Torn, don't know what do to - pls help :-(

[cremegg]

Hi All

 

Sorry if this is not in the right place - so many to choose from!!

 

I have been with my partner for 6 years. He is warm, funny, kind, intelligent, good looking, hard working and a fantastic dad to my daughter (he's not biological father but considers her his daughter). We have a lovely family life, we get on well, no arguments at all, have the typical happy family life of a dog, beautiful home, holiday home abroad, we get on great with each other and each other's friends and families. But... I've never felt that raw animal spark for him, never felt that burning desire to have him, to be with him, the butterflies, the passion. I've always thought oh well that's not important, we have a lovely family and that is more valuable than anything else. We were friends and fell into a relationship and 6 years later, here we are and I thought it was forever, after all we don't fight, I had no intention of meeting anyone else and I am sure he wouldn't/didn't either. I have gotten into a comfort zone, life passes by, each day the same. Work, home, tea, TV, kiss on cheek, go to sleep. Sex is maybe once a month, if that. I have been away for 2 weeks, been back a week and he still has not made any move to kiss me or anything else... I don't feel 'desirable' but I know that's not because he doesn't fancy me, he's just not into passion like that. To be honest, it's always been this way with us, even at the start. I'm not complaining about that because that's the way that my partner is... calm, laid back and he's a lovely guy. But I am only in my 20's, I need to feel alive again.

 

Here's the complication. I recently met someone who makes me feel all of the passion all of the fire ("M"). I have never felt this strong attraction to anyone (including the relationship from my past before my partner, who I thought was the Big Love) the minute we met there was electricity and those around us saw it immediately. There are photos of us together and you can see the look on our faces, even though we are just talking, they tell so much and even innocent photos look very intimate. He is gorgeous, he makes me feel so alive, massive butterflies, nervous, excited. You know when you have the perfect idea of a partner, well he is it for me. He ticks all the boxes. I fancy him like mad, we are charged up about each other. He is a great person, polite, intelligent, funny, speaks 3 languages (something I am so interested in), even his appearance is my 'ideal' look (dark hair, caramel skin, big dark eyes, athletic build, big wide cheeky smile with perfect white teeth). And he's as head over heels about me as I am him. He lives abroad at the mo, which makes it easier as it means temptation is not on my doorstep, but he's due to come here after Christmas to live again.

 

I realise that for me to be attracted to someone else, it means that there is something lacking in my relationship, I also know that what is lacking is that attraction, that buzz, the desire, the heat. I have thought long and hard about it and asked myself whether this big attraction I feel toward M is because he's fun, exciting, gorgeous and I've built some ideal of him/ a man and that is what I am drawn to, not him per se. But no, I can say it's not just that. If that was the case, I would have been 'tempted' by others and I haven't. M is in a different league to anything or anyone I have ever encountered.

 

I feel so so bad about my partner. I have not slept with M and it took all of our resolve to not do that. I have to admit that we did kiss and it felt so right, but we stopped it there as I really don't want to be 'The Cheat' and hurt my partner who is such a great bloke he deserves better than that. M wants to be with me but properly, not as part of a hidden secret behind people's backs, He said he will wait for me as long as it takes me to decide but if I choose to stay where I am, he will be gutted but will understand and will do what I want e.g. for him to walk away if I wanted him to. We speak every day on MSN, text and phone calls. I miss him so much and I can't concentrate on anything but him, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I feel awful as I feel like my heart is somewhere else and it's horrible to do that to my partner, this is far worse to do to someone than a drunken One Nighter.

 

I am so confused, I don't know what to do for the best. On paper, staying with my partner is the most sensible as he is solid, we have this lovely life. I really don't want to hurt him, I couldn't bear to see him in pain, he's so nice and gentle and kind. I tell myself that to fix it, I need to tell my partner that I need more spark but to be fair that is not his fault, it's from inside of me and even a romantic night in/out I know I would be thinking of someone else, how horrible is that we're due to go away for the weekend soon, something that has been booked for over a year now, but I am terrified that he will sense something isn't right for me. And yet I can't bear the thought of him not being in my life, I can't imagine not sitting at night with him watching TV, his little habits that make me laugh, everything he is and the way he is. We laugh, we have the same sense of humour, I love the way he has all this general knowledge about things that nobody else knows (not in a bragging way), I love his wit, how he makes me laugh and gets my stupid sense of humor. The way he can handle my family's quirks (they're lovely but not easy!) He's my best friend and I am his, perhaps it should have stayed that way? How can I tell him the truth or walk away from him? I'm so torn and I don't want to do this, I hate it.

 

My heart says that M is The One. I can't let him go easily, it's like giving up my soul mate, the type of connection that is so rare that I didn't believe it existed. Yet I have this dread at leaving my partner. I won't lead a double life, I can't treat my partner like that, he deserves better. I have to choose which path to take. what shall I do? I am so torn - I never believed that you could love two people at the same time, I was wrong - you can and I do

 

Thank you

x

[iBroken]

If you cant decide, tell your partner whats going on and let him decide for you.

 

Im sure he will make the decision right quick.

[mca1975]

You are having a kind of seven-year itch and this handsome amazing guy has come along and knocked you off your feet. It is because the spark is missing from you and your lovely partner's relationship. This happens over time. I think you need to speak to your partner about this as soon as possible. Tell him how you feel, don't shut him out. He may be feeling the same.

 

Do you really think that M wants to really be with you or is he just saying that, what's his past history relationship-wise?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

There are a lot of neurotransmitters and hormones pumping in your body right now, you're infatuated with a decoy who fits your layover needs. I'm sure you do not meet all the needs of your partner, but he lives with it and enjoys your relationship for what it is. He should be asking for more from you, just like you should be asking for more from him.

 

It is good that you're contemplating things before you've completely decimated the lives of your family members, but you've already crossed the line, you know it and it is too late.

 

Say you leave your partner for a wonderful life with this other man... no doubt, in any period of time, you will lose the spark and find yourself back to phase one in this vicious cycle of self-indulgence and need. Sparks do not last forever, they are not ever-present, they are intermittently present and it takes manual labor to reignite them once the first spark dies. You can regain the spark in your loving relationship with your partner if you both work towards re-creating it. It simply takes effort.

 

Your partner gives you the most basic of things in life, on top of giving your child love and stability. Could you live with yourself if you give in to selfishness and collapse her world along with his?

 

Think rationally, think ahead, lovesickness is short-lived. No one stays obsessively in love with anyone forever.

[mca1975]

Great Insight, great answer!

[cremegg]

Hi mca

 

Yeah, I think he does want to be with me, that makes it harder. There's a strong connection there for both of us. He's as head over heels as I am. His past relationships... he is the same age as me (late 20's) and he married young, they split about 4 years ago and are divorced (married too young, no big fall out just didn't work out). Since his divorce, he's been out on dates, but nobody that he wanted to have a relationship with. His sister has told me this as well, so I know it's true.

 

I would usually agree the spark/over time as that happened with my ex and I as we grew apart, but then I know that I haven't had that spark with my partner, not the passionate one anyway. We're close, but it's like a close friendship more than a burning desire. So how can I get back what was not really there?

 

I am definitely going to speak to him about it, but I am not going to let him know that someone else is the catalyst - it would hurt him too much and I don't want that. If I decide to leave, as far as he knows it will be because my feelings have changed for him.

 

Thanks x

[Cadence44]

If I decide to leave, as far as he knows it will be because my feelings have changed for him.

 

If you end up leaving him, you owe it to be completely honest with him. He will find out the truth eventually, and will feel quite foolish when he does. If you do not give him the real reason, he will assume that it is something that he can work on and fix. You'll have to tell him that it is nothing that he did or did not do, but that you are prioritizing that burning desire over a stable and supportive partner and a good influence on your child.

 

That way, if your new relationship crashes and burns, he will be less likely to come back to you, knowing where your priorities are. That's the most fair thing for him, especially considering he's surely formed an attachment with your child and your choice means he loses that too. You should not prioritize trying to come off looking good here.

[iBroken]

If you end up leaving him, you owe it to be completely honest with him. He will find out the truth eventually, and will feel quite foolish when he does.

 

This - spare him the embarassment of chasing you if your heart is with someone else.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Great post, no truer words. I'm guessing that if you leave, you'd still want him in your daughter's life? I would hope so, that would be so cruel to them otherwise, I can't even fathom. I think he will quickly realize he had been duped.

[cremegg]

Hi Iphigenia

 

This is the thing, it's not infatuation. I know that lust and attraction spends your head out of control but there's a connection there beyond that, which is what has gotten to me - lust alone I would walk away from. I am sure that I don't meet all the needs of my partner...I can't, as he needs someone who loves and desires him and only him 100% which I obviously don't. I have my faults that he overlooks. Nobody is perfect and I know I have my faults... but I can't help but think should I be saying goodbye to passion forever? I know that does die down after time/the honeymoon period, but isn't it important to have some desire, even if it's only a little bit? I haven't had that from day one with my partner, but I've supressed the nagging thoughts, thinking there is more to life than sex, than feeling desire and wanting someone in that way. How can a spark be reignitied if it was never there?

 

I've definitely crossed the line and I am so ashamed of myself for allowing that to happen. It doesn't matter that I haven't slept with M, I am emotionally involved and that is the worst thing to do. My partner is lovely and he will always be my daughter's father, no matter what. And I would feel awful leaving him and turning her world upside down...that's why I am here asking for advice and why I haven't ran off into the sunset with M. I also think that if I was single/no children, I think that the relationship probably would have finished a long time ago, I've created a routine and safe environment for a family life rather than for meeting The One and now, 6 years later, I'm hiding in my safe haven. But should anyone stay in a relationship that they are not meant to be in/fulfilled in because they have children?

 

Thanks for your help,

 

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to answer, it is appreciated.

x

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Passion and desire are very important, I hope you don't think I mean to diminish it. Certainly, children muddy the situation but I do think happy parents make for happy children. I maybe don't think you're dissatisfied enough to warrant hurting everyone (odd as it sounds) and I simply don't think that the passion you're feeling for this man is sustainable. I'm fairly certain you will end up in this boat again.

 

You said "if even for a little while"...would you be willing to just sort of bounce from exciting relationship to exciting relationship?

 

I wonder, too, why you feel certain you cannot find passion with your current partner? I think you should discuss this first with him before you write him off, in terms of his ability to excite you.

[cremegg]

The bond he has with my daughter will never end and that will never ever change no matter what I do to next. Whatever access he wants, if he wants her to go and stay with him on weekends or weekdays, or at any time. Then I would say yes. he is not the sort to walk away from the bond either. he is her father, doesn't matter that it's not biological.

 

I am not going to cover up about M to 'look good' and I don't give a stuff how I look. I just know that it would be extra information that will do no good apart from hurt him more. There is no reason for him to know, M is not local to here, they do not know each other. If I left, I would tell him that my feelings have gone and they will never come back - I would not expect him to start up with me again if things with M didn't work or even if I changed my mind once I had gone. Any relationship I started with M would be slow, away from my house, it would be a long time before he met my daughter. So my partner would have no reason to know my feelings started now, not in the future. If I do this, it will be forever. He's not the type of guy to chase either, it will be a break up with no going back.

[JonasWaingaro]

No one should be unhappy, but you don't seem unhappy just unfulfilled passion-wise. I would just say be careful you don't become fulfilled passion-wise but unhappy. You know? The unknown can seem awesome, exciting, and fun - until it's really known. A tough situation. Either way you need to talk to your partner and discuss matters with him and not rely on M for emotional support. That's how it becomes easy to not talk to your current partner (disconnect) and assume 'he should get it' when in fact he'll be completely blindsided since you actually shared you feelings/emotions with M and not the partner.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I agree with JW, this is what I mean. It seems like (in my honest opinion) you're pretty much set on the thought this other man will give you what you need and your decision has sort of already been made but it is a shame if you don't try to build passion and interest with your partner. I promise it can be done, even if it never existed.

[JonasWaingaro]

Oh don't be fooled, he'll know. Please read the posts in 'healing', it's full of people who know. My ex has no idea that I know she hooked up days after she dumped me, and had started the process before. It's the first, second, and millionth thought that goes through the dumpees mind. I'd bet a large sum of money that'll be his first words if/when you dump him - 'is it someone else?' Your face/words will let him know the truth, no doubt about that.

 

Your daughter is a different matter all together. Don't be surprised if M has problems with an ex around like that and asks for that to end.

[mca1975]

Be very careful, I think you will miss your partner so much if you were to leave him for this passionate guy. I take it you haven't known him for very long. What if this guy is not interested in parenting your daughter and what if his interest wains for you over time?

[cremegg]

Hi again

 

No I don't think you mean to diminish it passion, I knwo you're just highlighting the important things that are there. I'm not unhappy here, I just don't feel alive. I feel that life is passing me by and I've just made myself settle into a comfy routine. A friend once asked me if I was happy - I said yes - she said that I don't seem to have that spark for life any more and I know she's right but I've never admitted it to anyone, to myself, until recently.

 

Re passion with my partner, it's because of the way we are around each other. We're like brother and sister or best friends, not lovers. If there was a passion at the start, I know I could work at it, but without that being there in day 1, how can it be sparked up? He is happy ticking along and I've settled into that routine alongside him. He's a very laid back guy. Any decisions or ideas have to be from me, even down to what is for tea, what we do on our day off together, what film we watch, what garage the car should go to, if we go out (rare) and then any sex life we have had, it's always been me. If I did not make any move, then we would literally be celibate. After being away for 2 weeks, I got a peck on the cheek and that's it. I am not running him down because that is him, that is the way he always was and always will be and he shouldn't have to change, he was like that when we met. He's not a passionate person, he's content in his ways and he's lovely, but he's never going to be one who acts on impulse. I have had those conversations before, many times, when I said that I would love him to act more on impulse, surprise me, but nothing ever happened from it. I will try again, we're going away for a weekend soon so I really hope that something sparks then, but after 6 years, I can't see it happening now.

 

I an ideal world, this passion will fizzle out (or never started) and I will look at my partner with a new view and desire him and want him, but I don't think that is likely.

 

Thanks x

[cremegg]

Passion and desire are very important, I hope you don't think I mean to diminish it. Certainly, children muddy the situation but I do think happy parents make for happy children. I maybe don't think you're dissatisfied enough to warrant hurting everyone (odd as it sounds) and I simply don't think that the passion you're feeling for this man is sustainable. I'm fairly certain you will end up in this boat again.

 

You said "if even for a little while"...would you be willing to just sort of bounce from exciting relationship to exciting relationship?

 

I wonder, too, why you feel certain you cannot find passion with your current partner? I think you should discuss this first with him before you write him off, in terms of his ability to excite you.

 

sorry, forgot to add... no I wouldn't go from relationship to relationship, that's not me at all.

[cremegg]

No one should be unhappy, but you don't seem unhappy just unfulfilled passion-wise. I would just say be careful you don't become fulfilled passion-wise but unhappy. You know? The unknown can seem awesome, exciting, and fun - until it's really known. A tough situation. Either way you need to talk to your partner and discuss matters with him and not rely on M for emotional support. That's how it becomes easy to not talk to your current partner (disconnect) and assume 'he should get it' when in fact he'll be completely blindsided since you actually shared you feelings/emotions with M and not the partner.

 

Hi

 

I know what you mean. And you have a brilliant point re emotional support/blindsided, I didn't think of that.

 

Thanks

x

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Maybe you should try to find some passion in life on your own? If you don't feel alive, that is serious, and I suspect it might mean you're not really getting all you can out of every area of life, not just sex or romance. Maybe you could pick up some new and exciting hobbies to sort of jump start yourself while you try to build something better with you partner (if you decide on that route).

 

Just a thought.

[cremegg]

Be very careful, I think you will miss your partner so much if you were to leave him for this passionate guy. I take it you haven't known him for very long. What if this guy is not interested in parenting your daughter and what if his interest wains for you over time?

 

I will miss my partner, definitely. But I also think it is the companionship and the security I miss with him, rather than the Him and Me relationship if that makes sense. And so is it fair of me to stay with him when I know that? Shouldn't I give him chance to meet someone who adores and desires him?

 

I have known M for a few months, not very long. But in that time we have spent a lot of time talking. If M isn't interested in parenting my daughter (I think he will get on great with her, he's a lovely guy too but then you never know) or his interest wains, then it won't work and I'll draw a line under it as hard as it may be. It would be the same as any other 'new' relationship, you don't know them until you have spent a long time together and things don't always work out. But the fact that he exists and that I am drawn to him so much is what is doing my head in most, because M could be anyone, as strong as I feel for him, it's someone I have fallen for who isn't my partner - if I was happy, then M would have just been another guy wouldn't he?

[cremegg]

Maybe you should try to find some passion in life on your own? If you don't feel alive, that is serious, and I suspect it might mean you're not really getting all you can out of every area of life, not just sex or romance. Maybe you could pick up some new and exciting hobbies to sort of jump start yourself while you try to build something better with you partner (if you decide on that route).

 

Just a thought.

 

I thought the same thing, so I have gone back into education. I go to Uni full time now and I work as well as the family life. I really enjoy it but it's still not filling this hole that I feel inside. The only time I feel it go away is when I think of M. I know that's bad. The thought of me spending the rest of my life feeling like this terrifies me. I lost my sister when she was the age that I am now. maybe that's connected to this need to shake my life back up or the reason why I settled into a comfortable and safe lifestyle, I don't know, would have to go to psychologists for that one lol. I just know that when I think of him or talk to him, life clicks into place again and I feel like the old me.

 

 

thanks everyone for your help and advice - I'm still undecided of what I want to do and what I should be doing, but it helps to think about other angles and perspectives x

[JonasWaingaro]

I hear ya. I would add this, that passion for life, spark if you will (for life not romance), never comes from another person. That is within you. You have to go out there and find what makes you passionate for living - we all do. The second you rely on someone else for that spark of life, you put a tremendous pressure on them. It's impossible to live up to. Right? Other people can be catalyst to getting out there and doing things for sure. It's still up to each of us to find and make our own passion for life.

 

As to the spark in the relationship, that's within as well. It can be generated but I totally agree with you that it takes two. He does need to meet you half way. Anyhoo, try to separate passion in a relationship (M vs partner) and passion in life. Would it change how you feel? Would it make either relationship (potential relationship) seem different? They are different sorts of passion. One will always fade (for a person), the other is the only truly lifelong one (for life). Both take a lot of work and commitment. It's surely easy to be lazy! I know from experience. What are you passionate about in life, and what do you do to keep that in your life?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

What you've said here is telling. I am not a psychologist, but I have some training and common sense would say that this really isn't about him at all. You have fears and internal feelings that are being transferred to him, and this will lead to the inevitable failure in your relationship with the other man. You have not known him long enough at all to actually be in love with him as a person. Trust me, I've done this myself. He is so perfect and all of my problems sort of melt away when we are together but it crashed HARD. You're bound to get heart broken fast when you're using someone as your lifeline and the key to feeling like yourself.

[Catdancer]

I can speak as someone who was on the fence between boring companion and hot sexy new guy. I chose the hot sexy new guy. And I do not regret it. We have had some horrible times together, dont get me wrong, but I knew that he was the one. The one that I was waiting for. The one to have my son with. Sometimes in life you just have to hold your breath, pray and take the leap of faith. But you also need to realize that it may not be as great as you think. As long as your eyes are wide open, I say follow your heart.