Ex-Girlfriend Now Contacting me after No Contact

[skynet74]

This post was originally deleted for colorful language and I never saw any responses. If you previously responded or would like to now please do. I appreciate it.

 

 

 

My ex and I were in a 10 year relationship. She suddenly ended it this year saying that she didn't have feelings for me anymore. I love you but was never in love with you talk. So she moved out of the house in January. We got back together again breifly from March to May. Then she pulled the same stuff that she did back in January. I begged, pleaded, cried and all that stuff that never does any good. Well on June 1st after repeatedly getting rejected and told that she didn't even want to friends right now....... I decided to Stop calling her. Well now for the past two days she has been leaving messages about computer problems she is having asking me for help.

 

I'm thinking to myself...this is a girl who broke my heart in a million pieces (Not once this year but TWICE!). Didn't care that she moved out and left me without a car. Didn't care that I didn't have a way to get to the Laundromat or store. Didn't care that she ripped our future apart. (Marriage plans and future family) and Doesn't seems to care about me anymore period. But after not calling her for two weeks she now has the nerve to come asking me for a favor!!! I obviously didn't pick up my house or cell phone when she called. She just asked me to please pick up over and over. I laughed and said to myself.... NO WAY!

 

So my question to you is..... Is she just using this computer problem as an excuse to call? (or) can she actually be stupid enough to think I'm going to be there for her after all the heartache she has put me through? She is not used to me NOT CALLING. I have never gone this long without calling and to be honest with you I think she feels like she is losing control of the situation and can't handle it! Afterall I have always been there for her WHENEVER she needed me. Now suddenly I'm not. I think it's making her think twice about what she did. What is your opinion on this? Is this a good stage in the process of getting her back if I eventually want to?

 

thanks,

 

John

[nick23]

Dont help her out....no way!!! Let her figure it out on her own, the way you had to figure things out when she left you. Let her get a little taste of her own medicine. My ex does the same stuff and I have stopped being there for her. Why be there for her when she left you without a car!

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey skynet,

 

I would strong suggest you read the posts by caveat over in the breaking up forum. He served his ex-gf an ultimatum that she should only contact him if she was willing to admit him as the only man in her life. From what I can see he hasn't given up on her. He also has refused to give up on himself. Here's the link:

 

 

From what you've said, things still seem so raw. Last week I took a call from an ex about coming over to pick up an old comptuer. It had only been a week and a half since she broke up. Take it from me, it's going to put you back at square one. These problems that cauesd the breakup don't get solved in a matter of weeks. It takes months. Months for you to figure out why you want her, possibly progressing to whether you want her.

 

I know 10 years is a very long time, and I would defer to anyone on this board that has had a very long term relationship like that. It's a long time for love to mature. It's also a long time for issues to develop and become huge sticking points. Whatever caused her to want this break, she needs time to think about it, as do you.

 

She needs to know if she's going to depend on you for things like fixing her computer, you need to be able to depend on her for emotional support. At least at this point.

 

If you decide to go over, BE CAREFUL. You might end up leaving hurt and confused.

[AB38]

This is a classic form of manipulation and control. When you called her, she was in control. Now the shoe is on the other foot and she can't stand it. Don't fall for it man. You are better than that.

 

She is not thinking twice about it. Ex's like to think that we are constantly in pain over them, and suddenly when we are better and moving on, it drives them crazy. It's an ego thing.

[fantasia2004]

Ab that is a terrible analysis of the situation how can you say that? Is that what it is to you you don't see that maybe they want to reach out and talk no manipulation?

[AB38]

Fantasia:

 

Sorry, but that's the way I feel. She stomped on him!! I had an ex do the exact same thing to me, she called me after I applied NC. (to heal) When she found out that I was ok, she kept calling. I gave her another chance, and she did it to me again. So my response was from experience.

 

I know that not all women are like that. Most actually show a lot of dignity and respect when a relationship is over. I'm just saying there are a few who break the contact rule to manipulate.

[Val_76]

I would suggest not falling in this soon after the beginning of your NC period with her. If you do so it will be to put down the base of your future contacts with her. Build up your confidence, control your own life. Give her an ultimatum: come back to me if I'm the man of your life, if not don't call me.

 

You seem to have lost a lot of confidence in yourself because of this confrontation/rejection, you should try to get it back before she come back in your life. Obviously your ex think she can do whatever she wants with you and this computer business seems to be a way to get in touch with you, nothing more. Maybe she's getting worried because you're not calling anymore but she's too proud to admit it and won't ask directly. You have the right to be mad at her, and you should (from what you're telling us), she obviously stepped on your feelings without showing remorse and left you in the dark without thinking.

 

Think about what YOU think you want with a relationship with her and try to find what was wrong in the first place before going back with her. If you don't do that, then it will only be painfull over and over again.

[skynet74]

Ab that is a terrible analysis of the situation how can you say that? Is that what it is to you you don't see that maybe they want to reach out and talk no manipulation?

-------------------

 

No... I'm with Ab on this one. It sounds exactly like what my ex is trying to do. She even told me that when I talked about moving to Florida a couple of months ago that she no longer felt like she was in control anymore. If I left she could do nothing about it. SHE ACTUALLY TOLD ME THAT. Then a while back she said that if she ever decides to work it out it will be on HER TERMS not mine. My ex has turned into a total Control freak. She suddenly wants all the power. That is why she took the car and Had my cell phone shut off (it was in her name as a Christmas present.) She keeps taking away things as punishment to show me she is in Control of me. As far as the computer goes.... she didn't call me to make idle chit chat. She specifically mentioned last night on my voice mail that she had a computer problem and wanted to ask me a question about it. Then she called again first thing this morning and just kept asking me to please pick up the phone. OH Geez.... Like I'm not going to know why she was calling me again.

 

Well I am happy to say that in the past couple of weeks I was able to call the cell phone company and have my cell phone with the same number reactivated under my name and I also bought my own car. So now she is not only NOT in control of me anymore... but I am also replacing all the things she took away.

 

When I met this girl she was the nicest most generous person you could ever meet. Then 6 months ago she suddenly starting lying to me and cheating. I ALWAYS found out and I know that she hated that. I don't know if this is a 10 year itch or Mid Life crisis sort of thing. But her personality suddenly changed 6 months ago. Now she is nothing like the sweet woman I was with for almost 10 years. Now she has started wearing suggestive clothing. Wanting total freedom, hanging out with different people, goes to bars, clubs etc. I really think that this lifestyle is going to come to a crashing hault before to long and then she'll call me. But right now she is in this weird mode that I can't do anything about.

 

But like I said before.... Ab.... I think you've got her nailed down on this one. This calling me for computer help is just her trying to stay in control. Sounds just like her lately. Thanks for the advice. Keep it coming. It's Great!

 

 

John

[fantasia2004]

And on that note I guess I will shut up!

tWO SNAPS UP !

[kissonthelips]

I feel for you. One is tempted to answer. DOn't be angry, don't think of it as a victim/perpetrator thing... Just kindly refuse saying you'd love to help her but don't have any time. That way, if it's a just a trick and she sincerely wants to see you, she'll make the extra effort. But don't be harsh, don't call her manipulative, be the bette person.