BUCKLE UP FOR THIS ONE...

[Animosity]

Wow, here is a wild breakup story. Please forgive the tone of this, its 1 in the morning here and I am pretty wired.

 

Ok, basically, I had been dating this girl for 6 (read S-I-X) years when the week of my law school graduation, she informs me that she would "like her space." At first, it was difficult to take this declaration very seriously. At this point in time it sounded like a bad 80s movie cliche or something straight out of My So Called Life. As a matter of fact, I was half-seriously waiting for her to tell me she had started dating Jordan Catalano, but I quickly came to realize how "real" this was. She, in turn, didn't make the discovery process difficult for me by dropping hints like not showing up to my graduation and refusing to take any of my calls, emails, etc. the following week.

 

The week I had off between graduating and the commencement of reviewing for 2 bar exams (a process not unlike jumping off of a highway overpass only to have your momentum suddenly reversed in mid-fall by the grill of a speeding mack truck on the highway below) was mostly spent in bed feeling sorry for myself. Where, I wondered had this really fallen apart?

 

These questions started to be answered for me the next week. Apparently, I had spent too much time studying and not enough time paying attention to her during the final semester of law school. At this point, its very difficult to not view this as petty and rediculous, but moving forward... Apparently, she feels very hurt and alone. In order to share this feeling, she has, as of several days ago, put a stop to all contact with me. She will not answer her phone and will not even respond to text messages on a cell phone. I am not about to become the guy wearing night vision goggles and camping out in her bushes, but I must admit its incredibly difficult not to feel as if I am "owed" some sort of sit down discussion / argument / fight club-esque beating session after six years. While I put a humorous spin on this, its definitely a defense mechanism. I have never felt more hurt, betrayed, upset and confused in my entire life. Compounding this is the fact that the girl I have been sleeping with for the past 6 years cannot even seem to trouble herself to write an email telling me to drop dead.

 

I cannot even pretend to understand women's emotions, and perhaps I am just venting, but this is honestly straining my emotional capacity to a level far beyond what I had thought to be its breaking point. Oh, and as far as the bar examS go, we don't know yet- I am about 5 weeks from them and dealing with this. What is classically known as one of the lowest / scariest points of my professional life is further intensified by the seemingly capricious end to my long term relationship. Part of me wants to slap me accross the face like Charlie Murphy and tell myself "PULL IT TOGETHER, MAN" but disturbingly, the larger part of me wants to call her like an idiot and look for answers I will probably be unsatisfied by if they even exist in the first place. I want to have my say but I also just wish the situation would just go away, for better or for worse.

 

I don't really have any questions, per se, outside of the standard issue stuff i'm seeing on these boards, ie, why did she hook up with me last week and tell me she wanted to work on things only to play the ignore game again now, etc. but who knows, maybe this is just a self indulgent posting. If you couldn't determine from reading up to this point, aside from the anger, sadness, and sense of loss, perhaps more than anything, I am confused. I wish my guinea pig, Ceaser, was still alive. He would totally know what to do.

 

What does everyone think?

[ang3l2004]

Wow first off your post was very interesting to read and made me laugh at a couple of the jokes you put in,But seriously im sorry your going through this 6 years is a very long time not to mention her not calling answering phone or talking to you after 6 years must be pretty hard.Well right now mabe you should worry about your future and worry about what it is you need to do to keep your mind off of things for right now,I am going through a breakup as well and it hurts and it sucks and you will get angry you will have on and off days somedays you probably wont know what to do with yourself,Have you tryed to talk to her atleast to sit down and mabe talk through this I mean six years is a long time and you know eachother well,Did you fight?Was there things going on at the time that made this happen?I mean this is harsh.Have you talked to her at all?I mean can you think of any reason why mabe she took off and dont call or anything now?Did things lead up to this,Im so sorry that your dealing with this and with your schooling and everything else that is alot to worry about,Dont smack yourself in the face ok!Your story is so sad and it sucks to go through this and its so hard trust me I know im going through it now but please anytime you need to talk please feel free to pm me and good luck with everything and try your best to stay strong

[melrich]

Six years is a fairly long time and from what you have written I don't believe your relationship is just going to go away. First I think u=you have to put things into perspective...the next 6 weeks are potentially pivotal in terms of the rest of your life..my first thought would be to prioritise..easy said...don't waste energy on the relationship issue...bury yourself in what you need to do in the next 6 weeks and plan to address the issues with your GF once that is over, you need to be selfish right now.

 

Once you have gotten over that you will be in a better frame to tackle the relationship thing...it does sound like weird behaviour...you sure you didn't kick her mother or run over her pet dog? If the reasons she has given you are true get out of there ASAP. To do this to you when you are coming up to such an important event in your life, not to mention potentially her life, is selfish in the extreme. Blank it out now..get back to it later...your turn to be selfish.

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi animosity. I am experiencing everything you describe, and describe very cleverly and insightfully, I might add. I know this lis a living nightmare of rage, confusion, doubt, sorrow, despair. And to top it all off, it has to come at a time like your bar exams, ,or for me, losing my business. So what can we do? The truth is, all we can do right now is ride this out. We must hang on for dear life, and the first step of it all is coming here--to vent, to cry, to be comforted. These modern times are not easy---there is so much preparation in the adult world. It just isn't like it was in the good ol' days when boy and girl met, fell in love, then got married. No, the adult years of our times are frought with so many obstacles and uncertainties--there are no clear guidelines for us, and so many of us experience these devestating "mini-divorces" before we finally emerge, bruised and battered, waiting to be healed, and then finally, coming out okay. No one really knows what to do in these situations, but we all know this--it will pass. There will be that resolution we need--it's all about time. Right now, your girlfriend is feeling emotions and thinking thoughts you are not privy to know--and we want to know!!! But we can't, and in this we feel helpless and utterly alone. We stare at the phone and wonder--should we just call? And why isn't she/he calling? What does this all mean? The worst of it is now, and it will get better. We must believe that. With clenched fists and gritted teeth, we keep holding on.

 

Your girlfriend is sorting something out, and it is destroying you, and here you are--- the one who has chosen to love, and to love with all your might--How can a person be so callous and go blithely along, seemingly indifferent to all our pain? Ther are no easy answers right now, but that is why we all here, here to answer what are lovers cannot.

 

Six years is a long time...six years of pouing your whole being into another soul. Just give this time---calm your soul and embrace the pain you are feeling. Somedays I find myself collapsed to the floor begging God to make it stop. This isn't something we can just breeze on through, and rightly so. Love is everything we are, everything we desire, everything we hope to be...and when it is ripped away, we cannot help but to feel crushed down to the very core of our selves. But you know what, this is real, this is now, and this will end.

 

Let your girlfriend search right now. You will get to talk again, trust me. A person who has drifted close to your soul for six years will not vanish without an explanation. Let her come to you in her own time. Until then, keep talking this out. Tell us more. Tell us whatever you need to. Just don't let go, because we won't. We are all in this together, riding that strange and ghostly ship inot the darkening waters of "what next?"..............

[t-dog]

Wow! That is a sucky break-up. I agree with everyone else on this board that now is the time for you to focus on your future and not on this bizarre behavior. That, however, is easier said than done. Understood. You want answers and you're not getting any of them.

 

Have you tried contacting some of her friends to at least appease some of your curiosity and hurt? I have been on both ends of this break-up spectrum. My boyfriend of two years, the person I seriously thought was the elusive "one," left me after saying he wanted space, and then just stopped talking to me and when I ran into him, he was cold, distant, and even mean...yeah, like I kicked his mother or ran over his dog.

 

Years later, I felt compelled to treat someone else like that. The reason? I knew I wanted out of the relationship. Just that simple. He was great, but I knew I had to do different things, I needed personal space to grow. But, I knew it would also be incredibly hard for me to leave without taking drastic measures. Six years is a long time to build very deep emotional bonds. Initiating the severing of bonds like that is a very strange kind pain. I felt like if I didn't cut off all contact, I'd never be able to leave. I loved him after all...but the relationship was wrong for me at the time.

 

All I can say is, let yourself feel angry at her. Remember the good times you had with her, and then prepare yourself for the road to healing and eventually forgiveness. People are very complex. We all express very strange and sometimes brutal behaviors at some time. Pretty soon, you're going to be a kick-ass and very highly-paid lawyer with a lady who's prepared to give you all the things you deserve in this life.

[speardane]

man, that's horrific. I really feel for you. I graduated from law school in 2000, and I know the pressure you're under. to have it compounded with an emotional train wreck out of the blue is terrible.

 

the main advice that I would give you is to do whatever you have to do in order to get your studying in for the bar. that's a situation you have control of at the moment. as far as she's concerned, it sounds like the ball is in her court. obviously, she's got some things to work out.

 

what I might do, were I in your situation, is to write her a letter. tell her everything that you feel that you need to say. send the letter; know that you've done everything that is in your power to do at the moment to repair the relationship, and then try to switch gears and get the studying done.

 

good luck.

[bitterbear18]

I'm currently in an exact sort of situation.

 

I have four exams in four days next week and I've been in bed for the last week trying to recover from the flu I've decided to defer two of the exams for a later date - I suppose doing a BAR exam is higher stakes though!

 

When you're in bed trying to recover your mind wanders and it only exacerbates everything.

 

Bets of luck and hope things work out.

[caveat]

Wow. I have to say it again...Wow. Dude, you have my sympathies.

 

For one, I am in a similar situation in that my girlfriend of basically 5 years pulled the rug out from under me in almost the same fashion...and just like that, it was over (technically we are on a 'break' , but I view it as a breakup...). Its been over 3 months since last speaking to her. Frickin brutal.

 

For two, I took (and fortunately passed) the California BAR in 1997 so I know full well what you are up against. All I can say is follow RichGabe's advice. Be singled-minded in purpose for the next 6 weeks and focus on your studies. The relationship issues can wait...in fact, if its space she wants thats exactly what you will be giving her.

 

Hang in there...you'll be just fine. Time is on your side.

[Pebek]

I do sympathise with you. I know exactly what your feeling because I'm going thru a very painful breakup myself right now. My GF told me she 'needed time' after almost 5 years of what seemed to be a perfect relationship. I had to drag the answers from her myself. We had a sitdown talk but still I'm not convinced. I've been doing NC for 3 months now. The last text message I sent her was April 30. No reply whatsoever. Sorry I can't be of much help. Be strong, man. You deserve better.

[kipster]

Animosity,

 

I feel you on this one man and I'm also amazed that you are still able to add levity to your sitch (the charlie murphy piece was classic ) which I know is nothing easy. . And Romantic also wrote with sheer elegance in the provided advice. My EX pulled the rug from under my feet in the same fashion, right before graduation in a grad program when presumably I needed her the most. And that was after 7+ years and an engagement. So I know where you're coming from. Just hang in there. If she doesn't want to call you, don't force it. But I guarantee you she will call you at some time, this I know. After 6 years you don't simply uproot the person out of your system in 6 minutes. And believe it or not, its tearing her up just like its tearing you up. I know its hard to believe, but don't think she's not 'feeling it' and taking a Charlie Murphy 'pimp slap' just like you are. You know why? Because she know's you're going to be successful! She can't deny that? And what's the liklihood of her meeting a person like you that can take care of her, at a club or a bar? Next to nil. And do you honestly think she wouldn't be pissed to see you with the next woman after already putting in 6 years of work? Ohhhh...She'll be back....PUt your last buck on that...Good men are hard to find and good SUCCESSFUL men are even harder to find...Trust me, although you don't see it now, you're in the cat-birds seat and you don't even know it...and when she does come back if you give her exactly what she's asking for 'space' it will be your show to run as you like because you weren't abusive and although you may have 'neglected her' (I got the same lame excuse) there was a logical reason and she KNEW that before hand when she got involved with you and what your career goals were. She knew that and signed on board anyway...But this is deeper than just your career..This probably has to do with her feeling alittle insecurity kind of like since you two weren't engaged (I presume) and you weren't married (since you said your GF) if might have hit her that you might bolt, marry a fine lawyer, and then she's left with nothing...Perhaps she panicked because she didn't have the committment and seen you about to reach your goal. I know its strange but I've learned sometimes with women, these things don't go according to how us guys think...totally different and emotional connections are vital to women...so hang in there...and let her sweat it out...Don't call her and when she does call...I wouldn't answer it too often...But trust me Bro...You'll be fine in this one...She's not going anywhere long term..She'll be back..I just can't say when for sure...Just don't grovel, beg, or plead her...don't give up your pride and dignity to her...she either has to come back on your terms or forget it...and don't worry..in due time she'll tell you EXACTLY why she left...She probably feels at this time like if you really knew her well You'd know and she shouldn't HAVE TO TELL YOU...But you'll get better....for now Take care of the SURE THING...then later deal with the peripheral issues as the other posters have mentioned...and also, make sure that if she does see you...You're always happy and smiling...Never see her sad....

[piscesprincess]

First of all, you just accomplished something which does take dedication & work. My b/f sis garduated law schol when she was my age-23...for 3 years, she had "no life" (i.e. no social life/dating). Studying does take a strain on relationships, but you made the choice to forge aead. It's so sad b/c you were at the finish line about to break the tape when she sad "good-bye". I believ it was selfish of her (what is she doing towards her future goals?)

 

Sometimes, people only think of themselves. You seem intelligent, so I think you know her motivatin behind breakup. We women are complex. she expects you to read her mind. Just talk to her...eveyone knows communication is imperative in any sucessful relationship that lasts. 6 years is a long time- don't throw it away- tell her how you feel about the breakup- be honest & bon chance