How do I learn to trust her....or should I?

[Marco]

Been seeing a wonderful lady for about 8 months. We started living together in December. We're now engaged. I love her so much it hurts. Everything about our relationship is awesome...except for one thing. She has been single for many years and had no intention of ever getting married. In fact she was contemplating a bi relationship out of curiosity. She was a bit wild. To make a long story short, as we started to fall in love early in our relationship I thought we were both committed to each other and were not seeing others. After we moved in together, I was playing around on her computer and (yes I know i shouldn't have) I looked at her Instant Message archive. I saw that she had been doiong all types of inappropriate conversations, flirting, talking with guys about getting together, and even was talking with a guy she occasionally had sex with and was setting up a time to get together.

Of course I confronted her with all this. We had a huge fight as I was starting to leave her. We talked it out and she said she realized she needed to change her ways. For the most part I THINK all that is in the past. I have no real reason to suspect she is cheating on me....we're together constantly. I really believe she is deeply in love with me. But, she still spends a lot of time using the Messenger on the computer and I know she has many conversations with guys (and gals) who hit on her. This is partially because her profile online still has some 'provocative' photos of her on it.

Last night when i got home from work, i saw she had a message on her screen from some guy hitting on her. I don't believe she even responded back to the guy, but it made me uncomfortable again. I asked her why she spent so much time on Messenger and why she left all the photos on her profile. I told her it looked like she was still "trolling" for attention. By the way she still maintains a profile on a dating service. I must admit, she has clearly labeled her profiles that she is engaged. When i bring this whole topic up (haven't mentioned it in months) she gets instantly mad....which just makes me more suspicious.

She has told me (and others) that one of the reasons she was staying single for so long was because she felt that men introduced too much drama in her life. So I'm afraid to discuss these concerns I have fearing I'll chase her off. She said last night that she feels like she can't use her computer because I'll think she's doing something wrong. I don't want her to feel that way.

I'm normally not the suspicious type...she just has given me too many reasons not to wonder. I view instant messages much like phone calls. How would she like it if strange women from all over the country were calling me all the time. She says she doesn't look at it that way.

Also, she is openly very flirtatious when we're out and about...that always bothers me, but again she says its harmless fun. AGAIN please understand, I really don't think she is actually seeing anybody else.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[drahcir]

tell her: she has to chose between you or the other guys and she can't have both....if she doesn't stop, dump her!!!! you are worth more than to be cheated on like that...

 

Richard

[AB38]

I totally disagree drahcir! She might be very well trying to change her ways. You 2 are engaged, that say a lot right there. You need to trust her at this point, until she gives you a reason not to.

 

Does she tell you that she loves you, do you have intimate moments with her? Have you ever discussed her "wild" days? Do not snoop any more into her computer archives, that in itself is creating a climate of dis-trust. I'm not saying dont care about it, I'm saying trust that she is with you, and she may just be having fun flirting.

 

By not trusting her, you are showing that you are not confident about the relationship. (read the really long post by diglyd) If she sees that you are phased by this, it will only create more fights and eventually a possible break up.

 

Just be careful how you discuss her flirtiness. Some women are just like that and they will never change. It's just a question if you can handle it. How old is she? Chances are that after you are married, the behavior is likely to stop.

 

Hope that helps some.

[brokenpogostick]

I'd say that kind of activity would definitely have me worried. It's creating too much self-doubt. I would not like that situation at all. I'd say that if she continues this behavior that it won't be healthy for the future of your relationship. If you are uncomfortable with something your fiance does then she should have enough respect to sit back and assess the situation & try to imagine herself in your shoes. If she's not willing to do that, then I'd say she's not worth it in the long run.

[kissonthelips]

I say, lead by example. Chill out, back off, and do the same. Do exactly what she's doing and see what happens.

That'll probably tell you a lot.

[PromisingMidnite621]

Did you ever think that maybe shes a woman like me, and just doesnt really understand commitment. If she is anything like me...Shes a girl who likes attentions. And, wherever she will get it--She will take it. And trust me...I'm not saying that your not giving her enough attnetion cuz most likly you are...But what it could be is that your not tottaly listening or reading into the whole story. Maybe your thinking to much of weather or not you should trust her. And maybe you shouldnt be asking "us" You should be asking her. All im saying is that maybe you can trust her- You just dont know her well enough. Talk to her most- and give her more attention, and if you are both involved in sexual activites, ask her if there is any specific way she might want to do thing, dont forget some girls like to be wild in bed too---Its not just a guy thing, so ask her opinion more...and i believe it will help with the trust issue...for you and her.

[Marco]

Thanks for all the input so far!! Others please chime in!!!

 

She tells me I treat her better than any man she has ever known. She brags about me to everybody.

 

Sometime I think its me. Because of how she violated my trust in the past, I'm almost afraid not to be wary. But I do find myself getting suspicious about things only to find out I was totally off-base.

 

My main issue is with the online conversations. Her friend list in her messenger has hundreds of people. I have no idea who these people are or what their intent is. I'm sure most are innocent.

But it always seems like she doesnt want me to see who shes chatting with. Like two nights ago, I came in from work and walked behind her (she didn't hear me come in) while she was on her computer. I noticed she had several Instant message windows open. I set my stuff down and walked back by her just seconds later and she had closed or hidden all the message windows. Who wouldn't be wondering??

 

I actually think most of it is coversations with people she knows and yes they hit on her and yes she eats it up. But I don't think it will develop in to anything. I just wish it would stop. She insists nothing is going on, and even says she knows it makes me uncomfortable so she goes out of her way to not do anything to make me suspicious.

 

TO PROMISING MIDNIGHT...I have no problem with her liking attention, but most committed women don't go out of their way to flirt to get it. We talk openly about everything...including sex (and there is no question she is happy there ,....and yes she is wild there too )

I guess I just need to continue to trust her...but be observant.

[Cecelius]

Be somewhat protective of yourself -- meaning, if you cannot really trust her, just have fun with her but don't get overboard attached.

 

I would really consider discussing with her slowing down and seeing other people (you should never have become exclusive with someone you don't trust, whether that's because you are not trustfull or she is not trustworthy).

[squarepeg]

Wow sounds like this person needs alot of attention to keep her happy.

 

Now I'm not posting to pass judgements on her, but maybe to point out the obvious too you. She will always need alot of attention to be happy unless she finds another method to get her kicks . (and they sound like kicks..keeping a profile on a dating service..etc). Some people get there jollies from that, and by dating her you have to buy the whole parcel, jollies and all.

 

So what to do about that? Well from your post you sound soooo understanding, shes a very lucky lady. Alot of people would have found that kind of trash on the IM and left them.

 

What I guess you need to do is set some boundaries, or they will haunt your lives together. Can you live with someone that needs that kind of attention? You will not be able to fill that role in her life. Can you sit down and talk with her to see if she can find another way to get that attention?

 

Good luck!

[Marco]

Well a lots happened since I started this message string. I really allowed myself to trust her over the lsat few months and our relationship flourished. We get along very well. So we got married in September!! We are very happy and all the concerns I had were melting away. But honestly, after all that happened, I still kept an eye out for clues that she might still be behaving inappropriately. Most of my concerns continued to focus on what she did on the internet in terms of conversations.

Unfortunately, a couple of weeks ago, someone sent me screen shots of a conversation my now wife was having with another man in a game chat room. This was one of the guys I had caught her flirting withonline before. They were talking mushy to each other with sexual overtones. It was clear she was web camming with this dude as well. Of course, I was shocked, hurt, disappointed etc. I confronted her with it and she tried to deny it at first but ultimately somewhat owned up to it. As she had before, she insists that it means nothing and she promised she would never do it again.

 

I'm trying to believe and trust her, but this incidnet once again has shaken my trust. Now she senses my suspiciousness and I must admit have since falsely accused her of some things related to all of this.

 

Any advise?? Everything else between us is incredible, and I really don't believe she has done anything other than the computer stuff. But, my concenr is where there is smoke, there is fire....

 

How do I get over this? or should I?

[OceanEyes]

Every relationship is different, with different expectations. You seem to be the type of guy who wants to believe that you are the only man in any context, whether it be on the internet or in person. I don't think you and your wife share similar values in this respect.

 

I don't think anyone can tell you how you should, or should not feel about this. After all, you're the one who will have to live with the results of any decisons you make. However, you're asking for other viewpoints, so here is mine:

 

I am also in a serious, comitted relationship (though not married or engaged). I have never felt a need or any inclination whatsoever, to strike up sexual-toned conversations with strange men over the internet. I do flirt sometimes with old friends, but I know these men well and there is usually no talk about sex between him and me. Not only would I feel very uncomfortable with this behaviour just within myself, but I would feel like I was betraying the man who has entrusted me 100% and gives me everything he has. So I guess what I am saying here, is that out of love, respect, and plain disinterest, I would never, and could never, engage in sexual conversations with men other than my boyfriend. OF course, this is just my opinion.

 

Your wife obviously has a history of this behaviour, even though I'm pretty sure that she knows that you don't like it, and wouldn't approve. I have a question:

 

If she's still doing these things, even after getting married, do you think that things will ever change?

 

It seems to me like she will stop doing it for a while, until she knows that you are comfortable again, then starts it all over again. I can tell that you feel hurt and disrespected by this, and you have the right to be. I guess what I'm getting at, is that this may be something that you will have to deal with over, and over again throughout your marriage. Can you see yourself putting up with it?

 

I think she's disrespecting you and isn't all that deserving of your complete trust. Harmless flirting is one thing, but she's pushing it. Have you talked to her about everything?

[Cecelius]

I agree with Ocean Eyes. There are some people who by nature tend to do what they want until it bumps up against some pain for them -- in her case it looks as if she will continue to act this way so long as she's not getting any grief from you.

 

I also don't think that big drama or strained discussions will help. I think that getting married makes the stakes pretty high.

 

Personally, regardless of what kind of person she is or her values, etc., I think what she's done/doing is straight up not appropriate. If I were you, prior to the marriage, I would have simply broken up with her -- she's old enough to know right and wrong (with room to make mistakes -- everyone does).

 

I think you need professional help-- at this point where your finances, etc., could get messed with, confronting her may mess things over. You also need to realize that in her mind, she disclosed everything she did/does, so to her you bought the downsides too and the fact that you think its wrong doesn't change in her mind that you married her with full knowledge