Completely confused and hurt: why would ex said goodbye to me in the worst way possible?

[jennb0benn]

First off, I am new here and am glad to find a great site like this. Everyone seems supporting and helpful

 

Secondly, my ex-boyfriend of two years said goodbye to me in a very hurtful way two weeks ago We had an extremely deep connection with each other and knew each other inside and out, all vulnerabilities, strengths, and weaknesses.

 

We had actually dated briefly in high school but broke it off in a very ugly way when my parents had found out we sexually fooled around. At the time, I was 16 and my mother had hit and scolded me for this. She also scolded him and he basically didn't apologize for anything. I called him, Jake (not his real name), at the time for solace and he just said never to call again. I was crying and didn't understand why he'd be so cold and just leave....so I called again. He picked up and before I could finish my sentence, he hung up. That moment really stung as it was the perfect position to hurt me, I was vulnerable and blindsided.

 

Anyways, I received a brief apology from him a year and a half later and I forgave him. Other than that, we never contacted each other and life went on...

 

Until we reunited in college through Myspace. Long story short, he apologized (still) excessively and cried multiple times throughout our relationship for the way he had "abandoned" and disrespected me in high school. Other than that, we fell in love and were happy most of the time.

 

So today, we have been on and off for the past few months. The last time we broke up was actually initiated by me. I had brought something up that he did that hurt me and that was always being with his friends during the week and only seeing me once a week. I told him that hurt me because our relationship was on the rocks and needed to fix it...I politely asked for an apology and he politely said no. The break-up was civil until I the following day when I had told him that I was willing to forgive him and just be with him. He coldly said he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was so hurt and humiliated that he didn't apologize and that he didn't want to be with me...so I finally exploded and told him multiple times crying, "F- you! You were always the * * * * * * * from high school, and take your lazy ass to UC Davis!"

 

We did NC for a few days afterward. I felt extremely bad about the things that I had said and decided to apologize to him. I called and called, he ignored me and texted "I'm my own man. There's nothing you can say that will bring me down. I don't need your apology. Don't call. Get it? Don't call. Get it? Don't call. Bye." Being the idiot I was, I still called and he picked up. Before I could finish my sentence, he hung up. It was a repeat of our very first break-up. I took it very personal and always wondered if he knew what he was doing when he did that...

 

Two weeks later of NC, I am feeling okay and am just trying to forgive myself and also him. Some days I feel so guilty, like I had deserved to be treated this way. My self-esteem is in the gutter right now. My trust in people is in pieces. What do I make out of this?

[Honey Pumpkin]

I think he kind of deserves an apology for you to be honest.

 

He coldly said he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was so hurt and humiliated that he didn't apologize and that he didn't want to be with me...so I finally exploded and told him multiple times crying, "F- you! You were always the * * * * * * * from high school, and take your lazy ass to UC Davis!"

 

If someone spoke to me like that, they would *never* hear from me again.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but it sounded like you guys were in an unhealthy situation where he was expected to apologise to you all the time, and you think it's okay to swear at him like that and are then shocked/surprised at him being cold.

[FootofGod]

Yeah, in all honesty, you both sound like people who have a tendency to lash out without thinking when you're hurting and also a tendency to not take that sort of thing well, so you're just two crates of Nitro on a rickety wagon. It hurts a lot, but I think going no contact, moving on, and staying your separate ways for a long time is going to do wonders for you.

[d_lilah]

^^ I completely agree with footofgod. I think you are both emotional people and are equally in the wrong. I also get the impression that you are both as stubborn as each other, it's not completely your fault, and he is not to take all of blame either.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So today, we have been on and off for the past few months. The last time we broke up was actually initiated by me. I had brought something up that he did that hurt me and that was always being with his friends during the week and only seeing me once a week. I told him that hurt me because our relationship was on the rocks and needed to fix it...I politely asked for an apology and he politely said no.

 

This was not the ideal way to handle the situation. It left no room for open discussion and compromise. It was strictly assigning blame and making threats and demands. This would have led to him getting on the defensive and then the power struggle ensued. The end result was an escalation of the situation. Had you approached the matter in a less hostile fashion you might not be where you are now.

[jennb0benn]

He actually emailed me today (after three weeks of NC) saying that he still does not accept my apology and cannot say goodbye on the phone because he is still hurt, confused, and too angry to hear my voice. I emailed back saying that is understandable, that I am still sorry and 100% responsible for my actions, and that I wish him the best of luck in the future. It was a very stiff goodbye letter from his end. I said goodbye in a bittersweet way. I feel better since I have that closure in a way...I'm moving on.

 

 

Thanks, everyone for sharing insight.

[DeenasRhino]

It's not completely your fault. Perhaps his ego and stubbornness is in the way. My ex was the same way, she was stubborn like an ox and she never backed down from me. After every fight, I would be the loser who came crawling back to her everytime. There really isn't anything you can do unless he changes himself.