.

 

Sounds to me like she took on a lot of stuff and perhaps wasn't attentive to your needs? I can see why you would be upset. Did she ever acknowledge that maybe she put her relationship with her husband as last priority in order to be able to volunteer at not just one but three organizations in addition to being involved in a mom and baby group, plus exercising, socializing and working. Where exactly did "time with my husband" fit into all of this? Perhaps she needs to be held accountable for that and not just totally shift blame on to you.

[8142]

Yes, thank you for that. It was the struggle that I was confronted with. The struggle to communicate to her that I did NOT want to control her or to give up her independence, rather I just wanted SOME balance. This sometimes become an all or nothin ordeal and when the discussios excalated into arguments and then yelling matches the resentments began building.

 

She did have a role in the issue. I just wish I had lived up to my expectations and that IS what I will be focusing on.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, things feed into each other. If you were emotionally abusive, why would she want to be around you? Her being involved in other activities could have served as an escape ... a step before her actually leaving.

 

If you were physically abusive, people wouldn't question her for getting involved. We don't really take emotional abuse as seriously.

[MalibuOne]

I think sometimes the person left behind is all too willing to take on responsibility for what went wrong. The dumper tells us, "I'm leaving because you did/said or didn't do/say X." We say, OMG, they're right, how could I have been so heartless, callous, uncaring, whatever. Even if we deserve some of the responsibility for the break up, perhaps we don't have to take on ALL of the blame (if there is any). I'm sure she had shortcomings as well. We all do. So, if you learned something about yourself that you think you should change, by all means, take steps to do so. Sounds like you have. But remember, you've got great qualities too.