jinxremoving Posted May 12, 2010 Share Posted May 12, 2010 Ok, well me and my ex-girlfriend have been split up since the end of january (details of the break-up should be in my post history if you want the nitty gritty). Things basically ended with her wanting to remain best friends but with her "loving me but not being in love with me" ( any more. I basically ended up rejecting the idea of being friends for a while, after a brief period "in limbo". Anyway I'm now at the stage where I'm doing fine without her and happy with my life but would still be interested in reconciling. I thought it would be wise to give it a significant period of time without her in my life to 1) fully heal from the break-up and 2) see if I wanted her in my life. I've been in no contact/limited contact where possible with her - doing my best considering she only lives 2 doors away from me and the fact we share a number of close mutual friends! I've seen her out a few times - once about a month ago when we went out as a group and she singled me out and talked to me for most of the night. As it'd been a while since we'd split up nothing was especially awkward and we had a laugh. Ended up walking back to home together and she invited me in for a cup of tea (which I would have declined if I hadn't had one too many beers!). Anyway, I guess in my drunken state I kinda hoped something would happen but didn't make any moves, say anything that stupid, said my goodbyes after a bit and went home. She text me after I got home saying it was really nice to catch up blah blah etc. - I text back politely and went to bed and thought nothing more of it. Anyway, last week I went round to hang out with one of my mates who lives with her (whilst she was, by pure coincidence, out with a couple of my housemates). Sod's law, as I was leaving the house, we bumped into each other, exchanged friendly small talk and went home and thought nothing more about. Anyway, half an hour later she text me asking if I fancied catching up sometime. I said something like "yeah, we should definitely all get together (us and our friends) once exams and everything are done with!" She replied "that's not what I meant but if you change your mind, it would be nice to get coffee together". Basically, it seems she wants us to hang out, preferably. She even complained to one of my friends (who is also best mates with her) that she didn't understand why I wasn't texting her or interested in meeting up but was perfectly happy to chat to her if we ended up out together in the same place/in a group. She popped round tonight to give my housemate some post that'd accidentally been posted through their letterbox and we chatted for a while, again in the presence of other people. We had a little catch up between ourselves - all light-hearted and fun, not an ounce of awkwardness. Basically, I'm wondering what the next step is as I'm still interested in reconciling, under the right circumstances. As far as it seems to me, she isn't interested in doing so or she would have said or I'd have heard through the grapevine. I'm not deluding myself with regards to reconciliation - it's not something I'm expecting. I know she's up for hanging out with me any time, it's just my lack of interest thus far that is stopping it from happening. I'm waiting until the end of finals before I change my approach as I'm in a good place at the moment, don't have the time and don't want to jeopardise my results by hanging out with her. I'm just wanting an outsiders' perspective. Any general advice on how to proceed? (I don't want to get "friendzoned" but equally, I'm not naive enough to expect she'll just ring up begging for me back.) PS. Thanks for any replies, didn't really realise how long this had got! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 I wouldn't pursue anything with her, but if she contacts you again to catch up, I'd just use that opportunity to say that you don't want to be enemies, but you're only interested in seeing her socially if she wants to consider reconciling. Can't get any clearer than that, and it takes all burden of 'figuring things out' off your shoulders. Glad to hear you've been feeling better. There's more of that to come if you keep your focus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangz Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 Sounds like your playing it great mate. My advice do EXACTLY what you are doing now but be paitent. Your obviously too busy for her, aren't trying to hard with her, or trying to get her alone OR being clingy etc... Keep what your doing up (i.e dont start "trying" more) but I would take her up on her offer to meet up just the two of you. See how that goes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jinxremoving Posted May 13, 2010 Author Share Posted May 13, 2010 Thanks for the feedback guys. I'm not worrying myself too much if I set back my healing process slightly (which I don't think I will but who knows) by seeing more of her once exams are over. It's going to happen whether I wanted it to or not as we have the same friends and everyone is graduating this year so it'll be our last month together as a group. I've already set myself a cut off point for the end of uni - if nothing develops between us by then I will wish her well and walk away. catfeeder - I appreciate your advice and I will consider it. However, I don't believe there is any point in telling her that as it would just lead her to think I'm not over her, which is just going to weaken my position if she is having second thoughts. Also, I can't see myself falling into emotional turmoil over figuring things out as it's only going to be a month of uncertainty before we go our separate ways. What do you think? tangz - thanks. I've been following your story. Wishing you all the best! Any other advice from anybody? I'd love to hear your views. In the meantime I'm off back to the revision! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJerseyKid Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 Sounds like your playing it great mate. My advice do EXACTLY what you are doing now but be paitent. Your obviously too busy for her, aren't trying to hard with her, or trying to get her alone OR being clingy etc... Keep what your doing up (i.e dont start "trying" more) but I would take her up on her offer to meet up just the two of you. See how that goes? This. And what you've done is something that has been stressed many times on this board, and you are doing it naturally and it's paying off it seems. Indifference. She expects after bumping into you or seeing you that your brain is going to be loaded with all these thoughts again and you should be calling/texting or otherwise pining after her... and you're not. I say keep it up, and if she even wants to think about getting serious, she'll try a little bit harder to get you alone. Then if you are interested in reconciling which it seems you are, you need to work on slowly letting her back in. Giving her enough to feel like she/you are moving forward, but not enough so that you become clingy and predictable like before. Enjoy the hunt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adge Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 Nice work jinx. Playing it very cool, I like your style. I am doing a similar thing with my ex at the moment. Although I'm not entirely sure whether I want her back I would like to reconcile at the moment, and that's why I am able to be pretty level-headed about stuff. If you're an emotional wreck it's doubful you'll get a cat's chance in hell (I wonder what a cat's chance in hell would be!? lol), so nice one! Anyway...keep us posted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangz Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 Any progress mate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jinxremoving Posted May 16, 2010 Author Share Posted May 16, 2010 No, not heard a peep from her. Wasn't expecting to either really anyway, as she told me to get in touch if I wanted to go for a coffee. We're both busy with revising for exams so I doubt we'd have the time even if I wanted to. The more I'm thinking about things, the more unsure I am that I even want her back. I mean, I'd like the opportunity and don't know whether I'd be able to stop myself but I don't know if I'd be able to trust her not to walk away again in the future. I don't think I'll be able to view her in the same way again (which might not necessarily be a bad thing but still). At least I've got to the stage where I'm not expecting her to come back and will be fine with it. It's taken a while but it's nice to feel totally back in control of my emotions and the situations. Hope everyone else is getting along fine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jinxremoving Posted May 25, 2010 Author Share Posted May 25, 2010 I think I made it guys. I dunno, apart one particular day of doubting myself when I was really tired and stressed with revision, I don't think I want her back anymore. I don't think it was even a case over the last few weeks of not being over it - just I didn't want to feel over it (how sado-masochistic is that?!), like it somehow devalued what we shared together. A slight epiphany on my part you might say. Just thinking about how awesome my friends are and thinking about all the awesome people out there I'm yet to meet in my life made me realise that I really shouldn't waste my time on somebody whom I would have done anything for that tossed 2 years away down the drain. I know I deserve better. I think I've finally reached the point of truly letting go and it feels just great. I don't feel the need to contact her and find out how she's doing or anything - a point I feel like I'd never reach. Even the thought of her being with somebody else (which I kinda see as the acid test) doesn't really stir any particular emotion in me. Guess we can put that theory of them coming back once you've fully let go to the test now! Unless something truly spectacular happens, I think that's it - I'm done. Just one more exam the finish and then I can start planning my solo travelling post-uni. Can't wait! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jinxremoving Posted June 4, 2010 Author Share Posted June 4, 2010 Just a little update - not sure if I'm perhaps having a relapse or a rethink. Saw my ex for the first time in a while last night. Our group of friends all went out to see a band play and went clubbing afterwards. Had a complete blast with her and everyone else. She sort of latched onto me again and even directly asked me "is it ok if I come with you guys to X? I'll only hang out with you guys if you're cool with it etc. etc." I was just like "why wouldn't I be ok with it? if you wanna tag along with us then that's fine". Anyway, so we ended chatting again for most of the night (so predictable..), had a little dance (which was just a little bit too much like old times) and walked home together alone. She brought up the subject of us and said "I really miss you - even though we haven't really seen each other for the past however many months, I still feel like you're my best friend", "every time anything happens I just want to talk to you about it even though I know I can't", "we have such a good time together when we see each other - even now, I just want to spend all my time with you when we're out together etc. etc." I was pretty surprised she even offered up something like this completely unprompted. Eurgh. The way she talks, it's as though I'm the most perfect person in the world, her soulmate. Anyway, I reiterated my stance that it wouldn't work as friends - that it'd devalue our relationship and perhaps said something that I shouldn't have in the heat of the moment - "I'd still maybe be interested in working things out between us". Her response "so would I, but probably not in same way as you". I'm annoyed with myself for putting myself in such a position. General thoughts or comments anyone? I don't understand how she can feel as strongly as she claims (which I honestly believe) yet not want to give things another go and be prepared to let me walk out of her life for good in a few weeks time (which I'm not entirely sure she thinks I will do). I guess I should just continue as normal... the problem being we're now going to be seeing each other with increasing regularity before the end of uni. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jinxremoving Posted June 6, 2010 Author Share Posted June 6, 2010 Further update: Well, we almost slept together last night when totally wasted. So glad we didn't. Rather than confuse things though, it's just made me all the more certain about everything so I'm pretty glad it happened. We ended up talking for ages. She got ridiculously emotional about things, said that life has been s*** without me and isn't taking it well that she knows in a few weeks I'll be gone from her life forever. The general vibe seemed to be that she can't stand losing me from her life but she doesn't feel that way about me and doesn't really know why. I told her that wasn't enough for me with her crying uncontrollably. Basically, conversation ended up going in circles so I just called it a night and left after a while. Think that's finally drawn a line under it. Anybody got any thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stillhopeful1 Posted June 6, 2010 Share Posted June 6, 2010 I don't know man, I feel for ya! I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are. As you have, I have poured out my heart to the girl, told her what I wanted to only be shot down and rejected. I also heard the, we are best friends and I can't stand losing you from my life. But, in the end I told her it's all or nothing. As you are probably experiencing, it was simply too hard for me to function in her life as just a friend. I don't know how strong you are but, I know I didn't want to do that and be there for the inevitable time when someone else came into her life. So, I guess what I am suggesting is walk away! You have told her how you feel, now it is up to her to seek you out if she changes her mind. At least that's how I see it and how i'm handling my own situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jinxremoving Posted June 6, 2010 Author Share Posted June 6, 2010 Thanks, the thing is I'm not sure I even want her back. Part of me always will, but part of me would always think she'd just walk away again. I'm doing pretty much what you're doing. I think it's the only way. There's less than 3 weeks left before I go home for summer and I'll be away travelling for a few months - plenty to look forward to! Life goes on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulod Posted June 6, 2010 Share Posted June 6, 2010 Hey Jinx, read your story, sounds like you're doing fantastic mate!! life indeed goes on and there is so much to look forward to! sounds like there are a few of us now in the same position! which is great!! My ex overheard me talking to a friend at work about me going out to a party and some girl was all over me (I wasn't interested but hey ..good for the ego) jes...did I get a look of death when she deliberately walked past me ... best off just doing what you're doing, walk away, do your own thing and see what happens.. good luck to ya!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jinxremoving Posted June 13, 2010 Author Share Posted June 13, 2010 Well... had my university ball the other night and, as circumstances made it that way, we had drinks together with our group of friends beforehand and walked to the ball together. She again latched onto me for most of the night until I peeled away to socialise with other people. On the way there, she asked me "do you wanna hang out over the next few days? you can say no". I just replied with a "No, I don't think it's a good idea". After that she started crying slowly (on the way to the ball, in front of everyone!) but masked it pretty well so that only I saw. She's had a habit of pretending to come round to see my housemates (who she is good friends with) just so she can see me. And she tried to re-add me on facebook yesterday. I don't understand why she can't get the message - I've told her I don't want to be friends and that I'm walking away from this situation at the end of uni! It feels like I'm the dumper rather than dumpee now! What is she playing at? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jinxremoving Posted June 15, 2010 Author Share Posted June 15, 2010 Well there's no letting up. She went out for coffee yesterday with one of my housemates and told them that she just wants to see me "all the time" and realises she's being "desperate" and "pathetic" about it as I've repeatedly told her I'm not interested in being friends with her. I can't wait until uni is over and I can actually get on with my life! Why is this girl so desperate to be around me yet seemingly not interested in giving things another go? Surely it's not normal to want such a close relationship with an ex you split up with 6 months ago, when I've barely been in her life for the past 4 months. Anybody got any words of wisdom... everyone I've spoken to in real life about the situation just seems as confused as I am! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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