I'm leaving

[Kumatora]

I’m leaving a 6 year relationship.

 

It hurts so much because he was my college sweetheart, but I came into a sharp realization that he wasn’t giving the same amount of effort as I was.

 

I worked crappy jobs (retail/grocery store) to pay for my bills and gas to see him. We lived 1 hour and 15 mins apart, separate states. Then I took a very difficult job assignment, which a LOT of people turned down, so I could move closer to him. Some of these people I worked with were involved in gangs, alcohol/drug, prison, or went through other disturbing issues in their lives and I had to educate them. It was the toughest thing I ever did in my life, with minimal rewards to it that made it worthwhile. I made a LOT of sacrifices, even risking my personal safety, to show that I was serious about my relationship with him and that I wanted to take it to the next level. We spent about 6 years together and I kept pressing and believing something good would come out of it.

 

He couldn’t pull it together. He’s 28 years old with an associate’s degree. He didn’t pass certification tests to get a job in the medical field even though he promised me he would. That was a year ago. He didn’t go looking for other jobs outside of the medical field to make some sort of income. He could have got his Bachelor’s on a paid scholarship (his parents work at a state college), but for whatever reason he backed out of it. His car broke down and kept using me as a ride. It got draining so fast when he didn’t get ANY job. Our fighting and anxieties picked up again. I started talking and seeing other friends (not going out on dates), and his jealousy picked up. I made a clear point that I wanted him to take more initiative of seeing me.

 

I am moving back with my parents in 18 days from now because my assignment ends. To my disappointment, the job didn’t turn out permanent because hundreds of positions got cut and workers with contracts took over temp positions. With his car being broken down, I don’t know how we will be able to spend time together. It caused a lot of tensions, worries, anxieties, and fighting.

 

My questions are…

 

1. Was it the wise decision to move on and break up? A lot of people I personally know say it's for the better, though I like to think otherwise.

2. Since I am out of college, is it too late for me to find someone to settle with? I hear it gets harder to find people once you’re out of school.

3. What are good ways to heal from a break up from a long term relationship? How do I cope with being lonely?

4. How do you pull yourself out from the fear of falling in love? This is the longest relationship I have been through and the relationship before that was when I was engaged, but didn't work out since I was physically abused.

[Citlali]

You have my respect for having the guts to walk out. I was in a similar relationship from which I didn't leave until he threw me out of his life. I felt pathetic. You are light years ahead because you have a clear mind and view of what you know you have to do (even if you hesitate at times).

 

You were definitely right to leave. He doesn't seem to want to do anything to better his life either for you or himself. He doesn't seem dependable or as invested in this relationship as you, which is dangerous. He seemingly saw you as a convenience, used you and didn't value you. He took you for granted. Frankly, you are much better off. He wasn't making any effort to work on himself for the better. One can only take so much laziness, lack of effort, and lack of work ethic from another. The way he approached jobs and education (with no effort) is how he approached your relationship. And just as the former was seemingly endless, so would have been the lackluster treatment of you and your relationship. You deserve better.

 

You can and will find better and it doesn't depend on you being in school. I found my fiance when I was out of college, so that really has nothing to do with it. There is someone out there, so you just have to heal from this and keep on going. You will find happiness, just don't give up on yourself or sabotage your chances by going back to this man.

 

The way to heal is to put your emotions and attention elsewhere. Take some classes, get a new job, a new hobby. Throw away everything of your life with him that you have. Block his email, his number, etc. Don't look back. You will cry, it will hurt, you will think of going back. However, you have to be strong and not let this get to you. Cry, scream, mourn, but move forward. Surround yourself with positive activities and people. They will help you along. Just don't look back. Trust me.

 

Best of luck!

[IvantheAvg]

1. You did the right thing...he's got to find a way to earn to be an adult...

2.No its not too late...besides you could use some time without a relationship, good time to find out who you are.

3. One day at a time, go NC.

4. No guarantees in this universe, all you can do is give, and let the chips fall where they may.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, you will be fine! And you are never too old to find a new romance if you want one...

 

It sounds like your relationship just was a dead end, where you have differing levels of motivation and your goals are different too. He's making you do all the work, and you will be doing all the work for the rest of your life if you stay with him. There are some people who prefer to sponge off other people than take the initiative to make something of themselves, or even take care of themselves. If you married him, he would probably not work, and you'd be taking care of him forever.

 

You have a lot of initiative and drive if you were willing to get two jobs and go to the length you did to make things work. You just need to find someone who is worth investing all that effort in, and clearly this guy doesn't appreciate your effort, nor feel obligated to make an equal contribution. So he just isn't the one for you, and don't feel bad or guilty about that.

 

I think you will be relieved and pleasantly surprised when you start dating someone who does at least meet you halfway. When you're with someone like your boyfriend, you don't really realize how exhausting dealing with them is until you get on your own and don't have someone dragging you down with their own laziness and unwillingess to be a grown up and take care of themselves.

[somberchic]

Be aware that when you walk away from the relationship, he might come back crawling and begging you that he'll try harder and that he's sorry...to give him a second chance....I've been there...many times...And many times, I took my ex back...only for him to revert back to being a jerk. SO i wasted 6 years of my life too... When you decide to leave...don't give him any second chances! I'm telling you from experience. If he is the type of guy who only realizes what he has after its gone, he's also the type of guy who takes something for granted once he has it

[Kumatora]

Thanks for everyone's replies. It's going to be hard knowing I'm headed back to my parents and don't have friends closer up to where they live. This just entirely sucks and I don't handle loneliness very well

 

Be aware that when you walk away from the relationship, he might come back crawling and begging you that he'll try harder and that he's sorry...to give him a second chance....I've been there...many times...And many times, I took my ex back...only for him to revert back to being a jerk. SO i wasted 6 years of my life too... When you decide to leave...don't give him any second chances! I'm telling you from experience.

That's why we haven't been able to break up. We broke up with each other for a year and got back together once I saw he was getting his life back. I really thought he could do it, but he ended up regressing to his old ways, which were the reasons why we broke up! I kept warning him, talking to him, breaking up and him promising BS... This time we did it for good since he just returned my stuff to me