Attracted to an older guy, but I think it matters

[apg820]

Ok I never thought this would happen. I am 21 years old, just graduated from college. This past semester I had to do 45 volunteer hours for school, and the Humane Society was recommended for me, which is good because I love animals and wanted to get into this anyway. I met a guy there who works with the dogs, and I knew pretty early on that he was 46 years old. Since I was coming up there twice a week we would talk here and there. Though he seemed friendly, I am shy. Towards the end of the semester we began to talk more, and I realized it's actually pretty easy to keep a conversation going between us, so I relaxed and we got to know each other better. I was happy to make a new friend, the age didn't bother me at this point. Nothing wrong with having friends of all ages.

 

Since graduation I decided to still go and volunteer once a week. I grew attached to the place and wanted to see the animals I had come to know, and it was encouraging to have a friend there. Well now that I don't "have" to be there I have more down times to just talk when I'm done with the animals without it looking like I'm trying to get hours in by just hanging out. I am usually with the animals for about 2-3 hours and we talk about things here and there when we get the chance. But now that I don't "have" to be there he talks to me when I'm done, and I end up staying an extra 45-60 minutes until it's closing time. I was surprised how much we have to talk about. I keep learning we share so many of the same beliefs and interests even though he is older. He's not what I expected at all.

 

So after talking to him more I am realizing that I am attracted to him. He just keeps surprising me. He has kind of a rugged appearance but he's so intelligent, reads the same books, and feels the same way about animals as I do. It doesn't help that he looks 30! And what made the attraction stronger is noticing that he seems to like me too. He just recently asked for my number even though he doesn't own a phone at the moment. He just said he would find one. lol And he mentioned what my dad would think if he came around my house. I think if he wanted to hang out as friends only he wouldn't be thinking about meeting my dad right now.

 

Trouble is I think we should stay friends. I want a serious relationship leading to marriage and kids, and I don't see a relationship working out with someone about the same age as my father. Actually he reminds me of my father in a lot of ways. And this guy may just be looking to fool around, who knows. He's unmarried, no kids, seems to just want to have fun and do his own thing. How do you tone down the attraction when you're not even wanting anything to actually develop from it? I really want to be friends with this guy, would hate to miss out on a good friendship just because of a little crush that doesn't mean anything..

[Thx]

Hi apg and welcome to ENA!

 

I guess I am a little predgudiced or tainted here because I am 50.

 

I want to say it doesn't matter, and for a lot of couples I'm sure it doesn't.

 

But, you are talking about having kids and yes when they are 20 he will be 65.

 

The older you both get, the more the gap will close and age difference won't seem that important.

 

Have you considered the possibility of adopting an child of say 10 years old?

 

This is really a shame, because it sounds like you guys really hit it off.

 

(Personally, my best friends have always been about 10 years older than myself, and guys your age might be pretty immature.)

 

I think I would talk to him about the prospect of kids, I know it might end up being a deal-breaker, but you really want to talk this over with him.

 

Myself, I don't think it would be a big problem having such a gap between him and a child, lots of 45 year olds have kids, how do they deal with it?

 

If I wanted 'em, I sure wouldn't let that deter me, but that's just me.

 

I wish I had something better to offer you, but I think you need to talk about it with him and give communication a chance.

 

It really sounds like you have made up your mind already, if you want to tone-down the relationship I bet he will understand your age-gap concerns.

 

Good luck.

 

Thx

[Sparkly Eyes]

 

 

So after talking to him more I am realizing that I am attracted to him. He just keeps surprising me. He has kind of a rugged appearance but he's so intelligent, reads the same books, and feels the same way about animals as I do. It doesn't help that he looks 30! And what made the attraction stronger is noticing that he seems to like me too. He just recently asked for my number even though he doesn't own a phone at the moment. He just said he would find one. lol And he mentioned what my dad would think if he came around my house. I think if he wanted to hang out as friends only he wouldn't be thinking about meeting my dad right now.

 

 

No, that doesn't mean anything. It only means that he feels weird for being with someone much younger and wondering about what parents would think about something like this.

 

I wouldn't do it. But then again, I really don't have much in common with older people and I prefer guys who are in the same life stage as me. My guess is that many girls would come here and tell you to pursue or not to pursue the relationship. But I think it would be wiser to hear advice from women who have been in such relationships for a long time, actually have been through all of the goods and bads.

 

Also, don't worry about it so much now. You don't even know what his intentions are yet.

[Fudgie]

I am in an age gap relationship myself (about 38 years apart). I can't tell you what to do or not, but I will say, please think about the pros and cons.

 

Many age gap relationships can be healthy and successful for many couples, as long as they share common goals and views. I am VERY happy with mine. Kids are a HUGE issue for others though (not me - I'm infertile)...and I can totally understand why you are hesitant. Realistically, he's 46 and may not be wanting to have children, especially if he hasn't had any up to this point.

 

Listen to your gut. If you feel it won't work for you, then it probably won't. You just need to do what feels right here.

 

Good luck.

[Car Chick]

If you are in love, there is no way to tone down the attraction. Trust me, I tried it with my father-aged boyfriend, but we're in love. No way around it. After 2 years of fighting it, even dating other people, we couldn't help but get together and I am soooo glad we did. We have pretty much the perfect relationship.

 

Don't fight this. It won't work. Just go for it.

 

(By the way, how old are you?)

[apg820]

Thanks for the advice on age gap relationships. I'm usually attracted to guys around 30 and saw older than that as off limits, but that is an interesting perspective. But I guess since he is someone that I've just began talking to as a friend vs. someone I love it's easier to see this relationship won't work out long term.

 

I found out a lot more about his intentions today...seems I was right about that vibe I was picking up. I was trying to walk some dogs, and he kept turning up everywhere to talk to me. We talked for an hour and a half until it was time for me to go. I only walked one dog! He asked me out for the middle of next week, said he would pay for everything. Also in the course of the conversation he mentioned how he never intends to have kids or get married. From how he acts even at work I get the impression he's just looking for a bit of fun and good conversation. Most of my friends are guys, and I like to meet up with them just to talk, so I hope that is where it stays. Even though I am attracted to him I am not looking to hook up - which is a slight signal I'm getting. I think that's been a factor more than the age. So it's not good I've been thinking about him so much. When I indulge in these long conversations with him my intuition tells me he is wrong for me, but I really enjoy it. I will just see what happens when we see each other outside of his work.

[Hermes]

Also in the course of the conversation he mentioned how he never intends to have kids or get married.

 

Well, OP, that pretty much clinches it, as I suppose you would one day wish to marry and have children.

 

H

[Fudgie]

I do agree with Hermes...age isn't so much the issue here but the fact that he doesn't want kids is going to be a deal-breaker for you since you want them, right?

 

I'm not saying you'll do this, but some women go into relationships wanting kids and thinking they can "change the mind" of the man so he'll want them too. This almost never works. If he doesn't want them and you do, it will always be a deal-breaker.

[apg820]

The kids issue isn't that serious. I really only want one if I'm honest, and I can understand people who don't want to have kids. I suppose it's possible it could turn into a dealbreaker in some ways but only in a serious relationship. I do think marriage is a must for me though (in a serious long term relationship).

 

However, I just met the guy. And I am 21 and not yet at a point in my life where I meet a guy and think about what kind of husband and father he would eventually make, so it feels weird to talk about that right now and at this stage. I can see that I'm not interested in a long term relationship with this guy though just because I always thought it was pointless to be with someone for a long time knowing the relationship will not make it. I do want to figure out how to be friends with this guy though, and maybe some casual dating. I'm not sure if I'm going down a bad road here. There's the age and the fact that I've never liked somebody this much without wishing to be exclusive.

[Fudgie]

You just need to trust your gut. It's fine to get close with someone who isn't for the long-term and do some casual dating as long as you're being honest with yourself that it's just casual and won't last.

 

I can see why the age thing is a bit of an issue, especially if you haven't dated someone outside your generation before. I think if you really enjoy being with the person and keep an open mind, then the age thing can be overcome.

[teabee]

Hi apg,

 

I don't think casual dating would be going down a bad road. I'd say this is a really neat opportunity if you let yourself be open to it. Set the parameters with him so you're both clear it's casual/short-term, and take the risk. As long as it's done the right way, it could be one of those experiences that's fondly stored in your memory banks for ever.

[teabee]

You just need to trust your gut. It's fine to get close with someone who isn't for the long-term and do some casual dating as long as you're being honest with yourself that it's just casual and won't last.

 

I can see why the age thing is a bit of an issue, especially if you haven't dated someone outside your generation before. I think if you really enjoy being with the person and keep an open mind, then the age thing can be overcome.

 

Yes to this!