Will I Ever Heal??

[ElizaLibbyBeth]

I am utterly embarrassed to even be putting this out here among you people, but I cannot discuss it with my friends...they do not get it, maybe you won't either...hell, I don't even get it myself.

 

It has been almost 6 months and I am better...can eat, sleep, go out and enjoy myself with friends...BUT, man...I still miss him to my core and have hope deep within that we will be back together.

 

I have no reason to believe this from anything he has done...as a matter of fact...he has not contacted me ONCE and does not ever speak to me during the exchange of our son...not even eye contact. He is utterly indifferent about my existence on a whole. In the beginning he was nasty, now nothing.

 

My head "gets it"...I know we won't ever be together again...we are in the middle of court proceedings and have both spent a lot of money on attorney fees and will continue to do so until the custody battle is over. It is past the point of no return. And my head also tells me I should not want to be with a person like he is...I have made the pro and cons list, been doing LC for our son only, and forced myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. YET...

 

My heart, on the other hand....is not so in sync with my head. I am not a stupid woman...so what gives??? He is still with the girl he cheated on me with and left me for....I think, as I have no real way of knowing. What is wrong with me? Why is this hope not going away and when will it go away...I pray for that daily. S*it...I even pray for him daily....and not that he will get hit by a bus either...for good things to happen to him and for him. For him...I am dead for all intensive purposes. After a 15yr friendship and a 5 yr relationship....how does he do it...I want to feel that way too.

 

I feel like I will never meet anyone again...which is B.S. I know this. But I feel so lonely and empty. I am a fun, outgoing, educated woman...I don't feel like I will ever have the energy or desire to open myself up again...too much work and vulnerability.

 

I guess I just HATE that I am here with this hope for no reason and nobody to express it to, much less make sense of it myself. I am so thankful for all of you here...you have no idea...it is one place I feel safe in admitting these things. I am tired of myself...wish I could get out of myself, if only for an hour or so...so I know what a wear-out I must be to others. Trying really hard...just need to fully let go.

[Eternalhope]

Hi and sorry for the pain you are going through right now.I remember 2 years ago having the same gut instinct that you have.

 

I had this feeling that I belonged to my ex and she belonged to me.It was a natural feeling.

When she ended our 4 year relationship I always practiced NC because I never wanted to force her to take me back,but I knew she loved me.

I carried on with my life,missed her,prayed for her,but nothing happened.

 

Suddenly she started appearing in my local pub(which she hated) but I was not there,but heard through my friends.

A good barman friend of another pub told me she had been there the other weekend too.

Suddenly she is back on the scene.I would have walked on burning embers to get this girl back when she left me.................now she would have to crawl on burning embers,just to get my attention.All I want is happiness,but not at any price.Just be sure they want the same as you...............HUGS!!

[JonasWaingaro]

You guys have a son together and a long long relationship. I'd be shocked if you were over that in 6months! It sounds like you are making good progress and doing all the right things. Your heart will catch up with your head. It'll just take a lil' longer. Don't be embarrassed! You are actively trying to let go and move on. That's all you can do, time will take care of the rest. You're doing good, keep it up!

[ElizaLibbyBeth]

Thank you to the both of you for responding. I know...time will help me heal all the way. And it means a lot to know that you both have (on some level) experienced this first hand.

 

I also love that here...things are kind of handled more with kid gloves, so to speak. I get "he is never coming back...ever" "what in the heck is wrong with you" "you should be ok by now" and "why would you want the loser back" from my friends...

 

Here, I guess the anonymous factor and the freedom to say how you really feel is truly priceless. We have walked or are walking in the same shoes, maybe different sizes and styles...but we all get each other. I think we all have HUGE hearts and have touched people in ways we may never fully know.

 

For now, I still have hope. And for now....that is ok.

[Im Steph]

I know what you mean about your head "getting it," but your heart not being in sync. But it's a matter of the heart really. Before going through a break up that feels like the end of my world, I never would have been able to empathize, but I now know just how overwhelming the feelings are.

 

I think having a rational understanding of your situation is good progress, even if you can't always put that understanding into practice, or shut out the emotions you're feeling. Remember that the ex is dealing with this too, and the way he acts is a way of protecting himself too. These are the things I have to keep telling myself too. Don't worry, we're here to listen.

[JonasWaingaro]

For sure! Hope is good. I mean a life without hope isn't really worth living. As long as you keep that hope in proper perspective and don't let it hold you back from living the good life, then it's okay. At some point that hope will morph into a new hope. Which will be okay too. That day will be a new beginning, the hope of a happy future with someone new (or old, never know I reckon). So keep hope alive, but focused on you!