where is this going to...??

[lillymountain]

hi everyone,

 

i stayed away from this forum for quite a while, hoping to figure out things by myself.

 

i am still in my ldr but i really dont know if i can survive it any longer....

 

we had a rough patch for more than 6 months now which ended in a break down on my side - i literally collapsed at work, due to too much stress: working studying and being basically the one who does the travelling (earning 10 times more then me, not joking, he pays for the flights)

i work at an intesive care unit and on the weekends i am off to university doing my masters degree - i still managed to find time to see my boyfriend twice a month (it is a 3 hour flight) by blocking my working hours.

my gp diagnosed a burnout and was close to perscribe me antidepressants.

 

in march my bf told me for the 2nd time that he had comittment issues, but that time he was more specific and told me that he was not sure if he could live monogamously......he said that and asked me not to run away and gave me keys to his appartment.

 

i tried to handle it somehow, but couldnt, especially because he made quite a few comments about a girl at his office he had seen 8 months ago for the first time and that i didnt use all of my female, sexy ressources.

 

before christmas i had offered to pause study and to move to his place - its all within the european union, so i would not have needed a visa or anything.

he is not european and needs to stay in england (i am from the continent) for up to another year from now on, to get a passport.

moving there for half a year would have been ok and actually feasable for me, and it would have been a way to fill the long time gap.

he didnt watn me to and made a big deal out of it...and that was when all this commitment sh** started.

 

it really hurt and it felt so unfair...

it felt so unfair, because i had made a lot of sacrifices to set up a schedule that would allow us to see each other on a kind of a regular basis giving him time for his also demanding work.

 

 

another problem: when we met he was not over his last gf, but never told me about her, till she showed up

and then he kept contact for another 6 months letting her know, when i was in london.

 

and the i got scared, very scared and clingy and needy and freaky, everything

 

 

he finally said he would commit, but i was really not over this broken trust.

 

one day he left his gmail open on my computer and i it was not a decent thing of me to do...but i went through them

and that is how i found out, that he always told his ex when i was there

 

i tried to break up, he pulled me back

 

the problem now:

 

he just sayed that we have been thrown a couple of months back and that he needed to find out if out relation was still his goal and that would take a while, but that he was confident and that i should just be patient and see what is gonna happen.

 

 

that is so f** hard for me to do!

 

what i would need now is a real and true comitment to be able to trust again.

 

i was never more in love than i am with him, but it there is so much pain and i am gonna fly home tomorrow feeling alone again....

 

 

thank you so much for reading this horribly long post

 

lilly

lillymountain is offline Reply With Quote

[cruzer]

Your not going to like it but, its pretty obvious its not going to work with this guy...

 

Telling his ex that ur in town or not is none of her business.

His unwillingness to commit is not acceptable.

 

I would call him up and tell him that a relationship is a commitment. A commitment to one female, to be hers and only hers. When he is ready to commit to you(drop his ex completely), let you know. Until then he is to not contact you.

 

Its going to be hard for you, but if u dont do it ur going to continue to be miserable waiting and working to try and win him over. a relationship is 2 people wanting each other. not you wanting him and him not wanting you but sometimes.

 

just be honest with him and yourself. its not going to work unless he commits. stop wasting your time please. find some other man that can really make you happy. if this guy calls one day and says he told the ex he is done with her and he is willing to commit to you, then go for it.

[Sweetkisses22]

There is no reason for him talking to his ex. She is the past, there is no reason for him to have her in her life because we ALL KNOW that it is impossible to just be friends with someone we're not over yet. And for him to tell her every time that you were coming to visit him just means that he is warning her NOT to call him or text him when your around and maybe NOT to come over. This guy seems very shady, he told you straight up that he doesnt think he can be monogamous. The guy seems like a real * * * * * * * with problems of his own. Please, I think you would be better off if you left him. Because it seems like he's slowly trying to leave you. The way you said that he said "he told me not to leave yet" means a lot. It's like hes just keeping you around INCASE it doesn't work out with someone else. It's like your rebound. Please please please listen to the little voice in your head that says run. I'm telling you this from PERSONAL experience.

[lillymountain]

he just skyped me and wrote heaps of stuff about plans for our future, about travelling, living in the states for a while, looking for a job, that would suit a life together....

 

it seems so freaky to me.....

 

i already decided today to leave it behind, and now he is calling me up and talking about that kind off stuff.

 

i mean, this guy has everything i have ever wanted, but a looooot of negative things as well.

 

and isnt this a sneaky try to pull me back?

 

after all he said i dont think it is love, that doesnt make sense

 

 

isnt it better to travel on my own or not travel at all and be with someone who is willing to give me a stable foundation from the start?

 

and, if things are so rough in the first year and you have to reconsider so many times if you want it....

 

he is really good in giving me a bad consciousness, he makes me feel like i made all the mistakes and that i am * * * * ing up every opportunity to have a realtion with him

 

but he already said so much

[Interceptive]

I think the fact that "he always told his ex when i was there" is quite enough.