My ex was a horrible person.

[waveseer]

I am not going to discuss the details of why this is true. I want to share what it means to me to accept this and ask if others have gone through this process.

 

When I really care for a man I tend to give him every benefit of the doubt, think positively regarding his motives, excuse his poor behavior, and patiently wait for him to slay his inner demons and live a loving life instead of a fearful life.

 

The problem I had was letting go. I now believe it was so difficult to take care of myself properly because I lived in denial and refused to see how things really were between us.

 

It's been a while now and I am finally waking up to the fact that my ex is a horrible person. I can finally put any residual fond feelings to rest and leave in their place pity for someone so broken that they have to be such an ass to others.

 

This is not about who is right and who is wrong. We were both wrong. He was wrong to use me and I was wrong to let him.

 

I'm not in love any more. I feel relieved and soon I'd like to feel hopeful about my future relationship potential.

 

Has anyone been through this or is going through it now? I'd appreciate your insights.

[Celestialagape54]

I know exactly what you mean and what you are going through. I did the same thing with my ex-husband. As you said I would give him the benefit if the doubt and I made him look like the perfect person in the eyes of most of our acquaintances. On the outside it looked like he was the perfect person.I guess I loved him so much that I desperately wanted to believe that he was different than he was.

 

Only the people who really knew me well knew that something was not right.

 

Even after we split up do to his multiple cheating, I kept telling myself that perhaps I had done something wrong and that is why he had resorted to cheating.

 

After going through everything I went through I came to the same realization as you that we were both wrong, him for treating me the way he did and me for blaming myself even though I feel I did not do anything wrong in our marriage. A year and a half later he let me know that I did not do anything wrong in our marriage, that it was all him because he is not meant to be in a committed relationship, he can't handle the commitment.

[RockyRaccoon]

Yep. Went through this a few weeks ago. By the sounds of things, you're almost there. Now that you see that they weren't the perfect person that you thought they were, you can get to the point of having no desire to have them in your life. With that, almost all of the pain goes away and you can focus on other things, such as your future relationship potential. If your path is anything like mine, in the coming weeks you're going to start feeling better by the day.

[waveseer]

lunar, do you think at least part of our denial was fueled by the misguided hope that someday some way we would reap the benefits of making an investment in our relationships?

[Celestialagape54]

lunar, do you think at least part of our denial was fueled by the misguided hope that someday some way we would reap the benefits of making an investment in our relationships?

 

I can say that for me yes. I thought that if I invested in our relationship as you said that he would come to realize how much I loved him and I guess that when he saw that he would change, fueled but the love I had for him.

 

Of course, I have to come to realize that when people are like that there is nothing that will make them change.....

[waveseer]

rocky, yes you are right on. The desire to have him in my life has evaporated into thin air. I was so blind, but now I see. My only residual pain is for the woman I was who would allow herself to be treated so poorly. She never deserved that. Fortunately, she (I) is free from repeating the pattern.

[waveseer]

I can say that for me yes. I thought that if I invested in our relationship as you said that he would come to realize how much I loved him and I guess that when he saw that he would change, fueled but the love I had for him.

 

Of course, I have to come to realize that when people are like that there is nothing that will make them change.....

 

I would tend to agree with you there. People can change but the notion that others exist for his benefit with little regard for how he treats them reflects a deep rooted insecurity which makes it extremely unlikely to overcome.

[Celestialagape54]

I would tend to agree with you there. People can change but the notion that others exist for his benefit with little regard for how he treats them reflects a deep rooted insecurity which makes it extremely unlikely to overcome.

 

I do feel that people can change but ONLY when they want to. Other than that no matter what a person does it will not change their behavior....

[waveseer]

I do feel that people can change but ONLY when they want to. Other than that no matter what a person does it will not change their behavior....

 

I agree, thanks.

[coolchick64]

lunar, do you think at least part of our denial was fueled by the misguided hope that someday some way we would reap the benefits of making an investment in our relationships?

 

OMG, yes. Waveseer, I'm going through this right now. I'm trying to see things clearly and just let go of him and the whole situation. One of the things I struggle with the most is the huge investment I made in him. Two years of my life, getting to know him, letting him know me, blending our families. So many intricacies to work out with all the interested parties and it was going so well. I can't believe he doesn't value what we've made!

 

But yeah, this thread totally struck a nerve for me. I've made so many excuses for him; tried so hard to see things from his POV . . . I haven't taken care of myself at all. I haven't considered whether he was meeting my needs or even healthy for me. Shame on me!

 

And yes, my ex is also a struggling, unstable, broken mess. So many wonderful traits, too, of course. I mean, I wasn't insane to be with him . . . he's amazing and made me very happy. At times. But he also stressed me out, hurt me like no one else, lied to me, and flaked out so many times in so many ways . . . he's just not capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone right now. I have to get that through my thick skull. It's not there. It just isn't. AGHHH!

[SadAndy]

Wavseer (OP), i too, deep down (or not very deep down due to her behaviour) know that my ex is a horrible person.

After 13 weeks of splitting up I have recently found myself torn between two emotions.

Firstly, when I accept that she behaved awfully (2 long term affairs only ending when she found the guy she left me for) I accept that she is evil to be able to deceive our daughter, our families and me. But then I suddenly feel guilty for thinking bad of her and find myself thinking of her good points. If i'm honest, all she has/had going for her was her ability to mother/cook etc and sex. As far as a personality, she didn't really have one. She was disinterested in everything except her double life!

 

So I find myself missing her good points (the alternative to living with her and her lies is what i've got now, nothing! Which is worse).

Added to this, she now claims to have seen how nasty she was and 'loves the new guy so much that she would never hurt him' and i'm left hurt once again that she has just walked away from a 'car crash' into a perfect little life where she can start again as a nice person giving all of the effort etc that she never gave when she was with me.

 

Also, we are in NIC (due to having to deal with our daughter) and it hurts me again that she is on my mind every waking moment and yet she has forgotten me after 14yrs, 'just like that'! She doesn't feel a thing for me, except pity, and yet i'm the innocent party!

 

She claims that the new guy has 'shown her what was wrong with our relationship'. This is an odd statement as the only thing that was wrong was her behaviour and nobody else could 'show' her it.

So she is now, convincing herself that it was my fault!

 

So, to end, you can hopefully see that she is a nasty person but it is feeling like she was only nasty with me and has now changed and 'seen the light' but the new guy will get the benefits.

So why do I still miss her like crazy? ARGH!

[OccultFigurine]

 

And yes, my ex is also a struggling, unstable, broken mess. So many wonderful traits, too, of course. I mean, I wasn't insane to be with him . . . he's amazing and made me very happy. At times. But he also stressed me out, hurt me like no one else, lied to me, and flaked out so many times in so many ways . . . he's just not capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone right now. I have to get that through my thick skull. It's not there. It just isn't. AGHHH!

 

 

Yup my ex was the same.

 

I think the mistake I made was seeing the good in him and ignoring all the really bad stuff that was basically staring me in the face. I still think it's good to be able to see the good in people, and I will try and hold onto that. I'll just be careful in future to save it for people who deserve it.

[Mustachio]

I think a lot of this is about seeing what we want to see vs seeing the big picture and what is actually there.

 

I would say in almost all cases we were all with our exes for a reason, there had to have been some good there for us to be there. The problem is when we let that good influence our decisions without taking a look at the bad too. And in some cases (such as mine) the bad far outweighs the good.

 

I am very clearly able to see that my ex is extremely messed up, selfish, and put her well being over mine repeatedly.... which caused me great pain. I have moved past the immediate desire to want her in my life, but I would be lying if I said that there wasnt still some desire, some element of fantasy that holds on to that sliver of good that I saw in her and that I still occasionally pine for.

[OccultFigurine]

I think sometimes in relationships the good stuff (whether its real, or like you say, what we want to see) becomes the most important thing. That one little part that makes you feel so good has kind of become a fixation, an addiction almost, so that we can block out the other stuff. I for one, now that I'm single want to take some time to work out why that part took on so much importance for me that I was willing to give up my basic needs and even some of my values.

 

A friend of mine has suggested that maybe I was lonely....but that seems too simplistic for me, as if it were simple loneliness, I could have gone out with anyone,instead of wanting my ex to be that one.

[SadAndy]

And in some cases (such as mine) the bad far outweighs the good.

 

I am very clearly able to see that my ex is extremely messed up, selfish, and put her well being over mine repeatedly.... which caused me great pain.

 

Blimey! It is possible that we were both seeing the same person, dead ringer for my ex!

 

The interesting thing for me is that whilst I can see my ex for what she is (my heart cant!) I'm not too worried about losing her, its the thought that someone else has got her and she is behaving perfectly for him.

 

For me its mostly the feeling that she has changed and he's got the good girl that I had many years ago whilst I got the dud!

[blossom88]

I have realized that my ex was not very nice too. however, my greatest concern is what prompted me to be with him in the first place? the signs of his bad behavior were there even though i can pretend to myself that i never saw them.

 

i have also felt bad for my behavior as well. I behaved from the point of self righteousness thinking "i love you so much therefore you must be who i want you to be". not a pretty thought. I kind of feel bad for doing that you know.

[waveseer]

I have realized that my ex was not very nice too. however, my greatest concern is what prompted me to be with him in the first place? the signs of his bad behavior were there even though i can pretend to myself that i never saw them.

 

i have also felt bad for my behavior as well. I behaved from the point of self righteousness thinking "i love you so much therefore you must be who i want you to be". not a pretty thought. I kind of feel bad for doing that you know.

 

I posted this because way down the line it came to me. The idea that I had is post self-analysis, post apology, post intentions for my next relationship, post everything.

 

If what you said that I bolded above includes me expecting decent treatment during and after the relationship then I've done the same thing you have. If, on the other hand, you mean expectations beyond reasonable humane treatment then I haven't done that at all. I made all of my expectations clear. The horribleness is a conclusion I finally reached by realizing that my ex had no intention of meeting my expectations and deliberately chose not to communicate that, in fact the opposite. My part? I bought the bull.

[jenna-is-here]

Wow. Lunar, Coolchick, waveseer - I read all your stories and I feel like I am reading my own.

 

I thought the more I loved, sacrificied and tried, the investment would eventually come though. And the harder I tried, he had no problem taking, taking, taking & taking.

 

I *know* I will get to a point where I see his faults more clearly and will be able realize he was not going to be a good match. Right now, my head is not in sink w/ my heart....a place we are all too familiar with.

 

Not sure if anyone ever read about narcissistic qualities (my bf didnt have violence or rage) but he meets quite a few of these...

 

link removed

[OccultFigurine]

I've come to some conclusions when it's come to evaluating my ex's behaviour.

 

Last night I was studying for my psychology exam, and I read a list of symptoms for Borderline Personality Disorder. Every single one (and it listed about 20 symptoms) could be applied to him, and I was shocked. I wanted to phone my sister and tell her how I thought he actually had a disorder.

 

But then I realised, that it doesn't matter. I could sit and analyse his behaviour, and I could find all the answers I wanted-but what it comes down to is he treated me badly, and it doesn't really matter why-he did it and thats it.

[waveseer]

I'm thinking that for some of us this idea is part of the acceptance stage of grieving. By understanding the true nature of my ex I can completely let go of any lingering feelings. I am normally a very caring person, but if someone chose to treat me so horribly I can feel good about no longer caring about them, not even one iota.

 

So, for the purposes of being completely free of the ex I do believe it matters.

[OccultFigurine]

Oh yeah I totally agree, if thats whats needed, then anything that helps is good in my book! I think in my case, I had been there so many times before, splitting up, analysing his behaviour but ultimately getting back together, that trying to work out *why* he did things wasn't really helping me.

[AutumnBorn]

Last summer, when I wrote out the 152 reasons and incidents I should be happy he's gone, I started to clearly see just how horrible he is. I'm certain that the ugliness, contempt, and cruelty were and are for me alone. There would be no need to be that emotionally and mentally abusive or so ugly to anyone else. Nobody else would or could love him in spite of his behavior and character.

 

I loved him passionately, so I forgave his transgressions. I loved him, so I gave it everything I had. I loved him, so I tolerated the intolerable.

 

He didn't love me, so it made it easy for him to transgress. He didn't love me, so he didn't try. He didn't love me, so it made him become more and more intolerable, until I got weary and gave up. It was the only to be rid of me.

 

Love is an hallucinogenic.

[hater13]

My ex wasn't a horrible person. He just wasn't the right person for me

[ausser]

Last summer, when I wrote out the 152 reasons and incidents I should be happy he's gone, I started to clearly see just how horrible he is. I'm certain that the ugliness, contempt, and cruelty were and are for me alone. There would be no need to be that emotionally and mentally abusive or so ugly to anyone else. Nobody else would or could love him in spite of his behavior and character.

 

I loved him passionately, so I forgave his transgressions. I loved him, so I gave it everything I had. I loved him, so I tolerated the intolerable.

 

He didn't love me, so it made it easy for him to transgress. He didn't love me, so he didn't try. He didn't love me, so it made him become more and more intolerable, until I got weary and gave up. It was the only to be rid of me.

 

Love is an hallucinogenic.

 

I registered just to post, though it's been six years since this was posted.

 

This describes my marriage, exactly, for years. She didn't love me, and never did; she loved herself. I loved her—and knowing this, and the disparity involved, made it possible for her to treat me terribly. In fact, it was necessary for her to treat me terribly, because I became an irritant, a blot on her conscience that she didn't know how to be rid of. The only way to handle it? For her to make life more and more intolerable until I was the one to lose it—so that she could retain her sense of morality and her ego. Because it was, of course, always about her.

 

She pursued me because she thought I'd enhance her. She lost interest when that was no longer the case. But she shouldn't leave me without darkening her brand and self-image. So she had to work—work like the devil—to ensure that I couldn't possibly stay, survive, remain sane in the marriage. So that I'd eventually break down and go. And then she could feel, once again, as though I enhanced her—by providing her with additional victim status, shoring up her moral high ground.

 

Always face cold hard facts. Always ask: Does this person love me? Do they act like it? Because if someone is treating you terribly, the fact is—they don't. If you then love them, despite this, you are destroying yourself.

[Wiseman2]

The whole things sounds quite manipulative.

by providing her with additional victim status, shoring up her moral high ground.