Giving advice

[Ebrithil]

For a number of years I’ve been in a position of support, giving advice to different people and I’ve always been patient I have always listened and done by best to support them and give them practical advice and I’ve always had success in doing this.

But now I find myself having problems of my own, in the past I had always managed to get along on my own without needing other people for support, I used to find helping other people was my support, but over the past few years I’ve been unhappy with my life, little things that I never used to give a second thought to get to me and I spend practically every night sitting feeling depressed. These aren’t really problems I can solve easily I am trapped in circumstances and have little control over how things play out, but I find myself complaining about them none the less to friends who I think probably couldn’t care less because they have things of their own on their minds.

Some times when I was giving advice would have liked to say to the person “what is your problem, your making something out of nothing, just grow up” or that their problems weren’t as bad as they made out. So I was wondering what you guys think, do you think that sometimes it is just best not to talk about the things that are on your mind? That sometimes if you don’t talk about the problem and try to forget it that it will go away on its own? And if that’s the case what about ambitions and desires should we put them behind us as well when they seem out of reach? If it’s something that torments you something you want but by wanting it cause yourself to suffer because it’s something you’ll never have should you also forget that to save yourself the suffering and save others the pain of having to hear you moan about it?

[catfeeder]

The problem with being a go-to person for others is that you're doing something that requires specific skills, and with practice those skills can come to feel so natural for you that it's difficult to understand when others can't step up to the same plate.

 

It's also hard to apply the same skills to yourself because one of the foundational ways your mind tends to operate in problem-solving for others is detachment.

 

In an ideal world we'd all have support from wise and patient people, but I suspect that's a scenario reserved for a lucky few and those in movies and TV shows. Maybe this explains you why people seek professional help. Not everybody is a therapist, and not all therapists operate the same way. Certain social workers or psychologists can teach techniques to help otherwise healthy people learn how to solve problems in their own lives, while psychiatrists supervise or treat deeper disorders and illnesses. Sure, that's oversimplifying, but so often people tend to lump mental health professionals into one group for servicing crazy people--and that's way off the mark.

 

[...]So I was wondering what you guys think, do you think that sometimes it is just best not to talk about the things that are on your mind? That sometimes if you don't talk about the problem and try to forget it that it will go away on its own?

 

No, I believe that unresolved problems can come out sideways later and affect future relationships or solidify into false limitations that otherwise wouldn't be adopted. That's on top of whatever current misery any given problem brings. Why suffer when there are ways to either solve a problem over time or at least learn how to manage it in ways that are healthy, and in some cases can lead to finding greater avenues of opportunity. In other words, "Shewt, I always I thought there was something wrong with me, and it turns out that I've just been playing the ugly duckling because didn't know how to discover that I'm a swan."

 

And if that’s the case what about ambitions and desires should we put them behind us as well when they seem out of reach? If it’s something that torments you something you want but by wanting it cause yourself to suffer because it’s something you'll never have should you also forget that to save yourself the suffering and save others the pain of having to hear you moan about it?

 

You're being too vague here for reasonable comment. Why not post the actual problem, or consider taking it to a professional counselor who can help you break it down, find workarounds, or find ways of addressing what you believe to be your limitations? Stuffing this isn't necessary just because you haven't found the right talent in people around you. Go over their heads.

 

In your corner.

[Ebrithil]

Well I am trying to be broad with my question so that you can all relate it to something that you have personal experience in, what I’m asking isn’t should you bottle every thought and feeling up and sit around in silent suffering it’s that do you think that sometimes it’s better not to speak of some problems because maybe the only reason there is a problem is because you won’t let it go?

And by extension to that if you have an ambition that is unreachable should you also try to forget that? for example in our hypothetical scenario let’s say you like someone of the opposite sex and to you they would be the best thing that could happen to you, but for some reason (create your own if you want I’m just making an example) you can’t be with them as a partner, would you try to forget them and try for other people regardless of the fact you would always have strong feelings for the first? Maybe this is a poor example because I’ve based it on a relationship but hopefully you’ll understand what I mean.

[Hermes]

Yes, Catfeeder.

 

Certain social workers or psychologists can teach techniques to help otherwise healthy people learn how to solve problems in their own lives, while psychiatrists supervise or treat deeper disorders and illnesses. Sure, that's oversimplifying, but so often people tend to lump mental health professionals into one group for servicing crazy people--and that's way off the mark.

 

 

Why not post the actual problem, or consider taking it to a professional counselor who can help you break it down, find workarounds, or find ways of addressing what you believe to be your limitations?

 

I agree.

 

H

[Hermes]

Erb:

 

Talking is always good. However, the ordinary lay-person (non-professional) is not ALWAYS qualified to listen to and offer support on many topics. It is very different if a friend comes to you with a problem along the lines of: "my attic is leaking, I've got the flu and I am thinking of leaping out the window", as opposed to a friend who has gone psychotic.

 

I notice you make reference as an example to a "relationship" tht is not going to happen. It is pointless trying for the unattainable IMO in the field of relationships. Sometimes, too, being humans, we often want precisely what we can't have!

And, there is the old saying: "Don't pray too hard for something in case your wish might just be granted".

 

As regards other ambitions and desires (not related to relationships), then that is another matter. If you feel you would like to take up studies, for example, or your ambition is to go to a far-flung country, or to open a coffee shop......then go for it. Work on the idea, and see where it takes you.

 

H

[Ebrithil]

Because this isnt somthing thats sitting heavily on my mind its just a matter of oppinions Im after.

To take an example out of my own life, Iv been working at the same place for 5 years and Iv put a lot of effort into my work regardless of it being a student job, Iv given the company more than most people do, and now managment are basicaly taking the P*ss bullying members of staff and forcing people like myself to do jobs we hate regardless of our previous loyalty and dedication. Now there is one manager in particular that I mayself and several other members of staff have a personal problem with but nothing we do is going to change anything, but unfortunately the situation causes us a great ammount of stress to the point of becoming really angry, depressed, insicure ect ect diffrent people have diffrent reactions to it. Now in this circumstance no matter how much you * * * * * , complain, maon or anything else non of it is going to change anything and is more likley infact to come back on you like it did me resulting me sitting in a room with a manager I loathed trying to explain somthing that another member of staff had * * * * * ed about me.

So prehaps in this situation it would be better to just keep quiet and not express your frustrations because they dont actualy get you anywhere but leave you feeling even more frustrated afterwards.

 

My extension to the question should you ignore some ambitions was based on a more hypothetical senario that if you do agree that its best to not express certain frustrations, do you also agree that its ok to aim lower than your desires and ambitions inorder to atain somthing closer to what you would of liked to acheave but is not quite the same as given in the relationship example above.

[Hermes]

Well, Ebr, we can only go on concrete examples.

 

You are in a student job, you say, and I suppose in these recessionary times it may not be a simple question of finding another job. So fed-up and stressed-out, you still feel you have to stay in that job. Right?

 

IMO never aim lower than your ambitions (you are referring to work?). If there is something you REALLY want to do, then put your heart and soul into it.

 

H

[Ebrithil]

Humm I suppose it helps to have a concrete example to give specific advice on I was wondering if people had broad rules or thoughts on situations like these. When I give people advice I try to make them see it from an alternative perspective as I think is the general rule, and I was wondering what you thought about ongoing problems that you can’t do anything about do you complain about them and find people who are happy to listen to you vent to get the stress out or does this simply cause you to relive the frustration in what should be a relaxing environment ? or do you put the situation out of your mind and try to forget it when not faced with it following the philosophy that sometimes a problem only seems so bad because you’re always talking about it and if you simply put it aside and focus on something more positive things won’t seem so bad?

And you would be correct in saying that for the moment I don’t really have any options for leaving my job and getting a new one, a few people have suggested that I do that because of the stress its caused me, but it’s not always like that it’s just slowly becoming more like it.

Well the last part is very broad it refers to all aspects of life and ambition and I don’t think you can really answer it without specific examples now that you mention it. If you follow the relationship scenario should you site wait and hope for the best or should you aim for the next best thing. It occurs to me because a friend of mine said not long ago that she can dream and fantasize about her perfect man but the chances of finding that are next to none.

[Hermes]

Well, Ebr, a little fantasy is no harm at all LOL. And can make life a bit brighter on some days.

I don't think one should mull over problems too much, because a molehill often becomes a mountain. Also mulling and worrying achieves nothing, so it is necessary to "detach", and live in the present. Which is perhaps what you are driving at? Yes. Concentrate on more positive aspects of "the moment", because when all is said and done, we cannot foretell the future.

 

H

[Ebrithil]

I think the fantasy is what drives us to our desires ect but maybe sometimes people always look for somthing more than they have, but if you perfect partner exsisted for example but was out of reach do you make do? That kind of goes into the thoughts of what consitutes cheating if your with somone and have feelings for another is that wrong to seek some form of happyness because you cant have the other?

 

I was getting at the whole mountain and mole hill thing I wonder why that description didnt occur to me earlier it would have saved some explaining lol. I think prehaps sometimes we want to do well in life and maybe see somthing pointless and insignificant as a massive poblem because its somthing we have done for so long and become a larger part of our lives than we would have liked.

[Hermes]

Keep the fantasies in the mind, Ebr, where they belong. LOL. Or just in the eyes. L.

 

I might see a 3.000 pound Chanel suit I like, and I can fantasize about me in it, which is lovely. But not a chance I can buy it.

 

H

[Ebrithil]

So go for what you can get and be happy with it? Im one of them really unfortunate people who is always single lol so things like this I would never be quite sure what to think.

 

Thanks for your thoughts they have been helpfull

[Hermes]

LOL Ebr:

 

So you ARE talking about relationships, and not just about an abstract idea?

 

Nothing unfortunate about bein single. I bet you are very young. You'll eventually meet her!

 

H

[catfeeder]

It's reasonable to do reality-testing to determine whether your ambitions are feasible. If not, you can opt to modify them or hold them as goals for future situations.

 

For instance, a goal of a relationship with a specific person who isn't willing to go there can keep you miserable and close off receptivity with others, which is limiting without being necessary. With millions of people in the world, odds are in favor of trying to assign our ideals to some wrong people before finding the right one. Chalk such errors up to just that--we all do it.

 

Regarding work, I reality-test all the time given more experience and information. I tend to view any job as temporary rather than plotting a lifetime career there, and this frees me to flexibly assess what's in front of me at any given time. I opt to make the most out what I've got--if it's horrible, I decide on a mind set that makes it less horrible. I invent private goals that keep me content as I learn tasks, patience and skills that I can market to the next job.

 

I don't waste energy on trying to control people or outcomes at work. When I must stay in a job during a bad economy, I use every task to my advantage as a learning device, and I play the 'happy-camper' no matter what. I assume that any negative comment I put out there will come back around to bite me, and I'll give nobody a speck of ammunition.

 

Nothing is ever permanent. This is psychologically empowering to remember. Investing a history somewhere doesn't prevent environmental changes, so operating under a sense of entitlement can only serve to make me a target of competition. I'm flexible until a job doesn't serve me anymore, and then I can either opt to move on or to find new ways that the job CAN serve to teach me things in the meantime. When that's not possible, I secretly devote myself to making the job easier on the people around me--whether I love them, or not. That in itself is a skill, as there will be plenty of other people you don't love in your career. Best to learn how to play well with all kinds and leave grudges to those who enjoy them.

 

If you're in school, consider removing your emotional investment in the place that may have served you well in the past but no longer provides satisfaction. This will allow you to outgrow it in the least painful way. Growth and investment in your future means doing the opposite of narrowing your focus. Look beyond anything that appears to be an obstacle now--it won't matter one wit by next year.

[Ebrithil]

Well the question was general because it can answer quite a lot of things in my life, like I have work problems I have social problems and there is a very lonley side to me at times as well. Im not really young Im 22 this year which may seem young to some but concidoring, my lack of experience in a relationship limmits me some, and what if you met that person but circumstance never put you both in the right place at the right time, that brings me to the idea of fate and that some people are just not ment for certain things.

Thanks Hermes youv given me things to think about, I think Im trying to organise my thoughts and life its just a difficult task.

 

You know I used to think about everything as a lesson to be learned that life wanted to teach you somthing and if you didnt learn the lesson the negative thing associated to that lesson would keep reocuring until you did, and I was an optmoist always looking for the brighter side trying to justify the negative things in my life through this logic. Iv not really changed my belife in this I just think that its making me work harder I see people who are ignorant of so much or people that cheat and lie and they have relationships and good jobs ect ect and I would want to be that kind of person I just wonder how I can try to be the best I can be and have nothing in return when these other people have so much, it might be built on lies and it might not last but at least they get to experience it.

[Anotherday]

It really depends on what the problem is. Now, if someone loses their job, certainly it's good to hear them out for a bit. Same with a relationship. Even more so with a death. If someone wants to complain because they didn't win the lottery, that's a different story. So it really just depends.

 

Also, can the problem be changed? Is there a solution? Can a friend help?

 

There was a time I felt a real need to rant and rave over US politics as I was eaten alive inside over US policies. Now with Obama at the helm, I have no more need to talk about things.

 

So it really depends on the situation. At any rate, you said you've been the giver for a long time. Perhaps it's time you receive.

[Ebrithil]

Well thats one of the things isnt it sometimes you give so much and the only thing you get back is the good feeling of seeing somone else happy, also some people will see the giver as a strength in their life and no one likes to see their symbol of strength or power crumble.

 

As for the ranting and raving it would be over a situation that cuases a great ammount of stress but there is nothing you can do about it, its people with more authority than you so its not a simple word game, what would you do moan to your friends for the comfort and risk anoying them? or keep it inside and hope that if you ignore it it will go away?

I appreciate your inputs Hermes and catfeeder youv given me some good thoughts Im just intrested to see how diffrent people respond to a similar situation.