NC...it's just so difficult to do

[sigh]

i always think..."i've got one more thing to say to him." or "maybe THIS will change his mind."

 

sometimes i just want to hear his voice.

 

sometimes i feel that he SHOULD know how i'm feeling...

 

for whatever reason...i just can't follow this no contact rule.

 

i've been reading everyone's posts and they say it's better with NC. but HOW DO YOU DO IT?

 

seriously...how do you just not call them?

 

any advice would be so appreciated at this time.

 

thanks,

~a

[Scout]

You don't pick up the phone and dial their number. Period. No matter what. THEY WILL CALL EVENTUALLY. I promise.

[sigh]

how can you be so sure that they will contact you?

 

you see, he did, we got back together...for a month. then he decided it was a mistake.

 

so i don't think he'll contact me again...just don't think it's in the cards this time.

 

sigh

[Chandler]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm going through the same thing myself, and this may not be too encouraging, but after 3 months, I still think about my ex and want to contact her, but thanks to this forum, I have kept to my NC. I must say though, that I'm a lot better than I was 2 months ago. There are good days when I don't feel the urge to call, and there are not so good days.

 

Some things that have helped me are: I try to think of the negatives of the relationship, find a hobby (I started kickboxing, which is one of the greatest things I have done), remind myself that NC is for myself and it is to help me, which is the most important thing right now, and I get on this board and just read what others are going through.

[curly183]

You just can't call him. Trust me. My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me not even a week ago, and it's horrible, but I refuse to call him and he knows that's how it is. My last boyfriend and I did not talk until we ran into each other 3 months after the break up. You have to have a little bit of stubbornness and a little bit of pride. I know that if my ex-boyfriend loves me and cares for me that he will call to know what is going on. How would I know what his feelings were if I was always the one pursuing the conversation? You just need to play the game a little and learn for yourself. If they want to know, they WILL call you. If they are too proud, they might not, and then that teaches you a little bit about what kind of person they are. But the payoff is getting that phone call and knowing that it came strictly from THEM. It wasn't them calling you back, it wasn't you aggravating them, it was their genuine interest in what you're doing (whether it's pure curiosity about how often you've been going out or to talk things through). Just tell yourself that you're worth it and you deserve to know that you're not the only one who cares enough to keep in touch. Don't grovel. Don't let them know you care so much. They know you do, but you don't need to spell it out for them. Make him wonder a little. Trust me, it will work out for the best.

[auburnslp]

the first reply was accurate, though not very compassionate, and somewhat in error. He or she was right though, there is no way to do it other than to not pick up the phone. Or email, or drive by his house, nothing. I am a week into the no contact thing and it is a nightmare. I want so badly to pick up the phone or stop by for a visit, but here's the thing. When you do this, you will find out what the other person's true intentions are. If he wants you, he will call. If he doesn't, he won't, and sweet, if he doesn't want you, then you don't want him. Take the time to heal, stay on this forum for support while you heal-I am finding it very helpful in my pain-and as time goes by, you will find that everything, including believe it or not this, happens for a reason. And eventually the girl you were before this pain will shine through again, and you will smile, and live again. Know this-there is nothing you can do to change another person's intentions. If he does not want to be with you, and this is the hard, honest fact, then no amount of phone calls, visits, emails expressing your love, etc., is going to change that. Look at the no contact rule not as a way to get him back-if that is going to happen he will do so, if you are willing at the time-but rather look at this time as a way to get you back. All of us are on this site because we are the one's who feel the pain, and in that, it is obvious what we all have to offer...and it seems for the most part that we chose the wrong person to offer it to this time. But we will heal, we will live again, and after all this is said and done, the pain gone, we will smile, love again, and maybe, most likely actually, will look back and thank God that it all turned out this way, because we will find someone that is not just worthy of the love we offer, but that returns it in droves. Be well, PM me if you need to talk-I am here for anyone, because so many have been here for me.

[left2wallow]

but what if they are thinking the same thing, what if they are waiting for you to call or what if they have found someone else like in my situation. What if they are saying if they loved me they would call. It just seems to work both ways and you may be outwaiting each other until it is forever over.

[auburnslp]

if the fear runs that deep, if you are truly unsure of your ex-partner's resolve and intentions, if the worry that they might be waiting for you to call and would gladly reconcile if only you did call is consuming you and bringing you to your knees, then call. One time. Lay it on the line. And listen, with your head, don't let your heart read into words and make something up that is not there. Now if you have called several times already, then you already have your answer. I would recommend letting it go. There is absolutely no amount of begging, pleading, or words of love that you could express to bring someone back that doesn't want to come back. My father gave me the most simple, basic, but true advice on all this I have ever heard. He told me, "if she doesn't want you, you don't want her." You see, the whole thing about the no contact rule is that it does help to show the feelings of the ex, and his/her intentions. If they don't call after 60 days, then they don't want you. I am living this right now, and it is the worst thing ever, I know. But it serves actually a greater purpose-it is truly one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it is also one of the healthiest things you will ever do-it is the true beginning of our healing process. It is during this time that things come a little more into focus, it is so much easier to see clearly when not looking through tears, you know? All the advice, or most of it, on this site is very true-get out, get busy, work on yourself during this time to take your mind off of your lost love. Employ the no contact rule for a solid 60 days, and see what happens-and no contact means no writing, emails or letters, no calls, no "accidental" run in's, no drive-by's, nothing at all. And here is what will most likely happen if you can do it-each day you will understand more-each day you will grow stronger, just a tiny bit, each day you will start to see the beauty in the world, and one day you will have the scab knocked clean off your heart, and there will be flesh, and the bleeding will stop. Trust me, I know this-I am not done by any means, but it is all true. Just start, today. Mark a day on your calendar 60 days from now, and promise yourself that you will persevere-you are that strong. My thoughts and prayers go out to you...Michael

[kungfumaster]

Thank you auburnslp for your encouraging words.

[curly183]

the question is-- what if you're already not contacting them, but they are contacting you? should you talk to them or should you ignore their calls?

[auburnslp]

well, that one I can answer...but it is up to you to do the prerequisite soul searching to discover in advance what you want-that is the only chore in this situation...

If, after searching your heart AND mind, you find that there is hope, that you and she or him could be happy together again, and move forward, then answer the call. Talk. Lay it all on the line, tell them what you want, how you feel, what you expect. Don't hold back-show that person your true feelings and intentions. The response you get will give you closure or hope-listen to that response with your head, don't let your heart get in the way here. If this person is calling just because they desire a friendship and nothing more, yet you want more-don't do it yet. Allow yourself the necessary time to heal first, then, when that is done, and the emotions are at an equal level, you could move forward as friends. Otherwise you are opening yourself up to prolonging the pain. If you are done and over it, and the ex is not, and continues to call with hopes, then do the ex a favor and tell them it won't work now if they still feel that way, because truth be told, if you did that, you would only be prolonging their pain. So, there are a lot of factors involved in the question you asked, but the answers are pretty clear and straightforward-it is pretty refreshing to say that, because all the other situations I have tried to answer to are so complicated and involved and sometimes, have no clear answers-just a matter of working through pain to become the people we were before the pain. That is the shred of hope for all of us, that we will be whole again, and find the love that we truly deserve, which is a huge and pure love, and I know this, because the fact that we are all on this forum proves how much love we have to give. We all just deserve some back, you know? Be well, take care of yourself, God bless...Michael