The same old shiz just a different day

[Loriana]

Hey so this is my first Journal/blog w.e you wanna call it, i don't promise to be any good at it but i'll try. Its kinda weird how you are all gonna know about me and my life after this but oh wells...to be honest i would usually do this the old fashioned way and invest in a diary with a key lock on it and a pen but i just havent got round to buying one and i'm sure there isnt enough paper in the world to write down what goes through my mind on a day to day basis. But anyways i guess its kinda nice to have people read this if you're interested in my life (hopefully).

 

Lets cut to the chase shall we?, i'm a writer (so i like to call myself) its my passion its what i love to do whether its stories or songs i just love it. I figured i'd start a journal cos i need to write down my feelings i hate keeping things bottled up so here it goes btw this is just gonna be me rambling on about my thoughts and how i feel so if you wanna stop reading now feel free to.

 

So today is another pointless day to be honest i got up at 9 cos i couldnt sleep it was too hot it said it was 18 degrees on my HTC phone, well thats hot for me cos i live in London and we all know London is known for its gray skies and rain. So i got up made a coffee cos im kind of addicted to caffiene and watched the crap that was on tv. To be honest i don't know why i even bother to watch things like The Maury Show or The Jerry Springer Show its total and utter rubbish bot not like i got anything better to do. I wish i had something better to do all im doing is relying on some dude i really like and i havent even met him yet. Right now im waiting for a call from him but i doubt we'll speak now my clock reads 9:47pm and i gotta be up by 7am tomorrow so i cant really stay on the phone for like 4 hours. I wanna talk to him i love the sound of his Essex accent but im too tired atm. Its been 5 months now and we talk every day and its amazing how much of a connection we got and i really do like him and we can talk on the phone for hours and ive never had that with anyone before its really special. The thing that scares the crap out of me is meeting him, im not even sure if i wanna meet him. What will he say when he sees me? will he still like me the same way? i'm totally scared of rejection it would crush me if he didnt accept me. Hes an amazing guy he wants me to meet him when im ready and theres no time limit and i really appreciate that he respects me and everything but i know with me he'll be waiting forever. I have no confidence in myself and i just feel so out of place in this world. Most 17 year olds have kissed a boy, had sex, experimented with drugs (not that i want to), get wasted go to lots of house parties. I have done none of the above only ive been to one house party but didnt get wasted. I feel kind of unlucky like im jinxed i have to be kind of attractive guys have flirted with me before but ive never had a relationship with anyone. Basically im totally innocent and this guy who im speaking to is freakin 23 hes more experienced then me hes had relationships where hes just been "seeing" the girl how am i supposed to live up to his expectations?. He talks about his Ex's sometimes and makes jokes about them but doesnt he find it weird that i don't talk about my Ex's? he must know by now that im either inexperienced or just a private person. Ok well hes just texted me so guess he wants to talk on the phone or something so yeah guess im gonna have to call it a night.

 

Sorry my first journal is so long and jumbled with thoughts your probably all like * * * is this girl going on bout? i know if i was reading this i would be lol.

 

Ok well till next time,

peace x