SadAndy Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 Most of you on here will know my story but for anyone who doesn't I shall recap. I was with my ex for 14 yrs from the age of 19 (both of us) up until 4 months ago (age 33). We have a daughter who was born 8 years ago and we were each others 'first love'. My ex had a 6 month affair with my best mate 5 years ago and upon finding this out I stayed with her and tried my best to work through it. She has now dumped me for a 21 year old bloke who moved in more or less straight away and is now taking my mortgage over. She has known him for about 6 months. They are seriously talking about marriage and kids very soon. She then decided to 'come clean' about the fact that she has been having an affair with the original bloke (from the first time) for the last 18 months! Anyway, my question is......After about 5 weeks from breaking up with me she temporarily 'dumped' the new bloke claiming that 'he is lovely but he isn't you' and 'i don't know which one i love'. This was about 9 weeks ago. She attended one 'relate' counselling meeting and decided she would chose him. She is now making a very big thing of telling everyone that she 'doesn't love Andy anymore'. She is pretty much telling everyone who will listen and is saying that she simply 'fell out of love with me' rather than her affairs etc playing a far bigger part. I am at a point where I really didn't think i would get to so fast where I am actually disgusted with her behaviour and whilst sad that it happened, us splitting up for good is the only option. I am simply intrigued as to why she is going to almost extreme efforts to make it clear that she 'likes me but doesn't love me anymore' when the simple fact that we had split up would suffice. I do not think that she will ever regret splitting up and leaving all that she had and infact life for her is great right now. I am just wondering how she can go from being so unsure as to who she 'loves' the most to being seriously in love with him and seriously out of love with me within a couple of weeks. Is it possible that deep down she is still slightly unsure and is trying to convince herself? I'm only asking as I have arrived at a point where I think of her as a cold hearted, cunning, almost evil person to have deceived everyone for so long and i'm wondering if i'm being a little unfair or not. Your views........ Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 I think you are in the anger stage and need to keep venting. Yes, she sounds like a tool. You will better off without her. It's just going to take some time. Link to comment
SadAndy Posted May 16, 2010 Author Share Posted May 16, 2010 I think you are in the anger stage and need to keep venting. Yes, she sounds like a tool. You will better off without her. It's just going to take some time. I'm actually not overly angry i'm just sort of curious as to how she could go from thinking that she loved me to not loving me overnight and declaring undying love for the new bloke within 2 months. Along with the need to emphasise to everyone that 'she doesn't love Andy anymore'. Just curious honest! Link to comment
Etoile Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 I can't answer your question about how she supposedly fell out of love overnight but I strongly suspect that she is telling everyone that she fell out of love with you to excuse her infidelity. She is not taking responsibility for her actions. Link to comment
Leveller Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 In my opinion it is possible that a) she is mixed up, b) 'riding the crest of a wave' knowing she's feels wanted by at least one and possibly two or three men and her ego has balooned c) she is trying to validate her actions and decisions. It could be a combination or all three or I could be completely wrong. Most importantly, you have never indicated you have done anything to 'make' her leave or to have affairs. It's easy to say standing on the outside, and I do understand how difficult this must be for you, but the important thing to centre is that whatever her feelings, reasons, behaviours and justifications you need to stand up for what it is you want and need. If you do not draw a line in the sand (and not budge) you will force her to have respect for you and your child. At the moment (and for a long while by the sounds of it) you have enabled this to happen (I am NOT blaming you), enabled because you didn't 'make' her pay a penalty for her actions. If things are to end so be it...but not like this. Her behaviour is appalling in my eyes and you should let her know. Stand up to her, she is NOT the centre of the universe and the light that appears to burn so brightly in her eyes will fade. Link to comment
SadAndy Posted May 17, 2010 Author Share Posted May 17, 2010 she does seem to be blocking her 'bad behaviour' out a little too easily but again i just don't know if its through shame or (as i suspect) plain arrogance! Link to comment
Carus Posted May 17, 2010 Share Posted May 17, 2010 I agree, you are having some anger, which can be good.... But we've talked about this before Andy*....You are still making it about her... I am just wondering how she can go from being so unsure as to who she 'loves' the most to being seriously in love with him and seriously out of love with me within a couple of weeks. The answer to your question is: Many reasons ok.... I will keep repeating this becoz I am trying to save you doing this>> ](*,) for months and months like I (and many others) did..... Whats done is done and you cannot change that....."He's a lovely guy but he just isnt you"....Ha! Yeh I got exactly those words too, yet here they are still together 1 year later..... Dont do it man....Keep posting but lets talk about YOU and what You're gonna do..... For me, I'm looking into buying my first shop as I try to rebuild my life....I will miss my ex for a time to come yet too but its sink or swim at this point....* Oh and starting new threads doesn't change anything....lol Stay Strong K2* Link to comment
minou Posted May 17, 2010 Share Posted May 17, 2010 You have been through hell. You poor guy. I encourage you to have as many threads as you want to for the support you can get here. I think she is just emphasizing that she stopped loving you to others because it shifts the focus away from her being a cheating b*****. I personally don't think someone like that is capable of really loving someone. She is too selfish. Link to comment
Adge Posted May 17, 2010 Share Posted May 17, 2010 ANDY!! How you doing buddy!? LOL Vent more! Get it out! You're absolutely right what you say about her. She sounds very calculating and almost can't accept what she's done, so has to cover it up with rose petals and sugar to other people. Rather pathetic I think! Anyway...she'll trip. Watch this space!! Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted May 17, 2010 Share Posted May 17, 2010 Andy, I think both of you missed out on a lot of youthful living being together so young and for such a long period of time. It is very common in these relationships to wonder if there isn't more to life and love than what's on our plate. Did you ever find yourself wondering if something wasn't missing from your life with her? I'm sorry you're hurt. It must've been crushing to know you'd been betrayed by two people. Now is your time to make your life the best it can be. Link to comment
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