Venting about feeling lonely

[Pompea]

I happen to be one of those people that gladly does favors for people not really expecting anything in return. I do favors without being asked because it makes me happy to see other people happy. I go out of my way sometimes to make my guy happy and this is okay because it really makes me smile to see him smile. Thats just how I am.

 

For the most part, I have not had this courtesy returned to me. Which is fine, I don't expect it from most people. But in the same hand, I have consistently been made to feel that asking for favors from others is placing a burden on them. Consequently, I am afraid to ask favors from people unless I really really need help with something. And I also have trouble accepting favors offered from others unless offered more than once (because I often feel that the first time is made only to be polite).

 

So basically, I usually feel left by myself and therefore am seeking the quality in a guy that makes him want to do things for me just to see me happy in the same way that I would do things for him.

 

The guy I am sort of dating now very rarely does anything just for me. There have been times where I have even suggested that he could do something for me and he would go "yyyyeaahno." because it was not something he particularly wanted to do, but I am afraid to ask a second time because it may make him feel pressured into doing it and I don't want that.

 

 

I'm really just venting because I feel alone and like no one really cares enough about me to see me happy.

I know how very selfish that sounds, but after such a long time doing things for other people and for my guy I am feeling burnt out and over-used.

 

I know that people cannot read my mind and that there are some things I will always have to ask for. I'm talking about little things, like lending or giving an item, buying a gift, making a gift, cooking something, the same little things I do for other people. Too much to hope for?

[Perfect Dark]

You have just described me. I feel for you. *hugs*

[Pompea]

At least I'm not totally alone then, haha

thanks (:

[Perfect Dark]

At least I'm not totally alone then, haha

thanks (

 

Sorry that I didn't offer any useful advice. All I can say is some people are selfish and don't care about anyone else. Especially one's who ditch their friend's for bf's. Haha rant over.

[Pompea]

I'm sure there isn't a lot of useful advice to give in this situation anyway.

In a day or two something may change and I will feel better

[Perfect Dark]

Some time's it's good to get these feelings out!

[Pompea]

I wish I could express them to the guy I'm dating, haha

But then I'm sure he would feel obligated to go out of his way for me to do things, which I don't want

rock and hard place, etc

[Dako]

Being thoughtful seems quite unpopular, but I do it without expectation.

The payoff is a personal feeling of integrity.

 

I've done things for people without them knowing the source.Feels good to me, and they gain faith in humans.

 

I also piss people off, so I have a fairly balanced life. LOL.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I think it would be good to put yourself first, then, and stop going out of your way for a little while to help people. People sure will notice when you're not there to use!

[Gath]

The guy I am sort of dating now very rarely does anything just for me. There have been times where I have even suggested that he could do something for me and he would go "yyyyeaahno." because it was not something he particularly wanted to do, but I am afraid to ask a second time because it may make him feel pressured into doing it and I don't want that.

 

This guy is what most of us would term a "jerk." You will find yourself much happier if you do not date jerks. If this is normal in your relationships, then you need to vet potential boyfriends a little better and adjust your standards.

I'm really just venting because I feel alone and like no one really cares enough about me to see me happy.

I know how very selfish that sounds, but after such a long time doing things for other people and for my guy I am feeling burnt out and over-used.

 

It's not selfish to want to be treated nicely. If people aren't treating you the way you want, then its probably one of two things.

Either you're not expressing your feelings and desires in a way others can identify, or the people you're hanging around with are selfish jerks.

 

Both are fixable! Be more outspoken, and get new friends!

 

I know that people cannot read my mind and that there are some things I will always have to ask for. I'm talking about little things, like lending or giving an item, buying a gift, making a gift, cooking something, the same little things I do for other people. Too much to hope for?

 

It's not too much to hope for, I think if you asked my GF she'd say I do things like that all the time, and so does she for me. Most of my relationships have, the ones that didn't, well, didn't last long.

 

A good way to meet people is to step out of your current social groups. If you're religious, join a new community group, or start one. Or you could join an intramural team. Be chatty and friendly and remember people's names and you'll ussually find them friendly back.

 

I think the biggest thing you need to work on is not putting up with jerks. Dump this guy, he doesn't sound worth keeping to me.

[Pompea]

Thanks Dako

 

Iphi: I do still do things for myself all the time. I'm not necessarily sacrificing anything terribly important to myself, I just try to do my best for others too. But I see what you mean.

 

Gath: I made him sound like a jerk, but most of the time he's very nice. He has tried to do things for me in the past, they're just very few and far between.

I think I do have an issue with communication which I'm trying to work on. Slowly, but surely.

The guy I'm dating knows that I am not particularly verbal, but doesn't really ask much other than that. I just haven't explained too much to him because I'm afraid he'll treat me differently or something. You know, tip-toe around me or exhaust himself doing things for me.

[Thx]

I can relate too Pompea.

 

I go out of my way to do something special for someone and then get all heartbroken when they do not appreciate or ever reciprocate. (Or do anything spontaniously or of their own volition. If you didn't make effort, it is as though you fell off the face of the Earth.)

 

Selfish, or doing things for the wrong reason...?

 

Maybe so if it were just one time or a few.

 

But there does come a time when you have to wonder about the other party.

 

Personally, I think people have become lazy in this "information" age.

 

When I was a kid my friend and I would sit up all night on walkie-talkies.

 

Nowadays they won't take 5 minutes to send an e-mail.

 

Some people put me on their mass e-mail list too.

 

That is worse somehow, you get their general junk mail announcments, but never hear from them personally.

 

Advice?

 

Temper your giving.

 

And that is a sorry statement I know, but for the sake of your happiness I would moderate my efforts.

 

Thx

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you had a crisis do you think this guy would step up to the plate and help you. In other words, if you needed someone to accompany you to emergency, to walk your dog (if you have one) if you are running late, need a shoulder to cry on, take you to the grocery store if you broke your leg etc do you think he would willingly help you and be happy to help you...or do you think he would say no, or very grudgingly help you and make it very clear that he has better things to do so you better be grateful for his help. If you can't count on him to help then what is the point of having him as a boyfriend. That wouldn't even be much of a friend. Sadly, I have had the same experience with you from people. Aside from my parents there has been no friend that has really gone the distance for me despite the fact that I have put myself out for them. The problem when you are a giving person is that people take advantage and they just see you in the giving role and feel affronted when you have the "audacity" to need help from them!

[Pompea]

Thank you, Thx. I'll keep that in mind.

 

Crazy: I have no doubt that he would help me in a crisis. I suppose it's really the smaller things that neither he nor my other friends tend to do for me. The "doing this just to see you smile" things. I suppose those seem trivial though.

[Clarity]

I am definitely this way, but I wasn't always.

 

In my first LTR, I took things for granted and stopped doing the "little things", which was certainly a contributor to me being dumped.

 

Since then, it has seemingly come naturally to me to do those little thoughtful or romantic things, that require little effort, but brightens a person's day.

 

The problem I have is not that the other person won't reciprocate, but rather now that I've finally found someone who does, she and I likely can't be together due to geographical reasons. *sigh*

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thank you, Thx. I'll keep that in mind.

 

Crazy: I have no doubt that he would help me in a crisis. I suppose it's really the smaller things that neither he nor my other friends tend to do for me. The "doing this just to see you smile" things. I suppose those seem trivial though.

 

The small things are not that important if he will be there for you when life throws you a curve ball. There are so many people out there who do the little things that really don't take much time at all..but the minute you need them for the big things they run a mile. People can give you birthday cards and gifts or invite you over for dinner...but what difference does any of that make if when you really need them in a crisis they don't have time for you. I have not had a problem finding people who will do the small things...but the minute I needed a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand, they had no time, even though I have been there for them during the rough times and when they needed a hand. Someone who is good and true may not necessarily think of doing the small stuff...but when you really need them they are there for you. That is more important than the small stuff.