broke up with my 6 year girlfriend.. was it a mistake?

[solost89]

Hey all.. thanks to anyone who reads this and tries to help me.. i appreciate it! k so this is the story.. me and my gf started dating when we were 14 ALMOST 15. it went great all through high school and now were both going to the same college. (in our 3rd year). all our relationship my gf has always had problems trusting me and has been very insecure that i would cheat.. or that i had girls on the side. (i would never cheat, nor have i given her a reason to think i would) i guess its just the way she is.

 

well usually once a year of once every year and a half i will start texting a girl who is a FRIEND, and my gf will snoop though my phone and find it.. then freak out. then i would break up with her for like 2 days and she would be like "omfg babe im so sorry i miss you so much ill never do it again!" so i would get back with her.. but then a year or year and a half later she would do it again! my gf was always always always looking though my phone.. and looking at the history on my computer. when girls start to talk to me and get to know me.. they end up liking me a lot of the times.. which is i think why my gf was so jealous. but i wouldnt lead the girls on or anything.. and I NEVER HUNG OUT with any of them. and my gf knew i would NEVER cheat.. yet she still would check my stuff. if my gf wasnt jealous and insecure...

 

i would have married her. no doubt in my mind i would have married her in a couple years (were both 20 now) we were the relationship people were always jealous of.. so this is where were at now. a year and a half ago (last time we broke up) i told her is she EVER looked through my phone again.. it would be over. she agreed. but this weekend i caught her looking though my phone again.. and she saw i had been texting this girl at my work (who has a 4 year bf and is 7 years older than me). and we just talk.. and i think this girl could become one of my best friends. but when i saw my gf looking though my phone i was so.. disgusted.. and fed up.. and had had enough..

 

so i broke up with her..for ever this time. its been 2 days.. and its been VERY hard. see.. me and my gf were unhealthy in that we pretty much dropped all of our friends because we would have rather hung out with eachother. so now my gf has no one to talk to/hang out with really.. and i feel like ********* about that. so my gf has been texting me saying she feels like she died.. and that i killed her.. (no i dont think shes suicidal) but I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

 

her being hurt like this kills me.. and to think of her with another guy.. kills me too! but i simply can not marry someone who is jealous and insecure! what do you guys think? i think i should go 1-2 months of NO CONTACT.. and if i still miss her this bad.. then HOPE TO GOD she hasnt found someone new.. and try and get her back. WHAT DO YALL THINK? thanks to anyone who read this i appreciate it soo much!

[MrBigShot]

If you already thinking of getting her back then I would say stay. If she were to change that one thing, would everything be fine in your mind? Maybe counseling would help her. There is some reason why she has her insecurities. Good luck man.

[Lovelace]

Huh. Do you only text women? Or does she only notice the times you text women?

 

Are these texts remotely complimentary or flirtatious?

 

I'm thinking she's looking because she's finding little things every now and again that pique her curiosity. If you don't mention these women to her, and all of a sudden they're all over your phone, yeah, I'd be suspicious too.

 

And...I realize this may be just me, but I don't hide anything from a boyfriend. He's welcome to look through my phone, and while I don't look in his, I expect that if I asked, he would let me, or I'd wonder why. You've been together for SIX YEARS. You were considering marrying her. At what point were you planning on finally being totally open with her and sharing your life with her? When you keep things hidden and separate from her, it leads her to not trust you.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I think that are clearly two sides to this story. WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?! You are texting girls ... talking to other girls ... girls who end up liking you. I think that there is a lot about your personality that you are leaving out of this story. It sounds like you have some sort of ego-related need to befriend women to build your sense of self.

 

I know a lot of women who are not insecure who simply lay down the law and say that it is not ok for their bfs to befriend women. It's one thing if she was already your friend before the relationship starts, but to do this after you are in a relationship ... with multiple women .... some of whom develop feelings ... is so highly inappropriate there are not enough words to describe it.

 

Who cares if you say you are not going to cheat sexually, frankly? What you have to understand is that creating an emotional bond with another woman is just as threatening to your relationship. Why are you trying to become best friends with some woman at work? And it doesn't matter if she's in a relationship; people in relationships can cheat.

 

I think it's better that your relationship has ended. I think she should find someone who has similar values to her and hopefully she can learn to trust enough not to check the guy's phone. But, frankly, I think the phone-checking is an unhealthy reaction to unhealthy behavior.

[misssmithviii]

I honestly agree with Lovelace. Of course your gf has insecurity/trust issues, but I think you are not willing to do what it takes to help her out with that - in fact, not doing what it takes only makes her distrust you more and aggravates the situation.

 

You could've given her the world, but if you're still keeping your phone from her when really it shouldn't be (at least not for my relationship) that big of a deal - then there's no middle ground here.

 

My man helps me through my trust issues. If he is late at work at night, he'll make a little video on his phone showing me what's going on at work. Surely I could look further into it and still be paranoid, but he's always been consistent with me. He's always found that if I have an issue, it's not too hard for him to do whatever it takes to guide me through it. Now, I trust him. Now, he doesn't have to make little videos (although he still does just to remind me every now and then that he's a good man, unlike all others I've been with), because his demeanor, his sweet, nothing's-too-difficult attitude has led me to trust him.

 

My whole view on snooping is unorthodox. I believe if somebody has trust issues and feels the need to snoop, then true, that's wrong (depending on the boundaries of the relationship - as in there's no such thing as snooping in my relationship) but if they find something that only exacerbates the trust issues - then the other person should quit whatever they're doing that's hurting their partner.

 

After all, what's more important in the end? Talking to some friend-girl without showing your gf for her mind's ease and in turn losing her like you have – or just allowing your gf to see these harmless conversations so she has peace of mind to slowly but surely begin to trust you?

 

Once again, this is just my opinion. My man and I have always found things like this easily avoided. Whenever a girl texts he will promptly tell me who, and a little bit about her. He usually tells her he's busy and cannot speak to her enough times that she stops just because he feels like there's no need to cultivate a relationship with another female further than merely an acquaintance while he's planning on marrying me someday.

 

My man too has said that he cannot marry a woman with trust issues/insecurity... when he saw how much that hurt me, he realized that it didn't matter as much as losing me. He felt that he could prove his loyalty and fidelity to me in the years to come, and he already has been.

 

What I'm trying to get at really is that I think the relationship is salvageable with issues like these - they are easily avoided if both are willing. If she agrees to not attack you, and you agree to so simply allow her to ease her mind at will. If that is something you just cannot do, then that is your choice - relationships after all are all about compromise and boundaries.

 

Best wishes