What is WRONG with me? Help please!!

[SpottiOtti]

I'm having these crazy mood swings in my relationship. I don't know what to do. I care a lot about this guy and I think our relationship has a lot of potential but I feel like I'm sabotaging it.

 

I have issues with being smothered and controlled. This is due to my previous relationship, which ended last August. My ex had to know where I was at all times. He wanted to be together all the time. He wanted me to text him whenever I got into my car after work so he knew I made it to my car, and if I was going out with my friends I had to text him to "let him know I was okay". He got upset when guys I knew talked to me or gave me hugs when we were out and about. (That's common practice where I live; they weren't being unreasonable or disrespectful.) He even told me that I was selfish for wanting alone time! I tried to accommodate him until I realized that he wasn't doing anything to accommodate my need for space, and that in fact I was being emotionally abused.

 

Fast forward to now. I've been seeing this guy since the beginning of March. He's caring, respectful of me, funny, has goals, openminded, not controlling at all, and all my close friends and family think he's great, which is important to me. We've had the love discussion, about a month and a half ago, and have both said that we want to see where this is going long-term.

 

I've told him about my engulfment issues, and he listens and tells me he'll do whatever I need to make me more comfortable. I feel so close and connected to him usually, and it feels great usually. But I always freak out and start dissecting him after we have a particularly intimate experience. For instance, on Monday night I told him that I was sorry if I seemed to be sending mixed signals (pulling away after being totally emotionally available), we had a great discussion about it, hung out and had a great time, then went home and had a very emotionally intimate makeout session before falling asleep together.

 

The next day I felt lovey dovey and thought of him all day. But last night he came to see me at this bar I was at, and as the night went on I became increasingly uncomfortable. I didn't want to be touched. This morning I feel so irritated with him, thinking he's too passive, he takes too long to get out of bed (ridiculous!), his life revolves around me (not true either). It's a gut reaction that comes straight from the amygdala - when I break it down there is no logical basis for it.

 

I don't want to mess this up! I thought I had worked past the last relationship. If i keep this up I'm going to drive him away. I feel so bad when I get irritated and distant with him, he looks so confused and hurt when i act that way! What can I do??? Thanks for reading, I know this is long!

[RKO]

omg this is EXACTLY like the girl i was seeing!

[SpottiOtti]

So . . . what happened? How did it end? Did she drive you away?

[Scott12]

Spotti,

 

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except reversed. My fiancee's ex was abusive to her as well, not only emotionally, but also physically and sexually. He too tried to control her every movement. Her personality can be like night and day, and her attitude towards me can change practically instantaneously.

 

I've always been a fairly open person, don't like keeping secrets, keep people up to date on where I am and what I'm doing, etc. She's exactly the opposite. I've had to learn that I am not to touch her phone or go through her purse under any circumstances (not that I'm snooping if I do so, just that I might be looking for some gum or aspirin, or so I can let her know who called). Those are things I'm used to, because I wouldn't mind if she were looking in my wallet for something or looking at my phone.

 

She often gets upset if I ask her what she's doing or where she's going. I ask not because I'm going to tell her not to go somewhere or not to do something, but because its a topic of conversation, plus I do want to know where she has been just in case, God forbid, something happens to her and I need to backtrack her itinerary to help find her. She often interprets it as me not trusting her and she gets cold and withdrawn and snappish. And it is very hurtful and confusing.

 

For my part I try to be patient and understanding. For her part, she has decided to start attending counseling sessions, which I will join her at eventually when she is ready. It may be difficult for you to change without counseling.

 

Scott