Sobriety, Anxiety...and Whatever Else

[Celestialagape54]

You can handle this. I know your mind is strong. You have the will power to control your actions. Our bodies can be weak but never our minds.

[marshmlofluff]

Hugs to you InsaneHeart. You are an inspiration. Keep your chin up. Take care of yourself; eat, sleep, don't neglect your body. I am so sorry to hear about your uncle.

 

And when you have a little more energy, do your very best to get to AA, even if you are afraid. I don't know how you are, but I know that when I am anxious about something, I hesitate, and I tend to let other urgent things take priority. But the thing is, there is always something urgent pulling on us. Your sobriety and recovery is the most important thing in your life and your family's, and the very best thing you can do for yourself and your family. Try your best to make that a priority.

 

Hugs--you are an inspiration to us all.

 

Love,

Fluff

[LAYAAN]

Hello InsaneHeart,

Have you considered going to a clinical hypnotherapist? That helps, I've heard. Also something like "past life regression" may give you an insight into your current challenges as well.

I'm going to see a hypnotherapist soon.

 

Take care ,

Tinu

[Sanesoul]

Thank you all.

 

I went to see my uncle last night, and thankfully, when I was there he was sleeping peacefully. He had an "episode" right before I got there that ended in him being in restraints. They can't tell how far he is in the detox phase because they can't keep him awake...he's just too violent.

 

He is going through the worst hell of his life right now, but at least he is in the best possible place he can be right now. He is confused, and his body is screaming for the alcohol. Because his liver is not functioning, they are having to put the medicine in directly into his stomach for maximum absorbtion. The liver normally delivers the detox meds.

 

My poor aunt is a wreck, and terrified that she was too late in getting him to go to the hospital (she did what she could, he is stubborn). I was able to convince her to go home and try to sleep for awhile.

 

He's still far from out of the woods. If he survives the detox, it will be incredible. His vitals are good as of now.

 

I found out through all of this that he had been drinking whiskey all day long. Ultimately, his liver couldn't handle it.

 

This is the biggest wake-up call I can imagine. I am definitely going to go to AA very soon, and I will do some research on hypnotherapy.

 

I have to kick this. I'm doing well, but I don't want to fall off the wagon.

[metrogirl]

Sometimes it takes a tragedy like this to help us appreciate how precious life is.

 

I'm really proud of you Insane. Through trials and tribulations, you are keeping it all together. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[Celestialagape54]

Sometimes it takes a tragedy like this to help us appreciate how precious life is.

 

I'm really proud of you Insane. Through trials and tribulations, you are keeping it all together. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

 

I have to agree with Metro. Sometimes it takes painful things for us to realize just how precious life is, and most of us take that for granted.

[metrogirl]

How was your weekend Insane?

[Sanesoul]

Thanks for asking Metro.

 

Exhausting, I must say. My uncle is still in critical condition, but it's just a wait and see kind of thing. He's over the peak of the detox, and we'll find out more today or tomorrow. I have had a constant migraine since I first found out he was in the hospital, and I can't seem to sleep more than a couple hours at a stretch.

 

I was able to decompress with my daughter a bit yesterday. We had some fun mommy-daughter time. Painting our nails and watching girlie movies That seems to be very therapeutic for me, and helped me take my mind off things for a little while.

[metrogirl]

Thanks for asking Metro.

 

Exhausting, I must say. My uncle is still in critical condition, but it's just a wait and see kind of thing. He's over the peak of the detox, and we'll find out more today or tomorrow. I have had a constant migraine since I first found out he was in the hospital, and I can't seem to sleep more than a couple hours at a stretch.

 

I was able to decompress with my daughter a bit yesterday. We had some fun mommy-daughter time. Painting our nails and watching girlie movies That seems to be very therapeutic for me, and helped me take my mind off things for a little while.

 

Well I am glad you were able to spend some quality time with your daughter. Children have a way of really bringing out the best in us and helping us cope with whatever is weighing heavy on us.

 

Try to do something like that with her every weekend if you can, even if it is something really simple as going for an ice cream cone.

 

Keeping your uncle in my prayers.

[Sanesoul]

Thank you.

 

She is my light, my little angel. She does remind me that no matter what else is happening around me, she is a constant good in my life.

[metrogirl]

It's just me, checking on you today.

[Sanesoul]

It's just me, checking on you today.

 

Thanks

 

I actually have some good news about my uncle. He is through the detox, and there is still life in his liver. They are not sure how much at this point. He is undergoing tests to figure that out.

 

My aunt is laying down the law. She forced him to eat yesterday (he hasn't eaten much more than a mouse would for the past year).

 

This all doesn't mean that he is out of the woods, but I have more hope today than yesterday.

 

I feel better today, not so devestated. That's a relief.

[metrogirl]

Thanks

 

I actually have some good news about my uncle. He is through the detox, and there is still life in his liver. They are not sure how much at this point. He is undergoing tests to figure that out.

 

My aunt is laying down the law. She forced him to eat yesterday (he hasn't eaten much more than a mouse would for the past year).

 

This all doesn't mean that he is out of the woods, but I have more hope today than yesterday.

 

I feel better today, not so devestated. That's a relief.

 

That is a blessing.

 

Now he just has to take care of himself. Sounds like your aunt is on top of that. If there is still some liver function, he could very well survive this presuming of course that he takes care of himself. No more drinkin'!

 

Glad you are feeling better today.

[Sanesoul]

That is a blessing.

 

Now he just has to take care of himself. Sounds like your aunt is on top of that. If there is still some liver function, he could very well survive this presuming of course that he takes care of himself. No more drinkin'!

 

Glad you are feeling better today.

 

I think my aunt has had it with him. She loves him to pieces, and he really terrified her.

 

If he makes it through this, she's going to become an anti-alcohol nazi, I guarantee.

[Sanesoul]

My uncle's condition is not good. I keep getting conflicting reports, but the prognosis is worse than I thought. They think he might have brain damage now, and will most likely have to go to a nursing home to recover...for however long that might be.

 

I don't have any idea what the future holds for him, but I need to let it go. I have had a migraine for a week straight now, and can't sleep worth a damn. It's starting to affect every aspect of my life, and that sucks.

 

So for now, I will move forward with my life, still keeping him in my prayers, but I will not worry about him. It is what it is, and I can't do a damn thing about it.

 

My husband's father has just been diagnosed with chronic lung disease, and I feel so bad for him. This is another situation where the actions of the person are contributing to their demise. Hopefully, he will quit smoking before it's too late so my husband has him around for awhile. If he doesn't quit smoking, he will die very soon.

 

Life can be such a rollercoaster.

[metrogirl]

I'm very sorry to hear this Insane. You absolutely have to do what you can do for you, to stay positive and continue each day with clarity and peace of mind.

 

Death comes to all of us eventually and while I know you are worried and scared about the uncertainty of it all, please take care of yourself, your family needs you and you them.

[Sanesoul]

I'm very sorry to hear this Insane. You absolutely have to do what you can do for you, to stay positive and continue each day with clarity and peace of mind.

 

Death comes to all of us eventually and while I know you are worried and scared about the uncertainty of it all, please take care of yourself, your family needs you and you them.

 

Absolutely, thanks Metro.

[Sanesoul]

So this is the "whatever else" part of my journal.

 

I have been feeling lower than low lately. I have always been a very self-loathing person. Years of abuse and other trauma has a tendency to lead you to believe that you are worthless and undeserving of anything good.

 

I hate myself, I really do. I wrote a really long blog post about it, so I won't get too much into it here. I am hoping that I have a good weekend to lift my spirits.

 

Hubby's brother is coming over this evening to hang out and watch a movie. He hasn't done that for a really long time. I can't stand him most of the time, but I'm the queen of playing nice Hubby is facing losing his father, so I will be there for him. Him and his brother need each other now.

 

Come hell or high water, I will teach the child to ride a two-wheeler this weekend. She is terrified of falling down and getting hurt. I've been priming her for a couple weeks now, so she finally actually wants to learn.

 

Hubby is picking up extra hours at work which will help our precarious financial situation. I think that is what is making me the most crazy right now. It just seems like Murphy's Law is running my life at the moment.

 

It can only get better from here.

[Sanesoul]

He's gone. He passed away Monday evening.

 

Saturday evening I went and sat with him for a few hours, and told him how much I love him. My daughter (she is 8 ) got to see him and tell him she loved him as well. He was always like a grandpa to her.

 

I don't think the effects of this have quite hit me yet. I miss him already, but it's so surreal. I'm sure things will hit me at his funeral tomorrow.

 

The hardest part about this was my daughter's reaction when I told her the news last night. She instantly starting bawling, and I held her for a long time. This is the first time someone close to her has passed, so it was a hard life lesson. It was definitely one of my most heartbreaking moments as a mother. The innocence and hope that she had is inspiring. I truly think she "just knew" that he was going to get better.

[metrogirl]

I'm so sorry. Please accept my condolences.

 

I found this for you, I pray it brings a little comfort.

 

He is Gone

 

You can shed tears that he is gone,

Or you can smile because he lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

 

 

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

 

 

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,

You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your

back,

Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes,

love and go on.

[Sanesoul]

Thank you so much Metro. I love that poem. I may send it on to my cousin/his daughter because she is a mess right now.

[metrogirl]

Thank you so much Metro. I love that poem. I may send it on to my cousin/his daughter because she is a mess right now.

 

Yes, please send it to her. I hope she's doing okay.

 

I remember when my father passed away, it was the kind words of friends that kept me going.

 

Stay strong honey.

[Celestialagape54]

Insane,

 

I am so deeply sorry for your loss and my sincerest condolences to you and your family. I know your uncle is in a better place. I wish this had not happened....

 

Stay strong and we are here for you. I am sorry I have not posted in several days....

[marshmlofluff]

Insane,

 

I am on a little journal vacation, but still sending you love.

 

-Fluff

[Sanesoul]

Wow, just reading the last few posts of this journal. My uncle was the first of 4 family members that have passed in 3 years. My grandmother was next and then two of my aunts. It's been brutal because we were always such a close family unit. The silver lining is that my other aunts and uncles who are still alive are much more open with their emotions. There is much more love apparent now than ever before. I guess it takes that kind of loss, so close together, to make you realize what you have left and cherish it that much more.