Best Friend trying to help or not helping at all.....????

[LovelyLust]

I've been seeing this guy several months now ( i wrote about him in my last thread) we've had some ups and downs in our friendship but we both decieded that we really did like each other and that we are going to try and work things out. I kinda feel like that us working things out will be a waste of time but thats b\c im now discouraged about our relationship. Here's the problem: My best friend who is also my niece (she's 2 yrs younger than me) doesn't like the guy im seeing she's been there with me through the good times and bad times with him, I tell her everything. She tells me all the time how much she doesn't like him and it makes me very uncomfortable b\c Im still seeing him. Ive never told her this b\c im afraid that she will think that im choosing him over her which is not the case I really wish that they could get along. He doesn't have a problem with her though. He and I have been going through alot lately and i go to her b\c she is the only person i trust and confide in and she's always there to listen but lately she seems as if she's just tired of hearing me talk about it. I will admit I talk about me and him alot but its not always bad or good its both. If we are on the phone she will say she has to hang up or if she's at my house she will leave or act mad that im either on the phone with him or talking to her about him. She's a very nice person and doesn't have an enemy, but i can tell that she can be jealous at times. I say this b\c when i first started seeing my guy she said that i was neglecting her and that i wasn't spending as much time as i normally did with her. Me and my bf hang out everyday Mon-Sun all day somtimes, it was really cool when we were younger but now that we are getting older i want a little bit of space and i want a man. My bf and I are both single but it seems when I meet a guy and want to spend time with him she gets this tude like everythings ok go ahead and have fun but I've been knowing her all of her life and mine too and can tell when something is bothering her. On the other hand if she meets a guy i can't have that attitude, she will break events with me or won't answer my calls when she's all wrapped up in a guy but she makes me feel crappy for even wanting to go hang out with my guy friends instead of clubbing with her. I really think we spend too much time together and need our own space but I don't know how to tell her. We are each others best friend and everyone knows that even our other friends and my other nieces see it and sometimes get jealous b\c we spend so much time together and do so much. Its weird i know but we have alot in common. I really like this guy that im currently seeing but she keeps telling me he's not good for me and etc. It may be true but i want to see this for myself i know that i may or may not get hurt in the end but i am the only person that can live my life and learn from my mistakes and so on. Her always bad mouthing him kinda makes me mad b\c whenever i thought that a guy wasn't right for her I would just say I don't like him and that would be all she has to see for herself what kind of person the guy really is. She's the one that has to learn same with me and it irritates me that she always has to voice her opinion. I just want to know what you guys think of this b\c Im going thru alot of things trying to get my life in order and im feeling a little depressed and I always run to my bf but all this is making me want to run from her. I just want to be happy again someday soon...

[preciousgirl82]

First, your bestfriend/niece's behavior is very common. Ive had many friends who complained that i was neglecting them when i spent time with my boyfriend. Oh, but how things changed when they got into a relationship and i accused them of doing the same thing. They tried their best to convince me i was crazy. Women are funny like that no matter how close you are and how much you think they are your friend.

 

Second, you said that you confide in her very much about your guy. You tell her both the bad and the good but, trust me, people tend to remember negative things more than positive ones. She is entitled to her opinion and if you dont want to hear it then it may be best not to talk to her about him so much. If anything, when you want to vent about the negative things maybe wirte ina journal or confide in someone who is less in a position to be judgmental. The more you complain about your relationship to people the more they are going to question if he is right for you. Eventually people stop listening when they feel you vent but you dont change your situation.

Most importantly, if your bff means so much to you, take the time to determine why she doesnt like your guy. If she loves you so much then im sure she wants the best for you. Maybe she can see something you cant and just wants someone better for you.

[tadams]

This is a very common problem in friendships. Sometimes, friends get so close that they think they are entitled to trying to change their friend's mind... You're right in the fact that it's YOUR life. She is acting a little immature by "bad mouthing" him. I think she needs to find a better way of giving you constructive loving advice. I have had a strong dislike for some of my friends boyfriends, and I am always honest with my friends. However, I try to put myself in their shoes. I realized a long time ago, that all I can do is be here for my friends and ultimately let them learn the price themselves. I don't like to be told what to do either. Your friend should realize that she can't be with you 24/7. If you and she are so close, she should understand that you won't choose her over a guy- and I hope you wouldn't..

 

She could be afraid to lose you or even jealous that she doesn't have a guy... Try to keep your anger or irritability at a minimum, and tell her that if she doesn't allow you to have your space, you'll have to find a way to create that space that you deserve. Tell her that while you appreciate her efforts, it comes accross very insulting to you and that you want her support and advice but you are afraid to come to her because it's often negative. Always try verbalize what you are feeling, but it never helps to assume things. You and your friend are VERY close, so I'm sure this is just a little bump in the road for you two. Best wishes!

[LovelyLust]

The negative things have really made her not like him she doesn't see that we get alone great of have plenty in common. She seems to have a better judge of peoples character than i do so she may see something that i don't but i just want to see it for myself and thats whats the big problem between us, she wants to tell me what to do and i just want to see for myself..Thank you your post was very helpful

[LovelyLust]

I would never choose a guy over my bff thats in the bff rule book lol but Im afraid that if we dont create that space i won't find the right guy for me not saying that this guy is Mr Right but, Im 23 ( 24 Jul 26) and a single mother and im ready to find my husband but b\c she's always moody when i meet a guy and go out with him and i don't want her to feel im ditching her for some guy, I don't feel like i'll ever meet Mr Right and if he does come along I'll feel bad for ditching her...UGGGGHHH

[tadams]

Just tell her that... that you need to find out things for yourself. There's really nothing you can do to change her behavior. Make sure you have a chat with her because nothing will change or get better if you don't. Reassure her that she is very special to you and that no one could take her place. She sounds very insecure with the friendship. Be firm, but also acknowledge her feelings.