YES! NC Is The Bomb! I Think I've Got Him Right Where I Want Him Now!

[doejan]

Ya know? Sometimes things just fall right into place...or maybe. I just wanted to update on my situation.

 

For those unaware, here's a quick rundown:

I've been in a 4.5 month LDR with a guy whom I haven't seen in three months. I met him about 2 weeks after breaking things off with my previous ex because he still had a thing for his ex wife.

 

Exactly two weeks ago I really let my current guy have it, via text, because he'd been neglecting me for a while due to a lot of compounding issues in his life...or so he says. He did not respond. Four days of no contact followed, then I got a very short, inaudible call from him. I texted him the following day, apologizing for a few things I said in the angry texts I sent 5 days prior, yet still holding my ground. I never got a response and I did not attempt to contact him in any way. Yesterday was the 7th day of NC since then. I told myself it was over since I had not heard from him at all.

 

During those 7 days, I called my previous ex's mother whom I was close to. I haven't had contact with her or him in 5 months. I found out that my ex will be graduating from bootcamp later this week and that he contacted his ex wife but she didn't respond (even though she claims she wants him back)..?? He will be stationed overseas 2 weeks after he graduates.

 

Anyway, his mother has some extra hotel rooms reserved so I decided to go. She assured me that he would love to see me. I sent him a letter that he should get by Wednesday at the latest, informing him that I would be coming to his graduation. I also told him to either email me or let his mother know if he preferred that I not come. We'll see if he objects. I figured he's had enough time to reflect and miss me, especially since his ex didn't reciprocate his advance. I figured we might be friends again and maybe I'd get a little slap and tickle (if ya know wha I mean, mon), twirl round the sack a bit, ya know.

 

Now, I know damned well my current guy got those angry texts I sent 2 weeks ago. Yet, he called last night claiming that he had not. He said that his phone just died, (he didn't tell me when though), and that he had to get a new one. Actually he texted me first with, "Is this (my name)?"

I replied, "Yes." He called immediately and told me about his phone and how he looked over his phone bill and called all the numbers on it with my area code until he got to me. I didn't believe him but I kept that to myself. I told him that I thought we had broken up because I never heard from him.

 

I believe my texts pissed him off enough to call it quits; that's why he called and said something sarcastic then hung up last Saturday. I believe he deleted my number from his phone with the intention of not calling me back but when he calmed down, realized that I had not called or texted in days (very rare for me), and remembered that I didn't catch whatever it was that he said before hanging up on me Saturday, he decided to make up without having to make up and save face at the same time. He said he didn't hang up on me last Saturday- his phone signal went out instead. I just listened and acknowledged.

 

I learned something tonight that explains why it appears that maybe he has a wife or another woman. For instance, I have yet to go to his house and he only calls me when he's driving. Tonight I told him that a few people I've consulted told me they thought he had a wife and I asked him why he only spoke to me when he was driving. He paused for a moment then he told me that he lived with his mother. Up until tonight I believed that he spent a lot of time at her house whenever he's home from working on the road but I thought he had his own place. We were talking when he went into his house. He opened the door and said, "Hey mom." I heard a woman tell him hi and say something else to him. So pride explains the secretive behavior. He didn't want me to think less of him for living with his mother. It makes sense why it would be practical to live with her since he works out of state for periods of months out of the year as a union boilermaker/welder. He makes great money though so that's not the issue. We had a fairly productive conversation. He asked if we could get together this upcoming weekend. He said that he'd drive down here or I could go up to his place. Well I thought, I'm going to your place to make sure your story checks out....and then I remembered............. I'm most likely going to my previous ex's graduation and will be gone from Thursday until Friday night! So I told my guy that Saturday would be good because I would be out of town until Friday night but I did not tell him where...yet.

 

I texted this to my guy a few hours ago: I think you should know where I'm going Thursday into Friday. It wouldn't be cool for you not to know what's up. I think it is better if discussed over the phone.

 

He will call sometime today I suspect, full of wonder...tee hee. So, here is how I see this situation working for me.

 

When we talk next I'm going to tell him that my previous ex's mother called to invite me to the graduation, and of course I would have turned it down had I believed we were still in a relationship together. I'm going to tell him I believed enough time had passed and since his mother told me he and his ex weren't back together, I though that maybe I could get laid out of the deal because I'm in real need of a man's touch. My current guy knows that I'm highly sexual and considering that I thought we were split I would have been in my right to get some. He knows that I have been faithful to him for the duration of our relationship, and I have. Anyway, I will tell him that if he REALLY doen't want me to go then I won't go though I would hate to stand my ex up since I already sent the letter informing him that I would be there. I will of course make it clear that nothing will happen because we are back together now.

 

He's not going to be happy but he won't have room to object because he knows in his heart that he threw in the towel on us. He won't want to look insecure so he won't tell me not to go. Instead he'll be wondering what I'm up to Thursday and Friday lol. And as a result, he will definitely make that we see each other this weekend. In the future, he will think twice before driving me to walk away because he will think about how it felt to wonder what I was doing with my ex.

 

Now for my previous ex. I may gain him back as a friend which I wouldn't mind at all at this point. Also, I will be looking great and showing him that I am over him and have moved on, (since I won't be open for sex with him). He may possibly wonder why he let me go since it turned out the grass was dead on the other side.

 

YES! NC worked and now I believe I have my current guy right where I want him. Finally, some balance may present itself in this relationship. I have conditions now. I need to make sure he checks out completely. And if he refuses to comply, then I'm out. This weekend, I will go to his place and meet his mother and he will show me a piece of mail with his name and address to prove he lives there. I will thank him for being honest with me about his living arrangements and encourage him to continue opening up to me. I'm going to also let him know that I will be doing a background check on him. We will agree on when we will see each other next and how often we will try to talk inbetween. We will make a pact in blood! If he is serious about me like he claims then he won't have a problem with my requests. I think it's possibly a true win/win situation for me. We shall see, oh we shall see.

 

Any thoughts/suggestions or predictions are welcomed...Thank you!

[Tanzi]

Wow, it seems that you are getting yourself involved in a dangerous game here, playing one ex off against the other. You also make a lot of assumptions, ie. that your previous ex wants you to go to his graduation and is happy for you to turn up out of the blue and that your current guy is going to be OK with you telling him you just wanted to get laid by your ex ... and do you really have him right where you want him? He could well disappear again at a moments notice, especially with your ex back in the picture. I don't know your exes, of course, and your assumptions may well turn out to be right ... but if not, you could end up getting hurt and it may not be the win/win situation you think it is going to be.

 

I'm not sure what you are really hoping to gain from any of this. Do you want either of these guys back on a permanent basis? If so, which one? Remember, if you play with fire you will get your fingers burnt.

[getbiii]

You go girl! =)

[indy123]

This seems like a recipe for disaster if you ask me.

 

Trust me...i have been there.

[doejan]

I see what you're saying and I acknowledge there may be truth in what you believe but if my previous ex doesn't want me to come, he will let me know. Obviously having not talked to him in 5 months, I wouldn't know for sure if he'd want me to come. I was going off of what his mother told me. Not knowing for sure, despite what she said, was the reason I sent the letter to him. If he doesn't want me to come then I simply won't go. His graduation is about him, not me. I wouldn't crash his party, so to speak. I will still tell my current guy about it anyway. I've never kept secrets from him and that's why he trusts me.

 

As far as telling my current guy about wanting to get laid by the ex, sure I'll tell him because it's the truth. He's the one who has been neglecting me for 3months now. I've been trying to reach out to him but his life kept getting in the way. It's all in how I tell him. I'm not going to be as blunt as I was in this thread. I know how to talk to him.

 

Sure, he could disappear again. I may get decapitated by a semi on the way home tonight. I think him knowing the ex is around will make him step up. Besides, he'll know that my ex is leaving the country in 2 weeks.

 

My current guy is who I want, not my ex. Yes, I believe he is where he needs to be right now. I am casual-cautiously optimistic.

[Tanzi]

Don't get me wrong, with an ex who was still hung up on his ex-wife and another who stopped talking to you for no reason, I think its good that you have swung things around and are now in the driving seat. Just be careful, thats all I'm saying ... know what you want and try not to set yourself up to get and hurt and, yes, cautiously optimistic is a good way to tread.

[doejan]

You go girl! =)

 

Yeah, I hope....:splat:

You and I are 2 for 2 on this so far...

[doejan]

This seems like a recipe for disaster if you ask me.

 

Trust me...i have been there.

 

I think of it as gambling- and sometimes you beat the house. I hate to sound so cavalier about it because I could certainly be setting myself up for more hurt like Jellybaby stated. I just believe I can tweak this just right...

 

Will you share your situation though?

[doejan]

Don't get me wrong, with an ex who was still hung up on his ex-wife and another who stopped talking to you for no reason, I think its good that you have swung things around and are now in the driving seat. Just be careful, thats all I'm saying ... know what you want and try not to set yourself up to get and hurt and, yes, cautiously optimistic is a good way to tread.

 

Thank you. I'm glad I posted this thread because you and Indy have reminded me how carefully I will need to step to make this ship sail where I want it to go. I will update as soon as I talk to my guy!

[Tanzi]

Thank you. I'm glad I posted this thread because you and Indy have reminded me how carefully I will need to step to make this ship sail where I want it to go. I will update as soon as I talk to my guy!

 

Yes please do! I have made some bad decisions in the past by assuming that I was the one in control in a relationship and that I could get away with anything ... not so. The balance completely shifted again when he ended things, to my complete surprise. Needless to say it taught me a valuable lesson. Your situation is different of course, but nevertheless, if you really want this guy back just be careful.

[DN]

As far as telling my current guy about wanting to get laid by the ex, sure I'll tell him because it's the truth.

I imagine both he and his Mom will be duly impressed.

[doejan]

I imagine both he and his Mom will be duly impressed.

 

Judge me as you please. Fortunately, my guy doesn't. And last time I checked, human touch was a need. I somehow doubt his mother will be privy to the phone call...wild guess I suppose ~

[indy123]

I think of it as gambling- and sometimes you beat the house. I hate to sound so cavalier about it because I could certainly be setting myself up for more hurt like Jellybaby stated. I just believe I can tweak this just right...

 

Will you share your situation though?

 

 

Well my situation was as follows.

 

I could of got my recent ex girlfriend (who i loved) back but i instead chose to flaunt another of my ex girlfriends in front of my recent ex.

 

This backfired because my recent ex now wont take me back because she cant trust me and my other ex knows im not over my most recent ex! lol!

 

I thought i was in a win-win. Turns out i was in a lose-lose!

 

I SERIOUSLY recommend not telling your recent ex that u want to sleep with your other ex. He will never take u back if you say that. I know i sure as hell wouldnt take you back if you told me that. I would NEVER trust you ever again.

[Dako]

Judge me as you please. Fortunately, my guy doesn't. And last time I checked, human touch was a need.

 

Human touch must be second to drama.

How about being up front with these guys?

[doejan]

Well my situation was as follows.

 

I could of got my recent ex girlfriend (who i loved) back but i instead chose to flaunt another of my ex girlfriends in front of my recent ex.

 

This backfired because my recent ex now wont take me back because she cant trust me and my other ex knows im not over my most recent ex! lol!

 

I thought i was in a win-win. Turns out i was in a lose-lose!

 

I SERIOUSLY recommend not telling your recent ex that u want to sleep with your other ex. He will never take u back if you say that. I know i sure as hell wouldnt take you back if you told me that. I would NEVER trust you ever again.

 

 

OK...I see what you mean. I do. Your example brought it home.

 

I can literally tell my guy anything. My boy don't flinch. He really does accept who I am and has always been interested in what's on my mind- when we DO talk. Maybe I shouldn't take the liberty of being totally honest at times. By reading your post, I can see how this may be one of those times.

 

Telling him about the trip will be enough information for him to digest alone. Telling him what I was contemplating about doing with my ex might just be TMI after all. I think that bit of info would be flaunting, like you said you did. Honestly, I believe I can tell him that but errrrr......I think I'll omit.

[DN]

But if you do have sex with the ex you should tell him. That you should be honest about.

[hexaemeron]

What is this... High school? I'm sorry your relationship is over and I realize that's of course difficult. However, this passive/aggressive gameplaying really just makes you look hellaciously petty and immature and really prevents you from moving on with your life in a positive way. You're 32 years old. Act like it.

[1guygirl]

Well my situation was as follows.

 

I could of got my recent ex girlfriend (who i loved) back but i instead chose to flaunt another of my ex girlfriends in front of my recent ex.

 

This backfired because my recent ex now wont take me back because she cant trust me and my other ex knows im not over my most recent ex! lol!

 

I thought i was in a win-win. Turns out i was in a lose-lose!

 

I SERIOUSLY recommend not telling your recent ex that u want to sleep with your other ex. He will never take u back if you say that. I know i sure as hell wouldnt take you back if you told me that. I would NEVER trust you ever again.

 

im with this...

 

if my ex went on about sleeping with their ex id just say "good for you...seeee yaaaaaa"

 

i sense that the OP is rubbing her hands in glee with this supposed "win" and where she just has them both

 

not

 

a

 

nice

 

attribute

 

careful when playing games with peoples hearts for your own ego...your ego might jus take a severe crushing and youre left with nothing

[doejan]

Human touch must be second to drama.

How about being up front with these guys?

 

 

Since when is being honest not being upfront? Can you explain? The only thing I would be withholding from my guy is the fact that I actually called my ex's mother instead of the other way around. Everything else would be true.

 

What about the ex who is graduating? What am I not being upfront with him about?

 

I was faithful, dedicated and loyal to both of them when they were separate in my life. I am faithful to my current guy who I have not seen in 3 months. The same guy who would make plans with me to disappear until AFTER we were supposed to have been together. The same guy who would not return my calls or texts for days at a time. Our "relationship," before we imploded was a 10-15 minute phone call once per week, yet....I've been faithful and loyal to him.

 

I wrote my ex who is graduating 7 - 10 letters per week while he was in basic training before Christmas break. If you know anything about the military you will know that letters from home are like gold in basic. Before he left for basic training, I read everything I could about it, about his job detail, etc. I learned the acronyms so that I could communicate with him without him having to "talk civilian."

 

Am I perfect? Hell no. Still, I did not ask either of them for a dime. I have never gone through their wallets or cell phones. I never interrogated them about where they've been and with who. I never blew up either of their phones with endless texts and calls. I gave love and all I wanted was to be loved in return. Instead, I ended up giving 80% to their 20%. I am a damned good woman with a huge heart. And I don't need your or anyone else's validation to know that's a fact.

 

Now, "these guys," as you put it are the poor victims? Please, spare me the black widow lecture...

[DN]

The only thing I would be withholding from my guy is the fact that I actually called my ex's mother instead of the other way around.

Well, that wasn't 'withholding' - that was not telling the truth.

[doejan]

But if you do have sex with the ex you should tell him. That you should be honest about.

 

 

Huh? I'm not going to sleep with the ex. I thought I made that clear but maybe some have misunderstood me....

 

I thought me and my guy were broken up until yesterday. Since I thought it was over, I decided to check in with my previous ex. I informed my previous ex that I would attend his graduation (unless he tells me not to come). Yesterday, my current ex popped up, and because of that I won't be sleeping with my other ex. I have NEVER cheated on a partner.

[DN]

Thread closed for flaming