My inability to attract a man is getting to my self esteem...

[SweetJade]

My self esteem is really taking a nosedive. I am just really frustrated with my attempts to attract a man. In high school I never had a real problem dating or attracting a man. It seems like ever since I graduated, something changed. It's been 5 years since I've been out of high school and I can really say the last time I seriously dated someone was back then.

 

Now I can't even get a man to look in my direction these days. It makes me feel unwanted,ugly and not really special. I'm kind of suffering these days because I feel lonely, I'm a little depressed and unhappy with my life right now.I really wish I could find that one special man that can fill that missing void in my life, because if I could just find one person to love me unconditionally I will be happy.

 

My dating attempts have been lousy and it's making me more jaded towards men by the minute. I've tried online dating only to run into the game players, men who lose interest in me suddenly or disappear. Men who were only after one thing. In 2006, I entered a verbally abusive relationship with a guy who constantly criticized me, told me how ugly I was to him and how he cheated on me constantly. For some reason his words still sting to me today and I haven't really gotten over the things he said to me and made me feel. I've somewhat haven't gotten over it..

 

So I gave up on online dating and I've been trying my best to be happy and live my life without focusing on finding love but I feel so empty inside. I wish I was the girl that guys would stare at and gawk at when I walk into a room but I'm hardly ever noticed by anyone. The only guy I've been able to attract was some really old creepy man at the train station a couple of months ago who seemed to be stalking me. Is that seriously the only man I can attract, some old wrinkled up man?

 

My self esteem is really shot and in the toilet with all of these failed attempts at getting man. I really feel like I'm ugly or something.. I just don't know how to feel good about myself anymore..

[IGlareOften]

Ok. Your post really hit home. I've found myself feeling similar things. However, such is not true. believe it or not, we radiate the things we feel inside, on the outside. And, though you may not realize...you're relaying to men your lack of self esteem. It's not attractive to anyone. Would you be attracted to man who constantly thought he was ugly an worthless?

 

Secondly, an abusive relationship is VERY hard to reconcile inside yourself. From the terminology you used and the inflection, you need to seek help. Not only for help to resolve the scars from the past relationships, but much more.

 

No man should be used to or can fill in YOUR blanks. If there is something missing, I can guarantee that a man will not fix or heal them for you. You said "If I could just find someone to love me, I'd be happy." That statement, in any of it's incartations, is completely false. Things, people, situation will NOT fix what's broken inside. If you're depressed and unhappy...adding or taking away something WILL NOT fix it. Once you fix the brokeness..your happiness will come. Not a moment sooner.

 

It is important you find out why you're depressed and empty..and that has little to do with not having a man. It's just a symptom of a greater root. I challenge you to explore inside and find out why you're unhappy.

 

Once you do, trust me, men will begin to look your way. People are attracted to happiness and positivity. You can fake it all you want, but our hearts read other hearts. If yours is unhappy, other people will read that. I say this from personal experience.

[Shallow]

In high school I never had a real problem dating or attracting a man. It seems like ever since I graduated, something changed.

 

I can relate to this.

 

However, in high school, you're always around a large pool of the same people. Even a schlub like me had 5 or 6 girls that were attracted to me in high school due to this. You probably had many more.

 

Once you're out, your social circle tends to shrink massively unless you go to college. Thus, it stands to reason the people attracted to you would decrease as well.

 

The solution is to just put yourself out there with as many people as possible. Where do you try to meet guys now?

 

I really wish I could find that one special man that can fill that missing void in my life, because if I could just find one person to love me unconditionally I will be happy . . . My dating attempts have been lousy and it's making me more jaded towards men by the minute . . . In 2006, I entered a verbally abusive relationship with a guy who constantly criticized me, told me how ugly I was to him and how he cheated on me constantly. For some reason his words still sting to me today.

 

Here's the catch-22: you have to be happy to attract someone. You need to purge those negative feelings and try to be more positive. No more being jaded, no more feeling like there's a huge void to fill, no more feeling ugly, no more carrying your past failed relationship(s) around. If you can't do this on your own, get some help.

 

I wish I was the girl that guys would stare at and gawk at when I walk into a room but I'm hardly ever noticed by anyone.

 

You probably don't want that kind of attention, as guys who do this are typically after only one thing, which you already said you abhor.

 

The only guy I've been able to attract was some really old creepy man at the train station a couple of months ago who seemed to be stalking me. Is that seriously the only man I can attract, some old wrinkled up man?

 

I wouldn't say I was "stalking", and I'm certainly not wrinkled.

 

Apologies, I just had to inject some levity.

 

As I said, it's all about attitude. Even the most physically beautiful person can be unattractive if they have a bad one.

[Lamour detruit]

In 2006, I entered a verbally abusive relationship with a guy who constantly criticized me, told me how ugly I was to him and how he cheated on me constantly. For some reason his words still sting to me today and I haven't really gotten over the things he said to me and made me feel. I've somewhat haven't gotten over it..

 

 

There's your answer. Seems after that incident you were never really the same. It takes a toll on you, and when you have no self esteem and you've felt ugly for a long time because of it, it's hard not to project that unto real life. You need to try and find a way to move on from it..tell yourself its in the past, and that the words said were nothing more from a mentally unstable fellow. It is no reflection on you. You have to move forward..be confident in yourself.

[Sparkly Eyes]

 

 

Here's the catch-22: you have to be happy to attract someone. You need to purge those negative feelings and try to be more positive. No more being jaded, no more feeling like there's a huge void to fill, no more feeling ugly, no more carrying your past failed relationship(s) around. If you can't do this on your own, get some help.

 

 

I used to think that this is not true when it comes to girls...But I recently met a girl who would be considered unattractive by most people. But it seems like she is always dating someone and doesn't have a problem getting dates or men to sleep with. After getting to know her, I realized she is very confident and great to talk to. While I was complaining about my looks and my life, she was talking about the lessons she learned in her life and the exciting plans she has for future. I'm sure that had something to do with her ability to get men despite her looks.

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

Sweetjade everything you just said describes exactly how I feel except I’m a guy. I have not been able to successfully attract a girl in years it seems. It’s a little different for me because I’ve met some women that I thought were great at one time and seemed to show interest in me. But I end up getting rejected in the end and left to wonder if I was so wrong about these girls and all the seemingly obvious signals I received from them that they were attracted to me.

 

My self esteem is in the toilet now. I feel very ugly and unwanted and I feel like women just like playing with me because for some reason they think I’m safe. It’s almost as if I’m that gay guy that they can play around with because he’ll never really end up liking them. So they can flirt with him or do whatever without any real threat of being pursued or hurting him. Except I’m not gay and I do end up getting hurt.

 

I would just love to hear a girl tell me that she thinks I’m attractive. I would love to have a girl throw her arms around me and kiss me. I know how you feel about feeling a deep void and wanting someone to want you and make you feel special. You see everyone else finding someone to be happy with and you wonder why no one sees anything worthwhile in you to want to make you happy. You know you have so much to offer but no one seems to see it or care enough to give you a chance.

 

I honestly look in the mirror and wonder am I really that ugly? I’ve been toyed with and hurt so much in the past couple of years by women playing emotional games with me and leading me on but not actually wanting to be with me that I really wonder what is it about me that’s not good enough? And why can’t they at least respect me enough as a person not to play with my emotions if they’re not at least going to confess to finding me attractive at some point? It doesn’t matter whether I try or ignore them. They will pursue and work to convince me that they care and then turn it all around on me when I start to show I care.

 

So I understand exactly how you feel. I do hope you find what you’re looking for because I understand how important it is to feel like you’re at least desirable to someone. You want to feel like someone sees you as more than just a nice person but as someone they desire both emotionally and physically. It is important even if other’s don’t think it is. It affects you psychologically and emotionally when you don’t have that in your life and you feel like no one wants that with you.

 

Feeling like no one wants you can and will lead to depression. Some people miss the cause and effect relationship there. Finding someone will not cure you unless lacking someone is actually the cause of the problem in the first place. Unfortunately you end up in a cycle where your low self esteem that stems from no one paying attention to you leads you to dismiss anyone that does because you start to really believe you’re not good enough. That is where I’m at now.